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Like I don't have enough going on, now my son.

Old 05-22-2010, 07:28 AM
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Like I don't have enough going on, now my son.

Last night my son must have had an accident with my car, but he is lying about it. He came in around 2 AM and told me that someone cracked the windsheild and scratched the top of the car when he was in his friends house.

My husband woke me up this morning to tell me to go out and look at the car. There is no way that a person did this. It looks like he drove through a fence. There are scratches that are evenly spaced that go from the front bumper, up the hood, up the windsheild and the top passenger side of the windsheild is crushed in, then the scratches continue across the roof, down the back window across the trunk and then end at the back bumper. There is yellow paint on the front bumper as well.
There is at least $1000.00 worth of damage to my car. The thing that gets me is my sons attitude lately. He used to be a really good, honest kid. This past year he has changed so much. He knows my rule. I don't care what the situation is, if you tell me the truth I will go easy on you. If you lie to me, then the consequences are going to be tough.
Since he turned 18 he thinks he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He also thinks he can talk to me anyway he wants to.
I don't want to sound like I a blaming anyone else, I know that he is old enough to make his own decisions. He was very involved in boyscouts up until 8 or 9 months before he turned 18. He was excited because he was very close to making Eagle rank (which carries alot of weight with colleges and on a resume). He met this girl who was into all that gothic stuff and also had alot of emotional issues and she told him he had to quit scouts so he could spend more time with her, and the idiot quit scouts! That's about when his whole attitude began to change. He broke it off with her, and got into another dysfunctional relationship and things got worse.
I just hope he doesn't start down the same road his sister is on. I took away his privledge (spelling, ugh) to drive my car. I tried to address the issue of his disrespect, but he stormed out the door. I have to get this in check before it gets too out of hand.
Thanks for letting me rant.
laurie
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Old 05-22-2010, 01:07 PM
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Laurie,

If this was my son, I would insist that he take responsibility for the damage to your car and pay to fix it. If he's not working, then it might be time for him to get at least a part time job. And I wouldn't let him drive any family vehicle until he showed that he can be responsible.

It's maybe time that he learned to respect his home and everyone in it, or disrespect it from someplace else?

We can't MAKE people change, but we can decide who gets to live on our homes...and who doesn't.

Big hugs because I know this is hard.
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Old 05-22-2010, 07:44 PM
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The car thing really concerns me. I hope it was just a fence he hit. Just throwing it out there but I'd consider calling the police to report it just in case it was a more serious accident where someone got hurt.

I know the exact person who put my sister on the path to self destruction. The thing that was hard to accept though is that although that man may have aided in her becoming the addict she is today, it would've never happened if she wasn't receptive of it. It doesn't make me dislike him any less though!
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:10 PM
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namommy,

i'm sorry you had to confront this. it sounds awful. you are, of course, correct, those windshields are made to withstand much force.

the only thing i would comment on, is your statement that you have to get this in check before it gets too out of hand. methinks it already is out of hand.
i do not believe that any reasoning, rules, cajoling or getting them to "see the light" actually gets through.

i'm really sorry.
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Old 05-23-2010, 11:04 AM
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Thanks everyone for your feedback.
Yesterday, he came home in the afternoon with 7 or 8 of his friends in tow, (I've always had my upstairs set up so the kids could hang out here rather than running the streets), I called my son aside privately and right away he started in about the car and there is no way, blah, blah, blah. I told him to sit down and I told him that the attitude, the disrespect, the laying around doing nothing all day, not helping out yet I pay his car insurance and cell phone and whatever else he needs is done. I gave him a choice. He could learn to follow the rules of the house, cut the disrespect, and do the chores that need to be done if he wants to live here, if he can't do those things then he needs to find someplace else to live. He said "fine, I'll find someplace else to go". then proceeded to go upstairs with his friends while others were knocking on the door. I went up and asked him which part of our conversation he didn't understand. When I went in his room there were alcohol bottles in there, and I could smell pot. I told them all that this is not party central and they all had to get out. He got mouthy and said "I told you I was going to find someplace" I said well you can start now, everyone OUT! I worked too hard for my own recovery and I am not going to allow drinking and pot smoking in my house. So he left yesterday, I haven't heard from him since.
I know he will be stopping in at some point because he was only wearing shorts and sneakers when he left. He will need to come here to get some clothes.
This happened before, back in January, right after he turned 18. He was gone for a week, came home, apologized and did well for a few months but it started up again.
I have a 12 year old son in the house who doesn't need to be exposed to all this. I have to think of him as well. My 18 year old son is big enough and strong enough to handle himself and this may be what he needs to finally open is eyes and get his life together.
All I can do now is keep him in my prayers and hope for the best.
If I can ask, will you also keep him in your prayers as well. He may not believe in God, but God believes in him.
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Old 05-23-2010, 02:40 PM
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Laurie, Your son and daughter are both in my prayers...and your younger son too. You've done the right thing - laid down your boundaries and let him know what is and is not acceptable in your home.
One thing I learned, but it took far too long, was that my children did best when they had ownership...Whether it was paying their own way; solving their own problems; figuring out issues, etc - If I stood back and gave them the room they needed to figure it out on their own, in time they did. Doing it on their own made a huge difference in self confidence too. They didn't like it at the time, but they appreciated it after.
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Old 05-24-2010, 09:43 AM
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Glad to visit with you again - but hate so much that the kids are doing what they are doing!

