sofacat

Callie- "...I'm worried that I won't do it or I'll fall by the wayside again and back into my slump..."

We're gonna slump sometimes....until we are sick and tired of it!!!!!! I really recommend you read the book I am reading "Eat Pray Love" ...I swear you'll hear yourself in some of it! ....or you can wait for the movie...comes out in August I think.

Candles STILL lit....still reading and laughing...crickets sounding...nice night.

coffeedrinker

callie -- thanks for starting this. i wasn't sure which of us was gonna.

today wasn't such a great "detaching" day for me. xabf had said he wanted to come over and tackle the room in the basement that he had his stuff in. he knows i want him to go through things, throw, save, and get it out of here. i texted him today to ask about coming over tomorrow and NOTHING. no reply.

the not-so-good part was that it has been following me around all day in my head.

the other not-so-good part was that i did send another text (after about 8 hours) saying "would you kindly reply to me about tomorrow?" i know that he didn't even see it - he has been isolating quite a lot and has just seemingly checked out of life.

the good part was that i then quit. no harrassing, no trying to force a response, no manipulative or threatening or whiney messages.

i took a walk on a beautiful spring day around a lake in my city. then i went to my al-anon meeting. and felt almost good when i left.

Callie

OK, so yesterday didn't go anywhere near as planned! I had to change my insinkerator (garbage disposal) I got it changed and it was working *yea me!*. As I was under the sink I noticed a leak. I had a little bit of h20 laying in the basement and thought it was from an outside spigot. Turns out it's the hot h20 line to my dishwasher. I think, ok, I'll just tighten it as it was a small leak. It made it worse and by the time I was done it was a monsoon. I was soaking wet, and had to turn off the h20 to the house!

I end up getting the kids off the bus, run to town for parts. I thought an o ring would fix it. Didn't happen. I do know what parts I need to get today though to fix it.

I did get some of the floors mopped, will do the rest today. Overall, I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, but you know what? I'm so proud of myself for being a plumber! (minus the plumbers butt) I've never done anything related to plumbing. XAH has always done that. I could have called my dad, but I tackled it myself! Makes me feel good and it shows my kids that we are resourceful.

As I said in yesterdays thread Just wanted to put out there that I'm excited about the exercise program and de-isolating myself again, but nervous. I'm worried that I won't do it or I'll fall by the wayside again and back into my slump... The treadmill didn't happen yesterday. Actually NOTHING went as planned due to plumbing issues, but I'll roll with the punches. I'm good at that after living with an addict for so long, right?

Ok Blackkat - did you get your shoes

Wishiknew - how's the refinancing going? Are you doing the Obama plan or a traditional refi?

Backtome - I totally know what you mean about dating. I so look forward to a healthy relationship, but I am so not ready for the process. I just want to get my head/life together first.

alanonicnov2008 - How do you feel now that you're working on healthy related things being your focus instead of being a workaholic? You said you love music. I am an abstract artist on the side. I've sold works nationally and internationally. I have items in galleries. My studio is in my basement. I haven't painted for about a year. I love to do it, but with the way my head has been I don't think I would pick up any other color than black or red! I look forward to quieting my mind so that I can be creative again.

ThatLittleGirl - The divorce process is nerve wracking. Especially the wait. I know what you mean about being able to detach with him there. If XAH hadn't ended up in jail, I would REALLY be struggling. It's so much better because it's forced almost...

Chino - I love cranking the stereo and just going. That's the only way I clean! Hey, you should try sofacat's rec for fabuloso. It smells great!

tjp613 - The quacking is so believable until you finally reach a point that you see it for what it is isn't it? I believed it for YEARS. I'm still trying to keep it into perspective even now when he's got 60 some days clean.

sofacat - totally going to look up that book. It was on Oprah wasn't it recently? I know what you mean about Mr. Sofa. I really can't ever imagine NOT talking to XAH in some way, shape or form. I'm 39 and we'd have been married 15 years in July and together for 23 years. I do still care about him and want the best for him. I just don't want to be a part in it anymore. I'm done with the gamble. I get that. I know some here think 100% no contact. For me personally, I don't think that will ever happen. It's been reduced by 90% NC from what it was though. Good luck on the building. Change is SO hard for me. I want to be SURE of a decision I'm making. We can never be sure though, can we?

