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I want to cut her off.

Old 05-18-2010, 04:38 AM
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I want to cut her off.

It surprises me, there's been a week of drama with my sister. Before that though, everything was fine for nearly 6 months - but the situation was artificial, I realize that now. She can do better if she wants to, that's all this taught me. She doesn't really want, there's other stuff she'd rather do, apparently. Her husband is going to drag her down and she's going along with him. I have been figuring out how to rescue her all week but now I think I have had a realization: I don't want to deal with it anymore, at all. I want to tell her good-bye, have a nice life. And my plan was to take over her money and have her turn her checks over to me, live on a budget, I don't even want to do that. Forget this battle. I don't want to do it. Let her go to a shelter. Let her go to treatment. Let HER figure it out. I care, sort of, but I don't right now. I don't want to hear the bad news, just the good news. I was there for her, now I don't want to be. Now she has has zero good friends.

She's suicidal underneath it all. And I feel indifferent at the moment. It's been a long life of this. I realize, I haven't really loved her in a long time. I feel cold, completely cold.

Everything on the internet so far that I've found says, "Don't cut them off, let them still talk to you but have boundaries." What if I'm sick of doing that and I'm done? What if I'm an ******* and I'm overreacting, not being fair, but am all the same done? She might not have even done anything yet but what I see right now is that she's gearing up to her full potential for screwing me over. Though she may have stolen from me today, maybe she didn't but I do not trust her. I think this suspicion is what is doing it. If she wasn't family she would've been gone from my life 15 years ago regardless of proof or facts. I listen to my instincts with every stranger in the world. I'm going to listen to them for her now. How guilty are people in my life going to make me feel about this?

Maybe I will change my mind tomorrow. Maybe I will forget. I don't want to forget. I've been a fool.
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:30 AM
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It's not really true. I do love her. But the more I think about it, the more I realize if I don't cut her off, I'm doing the exact same thing she's doing with her husband, and she's doing with drugs and whatever else she's doing. It hasn't been working, time to stop. Of course I'd be heartsick if she got hurt or hurt herself. That's always the rub, isn't it? She's choosing that, not me! I just need to accept her choice and let her take the consequences that go with it.
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Old 05-18-2010, 06:13 AM
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Like you I love my son very much, that will never change.
However what did change was that I stopped putting on
my Super Hero Mom costume and saving him every time that
he made a choice to self destruct or steal or lie or use me.
When we make it easy we keep our addicts where "they"
want to be..
Aww what a relief it was for me to just be Mom, say I love you
and this is where your choices are there for you to undo and work
through.
My choice is to be what I am..not involved as I wasn't included in
the decision making of the bad behavior..it is not my ownership.


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Old 05-18-2010, 06:41 AM
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It's true... super hero costume. That's exactly right. Somehow I was seeing the problems as being my responsibility. Thank you, Lauren, that was encouraging to read.
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Old 05-18-2010, 06:51 AM
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I've gotten to that point with my Son also, I think it's self preservation really. There is only so much you can give and help. I still love him and want to see him well, but I'm just tired. What makes it harder is the 'clean' times he has, which last months and months...I truly enjoy him as a person for that time and then it never fails..wham, back we go.

You said...

Of course I'd be heartsick if she got hurt or hurt herself. That's always the rub, isn't it? She's choosing that, not me! I just need to accept her choice and let her take the consequences that go with it.

Exactly...
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Old 05-18-2010, 07:50 AM
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Yes, I am glad you brought up that "clean" time. That has probably been the most confusing part. I have always wanted so much for it to be true and last that when things started going sour maybe that's why I wasn't able to see it in a big picture. It was always "she's messing up now" instead of "she's been messing up consistently for years".

I wish I had had this realization long ago. It's the only simple logical fact put so elegantly by Lauren, that I can't own consequences for her actions that I had no part in. I've been watching her go down this path, and saving her from any consequence I could but she chose it.