Prayers for your family - for strength, courage and wisdom for you so that you will know what is healthy and best for your household and for the kids that they will find the path to what is their HP's best for them!!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-24-2010, 10:19 AM
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He said "fine, I'll find someplace else to go". then proceeded to go upstairs with his friends while others were knocking on the door. I went up and asked him which part of our conversation he didn't understand. When I went in his room there were alcohol bottles in there, and I could smell pot. I told them all that this is not party central and they all had to get out. He got mouthy and said "I told you I was going to find someplace" I said well you can start now, everyone OUT!


I let my daughter walk all over me for way too long before I did that. I remember the moment like it was yesterday (Sept. '07), because it was the day I let go of fear and found my spine again.

I know you're not looking for praise, but I had to give it anyway. What you did was recovery in action and I wish everyone could see it!

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May the Creator continue to bless you, one day at a time!
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Old 05-26-2010, 05:52 AM
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I remember when my son got out of high school, he had a job, but did not want to continue his education and he wanted me to treat him like an "adult", as in let him do his own thing, not impose on "his" life.
I told him if he wanted me to treat him like an adult he had to act like one and start paying me rent, pay his car insurance, cell phone bill, etc.
He agreed and that was the best responsiblity teacher he ever had...after having to work and actually pay bills with his little paycheck it was a huge encouragement for him to return to school as well and take an active interest in growing up!
Sometimes learning the hard way is the best lesson.
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:09 PM
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Thanks everyone.
Haven't been on for a few days, my fibro was acting up and it's too difficult to sit on the puter when it does.
As for my son, I am pleasantly surprised at how well this is working out. He called on Monday night (I think) and wanted to talk to his little brother. They talked for a little bit and made plans for the next day. Then later that night he asked if he could stop by for some of his clothes and I told him of course. He spent a few minutes here and we talked a little. All of the tension wasn't gone but I know my son, and his behavior. He said he needed to tell me something. He said "Mom, you always taught us that no matter what we do, to tell the truth. No matter what it is. We will still have consequenses, but they will be worse if we lie about it." (his eyes started to tear up and his voice started to crack here) then he said "I've always told you the truth, and I didn't have an accident with the car and I can't understand why you won't believe me." I caught him wipe his eyes real quick as he took off out the door. I had to really pray about it, and I know for him to feel that, he is telling me the truth. The next day he came over again. This time he wanted to talk. He told me that he doesn't want us to be angry with each other, he wants us to have a good relationship. I asked him, if it was possible that someone at the party that night took his keys. He said he did go to sleep for a couple hours, it's possible, but he doesn't think so. I can't be sure. He has a whole new group of friends. It's not the same kids that he grew up with. Most of the new friends I don't trust. I just have to face the fact that I will never know the truth about what happened with my car, file a police report and call my insurance agent. Hopefully it will be covered. Then he said that maybe this is all happening for the best. He feels that we can have a better relationship and not fight as much if we are not under the same roof. So far, I agree.
He has actually come over and done more chores the past 2 days then he's ever done!! I've mentioned to him that I need help with some things around the house and he's just said "Ok mom." and done it! I should have done this a long time ago! I miss him being here at night, but that will pass. When my girls got older and moved out I couldn't get used to it at first, but eventually I did.
Thank you all for the prayers and support.
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