BeautifulDisatr - Sounds like you're a busy mom too! I know how hard it is with all of the running around, work, errands, practices etc. Take the time to cram that workout in if you can. It's a GREAT stress reliever. You sound like you're going in a 100 different directions. It's tough, but you're doing it!

Kelrunran - Great idea on running @ lunch and I'm so glad you and your AH can have fun again. Addiction sucks the fun out of everything. I know for myself it's like I've just been going through the motions. I want to get to a place to actually LIVE in the moment instead of just going through the emotions. KWIM?

coffeedrinker - I so have done that a million times. Power calling, texting, just wanting to know. It's nerve wracking and I hated it. The best gift I ever gave myself through all of this was to just stop. The waiting, worrying was debilatating. Do you think you'll be able to detach more once he has his stuff out? Yesterday is done, make today better ok?

Cynical - don't think my XAH hasn't learned the dying art of writing. I just received about 20 pages today! I'm not going to lie, I did read them. It's hard because he's writing them with a clean mind. BUT I'm able to not be sucked in like before. Before letters like this would totally melt me. They were mostly just talking about his day, wondering what's going on, how the kids are. Of course I'm so beautiful, so perfect, why didn't he see that before, why didn't he appreciate what he had etc. I can't say they don't get to me, but nowhere near what they did before. Babysteps, right?

Freedom - You're shining in your recovery, which is where I so want to be!

HK - Thanks for stopping by chicka!

OK SR - what are YOU doing for YOURSELF today to make YOUR life better and YOU a better person?

Chino

Callie, you're cracking me up! I've been doing home repairs too, clueless with some of them but learning fast. Today I've replaced over 50% of our doorknobs and thankfully that's an easy task. By the way, I bought fabuloso yesterday and it smells incredible!

I'm giving myself 30 more minutes to read the forums, web surf, then it's out the door for business stuff and paint for my home office. The color I chose is called Nurture

keepinon

Just for today I will watch my mouth and think before I speak.. so bossy am I !

Callie

Chino - It feels kind of liberating doing guy things doesn't it? I had to replace deadbolts and doorknobs myself recently and it's harder than it looks!

You mention giving yourself 30 more minutes on the web. Does anyone else find that you can just spend mindless hours on the web because you're too unmotivated and depressed to do anything else? I know I spend alot of time online. Everything from shopping, to SR, to fashion, motivational places to recipezaar.

Seems like alot of us are clean freaks (due to control issues). Just wondering what other traits we have in common.

Chino

Callie, I used to help my dad repair the family car when I was younger because his knees were bad. Later I repaired my own because I was broke. I needed it bad enough that I found a way. I used to hang out at a garage and pester the crap out of the mechanics when my dad didn't have the answer. The mechanics let me have the junk they were discarding and I needed. I was a junkyard dog

I NEVER used to rely on a man, I always took pride in doing stuff myself. I didn't wait on my husband to get home and mow the yard, I did it. I'd rather weed whack than dust and vacuum! Well, I let that slip in the last ten years, and how coincidental that's when my codie ways really ramped up.

By the way, I'm a webmaster and network admin. I spend time on a couple of forums, too. I generally treat the internet like a library and I'm a major web/computer geek with a slight case of ADD so it all works for me LOL!

OK, times up, gotta go!

wishiknew

Callie, The refinance is going good so far. I spent an entire day last week getting paperwork together. Appraisal has been ordered and I'm basically just waiting on that now. Hopefully it will appraise enough. You just never know in this market. I am just getting a traditional refi.

Today I have been cleaning and doing laundry all day. By the way..... where do you get that Fabuloso stuff I've been reading about. I work 12 hrs rest of the week and then cruising Sun.

Chino I totally get what you're saying. I would much rather be outside than inside. My AH didn't like to be hot and he would sweat a lot so I did a lot of the yard mowing and weed eatin. Things is..... I didn't mind. I'd rather work outside than in.

coffeedrinker

yep.
weeks - no, months - have gone down the drain in just this fashion.

callie,
did you hear the "I am woman hear me roar" song playing in the background during your plumbing triumphs?! isn't it cool?


today:

got up, spent a little time on s/r during coffee time, then went to the fitness place, and did the stair stepper for 30 minutes!
i told the very nice & spunky owner that my upper thighs STILL hurt from saturday - she said "isn't it exciting?" i said yeah.
then on the way home, i put in my "inspiration" cd and listened to this:


There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are

There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

sappy, but true.

coffeedrinker

oh, and also ((callie)) for the encouragement

Callie

wishiknew - I so need to take a day to get paperwork together for my refi. I am worried as you are about it appraising out where it should. XAH and I added on to our house 6 years ago and I would guess it would probably appraise @ 75k less. YIKES! I got my fabuloso @ dollar general. I was thinking Lowes carried it too though??

