My daughter

Old 05-21-2010, 05:50 PM
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My daughter

I posted in another thread a little about myself, and I have issues with my husband and with my daughter, but am trying to keep them seperate.

My daughter started using when she was in high school. I detoxed her cold turkey on 3 different occaisons (that is how I finally got clean). After high school she moved with her father who was coming up on a year sober and she wanted to spend some time with him. I know the real reasons was she could manipulate him easier than she could me.
Back in February, she went into Rehab. My Exah lied to me and covered for her for 3 weeks when I finally yelled at him and told him that I knew something was going on because she never goes that long with talking to me, and since I gave him the courtesy of keeping him informed of what was going on with the kids, even when he was using, that I deserved the same respect. By the time I got to talk to her on the phone, one of the first things I told her was NOT to get in a rehab romance, but it was too late. She had already met someone during those first 3 weeks. This guy is the poster child for predators! After the first time I met him, he showed up at my house high, I told my daughter that she was going to have problems. I ran a background check on the guy and was blown away by his criminal history. Especially the Child Pornography charges that he was arrested for AFTER he met my daughter.
Anyway, he stole money and pills from my ExAh, and he told my daughter that if she didn't get rid of him, she had to get out of his house. I told her basically the same thing, if she wanted to come here she had to get rid of him. She chose to run with him and was on the streets for a few days. They rented a room in a rooming house in one of the badest neighborhoods in Philly. He locked her in the room and started using again and started beating her up. She managed to get her hands on his cell phone and get a text out to her friend "help me" and she put the address in it. Her friend went down to try to get her, but the guy kept getting more aggressive. the friend called my EX and he didn't do anything. He didn't tell me any of this for more than a day later. My husband and I picked up my ex and went down to get her. Picking up my ex was wasted time. We finally got her out, I brought her to my house for 4 days, then she went back to her dads. She was doing well, going to meetings, but last night I got a call and was told that she has been calling him behind our backs and sneaking talking to him. Her girlfriend confronted her with it last night and of course she had a lame excuse, and she defended the guy regarding the porn charges (he says it wasn't his camera and he didn't know the pics were on there when he downloaded them)
Right now, I am in a difficult position. I am not supposed to know that she is calling him, I have tried to set the conversation to go in that direction, but she is not biting. I don't want to tell her I know because then she will lose confidence in the person who is keeping me informed and I won't know if she starts using again. I am in a tough spot with this one. It is taking a huge toll on me.
I have fibromyalgia and stess causes flares and I have been in a tremendous amount of pain with all this going on.
Like I said I am now to the ANON end of recovery and any ESH that you can offer would be appreciated.
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:01 PM
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I was just thinking of you earlier today! So sorry to hear you are going through this. If you daughter is involved with this guy, chances are she won't listen until she is ready for the message. I wish that my message would be more cheerful but that's my personal experience with folks who have relationships early in recovery. Remember that early in recovery, we haven't finished healing ourselves up, so a lot of behavior patterns that we had while using are still there.

Sending hugs your way.
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namommy (05-22-2010)
Old 05-21-2010, 06:24 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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As you know, it takes what it takes to get to sobriety and then recovery.
Often we must learn how to detach, for our peace of mind and health.

You are not in control here.. accepting this is a healthy step.

When your AD gets to a bottom, she's not there yet, you may be able to offer help.
Tho help prob. can't be cold turkey @ mom's house.

Back away and see where you end and she begins.
Keep the faith, be patient.
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namommy (05-22-2010)
Old 05-22-2010, 07:12 AM
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I know something is up, when she is doing what she is supposed to be doing she calls me everynight. The past few days she hasn't called me. When I call her to see how she is, she has some excuse to get off the phone right away. I called her yesterday to see if she wanted to go to SoberStock with me today and she said she had to call me back later and never did.
It's amazing how addicts think they are fooling people, especially a parent who is an recovering addict herself. I can't tell you how many times I have had to call my mom to make additional amends during this entire ordeal. Now I know what I put my parents through.
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