coffeedrinker

I actually had a good day yesterday - I mean, still a cloud hanging over, but way better than what had become my new norm. It was like the second good day in the past week.

I am getting my house ready to sell. The home that xah and I made improvements to, (I made it MY house), and I raised four now-young women in. We bought this 4-bedroom 60's built, solid house when we took in my niece and our 860' 2-bedroom was no longer big enough. I have lived here for 20 years, and just typing that has caused me to dissolve into tears.

I am moving in with my mother. We were supposed to go house-shopping together but last year she started getting itchy, started looking, and called me one day to say "I love this place. With, or without you, I'm buying it". So after a decision that took me over a year to make, that's what I'm doing.

Today she called me to inquire about my garage sale this weekend. "THIS WEEKEND?! Mom, I'm not ready!" We squabbled a bit, then I started crying while she was saying she has offered to help me in any way she can, even to hire someone to clean the thing out, she will even do the sale by herself! She's trying not to overly pressure me, she said, but she knows I need prodding. And I said, "I don't think you realize how much I am dreading this move. I'm dreading it, Mom." Then she's crying too, telling me she'll back off, can we just be loving and forgive each other and move forward. "Of course" I say.

I hang up and fall apart.

I go to my car, light a cigarette, and make a call. I call xabf 3 times, then go into voicemail and leave a message. I say I never know if he's sleeping, showering, not answering to not talk to me or what, I say "I just always thought you'd be here." I'm crying...I catch my breath, don't wanna sound like a whiner, then say "I'm sorry; I'm trying not to call you; I usually don't. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm, I'm, I'm just in so much pain" and hang up.

He has fallen off the face of the world. I know without a doubt I won't get a response, and I knew it when I did it, dammit.

I feel like I'm losing my daughters (one stayed in her college town, 240 miles away, one is graduating h.school), losing the only home I've ever really had, and even though I walked away from xabf, today I feel like I'm losing him.

Why, oh why, do I call out for someone I pretty much know won't be there? I felt out of control, hand to the pill bottle, and someone switched the pills that were in it.

Please don't shame me. I'm so fragile right now. I know what I did was wrong, and counter-productive.

tchappy

Hey coffee...your post brought tears to my eyes. I know how you feel I was there in the same position a couple months ago. I would do the same thing, reach out to him knowing it would probably just cause me more pain. We just do that because we miss them and we miss what we had with them ( atleast what we had at one time).

All I can say is it does get easier. I promise. One day you will wake up and be over this hurdle. I never thought I would get over it NEVER, but just one day it happened and I was free and much happier.

Take care of you

outonalimb

Aaww Cofffeedrinker.

I'm sorry you had such a rough night. I think its okay to be angry with the addict when the consequences of their addiction are forced upon us (losing a home is a big one...I know...I lost our marital home and had to start over from scratch). I was so angry at my ex. Sometimes I just wanted him to know how hurt I was. Counterproductive? Yes. Normal human reaction? Absolutely.

so you had a weak moment and reached out to someone you used to love very much. That's perfectly normal. It only becomes harmful when we expect to receive some sort of validation or support from them. You didn't expect anything like that from him, did you? Doesn't sound like it. And that, my dear, is proof of your continued recovery.

You had a little slip. That's all. Now get back up, dust yourself off, and start fresh tomorrow. You're recovery is still firmly in tact.:ghug3

rayofsunshine

Hey Coffee... sometimes we have to reach out one more time to make sure WE are doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up... we love them and we are trying to do the right thing. Looking back, I can see I was addicted to my ex as much as he was addicted to the drugs. It takes time to heal.

You've got a lot of life stressors going on... divorce/breakup, empty nest, moving/selling home. Be gentle with yourself, take good care of you during this time. Accept your mothers help if needed with the move. You are going through a grieving process as well.... In time, your good days will start to gradually outnumber the bad... until you find all your days are good... days that will be filled with peace and serenity.

