Setting Boundries when there is Children Involved
 

Exabf and I have been doing visitations supervised by me 3x a week for 4 hrs at a time. We usually meet at some public place. Recently I brought up some concerns about some medical issues concerning our daughter. She is scheduled to have general anesthesia for some extensive tooth decay. A few months ago she was hospitalized for reactive airways disease (possibly her 1st asthma attack,) so I am a bit nervous about her going under. I said I was considering postponing the date a bit. He didn't like what I had to say, and he immediately started verbally attacking me. A day or so later he called me and was threatening to report me to Child Protective Services for medical neglect.

Now, I don't have a problem with him disagreeing with that idea or saying so. I was only considering that option, and I was doing lots of research and carefully weighing all the pros and cons. And, I actually wanted to hear his thoughts on it, and I wanted to take them into consideration.

My issue is with him immediately resorting to putting me down and threatening me. He has an ongoing pattern of doing this to try and control me, and I am sick of it. I don't want him to think that this is acceptable.

Right now, I am so fed up and disgusted with his attacks, that I don't want to be around him. How do I find the balance between protecting my children, and allowing them to have visits with him, while keeping my own distance from him?

We were supposed to have a visit today, but I have been ignoring his calls. I don't know what to do or what the right balance is.

:a108:

Is there anyone else who can take your place that you trust? 3x a week for 4 hours @ a time is ALOT of time for YOU to be spending with someone who's an ex. It can't be easy for you.

Are the visits court mandated? If not, you may want to consider telling him that you and dear daughter will leave if he cannot keep a civil tongue in his head--then follow through as needed. You can reschedule a visit when he calms down. There is no need for you or your daughter to have to go through that.

Hugs and prayers, HG

No, we don't have a court ordered custody arrangement. I am going to suggest using a mediator or counselor, so that maybe we can learn to communicate better when it comes to the kids.

I tried to talk to him tonight, but he insists he doesn't threaten me, but only "warns me about what he will do" when I won't comply with his point of view. He believes threats are only threats when someone threatens physical violence.

It is sad, because I am willing to hear his point of view. I just don't want to be bullied into doing whatever he wants.

Agreed, 100%. As far as discussing any concerns in regards to your daughter with him, I think your expectations of him are entirely too high.

He's not going to be a concerned, rational, logical, loving parent.

I agree that it's time to bring in a 3rd party of some kind to mediate the situation. Your concerns for your daughter are legitimate! I'm sure any attempt by him to bully a 3rd party will not go over well for him and will only make him look bad...and you won't have to deal with his abuse any longer!

Update
 

So I went ahead with the procedure, and my daughter came through really well. Yay!

Yet, ever since he has been threatening to take me to court. That normally wouldn't bother me, because I believe he is going to surprised. I have always had de facto custody of my children; he has only ever had visitation, mostly supervised. The thing is I was set to move in 3 weeks. He already agreed to the move, and was planning on moving there too. I even already have a place set up for June/July Now, he is trying to say I can't move until after he takes me to court. I am struggling with what to do. Do I go ahead with the move? Or, do I stay here and stick it out with the court system? He may very well be bluffing, but it is hard to say.

Moving is the very best thing for the kids and me. We have a community of friends where I am moving (lots of other families and children.) I will be going to school; there are only a few schools in the country for what I want to do and there happens to be one right where I have a community of friends.

:react

I am feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed with everything. I have made great strides in my own recovery in the past few months, but I still have to deal with this crap, because we have kids together.

:c021:

You can do whatever you want until you are mandated by the court to adhere to specific rules. Does he have any kind of court document that says you can't move? No? Well, then you can move wherever you like! Of course you MUST check with your own lawyer to be certain, but it sounds like he's just bullying you every which way he can think of. Know your rights.

I am so happy the procedure went well for your daughter!!!!

I would say that you can move wherever you want to or need to unless your court documents say otherwise. I know ours is setup stipulating AH's visitation rights...I believe it's one way for less than 100 apart vs. over 100 miles apart...and there's a part that talks about notification to AH...so I have to give him a certain amount of notice when I do move...but he cannot prevent me from moving with the girls. I would get familiar with your custody decree and see what stipulations you have.

We have no custody agreement through the courts. My children have always lived with me; he has only ever had visitation.

How far are you moving? If its within the same state, definately do not give it another thought.
Move.
Has he filed anything yet, and a hearing set? He'd have to move quick to get a temporary order to keep you around before the hearing. And usually judges love mothers bettering them selves and returning to school.

If its a different state, or just to be sure, call a few attorneys see if you can get a free or low cost consultation as to your rights as the primary care giver. That way you know exactly what you can expect and his threats will be nothing more than words, because you'll know the real deal.

So the "visitation" is just something you decided out of the kindness of your heart? What is he taking you to court for anyway..

Move. Better yourself and those children.

Due to the abuse he likes to offer, it might be best if the courts DID oversee his supervised visitation, leaving you out of it.

Learn about your rights, you'll need this knowledge if he's going to play like this.

And I agree.. I have never heard of 3x a week for 4 hours!?! That is a lot of your time.

My boundary is:

If you are rude to me and try to manipulate me or treat me like crap, don't expect me to do you any favors. Don't expect me to spend any time around you. Don't expect me to voluntarily let my kids spend time around you either.

In most states the non-custodial parent has to file a court order to petition visitation or custody in the county the custodial parent and child resides in so if you move before a court order is filed and he wants to file he will have to file where you and your child reside. You can call your local courthouse and ask if that is the law in your state to be sure.

My mother has a friend that is a family lawyer, so I talked with her. Since it is so close to my move, and there is no court date or anything set, she said go ahead and go. The worst case scenario is that if he files here before I am in the other state 6 months I will have to come back for a court date. I have witnesses to attest to his ongoing drug problem, his prior agreement to the move, and that I have always gone out of my way to provide visitations.

I believe he is having a hard time because I recently, for my own sanity, set stricter boundaries. He used to come over to my house and spend nearly all day Sat. and Sun., but now we meet at a public space for much less time. He would not want to believe it, but the kids do much better with the shorter visits.