Hey sofa, I got the book eat, love pray at the library. I'll probably start it tomorrow. Kids have 4-h tonight.

Had a little tiff with MIL today. I don't talk to her but maybe 1x a week. She and I have have had an argument brewing for a while now. Today, I just bit my tongue. I wasn't in the mood to get into it. Boundaries Callie, Boundaries!

Coffee, good for you on the stairmaster! I flipping HATE the stairmaster! It sure does help the butt though! Hey if you're going to continue working out and continue to be sore, check out glutamine. It's a supplement that helps with muscle repair. It helped me ALOT when I did Body For Life.

Weird that we both can 'waste so much time' on the internet because we're too depressed. Are you a clean freak too? As in my house has to be tidy, organized and clean? I mean my house can be CLEAN, but it's as if a fingerprint on the window will bother me until it's gone. It's as if I look for things and I'm never done. Anyone else do this? I can't rest or relax until it's done. I'm working on that though I definately know it's because I can control a clean house. An addict, I couldn't. Part of it though is that their are these major tasks that have needed done/tended too for a while and I'm trying to tackle them by myself. Cleaning out garage, major yard renovation, cleaning out a basement etc. On TOP of every day things. I'm trying to plow through them inch by inch.

Just got back from Lowes for my plumbing supplies. Wish me luck guys, I'm goin' in! Hopefully I'm not soaked again today!

Callie

Anvil - I'm talking about possibly falling under Obama's home relief program. I do qualify, I have to go through HUD apparantly and they will work directly with my bank to get it done. I'd spoken with a financial analyst and that's what they'd suggested. I have to have a mountain of paperwork done though. It's not govt assisted, but apparantly the govt is 'working' with banks by giving them incentives. I was suppose to go to orientation class yesterday, but didn't have all of the necessary paperwork completed.

Too funny, I have the same bunny dust mit! I fully understand what you say about letting some of that go. I have come a long way, but I am not yet @ my 'cleaning comfort level', due to all of the additional tasks I've trying to tackle. One thing that I know is that I'm going to have a huge a$$ garage sale this year! I'm trying to minimize stuff in this house. XAH was practically a hoarder and it drove me insane! It's my house now!! Trying to fung shuay it up my way!

ThatLittleGirl

For myself today...I'm about to lay down and take a short nap to get rid of this headache...

coffeedrinker

i used to be kind of a clean freak - i had my "areas" - like the kitchen and living room had to be clutter-free at all times. xah would regularly get chewed out if i walked into a messy house after being at work. i couldn't wait to get the carpet out and put in a wood floor in living, ceramic in kitchen. then i turned into a vacumming freak (can't stand trying to use a broom it just pushes dust around).

but since anxiety and depression set in with divorce and then xabf, i have let almost everything go - to my dismay. i used to take joy in doing yard work and now i can't even mow the lawn because i hate the idea that a neighbor will see me out there - i feel so pathetic because i have let things go for three years.

more productivity today - got a lot of stuff hauled out of basement and brought to the waste site - continued to make me feel good about myself, focus less on xabf and just good physically. there really is a connection!

sofacat

Callie-" Hey sofa, I got the book eat, love pray at the library"

YAY!!!!!!!! It's so good!!!!

Krys

I was doing really well with this detachment thing this weekend (for a first timer anyway!) and then Monday came and I got sucked back into it. My ABF sleepwalks when he is under stress (or altered in some way...booze/drugs) and for the first time in months it happened again. So there I was in bed (being picked up mattress and all by a sleeping man) panicking. I got out of bed (he was in it snoring by then) and spent ten minutes trying to talk myself off the ledge. It did not work and I found myself going through his cell at 3:00 AM. Didn't find much, and I don't think he is using, but that is not the point. The point is I did not stop myself, and I have felt ****** since. Anyhoo, it's tough, a lot tougher than I thought it would be, and I appreciate all of these posts. It makes me feel a little less nuts to know I am not the only one with a mind that spins out of control and manipulates even itself! Tonight I will read some more of Codependent No More (I got it last week and took a break from it...heavy stuff) and tomorrow I will go to my therapy appointment, try to push myself to get my oil changed and watch a horror movie. I love horror movies, even started a group with some other movie lovers, but have neglected it to babysit my ABF...not ok. Plus nothing in life seems quite as bad after a horror movie. lol.

sofacat

and Coffee... "i can't even mow the lawn because i hate the idea that a neighbor will see me out there "

What does your neighbor care that they see you out there? Just as long as your yard is nicely mowed and kept is good enough for them!!