(((HUGS))) I know how hard it is!

tjp613

(((Hugs))) Coffee. We've all been there at one time or another. You will be better soon, I promise. One day at a time, eh? Take it easy.

Impurrfect

(((Coffee))) awww, sweetie..you've got a lot on your plate right now. You didn't do anything most of us haven't done before. Don't beat yourself up. You're dealing with grief in a FEW areas and it hurts like he!!. It will ease up, and you will get better, but it takes time. Please be gentle with yourself, allow that time, and know that we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

pm'd you.

Ceres

I read so many posts in here where you can feel the love coming right off the words. So loyal, caring, compassionate and full of selfless concern. I know these feelings can be our downfall. But because we are capable of this kind of selflessness, we will have wonderful relationships to come, after recovery. <sigh> The only reason I've had a relatively easy go of it is because - I do not love him. I worry I'm too "cold". Too heartless. Our nine year wedding Anniversary was on March 23rd. I didn't even think about that until two weeks ago. It just didn't cross my mind. <-- That is not good. Makes me wonder if I've just hidden them.

Your feelings are so important and and honest and true. No matter if they're right or not. You're a wonderful caring human being. I know this first hand about you. :-)

Chino

Change isn't always bad, good or easy. Sometimes it's damned hard.

Coffee, when we moved to our current home 11 years ago, it was change that affected us all differently. For my son it was perfect, just what he needed. For daughter, it was the beginning of chaos. For husband it was an oasis. For me, well... I'm still figuring it out. I roll with the punches and am just now starting to get comfortable.

When I walked out of our old home for the last time, I was alone, stood in the doorway and cried. I tried to remember every bit of our lives there, crammed into a few minutes. It took me a long time to realize we didn't leave our memories there, we carry them with us everywhere, every day.

teke

coffee, you and yours are in my prayers.

imo, there is no right or wrong. we do what we do, one little step at a time. sometimes we all more than likely take a step back but that don't mean we stop walking. you'll get there and you'll find that it gets a little easier with each step. one day at a time dear, one day at a time and if that gets too hard, try it minute by minute.

coffeedrinker

thanks guys for the words of support and encouragement - as you all know, it means SO much.

for the record, i have been divorced for 4 years from a non-abusive, but alcoholic, husband. this one that i can't seem to "kick" is the man i have loved, and been in different relationships with (co-worker, pal, lover) off and on for the past 16 or so.

his medical (social program) is ending and he texted me today to say that the new forms he has to fill out mistakenly came to my address. my reply was "nice response after my mayday call to you yesterday; thanks"
his reply was "sorry, phone was uncharged and i just plugged it in." i did not reply. (proud)
but this evening, driving by his street on the way to my Alateen meeting (I sponsor) i did swing by cuz those forms were in my car. i popped into the front room, left the envelope with someone, with his name on it. (proud again)

i don't wanna him to be in straits, w/out any coverage (m.illness) but don't wanna interact after that non-apology, non-owning of that b.s.

i know it wasn't perfect, but i feel good about it.

moving forward.

OceanSize

with my therapist, i am focusing on something recently that applies here.

I believe we reach out to those who we know are not there for a multitude of personal reasons, but ultimately because we do not know our true sources of comfort.

In therapy I've been exploring "sources of comfort"

once i really opened myself up for this exploration (just 2 weeks ago mind you) the universe did speak to me in many ways (kooky i know)

but it did

I interacted with my mother, spent time with my best friend's 4 yr old daughter, worked hard, had a ton of experiences that presented me with the ongoing question: what are my sources of comfort?

it is not him. he is incapable.

it is not my mom, she's crazy (tho i love her, of course) (but comforting she is not)

and in exploring where comfort is not actually found, i really discovered my true sources of comfort.
so far i know that my sources of comfort are art & music, friends, my niece, reading, certain aspects of my work, alanon etc etc

coffee, i am thinking of you. forgive thyself!

Ann

Change is hard emotionally. Each time I have moved I have felt a tinge of something sad, even though the move was positive and bringing me someplace good. It's the memories, leaving behind a place where the memories were formed and lived.

