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The boundary-setting process during recovery...

Old 05-20-2010, 03:53 PM
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The boundary-setting process during recovery...

After alot of thought...I mean ALOT of thought...and prayer...I have developed some very clear boundaries in dealing with my exah over the last couple of months.

The boundaries are clear in my mind. They are immoveable. They are based solely on what is right for me. They are not aimed at changing his behavior. They are designed solely to maintain peace in my life.

I've monkeyed around with boundaries for years now. Many of the boundaries in the beginning were about changing HIM...influencing HIM...controlling the situation and its outcome. My focus was on him even though i thought it was on me.

After many years (5 or so but who's counting), I think I FINALLY get it. I realize that I am solely responsible for my wellbeing. If I want peace in my life I have to choose to have peace and not just pray for it and hope it happens. In the beginning, this would have felt 'selfish' and wrong. Today, it feels like a good thing for everyone concerned.

I know I have a long way to go. I'm sure the boundaries will have to be modified along the way. Exah will always be a part of my life because we have a son together. But the burden of feeling 'selfish' is gone. Thank God.

Where are you in the boundary setting process? Are your boundaries about YOU and only YOU?

.
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:16 PM
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Yay for you Out!!!! You did it!

I have to laugh today - struggling as I am, or was, with a situation with my extended family. But, after some ES&H (thank you), I feel better and not so muddled. What you wrote, especially about the selfish thing - it is sometimes such a struggle for me to fully grasp that concept.

I still have the most trouble with old relationships - especially family. Things pop up and I find that I can slip with boundaries and sanity.

New life, new people, new relationships, I feel like I'm doing well and am clear with myself as to what I will accept and allow to have in my life in close proximity. Much different that what I used to do.

Years from now I'm sure I will look back and see continued progress (I hope anyway), but laugh at myself and what I thought was doing "well" - but based on what I know now... Can't wait to see what I will know then!
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:18 PM
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Just as you, Xah willalways be a part of my life. But I want to build the best life for my kids and I. I he can be a part of it - good! If not - his loss.

Last edited by Ann; 05-21-2010 at 05:27 AM.
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:34 PM
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I struggle with the concept of boundaries and my kids where my AH is concerned... He always says my boundaries where the girls are concerned are really attempts to be a co-dependent and control him. But I don't want him driving the girls around half-lit on opiates or amphetamines or any other narcotic...and obviously I cannot trust him to tell me the truth...so there's the stale mate.

How do you manage the boundaries of letting your EXAH be whoever he is going to be...do whatever he is going to do... and yet not allow him to put your son in an unsafe situation???

Last edited by Ann; 05-21-2010 at 05:27 AM.
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Old 05-20-2010, 10:04 PM
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These days I equate my boundaries to a castle moat stocked full of crocodiles and piranhas. It's there to protect me. If someone crosses my boundaries it's because I let the drawbridge down and allowed them.
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Old 05-21-2010, 04:51 AM
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At first, early in recovery, it was very difficult for me to establish good boundaries and then keep them.

It got easier with time, and then got less necessary as my recovery grew and people already knew my boundaries and respected them.

But even today, many years later, I have to remember that I CAN set boundaries when I need to. It is much easier to do today, just tricky to remember I have the option sometimes.

Thanks for this thread, Limb, good food for thought this morning.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:50 AM
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Out - you're sounding good girl!

You hit the nail on the head for me when you started talking about peace. I used to value connection more than I did peace but now that has switched around. The more self energy I get the more that that is what I value.

I've found that once I've had a taste of "peace" that I want more. My boundaries are changing a whole lot because I am valuing peace more and more and am seeing where I give it away.

Thanks for this post!
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Old 05-21-2010, 05:20 PM
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First, thank you for this thread, it is an area that I have been struggling with lately. I will be clean and sober (God willing) 14 years this coming August. I have learned alot about me. The area of being on the other end however is new to me. Recently, my daughter (20 years old) has been making really bad decisions, and my husband (coming up on 22 years clean and sober) has been a dry drunk for a long time. I try to set boundaries with both, but am having a hard time keeping it about me and not making demands on them.

Originally Posted by ThatLittleGirl View Post
I struggle with the concept of boundaries and my kids where my AH is concerned... He always says my boundaries where the girls are concerned are really attempts to be a co-dependent and control him. But I don't want him driving the girls around half-lit on opiates or amphetamines or any other narcotic...and obviously I cannot trust him to tell me the truth...so there's the stale mate.

How do you manage the boundaries of letting your EXAH be whoever he is going to be...do whatever he is going to do... and yet not allow him to put your son in an unsafe situation???
As for the above question, when my kids were little if their father (my exah) wanted the kids for his weekend visit, I had to SEE him face to face and make a decision if he was drinking or using at the time. I told my kids that if he starts drinking or acting funny (they knew we were both addicts) and if they got scared they should call me and I would come and get them. There were a few times that they called me, and sometimes his mother would call me because he lived with her.
I told him if he wants to spend time with his kids he had to be clean and sober at least for that weekend.

Again, thanks for this thread, I am going to keep checking it to see what I can learn.
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Old 05-22-2010, 07:53 PM
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I, too, struggled for years with this same issue. However, I'm definitely "there" when it comes to boundaries!! I'm so proud of myself and cannot believe how easy it is...now that I'm in control of "me" and my life. I've (finally) come to the realization I cannot control, nor change my exah.

My divorce was final 4 years ago this month and tomorrow we would have celebrated our 12th anniversary. I'm not sad, I'm very happy with my life with my boys and celebrate the freedom of living withOUT an addict.

My boundaries are, and have been, in place for quite some time and I actually have SR to thank!!!
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by lightseeker View Post
I used to value connection more than I did peace but now that has switched around.
way to articulate what has been my reality for a large part of the past three years.


out,

sounds wonderful

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