I try to remind myself of this when I get a little "people paranoia"
"What other people think of me, is none of my business."

Baby steps.

ThatLittleGirl

i used to be kind of a clean freak - I was too...I used to be known for that in my family...aunts, uncles, cousins...they all knew my house was a "show room" all the time...

but since anxiety and depression set in with divorce and then xabf, i have let almost everything go - I have let everything go too...to the point I can tell my AH is miffed when he comes home and sees the condition of the house. I NEVER used to be that way... I'm not motivated to do a darn thing.... Even with putting it on the market...I'm having people come in and do small projects...but I'm personally not doing as much as I could...

I'd say I'm mostly working on trying to get my "energy" back... I feel sooooo blah all the time...it's depressing. I don't want to take the girls anywhere, I don't want to go anywhere by myself. My best friend was supposed to have her baby yesterday, and I haven't even called to check on her. For that matter, I haven't even bought her a gift for the baby...it's embarrassing. I don't know what to blame it on... I am hoping that when I move to my mom's things will change...but now I'm rethinking that.... In reading all the wonderful posts on SR (have I said how much I LOVE this board????) I'm starting to realize that if I don't work on me, all the change of scenery will do is relocate the anxiety and depression. So tomorrow, I will be looking for Al-Anon meetings in my soon-to-be new town...I will need something...soon. Because if when I leave AH crashes, I will be needing all the support I can possibly get... I've gotta feeling this ride's far from over!!!

On a positive note, I took a nap and got rid of most of my headache today... I did get on my elliptical yesterday and I will again tonight (yay, me!!!!), and I am back to my nightly prayers...which help me immensely!!!!

So thanks again Callie for this awesome idea... It reminds me daily...DAILY to do what I need to do for me...and that's priceless...!!!!

Callie

but since anxiety and depression set in with divorce and then xabf, i have let almost everything go - to my dismay. i used to take joy in doing yard work and now i can't even mow the lawn because i hate the idea that a neighbor will see me out there - i feel so pathetic because i have let things go for three years.


That is SO totally me! I've let EVERYTHING go. It's not that my house is a disaster, but it's that things have piled up and that on top of normal everyday chores, activities it's too much! I've decided to tackle it one thing @ a time.

I've started a pile in the basement with garage sale stuff. I need to go through my clothes and the kids.

That little girl - I can attest that a change of scenery doesn't do much. It comes from within. That's why I started the daily detaching thread because just as XAH quacked about him getting clean, I've quacked about starting to exercise, eating healthier, doing xyz. Here I've preached to him about walking the walk instead of talking the talk. I've not done it either. Good for you for getting on the eliptical! My thoughts with the exercise program is that it can only IMPROVE things. KWIM?

Coffee - I'm not too proud of my yard right now either. To the passerby's it look's fine, but it's not where I want it to be. I have a 3 acre yard, lots of planting to do, shrubs need trimmed etc. I have about 120 - yes, 120 bags of mulch to spread. I'm trying to get things trimmed up and replanted before I do that though. Luckily I don't mind mowing. I have a ZTR, which I love - crank up the ipod and in about 1.5 hours it's done!

Welp you guys, the freaking plumbing kicked my a$$. Today TOTALLY didn't go as planned. I ended up calling my dad to help me. When I FINALLY got the right part and put it on and moved the dishwasher back in and turned on the h20 it STILL FREAKING LEAKED! So now it wasn't the line after all, it was the compression valve! I was so flipping mad! At least I know. I'll get the part tomorrow. I could have played helpless and called my dad or a plumber, but decided to tackle it myself. I knew I could do it and the raging controlling codie was bound determined that I could do it. Oh well, @ least I know how everything is put together.

On top of that - no treadmill for me today either. My bff is going to kick my butt! The c25k is 3x per week. I've still got 4 days though right? I had every intention, but not enough time the last 2 days.

Callie

Oh Anvil - thank you for that information! I am going through HUD even though my loan is through a traditional bank. I should know more after my orientation. Thanks for the link!