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Old 05-21-2010, 05:32 PM
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Want to introduce myself..

I had been a member of SR years ago. Then stopped coming on regularly, and eventually stopped all together.
I am a recovering Addict/Alcholic. God willing this coming August I will celebrate 14 years Clean and Sober. I am recently faced with some issues that are best dealt with in a Nar-anon or Al-anon setting.
My husband, God willing, will be clean and sober for 22 year this July. However, he has been a dry drunk for many years. he doesn't practice priniples in his life, and has just recently started going back to meetings. It is hard to try to set boundaries with someone when you live in the same house with them. I am not willing to live in an atmosphere where everyone has to walk around on egg shells because they never know what mood he will be in or what is going to set him off. Back in January we had the blow out of all blow outs and I finally laid down an ultimatum. I told him that if he didn't get some help for his anger issues, either therapy, marriage counseling, or go back to a 12 step program (I don't care which one) or I was leaving when our lease was up. He started going to AA meetings and at first things were going well, but the past few weeks, he hasn't been going to meetings, he stopped calling his sponsor and has slipped back into his old patterns. Every time I try to talk to him, he twists everything I say, and it turns into a huge fight. People keep saying that I have to stay out of his business, but where do we draw the line? When is enough, enough? How is he supposed to know how his behavior is affecting our household if I bite my tongue?
Last week, we had another fight. This time I told him that I don't care what he does, but he is not going to do it with me in his life. If his behavior continues, I am moving upstate (which we have been planning), but I am moving me and the kids, not him. I don't have to allow that behavior in my life anymore. Am I wrong?
I am also going through some major issues with my daughter, but that is an entirely different thread.
Any ESH?
Thanks
Laurie
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Old 05-21-2010, 05:57 PM
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Back in January we had the blow out of all blow outs and I finally laid down an ultimatum. I told him that if he didn't get some help for his anger issues, either therapy, marriage counseling, or go back to a 12 step program (I don't care which one) or I was leaving when our lease was up. He started going to AA meetings and at first things were going well, but the past few weeks, he hasn't been going to meetings, he stopped calling his sponsor and has slipped back into his old patterns.
So, did you mean what you said? If so, why did you have to give him another ultimatum?

Believe me, I know it's easier said than done.
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:03 PM
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It became your business when it affected you. I recommend you follow through on your ultimatum.
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Old 05-21-2010, 08:29 PM
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(((((((((welcome home)))))))))))

Take a deep breath and a hot bubble bath. Pamper yourself some. When you are calm and not being pulled in a million different directions, then take some time, all by yourself and think about what it is you can do to make yourself happy. He doesn't control your happiness, only you have the power to do that.

B
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Old 05-22-2010, 06:48 AM
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Thanks everyone. Last night I had a quality talk with my sponsor. She told me to look at what I am willing to accept, what I am not willing to accept. She also told me to write 3 letters. The first, write exactly as I was talking to her, let all the anger out, let it all go. The second, remove the anger and the feelings and just write out the facts. The third, write the facts in a way that I feel he will be receptive to them. It doesn't matter if I give the letter to him or not, it only matters that I get what I am feeling out.

I always have an hour set aside each night for myself. That hour is my prayer and meditation time. She told me after I write the letters to spend my hour praying and meditating on the situation with my husband and see what God has to say.

Well, this morning, unprovoked, my husband told me that he is going to call his sponsor today and start going to meetings again. Maybe he heard me on the phone with my sponsor last night, maybe God opened his eyes, I don't know what happened, I just hope he means it.

We will be married 13 years next month. It's not that easy to just walk away from a marriage that used to be good. It's also difficult when you have a 12 year old son who already has depression and anxiety, who begs us not to get divorced every time he senses that we are fighting. (we don't fight in front of our kids, we agreed on that a long time ago, little spats are one thing, but we keep the big issues to ourselves).

Working on my own recovery is work enough, trying to add another person to the mix is hard.
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Old 05-22-2010, 07:04 AM
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namommy- Well! Isn't that something!!! Good for him (and you)!!!

If you have a sponsor and an hour of prayer & meditation time every day, you are WAY ahead of the game!!

I hope that today is a peaceful day for you. (((Hugs)))
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Old 05-22-2010, 10:52 AM
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It's also difficult when you have a 12 year old son who already has depression and anxiety
Have you considered Alateen for him?

I really feel for you. I've read your other posts and you've got an entire family suffering with codependency. I've come believe it's at the root of addictive personalities, whether it involves substances or not.

I don't have any advice other than the question I asked. You're already doing what you need to do for yourself. I just want you to know I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 05-23-2010, 11:23 AM
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I asked my son a few weeks ago if he wanted to go to Ala-teen meetings, I explained how they would help him with everything that is going on around here and he said "no".
He sees a social worker for individual sessions at school, he is part of an after school "grief therapy" group, and he has another group session with kids in his school who deal with the same issues. I think he feels a bit overwhelmed adding something else.
My 18 year old son who is giving me so much grief went to Ala-teen for years, and for a short time he was going to NA meetings of his own doing. (at first I didn't even know he was going).
Thank you all for the ESH.
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Old 05-23-2010, 11:56 AM
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Thumbs up

Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely grateful.

