Daily Detachers Thread....
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
SO today I was faced with the issue that last nights meatloaf backed up into my bathtub while I was doing the dishes. Blech*
I knew today Plumbers would be at my house trying to help me restore order to my newly refurbished bathroom, not mention...give me the ability to flush my toilet again.
2 cups of coffee + no toilet =
I am posting this here because I made an observation today that quite a surprising outcome.
You see, usually...when any contractors are in my midst...I generally become suspicious, non-trusting and slightly argumentative. I have been burned by them in the past, and tend to look at them with an air of incompetency.
Not today. Today, I approached them with smiles and "Thank you so much for coming out", and "What should we do?" and "Can I offer you some water?"...etc..etc..etc...
Usually I would have been overseeing the "overseer" with my hands on my hips...pegging him with questions in an attempt to "problem solve".
AKA- micromanaging.
Today, I just let the professionals do their job. I left them alone. And you know what happened? They actually went BEYOND what they were supposed to do, didn't charge me for the extras...and fixed the problem, for now.
I have tree root inside my pipe UNDER MY HOUSE (concrete slab) that will have to be remedied, but for now...I can flush.
I never have been very good at the "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" approach, but today...I think I got it.
Tonight...a LONG hot shower, ice cream and True Blood.
I knew today Plumbers would be at my house trying to help me restore order to my newly refurbished bathroom, not mention...give me the ability to flush my toilet again.
2 cups of coffee + no toilet =
I am posting this here because I made an observation today that quite a surprising outcome.
You see, usually...when any contractors are in my midst...I generally become suspicious, non-trusting and slightly argumentative. I have been burned by them in the past, and tend to look at them with an air of incompetency.
Not today. Today, I approached them with smiles and "Thank you so much for coming out", and "What should we do?" and "Can I offer you some water?"...etc..etc..etc...
Usually I would have been overseeing the "overseer" with my hands on my hips...pegging him with questions in an attempt to "problem solve".
AKA- micromanaging.
Today, I just let the professionals do their job. I left them alone. And you know what happened? They actually went BEYOND what they were supposed to do, didn't charge me for the extras...and fixed the problem, for now.
I have tree root inside my pipe UNDER MY HOUSE (concrete slab) that will have to be remedied, but for now...I can flush.
I never have been very good at the "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" approach, but today...I think I got it.
Tonight...a LONG hot shower, ice cream and True Blood.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Well, I finally finished updating my resume' today and actually applied for a job... Hopefully more jobs that I am interested in and qualified for will come available. I also helped my parents set-up the trampoline for the girls...they absolutely adore having it...and I adore it too...they sure burn a lot of energy on that thing which makes bedtime a breeze! I got professional pics of my house today, so hopefully those will go out on MLS and help with selling the house...I really want to sell it by October...we'll see. So a very productive day...I have to say, when I get lots checked off my list, I always feel so much better about myself!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Heading back onto vacation tomorrow. River rafting and camping for 4 days.
I had a few more stupid text messages from my ex but I just ignored them. Only 6 more days and my number changes. Then this won't be popping up in my face every 3-4 months.
And if my son asks about his father I'm practicing saying "Your daddy has an illness/disease/is sick. And it's safer for us to stay away from him. I can understand if that makes you feel sad because it makes me a feel a little sad sometimes too. But you'll understand better when you are older. I love you. Would you like to go get some ice cream?"
I had a few more stupid text messages from my ex but I just ignored them. Only 6 more days and my number changes. Then this won't be popping up in my face every 3-4 months.
And if my son asks about his father I'm practicing saying "Your daddy has an illness/disease/is sick. And it's safer for us to stay away from him. I can understand if that makes you feel sad because it makes me a feel a little sad sometimes too. But you'll understand better when you are older. I love you. Would you like to go get some ice cream?"
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Saw this quote on FB...liked it and thought I would share...
I believe God wants us to know ... that you do not see things as they are. You see them as you are. When you look, you see reflections of your being. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.
