Is it ever a GOOD thing to NOT kick out an addict?
 

Hi Everyone,

I've been posting here about my addict daughter, who has been told she has until June 1st to find somewhere else to live. Things seemed to be peaceful around here until today when she told me the landlord at the place she has put a security deposit down on is requiring her to also have a co-signer for the lease. Is this common? Why should a 22 year old (adult) be required to have a cosigner? Unfortunately for her we will NOT be cosigning. We sense a serious red flag putting ourselves on the hook for this.

Anyway, the real reason I'm here is I've been wondering if anyone has experience with addict who actually got better while living at home. I'm not really having doubts about our decision to kick her out... but I just was wondering. Is it possible and can anyone here attest to it?

I know how it's said an addict needs to hit rock bottom before turning around... but I also have this worry that kicking her out might truly break her spirit and... it could be the end of her.

Thanks for listening.

Letting my son live at home never worked for me.

We allowed that several times, when he was clean and was going to meetings and "doing" the "do" things. But then he would relapse and we would continue the dance of trying to get him to leave. It was never easy but always necessary. When using he would steal from us, disappear and not let us know where he was, leading to worry on our part. He would lie, and he would bring drugs home and use them in his room.

My home, my safehaven, would become a battle ground every time.

Any time he had a year or more clean, he got it living on his own, often after attending a rehab.

We haven't heard from him in almost 6 years, last heard he was using and I suspect he still is, or struggling.

If he showed up at my door tomorrow, he still could not live here. I almost lost my sanity once and don't ever want to go back to that dark place again. I know now that "I" am not the only answer, "I" am not his solution. I think he knows that too, wherever he is. I would encourage and support his efforts to find or keep his sobriety...just not with him living here.

Hope this helps.

Hugs

Thank you, Ann, this is such a difficult and foreign road to travel and I appreciate your words, obviously born out of experience. I can relate to what you said about addiction threatening the safe haven that is home. Is that ever true! And it's ironic that my daughter has expressed displeasure at having to move to a 'not so safe' area and yet how many days, up in her room, in a suburban home in a quiet neighborhood, has she, by her own hand, put her life at risk?

Anvilhead, I'm not sure I understand what you mean about buffering her disappointment. She expresses anger more than anything, saying that her having to move out is so "f***** up." Still, as much as we hate that it's come to this, nothing is changing, here in the home. She is still using drugs here, still lying, WAS stealing but I don't think lately since we confronted her on it. And we've given her all the "chances" we are willing to. Perhaps too many.

She actually has a good employment history... not sure how long that will last however.

To be honest, I can't be certain she is even telling the truth about things. Meaning, she may try and come up with every excuse in the book so that we would let her stay here. I feel like I need to stand my ground. The deadline is getting closer and perhaps it was MY disappointment that I was feeling, that this whole move is not going as smooth as it seemed. For all involved.

I really am not feeling like it COULD work out for her at home. But I am not a fortune teller... and perhaps I do wonder on occasion if her staying here might be the lesser of two evils. But then I'm reminded... she needs to go.

What you said about wings - well said.

Hope44, I can only relate from my own AD. It did NOT work out when she was living with us. Now that she is on her own, she's turned a corner, working a good program, changing her attitude and in general feeling good about herself.

Serenity, it's good to hear your daughter is turning things around. I hope it continues and works that way for my daughter, too. It is hard to describe but there is this sense I feel that each day more of her goes missing. Maybe once her dad and I are out of the way, she'll be found.

hope,

perhaps you've read here the definition of "enabling": doing something for another that they could or should be doing for themselves.

at 22, it's probably time to leave the nest, whether there is drug use or not.

but, since there is, you really have no choice, imo. if she stays, more angst and stress than you might imagine could be awaiting you. you will (possibly) enter the world of crazy and start to lose your own life. then come the resentments. i would urge you to continue to stand your ground.

and yes, it is now commonplace i believe for the nicer rentals to require a co-signer. my daughter at age 19 needed this for her apt with three other friends. i said that i was sorry, but i just didn't feel comfortable doing it. a relative of one of the roomies did. on their first weekend in that BEAUTIFUL fancy apartment they had a party, in which a friend of a friend who heard about the party threw up off the building roof, police were called and they were evicted the next day.

