SisOfAnAddict

So things have changed since my last update. Mom and Dad have seen first hand how bad Sis's addiction is. She went on a crack binge and was missing for 3 days. When she turned up in an ER (she was fine but remorseful and wanted help) and my folks took her home. That night she called her dealer and acted really weird the next morning. I'd bet a years salary she was high. My parents agreed. The BF has instant access to her phone records and that's how we know she got in touch with her dealer. They refuse to deal with her anymore. I hope they stick to it. I came to visit when sis was there and she was... frightening is the best word for it. Erratic. She scared my toddler. She wouldn't leave him alone and he wailed when she'd try to pick him up. She refused to leave him alone and it put me on edge. That isn't the sister I know.

We called the nephew's father and hopefully he can keep custody this time. Sis is gone now... Off on some "vacation" with boyfriend. Last week while BF was out she called her dealer and had it delivered. How she paid for it is up to our imagination since she has no money. She couldn't leave the house since she had her son there.

It's been, what, 5 months? since she started using. In less than half a year she's lost her nursing license, started prostituting herself to her dealer, and (hopefully) lost custody of her son.

I don't know who I was looking at this past Monday but it wasn't my sister. She truly frightened me.

And the worst part? When people tell me "I'm so sorry for you, it must be hard" I feel sorry for THEM for worrying about her. I'm not sad right now. All I see is a crack addict and I want her GONE until she recovers. The hard part in all of this is supporting my family in stopping enabling her. It's been a whirlwind since we found out she's using (just over a month now) I haven't had a moment to breathe let alone be sad.

Ann

Careful with this, Sis. I know that when I was in my dark days of codependency, I was fine as long as I stuffed the feelings and just kept busy taking care of every one else's problems so I didn't have to look at mine.

It all came back to bite me when I began recovery and learned to take time to breathe and step back from everyone's problems and face my own.

Meetings helped me enormously, saved my life and saved my sanity. Maybe you and your family could try some and see if they don't help you too. You can't help your sister right now, but you can take care that her addiction doesn't drag you all down with her. Trust me, it happens to the best of us, we just hang on so long we get dragged down to a darker place than I have ever known.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

SisOfAnAddict

Thanks Ann, I needed to hear that.

coffeedrinker

how are you today, sis?

SisOfAnAddict

Coffeedrinker, I'm surprisingly fine with the current turn of events. Sis got into a rehab but checked herself out that night. She's been on the streets for the past few nights and has finally verbalized that this is where she intends to stay. I don't know why but her shooting down any hope (for now) of recovery has put me at peace. I'm sad, but there is nothing I can do and I have finally stopped feeling responsible for pulling her out of her own mess. I finally cried today and I feel an enormous weight is off my shoulders.

Despite the very bad news today, I feel better than I have in weeks.

suki44883

Sometimes just knowing they have made a choice, even if it's not a good choice, gives us peace. She had it all laid out in front of her and could choose which road to take. The fact that she chose the route of addiction is out of your hands. It may sound strange, but just knowing she made a choice somehow makes it easier for us to let go.

coffeedrinker

I agree with Suki. It's HARD to be in limbo-land, and it's REALLY HARD when they say they want sobriety, yet their actions show otherwise. It can keep us stuck when their words don't match up and - for me - is crazy-making. You can feel like you're communicating with a present adult human being, but in reality, you're not.