Maybe think of this as a new adventure in your life, a new beginning that will bring its own blessings and surprises and memories to be made.

You're doing fine, it's okay to have weepy moments and even to be scared of the change. Just don't hang out there too long.

Hugs

sofacat

Hi Coffee-

I don't have anything clever, witty or profound to say...but I do want to ket you know that I am thinking of you.

I read your post and it made me just want to reach through this computer and give you a big fat hug!!!

I hate change.....scares the CRAP out of me....but I try to look back at all the times I was afraid of the "unknown" and see that everything does always turn out okay...whether I want it to or not!

SO, think of all the new decorating possibilities in your future!! Time for a reinvention!

I can't wait to hear on the Detachers Thread what new paint colors you pick out!

Onward and upward woman!

Watch the movie "Under The Tuscan Sun"....it's a good one for this!

sunnygirl68

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, I really dont know what to say except I hope you feel better soon. It brought tears to my eyes because I understand that profound sense of pain you are feeling...You have been through so much and the your home is such a source of stability for you, that it is so hard moving forward. I wish you some peace and happiness soon.

tam

so sorry your going through this right now, please know we are all here for you. may you find strength in moving forward and may your new home bring you peace and a better new beginning. Im glad your mom is there for you

coffeedrinker

yes! i HAVE that movie, don't ya love the story about the train track through switzerland....the track was laid BEFORE there was even a train could make the trek.

i am laying track.
we all are laying track.

and you're so right about what is revealed after the change. it still hurts, but one foot in front of the other.

thanks, sofa. thanks so much

Angelic17

Coffee Drinker, I read your heartbreaking post, and totally and completely understand what you are going through. Every thing, and anything that is familiar and safe to you is slipping away. Please don't run to the pills. Because the bottom line is that you will still have all of the same problems, and an addiction problem on top of that. Never give up clean time for an emotional fix. It never works.

Now on the bright side. What I know for sure is that when one door closes, another one opens. Your girls are grown, and living their own lives. Your exab is drifting away and out of your life. And the house that you love, and have been in for 20 years is being sold. The good news is, that you should be happy and joyful about your girls going off to college, and achieving. Even though all moms suffer from the empty nest syndrome. It's really a blessing in disguise.

As far as your exab, well, it's never easy ending a relationship, and there is always some pain involved, however, someone really wonderful will be coming into your life. Something and someone so much better for you. And you will be available.
Oh, and the house. You will be living in a new and beautiful home. And with your mom no less. It will be a blessing, and keep you busy fixing up and decorating your way. You won't have time to feel sad. A whole new and beautiful beginning is waiting for you. Look at all of this as a blessing, and not a loss.

It's not what happens to us, it's how we deal with it. I sure hope you throw the pills in the garbage. That's definitely not the answer. Sending a prayer up for you Coffeedrinker. I hope you feel better, and try to see all of this change as positive change. Every cloud has a silver lining, and the best is yet to come. Your not alone, alot of people on this site are here for you. :ghug3

coffeedrinker

Angelic --

I'm SORRY you thought I was grabbing for PILLS that's SO not me!
for your loving reply

It was a metaphor:
I felt like I was feebly and shakily reaching out to that drug sitting on the table just out of reach -- I stretched my arm, leaned a little til, yes, I grabbed it. Swallowed the pill, but to my dismay, it wasn't the drug to bring me comfort and escape. What happened? I thought the pill of HIM would console me!

I know communicating this way can be confusing.
(((Love)))

Angelic17

Yes, now I completely understand the metaphor. Thank You so much for explaining that. I'm glad your not reaching for pills. I have 5 years free from pills on May 29 and it was a hard time freeing myself from that garbage. The good news is I did it alone. Without a program or meetings, and all that stuff. I toughed it out, and did it. I was hoping and praying you wouldn't wind up there. Thank God you don't have that problem.

I wish you all the best in your new adventures.
Think Positive and remember GOD is in charge so you can relax.