Does anyone have advice about how to tell my sister this? I feel that I should tell her so that she doesn't catch me off-guard someday soon by asking me for a quick favor. Or do I just keep saying no, every time, without getting into it in depth?
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:24 AM
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One of the members here does mediation for a living, or used to. I've passed on some of her thoughts to my daughter, about not saying anything that opens the door to negotiation.

If you're strong enough to say no and keep saying it, then by all means do that. Like it's been said here before, no is a complete sentence. If you don't feel strong enough to wait for the next question from your sister, then use your own words now, "I can't own consequences for your actions that I had no part in." Let her know you love her and you love yourself too, won't participate in the insanity any more.

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:42 AM
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I was given some suggestions by an alanon member to "be a broken record" . Know what you are going to say, stick to it, repeat it if neccissary, but don't get sucked in.. it does no good. Good luck.. it's hard, but your life will open up when you stop fixing her problems, it's amazing the free time I have now!
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:46 AM
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I pretty much cut my sister out of my life except for the occasional texting or once in a great while phone call. I've read elsewhere how you're supposed to do this, or do that... in the end, I think you really have to follow your heart. Everything others say about it are mostly just guidelines. I don't think there's a sure-fire "fix" for every single situation out there.

Know that, at least, I understand and sympathize with you. A bit of advice that was given to me, that may help you is to remember that during recovery (even with relapsing) they have to be selfish and focus on themselves and to get better. You would not be faulted for acting the same way. That is, take care of *yourself* and do what *you* need to do. If that means backing away, or ending it, because your heart, mind and body are telling you to, then that may be what you want and need.

Also, you're not a fool. To me it sounds like you're a kind hearted and generous person. You may not give her physical or materialistic things but you've given her time and energy. These are gifts too, sometimes the most precious.

Close the door if you have to, but don't give up on yourself. The rest of us need more people like you in the world.
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Old 05-19-2010, 04:36 PM
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Thank you all for the replies. I decided to send her email. I wasn't too specific, I just wanted her to get the idea without too much detail that staying with us in the future isn't an option as I previously presented it. I didn't want her to interpret it as being mean and me just punishing her for help she hasn't yet asked for.

She replied asking if she could come by my house today. I told her nicely that I wouldn't be here.

I'm confused. Part of the reason I have made this choice is because I've really given up hope about her. I see things now in a way that make me think she'd even steal from me. And now I've confirmed for myself that she's using meth again, she's married to a drug dealer regardless of her independent involvement, and I have a 4-year-old child here who loves her aunt and is used to seeing her several times a week and will certainly not understand my position.

I don't think I can be a half-way friend right now though. I can't at this point imagine myself being able to hang around with her and also saying no about borrowing money, or a ride home or here or there. Anyway she comes over and is in the habit of eating all my food. Maybe I'm being a little stubborn or over-emotional about this right now. But there's no question anymore that she's probably not a good influence on myself and my family. For a long time now I've been hypocritical -- I let my sister come over but never leave her in my house alone even if inconvenient. I have been giving as much as I felt comfortable and tried to be there for her. So, I wonder if I am really making a choice to not only not help her anymore, but not even be her friend. There's a lot to think about.

I'd love any tips on how to handle this with small children. Do I simplify but tell the truth - your auntie is being bad right now? That doesn't sound right. But a non-truth might make her feel abandoned or make me seem very mean.
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Old 05-19-2010, 06:17 PM
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At the top of this page are stickies..here is one posted that
may help from the one titled Powerful Reading..


What to Tell Children

(What to Tell Children About a Parent's Addiction)

From my experience with children the best way is to keep it
simple. They at a tender age are not analyzing it the same as
we do, they understand honesty and move on very quickly
when they feel that you have acknowledged their question.
Little ones need to feel that they are heard and as to being
mean..well we are the role model and set the example..if it
comes out as mean to them..well so be it..we can never
be their friend and parent at the same time.

lauren
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