I like seeing people return here
to SR. It's like a family in here
once we get to know a little bit
about them.

I remember your name so it's
comforting to see it again.

I recently went to a meeting
where someone who had 20
22 yrs went back out but returned
to share with us that they had
quantity of yrs sober but not
quality in so many words.

I understand how that can happen
yet dont undertand why would
anyone want to lose those yrs.
of happiness and gifts promised
us if we stayed sober or clean.

I can go to a meeting or read here
how people leave and return to
share that life with alcohol or drugs
is still alive and well and continueing
to kick butt big time.

That if they stopped working a
recovery program that the urge
to drink or drug sneaks up on
them very quickly. Its so cunning
baffling and powerful that it will
catch u off guard when least
expected.

All i have is a daily reprieve
from a drink and as long as
i work my recovery program
of sharing my ESH or what it
was like before during and
after alcohol then im pretty
sure i will stay sober today.

It doesnt matter if i have a
zillion days sober or one
day sober, im still one drink
away from a drunk.

SR has been an awesome
lifeline and another tool
for me to use in my recovery.
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Old 05-23-2010, 01:11 PM
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Namommy - I remember you well and am glad that you are posting again. I missed you. My husband is a sober addict as well and I understand too well what you are talking about. I have struggled with the same issues of staying out of his program but when and where do I get to speak up.

I've realized that his behavior is my bottom line vs. whether he is going to meetings or calling his sponsor. I sure can tell when he goes to meetings even though he sits there and never talks to anyone or says anything. I've noticed that the bare minimum for him to retain decent behavior is 3 meetings a week. It's been 5 weeks or more since he even went to one meeting. I simply dislike being around him because he is irritable, self centered, and discontent. I have minimal interaction with him when he is behaving that way.

In the past I said that if he was not in recovery that I would not continue a relationship with him and I broke that boundary. For now. The day is coming when I will be ready to move - and like you, the reason I stay is because of my sons. They want to stay in our house until they graduate (my husband is their stepfather). I live my life pretty separate and apart from my husband at this point. When he is in recovery I like him but when he is not - I can't stand him. I wish that my finances/house weren't tied up with him but they are so I am figuring out the best way to disengage and when to do it.

In the meantime, I have backed off my bottom line of him being in recovery and transitioned to another one...his behaviors. He met the recovery bottom line until we did the house thing and once that tied us tighter he backed off of his commitments. Should have known that one was coming but I trusted him. Silly me.

I can't see living my life this way indefinitely. He senses when I pull away/am about out the door and then goes to a few meetings...and then his efforts dwiddle away again. I know his pattern and I know that the croccodile tears start and the promises are made when he thinks he is losing me. He is obviously not reaching for recovery for himself so that probably is why it doesn't stick.

When I am ready I am going to have all of my ducks in a row and I am leaving. Done. No more tears or promises are going to matter any more. If by some miracle he begins to work a recovery or work on himself then I am open to the possibility of remaining together.

No matter how much I want him to make the effort I can't control that. He wants what he wants and doesn't have to work to keep it or maintain it. He is telling me by his actions pretty loudly what his deal is - I just hate hearing what he has to say. I would like for him to care enough that he would make the effort but he doesn't.

I just don't want to live my life wasting time on hoping that he will change. Right now - at least for today - it suits my purposes to stay. But that is certainly open for debate at any moment.

Glad that you are back!
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:18 AM
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just to say that you and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:19 PM
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Thank you all. He's been pretty considerate since he told me he is going to get back involved. He's gone to meetings, but has yet to call his sponsor.
When we had our argument, he kept saying that he does everything for me, "I wait on you hand and foot". So at that point I decided that I would not ask him for a single thing. I think he's noticed and when I get up to get something, he's real quick to say 'Do you want me to get that" I tell him NO.
I have to get a phone call will finish later
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:36 AM
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Sorry, a sponsee called and needed to talk. Was on the phone until midnight. I was too tired to come back on.
Anyway, a few days ago he told me that he "wants" to do things for me because he loves me and he knows the pain I am. I replied that if he really "Wanted" to do things for me, he never would have made that comment in the first place. And, at the same time he was going to have to learn how to do certain things for himself.
I usually have all the important phones calls, all the bills, make all the doctors appointments, call in prescription refills, balance the check book and watch the bank account, things like that at dumped on me to do. I also have to be the one to remember stupid things like trash night. If I don't remind someone that it is trash night, the trash doesn't get taken down. Sometime I have to get on them to just empty the kitchen trash can.
So, I started cleaning up after myself, and getting my 12 year old to do the same (which has not been easy) and I told my RAH that he has to start doing the same. The only problem, my house is now a mess!
A few days ago, he came out of the bathroom with his empty prescription bottles and just dumped them on the sofa with me and said "these need to be called in." Not a "Can you?" or a "please would you?" All I had to do was give him "that look" and he caught himself and apologized. Said he's sorry and he is becoming more aware of how much I do. His main excuse is "but, you're really good at handling these things."
I guess that's OK, he does all the cooking because he is a really good cook. He makes fantastic meals. So I shouldn't complain about some of it, but the messy house has to stop.
We're going to the beach this weekend, maybe the break from the daily drudge will help all of us unwind and be less tense and help things around here.
Thanks again.
Laurie
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