Daily Detachers Thread....
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Well, today was a much better day than yesterday...I felt more centered than I have in awhile. I went to my co-dependent meeting at the church...which I haven't in awhile, so that was good for me!
I'm getting to the point in my process where I recognize I have maybe seven days left before my daughters and I leave this house to move in with my parents. I've sorta been living for that day...somehow thinking it wouldn't be too difficult...Talk about denial... Now that it's closing in I am realizing just how emotional it will probably be for me...and I'm working on ways to ensure I don't spend the entire trip crying...because I WILL NOT do that to my daughters. Steven and I have discussed not making a big spectacle of the departure. I am not going to tell him what day I leave...I'll just call him around 5:30 the day of and let him know that the girls and I are at my parents... It will be after work and he can go through his emotions as he needs to...and my daughters will have both sets of grandparents to keep them busy so I can heal the way I need to. I know it's for the best...I just have to get through it...one day at a time...
I'm getting to the point in my process where I recognize I have maybe seven days left before my daughters and I leave this house to move in with my parents. I've sorta been living for that day...somehow thinking it wouldn't be too difficult...Talk about denial... Now that it's closing in I am realizing just how emotional it will probably be for me...and I'm working on ways to ensure I don't spend the entire trip crying...because I WILL NOT do that to my daughters. Steven and I have discussed not making a big spectacle of the departure. I am not going to tell him what day I leave...I'll just call him around 5:30 the day of and let him know that the girls and I are at my parents... It will be after work and he can go through his emotions as he needs to...and my daughters will have both sets of grandparents to keep them busy so I can heal the way I need to. I know it's for the best...I just have to get through it...one day at a time...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 15
Good luck ThatLittleGirl!! You and your girls will be in thoughts and prayers!! It will be hard but sounds like you have good support network.
Stay strong and follow your heart! How could that be wrong?? One day at time is all I can do right now myself. Wish you the best.
Thanks for the thread coffeedrinker!! This really hit home for me today.
Stay strong and follow your heart! How could that be wrong?? One day at time is all I can do right now myself. Wish you the best.
Thanks for the thread coffeedrinker!! This really hit home for me today.
G'night all.... Sleep well.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie 
Have the existing threads merged into one mega thread
I'd thought of that...kinda like the hen house thread on SA? Ann? Wanna help us out with that? If not I can do it with one single thread tomorrow.
I'd thought of that...kinda like the hen house thread on SA? Ann? Wanna help us out with that? If not I can do it with one single thread tomorrow.
By the way, I started to send her a PM, then said wait a minute! That's something you can and should do for yourself. Oh the irony!
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Will start a different one tomorrow Chino. Came on weak, then strong, now weak! I'm totally beat today. Bb, trying to deal with rumors, back to the house and trying to get it situated! Kids in bed, trying to get my summer $hit drug down!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 20
Today has been a little emotional for me. I think I am just exhausted. Tired of doing it all. But I know I can't give up even though some days I want to. I am too tired to even sleep right now. I just had a talk with God and a good cry. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I think it's all too easy to get caught up in chatting back and forth. we could have a thread that's just about how you are, what's your day like , what are you struggling with right now, chit chat, etc. or we could have the thread try to keep focusing on detaching, as was the original intent.
callie, you're kinda in charge of this....what do ya think? and i like the idea of an ongoing thread as well, esp. if you ever wanted to look something up; it'd be easier to find. but then does each day get a new start like i think i've seen with henhouse? i guess i'm not sure what i'm even talking about.
callie, you're kinda in charge of this....what do ya think? and i like the idea of an ongoing thread as well, esp. if you ever wanted to look something up; it'd be easier to find. but then does each day get a new start like i think i've seen with henhouse? i guess i'm not sure what i'm even talking about.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Daily Detachers - Thursday
Hi all -- didn't see that anyone had started the thread today and I had something to share... not meaning to step on toes!
This is related to the joys of aging, but has a relevant message for all of us trying to focus on ourselves today. Enjoy!
This is related to the joys of aging, but has a relevant message for all of us trying to focus on ourselves today. Enjoy!
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great reading TJP! Thank you!
Coffee mentioned in another thread about having an ongoing thread about not just detachment, but just about what's going on? What do you guys think? I guess I started detachment, and the threads have been about detachment, but also just about codie ways, daily goals etc. Maybe change the title? What do you guys think? Do you guys want to merge everything into one thread like the hen house talk on SA? I think it would be easier in case we needed to look something up.