Just wanted to say I don't know how that angry, steam coming out of the ears, face appeared on my post above. I must have clicked it by accident! Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. happyface:

THERE ARE PLENTY OF ADS - "room-mate wanted" "room for rent with house share"
needing no co-sign and cheaper rent in an established apt or house.
I gave my son 1 hr. notice to get out once.
He's 2 yrs sober and I still would not be his co-signer

The chaos of addiction not happening in my house
and after rehab my house is not the place to build a sober life.
Not good for parent or adult child

We told out 18 year old AD that she had run out of chances..after paying for rehab and doing all we felt comfortable doing. She is not in recovery, but I am and let me tell you.. having your own space back can be very healing. Now we are asking 20 yr. old to leave to.. I want my own house!!!

If she refuses to find housing, don't let that hold you hostage. I bet there are plenty of homeless shelters, rehab clinics and women's resource shelters in your area that can help her better than you can. Give her a list of places, a hug and send her on her way. You aren't limited to only three options, an apartment, your house or dead on the street.

My 24-year old AS lived with me for all his adult life. The only time he bothered to find a real job was the 2 previous times I asked him to leave. Both times he came begging to come back, I felt sorry for him and within a month of being back he stopped working.

Living here gave him the opportunity to feed his addiction without having to worry about the basics and it just progressed and got worse.

What I have noticed both times he got a job was that he got some self-confidence and pride with it. My biggest regret is that I took him back those 2 times. I truly enabled him to get a lot worse right under my eyes.
It is hard to force your child to leave, but I see that it is by far the best option for them.

Something else I have been thinking about lately is that is must be really hard when a child dies, but watching your addicted child slowly killing himself is like mourning his death over and over. There is no closure because you do not know how it will end. So I can understand when you say you feel you are losing your child bit by bit.

Hope - sounds like you and I are going thru the same thing, except that I am about a year and a half farther down the road. During that time we've given my son many chances at turning his life around, usually based on his ability to lie and manipulate even a smart cookie like me. ;) Well, it has finally sunk in that letting him go is THE ONLY WAY for him to get better if that's ever going to happen. He's been out on his own for a couple of weeks now.

I just want to ask you what you are prepared to do if/when June 2nd rolls around and she is still living in your house with a litany of excuses as to why she can't move out? Believe me, the excuses will come.

DO NOT co-sign anything!!!! EVER!!!

Stay in touch. We need each other!

One of the original questions was whether anyone had ever experienced letting their loved one live at home where they "found" recovery. So far, no one has posted an affirmative to that. Interesting.

I wonder what kind of responses one would get on putting that question out on the general internet (don't know how) so that lots of people could have the chance to respond instead of this little group we have here on soberrecovery.

Here I am, but it involved her being in a nasty car wreck and getting Hep C. Those things were and are completely beyond the control of me and my husband, and only she could own them.

I had to work really hard at recovery for her to stay here. My husband didn't want to permanently kick her out and I wasn't going to make that decision for him. So I had a choice, move out or learn how to deal with both of them. I chose the latter. There were times when I had to show her the door but it always remained open for her, when she was ready to do the work.

Thanks for the support tjp. If I remember right, you are the one who wrote your son a letter, but didn't get the opportunity to give it to him? That letter helped to solidify some things for me... like many of the posts here it helps to see our hearts being expressed in another's words and experiences.

As far as what are we prepared to do - good question which I've thought ALOT about! (The excuses are already surfacing.) I really feel we need to stand our ground and follow through. If she does not have a place of her own to move into she will have to find somewhere else or someONE else to stay with until she does. She knows this. I really don't know HOW it's going to play out (and try my best to not worry over the details)... all I know is we need to NOT turn back.

We definitely are not co-signing anything more for her. Unfortunately, four years ago, when she had her head on straight and all the world at her fingertips, we cosigned her college loans. Feeling a bit anxious about that, these days....