Krys

So my ABF claims to be clean...has claimed to be for a couple of months now. Talks to me about having cravings, calls for support, goes to therapy (when they actually have an opening). Since I have backed off (been trying not to be so codie) I have noticed him doing things on his own, making more of an effort and actually feeling proud of himself for once. He was out of work for a couple of days (short break between construction jobs) which is always a trigger for him. His dealer usually gets her supply of pills every other Tuesday and on Monday he told me he was worried about knowing she would have them on his day off. We talked about it and on the "dark Tuesday" as I call it he called me. I have not been checking up on him, I've been leaving it up to him to call for support so I was happy to see him do it. The problem is he has been sleep walking a lot more lately, he usually goes months between incidents of sleep walking, but it has happened at least 3 times in the past week. When he is not sleep walking he is up and down at night, and last night he was scratching his face so much I thought it would fall off. His DOC is prescription meds, more recently Percocet. I have taken them before after a surgery and know that on more than one occasion I have wanted to rip my nose off it was so freaking itchy. He has also been up my butt lately, calling to check in, feeling guilty about hurting me, spouting love all over the place, and while he has always been a love bug, I am wondering if this is guilt over a possible relapse. I don't know whether or not to confront him. If I do and I don't have proof to shove in his face I will fall over dead if he actually admits it. I don't know if asking is even worth it, he will lie, I will still suspect, and blah blah blah. I am also trying to work on my codependency and am glad this is not affecting me on a deeper level...usually I would think this was the end of the world. Is it back sliding to ask him? I don't want to insult him if I am wrong...he has been trying hard, but I don't want to let it get worse if I am right. Ugh.

LeeRoy

I am in a similar position... just posted about son who is "sober" but exhibiting all the classic user behavior.

Wish I knew for certain myself. I personally would like to know for sure so that I could make a hard and fast decision about whether he stays or goes. It would make it easier to keep boundaries with confirmation. My head tells me that if my boundaries are being crossed then it doesn't matter why and I should enforce those limits to maintain my sanity and health. My heart wants to hope there is something I don't know that might explain such behavior.

So I guess the question for you is...what happens if you find out?

Chino

What is 'it'?

Krys

The addiction. I know I can't control it, but I feel like ignoring the possibility that he could be relapsing is a bad idea. I'm new to the whole letting go thing and am having a tough time trying to figure out what is proactive and healthy and what is too much or controlling. Does that make any sense?

outonalimb

Krys...

Play the tape all the way through.

If you ask him and he denies relapse, will you REALLY believe him? Will you be satisfied with his answer and at peace?

If you ask him and he admits relapse, are you prepared to handle it? What would you do?

I say this with love in my heart as someone who has been where you are (and who struggles daily to stay away from this spot)...Your focusing your energy and attention on the wrong person. Instead of focusing on what he may or may not be doing, try focusing more on YOU...on whether you're happy with this person...whether he's the one for you...whether he fulfills your needs emotionally.

The answer lies within you...not with him.

Hugs

Chino

Yes, it makes sense and I understand what you're saying.

It isn't a good idea for us to ignore it, for ourselves. Asking them or giving them our opinion on a relapse is pointless, like you said. I've learned I literally can't be proactive about an addicts relapse, only my response to it.

Do you have boundaries for yourself?

Krys

Thanks guys. You are right. I know he is trying hard and is afraid of disappointing/losing me which makes things so tough. I do love him and while I am not ready to walk away, I am taking better care of myself. I have told him that as long as he is making an effort and moving forward I will support him, but that if he does not move forward I will have to move on for my own sanity. He seemed to think that I would never give up on him and will love him no matter what so this was quite upsetting to him. I told him it has nothing to do with love. I have an endless supply of love for him, but I do not have an endless supply of patience or tolerance. Everyone has their breaking point. He took that hard, and I felt bad, but I was proud of myself for being honest. Especially since it's the truth...no codie manipulation or control in there. All I can do is hope that he makes the right decisions and really wants to get better. I guess I just have a hard time with not asking him about his recent behavior because I do not know if I believe that pretending I do not know is healthy. I wound up asking him before I got your responses and of course he said he had done nothing wrong and was trying really hard. I told him I knew I could not influence him either way, I am trying to trust that he is doing the right thing, but that when I am concerned i will not ignore it. I do not expect anything to come out of it, it will not be brought up again. Ugh. trying to do the right thing is a pain in the ass!

Chino

Which way do you want to look at it? Pretending you don't know or working with what you have? Allowing him the dignity to deal with his own reality, and having the dignity to deal with yours? I'm sure there are other ways to look at it, too.

Krys

I guess it's the not being sure of what my reality with this relationship is. When I know he is using I know where I am, same when I know he is clean. Suspecting is a weird road. I guess there are days when I don't know what the heck I am doing. I mean I can't really make a decision concerning this relationship if I don't know for sure what I am (or am not) dealing with.The only conclusion I have come to in the last 24 hours is that I might just stink at this! lol

hello-kitty

You have no control over "it". None. You can only control your own actions. What does his behavior tell you right now? Take the potential drug abuse out of the picture - Is his behavior/attitude something that is acceptable to you or not?

Krys

Well...yes. With the exception of the sleep walking and the clawing of his own face he has been the guy I fell in love with. I can't complain, I have nothing other than sleep problems to fuel my suspicions, when he is awake he seems perfectly normal. Well except that he is smothering me with love ever since I explained the whole everyone has their breaking point thing to him. I will take your advice, I do need to let him deal with this on his own. He and I will both be better off. Thank you!!

Chino

Well then, that's your reality right now. Like kitty said, take drugs out of it and ask yourself if suspicious behavior is acceptable to you or not?

tjp613

But at least you're beginning to ask yourself the RIGHT questions!

"This is my reality. Do I want to change it or learn to accept it?"

outtolunch

What might be the intent of a confrontation?

You have no control over him. There is no such thing as letting someone get worse or better, for that matter. No one needs permission to get loaded.

If he is using again, it will become apparent. Only you can decide your own boundaries and if that includes living with someone in active addiction, or not.