Today is starting out very slow for me. But it's going to be a nice day here, sun shining. My plans are to get finished up with spring cleaning, drag my summer clothes down from the loft, get bills paid, laundry caught up. Hope to have this done by the time the kids get off the bus then going to spend it in the yard. It's been a monsoon up here and this is the first nice day in about a week! Gotta mow and clean up.
No baseball and nothing going on tonight for once!
Going to have supper with the kids and get them to bed early to read. They just got cool new kids bibles and they LOVE them.
Coffee mentioned in another thread about having an ongoing thread about not just detachment, but just about what's going on? What do you guys think? I guess I started detachment, and the threads have been about detachment, but also just about codie ways, daily goals etc. Maybe change the title? What do you guys think? Do you guys want to merge everything into one thread like the hen house talk on SA? I think it would be easier in case we needed to look something up.
Today is starting out very slow for me. But it's going to be a nice day here, sun shining. My plans are to get finished up with spring cleaning, drag my summer clothes down from the loft, get bills paid, laundry caught up. Hope to have this done by the time the kids get off the bus then going to spend it in the yard. It's been a monsoon up here and this is the first nice day in about a week! Gotta mow and clean up.
No baseball and nothing going on tonight for once!
Going to have supper with the kids and get them to bed early to read. They just got cool new kids bibles and they LOVE them.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
PS - Looking for advice. My XAH will be out of jail in a month or so. He's suppose to enter treatment @ a Salvation Army type program (church based, work etc). Then he's going to go to his dad's 9 states away. I'll be honest here. I am helping to get him into treatment and even will pay for a plane ticket to get him down there. The reason is 2 fold. Firstly he needs it, secondly he'll go. Another reason is that IF he relapses @ least he'll not be @ my doorstep. If he relapses up here he will not leave me alone. He'll show up, call, drive by etc. I know I now have every right to call the sheriff. Frankly I don't want the drama and I don't want the kids to have to see that. It was nothing before for him to be out here or just show up. IF he relapses he'll have a very hard time making it back up here. He has no car, no license etc.
I'm thinking I should change my screen name. Prior to all of this crap when he was living with his mom a year ago he'd read everything I posted here on SR. At the time I didn't mind it too much because we were married. Now we're not. Anyone know how to change a screen name?
I'm thinking I should change my screen name. Prior to all of this crap when he was living with his mom a year ago he'd read everything I posted here on SR. At the time I didn't mind it too much because we were married. Now we're not. Anyone know how to change a screen name?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Coffee mentioned in another thread about having an ongoing thread about not just detachment, but just about what's going on? What do you guys think? I guess I started detachment, and the threads have been about detachment, but also just about codie ways, daily goals etc. Maybe change the title?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
callie,
don't know how to change your screen name.
thanks, tjp for the new thread. let's just keep going with this one and add to it from here on out?
i don't know if i prefer two threads - one specifically about detaching, and another about daily this and that. it might be nice to keep the focus. but....it doesn't really matter to me. anyone else??
and callie, i support you in your decision to be as involved as you are. of course you want him to get healthy and become the man he is supposed to be, the father to your children once again. and with him being far away - that sounds good, very good.
today i watered my flowers, took care of some business with my kids' financial aid applications and am getting my daughter's senior pictures taken this afternoon. (i know, late, but i was in such a funk for so long!). i've practiced piano which is always GOOD for me and gets my head out of my "junk". now i am going to go work out - i actually can't wait to get there and have put in another day at it. my xabf manipulated me yesterday into giving him a ride somewhere and i was SO angry that i fell for it. as i was dropping him off, he said thank you and i said nothing. he said "don't be mad" and i said "I am so mad. i don't know if i'm more mad at you, or at myself". later he texted me how much he appreciated my help, acknowledged that i went out of my way to do so and said thank you again. i have not replied and felt bad about it all evening (it's so not me) but today feel good about it. he is learning. i am learning.
don't know how to change your screen name.
thanks, tjp for the new thread. let's just keep going with this one and add to it from here on out?
i don't know if i prefer two threads - one specifically about detaching, and another about daily this and that. it might be nice to keep the focus. but....it doesn't really matter to me. anyone else??
and callie, i support you in your decision to be as involved as you are. of course you want him to get healthy and become the man he is supposed to be, the father to your children once again. and with him being far away - that sounds good, very good.
today i watered my flowers, took care of some business with my kids' financial aid applications and am getting my daughter's senior pictures taken this afternoon. (i know, late, but i was in such a funk for so long!). i've practiced piano which is always GOOD for me and gets my head out of my "junk". now i am going to go work out - i actually can't wait to get there and have put in another day at it. my xabf manipulated me yesterday into giving him a ride somewhere and i was SO angry that i fell for it. as i was dropping him off, he said thank you and i said nothing. he said "don't be mad" and i said "I am so mad. i don't know if i'm more mad at you, or at myself". later he texted me how much he appreciated my help, acknowledged that i went out of my way to do so and said thank you again. i have not replied and felt bad about it all evening (it's so not me) but today feel good about it. he is learning. i am learning.
the journey continues
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Atlantic Canada
Posts: 34
My $0.02: A thread about detaching is bound to include "codie ways, daily goals etc." because it's all connected. I thought the original idea was not just general detaching but things we are doing to improve our lives/move on, etc.
That said, I'm all for whichever way gets chosen but I DO think it should be one continuing daily thread that we only close when it gets too long (6 pages, 500 posts . . . )
Callie, I second this: " i support you in your decision to be as involved as you are. of course you want him to get healthy and become the man he is supposed to be, the father to your children once again. and with him being far away - that sounds good, very good." Things are much better with them FAR away unless you have a lot of evidence that they are stable; if that is what it takes, it's what it takes.
That said, I'm all for whichever way gets chosen but I DO think it should be one continuing daily thread that we only close when it gets too long (6 pages, 500 posts . . . )
Callie, I second this: " i support you in your decision to be as involved as you are. of course you want him to get healthy and become the man he is supposed to be, the father to your children once again. and with him being far away - that sounds good, very good." Things are much better with them FAR away unless you have a lot of evidence that they are stable; if that is what it takes, it's what it takes.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with this just to keep it in 1 thread and keep the focus on detaching, daily goals, codie ways etc. I'll PM Ann. You guys may see me under a different name. I have no clue what to be? Callie was my dog that passed away a few years ago. Hmmm...
Thanks for the support with XAH. I cannot think that I would ever fully not have him in my life in some way. We do have kids together. Drugs turned him into a monster. I'm not even sure how I feel about him right now. We've talked, had good conversations etc. I do still have hope that he can get the right treatment and be the person that I believed he could be. The difference though now, is that I don't need to be a bystander. I've cut myself from him 100% financially, we're divorced etc.
I will feel much better when he's out of the state. He was a crazy person when he was on drugs and I don't want that in my back yard anymore. We live in a small town and things are JUST now starting to die down with the talk. Plus I don't want anymore shame, humiliation and embarassment for the kids, myself or my family.
I realize that some here say NC completely. I have scaled it down 90% of what it use to be. I guess we all walk different roads to recovery.
Thanks for the support with XAH. I cannot think that I would ever fully not have him in my life in some way. We do have kids together. Drugs turned him into a monster. I'm not even sure how I feel about him right now. We've talked, had good conversations etc. I do still have hope that he can get the right treatment and be the person that I believed he could be. The difference though now, is that I don't need to be a bystander. I've cut myself from him 100% financially, we're divorced etc.
I will feel much better when he's out of the state. He was a crazy person when he was on drugs and I don't want that in my back yard anymore. We live in a small town and things are JUST now starting to die down with the talk. Plus I don't want anymore shame, humiliation and embarassment for the kids, myself or my family.
I realize that some here say NC completely. I have scaled it down 90% of what it use to be. I guess we all walk different roads to recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I get it!
ok, full of stuff now; please bear with me
went to the fitness place i just joined. brought my ipod - i don't know about most people, but i relate to and with the universe very much through music. music is art; therefore it is expressive. and art is anything the viewer/participant wishes it to be; therefore it can be unique to each person.
as soon as i started out on the stairmaster, this boppy ashlee simpson tune started. it was boppy - i just went with it. now, this was obviously written as a love song, but instead of (like usual) feeling blue about not having my abf, i heard the words with a NEW meaning:
I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself
it became about not someone else knowing me and caring, but about ME knowing and caring for myself!
very next song, jackson browne's "somebody's baby". now normally i would have gotten all sad and thought of last summer when HE and i went to see j. browne on a beautiful day in an outdoor setting. but today? NO!
that song became a tribute to myself, too:
Well, just - a look at that girl with the lights comin' up in her eyes.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She's so fine.
She's probably somebody's only light.
Gonna shine tonight.
Yeah, she's probably somebody's baby, all right. [/COLOR]
again, not SOMEONE ELSE'S baby - there's a girl who holds her head up high, who is confident, who shines from the inside out -- that girl is ME.
every song's meaning changed during that 30 minutes. when i was in cool-down, martina mcbride's "anyway" played. this is the song i sang in church after recovering from cancer/surgery/chemo, standing proud with hair so short you couldn't grab hold of it:
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway[/COLOR]
YouTube - Martina McBride - Anyway (LIVE 2006)
(powerful song; so i pasted a link)
so there i am, with my eyes closed, sweating and heavy breathing, and crying on the stairmaster.
it felt like an epiphany.
it felt like freedom.
it was great.
i really get it.
and that's at the core of detaching
and now my daughter alex is up in her room cleaning it out, listening to "sweet caroline". aahhh, cool
went to the fitness place i just joined. brought my ipod - i don't know about most people, but i relate to and with the universe very much through music. music is art; therefore it is expressive. and art is anything the viewer/participant wishes it to be; therefore it can be unique to each person.
as soon as i started out on the stairmaster, this boppy ashlee simpson tune started. it was boppy - i just went with it. now, this was obviously written as a love song, but instead of (like usual) feeling blue about not having my abf, i heard the words with a NEW meaning:
I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself
it became about not someone else knowing me and caring, but about ME knowing and caring for myself!
very next song, jackson browne's "somebody's baby". now normally i would have gotten all sad and thought of last summer when HE and i went to see j. browne on a beautiful day in an outdoor setting. but today? NO!
that song became a tribute to myself, too:
Well, just - a look at that girl with the lights comin' up in her eyes.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She's so fine.
She's probably somebody's only light.
Gonna shine tonight.
Yeah, she's probably somebody's baby, all right. [/COLOR]
again, not SOMEONE ELSE'S baby - there's a girl who holds her head up high, who is confident, who shines from the inside out -- that girl is ME.
every song's meaning changed during that 30 minutes. when i was in cool-down, martina mcbride's "anyway" played. this is the song i sang in church after recovering from cancer/surgery/chemo, standing proud with hair so short you couldn't grab hold of it:
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway[/COLOR]
YouTube - Martina McBride - Anyway (LIVE 2006)
(powerful song; so i pasted a link)
so there i am, with my eyes closed, sweating and heavy breathing, and crying on the stairmaster.
it felt like an epiphany.
it felt like freedom.
it was great.
i really get it.
and that's at the core of detaching
and now my daughter alex is up in her room cleaning it out, listening to "sweet caroline". aahhh, cool
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Callie, yes we do walk different roads to recovery because we're all different people. What works for one may not work for another.
So..... I've been planning a 50th b-day party for my husband. It was supposed to be a surprise but one of my friends let the cat out of the bag. He spazzed out because he's a micromanaging control freak, and it's now been moved back 'home' to better accommodate his family. Turns out almost his entire family are micromanaging control freaks, too. I see this stuff now because I've worked really hard at ceasing my own control freak behavior
Anyway, when family members have spent WAY too much time yakking in my ear about where everyone else should stay, eat, poop, whatever, I calmly interrupt with "everyone's an adult and able to make their own arrangements." It's taken two solid weeks of repeating myself with all of them, but it's worth it.
The old me would have been right there spazzing out with everyone, too, making everything harder than it has to be.
coffee, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change
So..... I've been planning a 50th b-day party for my husband. It was supposed to be a surprise but one of my friends let the cat out of the bag. He spazzed out because he's a micromanaging control freak, and it's now been moved back 'home' to better accommodate his family. Turns out almost his entire family are micromanaging control freaks, too. I see this stuff now because I've worked really hard at ceasing my own control freak behavior
Anyway, when family members have spent WAY too much time yakking in my ear about where everyone else should stay, eat, poop, whatever, I calmly interrupt with "everyone's an adult and able to make their own arrangements." It's taken two solid weeks of repeating myself with all of them, but it's worth it.
The old me would have been right there spazzing out with everyone, too, making everything harder than it has to be.
coffee, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change
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