I believe God wants us to know ... that you do not see things as they are. You see them as you are. When you look, you see reflections of your being. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
So I got a call from the teacher's certification program today...I start that program on September 11th...and I'm going to specialize in middle school math and ESL (English as a second language). I am so excited. They have a wonderful program...and I feel like it's a second wind...a second chance at life... When I look back at the last fifteen years of my accounting career...I don't feel any pride really... That's not to say I didn't do it well in accounting...I moved up the career ladder quickly...but I never got a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day...just a nice paycheck...which is what I always used to justify staying in a career field in which I always felt dissatisfied... Now I feel like...a new life as a single mom...and a new career to go with it...It just feels right!!!! And I can't wait to take that next step...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
TLG,
I am so proud of you. You are taking something - a desire for something - and instead of just keeping it in your head, you are making it a reality. Oh man, that is so great.
N.L.I. is away for the weekend. He likes to go to the lake; it's his favorite place on earth. I am glad to spend time with myself, my daughter and a sister this evening. Plus Rollerblading this fine morning will be awesome.
My messed-up thinking got me in a bad place yesterday. While at work, with no calls or texts from N.L.I., I started thinking "maybe everything he has said is a lie. maybe it's just too crazy to think that this person might really be genuine, loving, a good father, a loyal friend to people. Maybe my lot is to continue to trust people that don't deserve it. Why would he really be a decent guy...given my history? In fact, why couldn't he be a psychopath? Yes, that's it - he probably is. I need to pull way back, and wait for the signs to show up. But how long will that take? If he's good at it, as they all are, then I'm cooked. Maybe I need to just remove myself from this guy's life. But why would he pick me? I don't have any money - what else could there be? But he maybe wants a girlfriend, and these kind of people can sense that I'm an easy mark. But he loves gentle music, meaningful lyrics, quiet summer evenings and long talks. If he were psycho, that wouldn't be true. Oh, but that is part of the con. Yep, he's a psycho. I don't know for sure, but I can't take any chances"
When his goodnight text came in, I was back to believing that he is good and kind. I know, I need to stay away until the truth is revealed. But....
and but....
Man, this came out of left field. I think if I talk to therapist, he will laugh at me. Tell me to relax. Remind me that there ARE nice people out there, and that I am one of them and am desirable and worthy. So, that won't do any good.
Wow, I'm really messed up, aren't I?
Well, for this weekend, having fun and doing good things. I guess that's all I can do, right?
I am so proud of you. You are taking something - a desire for something - and instead of just keeping it in your head, you are making it a reality. Oh man, that is so great.
N.L.I. is away for the weekend. He likes to go to the lake; it's his favorite place on earth. I am glad to spend time with myself, my daughter and a sister this evening. Plus Rollerblading this fine morning will be awesome.
My messed-up thinking got me in a bad place yesterday. While at work, with no calls or texts from N.L.I., I started thinking "maybe everything he has said is a lie. maybe it's just too crazy to think that this person might really be genuine, loving, a good father, a loyal friend to people. Maybe my lot is to continue to trust people that don't deserve it. Why would he really be a decent guy...given my history? In fact, why couldn't he be a psychopath? Yes, that's it - he probably is. I need to pull way back, and wait for the signs to show up. But how long will that take? If he's good at it, as they all are, then I'm cooked. Maybe I need to just remove myself from this guy's life. But why would he pick me? I don't have any money - what else could there be? But he maybe wants a girlfriend, and these kind of people can sense that I'm an easy mark. But he loves gentle music, meaningful lyrics, quiet summer evenings and long talks. If he were psycho, that wouldn't be true. Oh, but that is part of the con. Yep, he's a psycho. I don't know for sure, but I can't take any chances"
When his goodnight text came in, I was back to believing that he is good and kind. I know, I need to stay away until the truth is revealed. But....
and but....
Man, this came out of left field. I think if I talk to therapist, he will laugh at me. Tell me to relax. Remind me that there ARE nice people out there, and that I am one of them and am desirable and worthy. So, that won't do any good.
Wow, I'm really messed up, aren't I?
Well, for this weekend, having fun and doing good things. I guess that's all I can do, right?
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Wow, I had to dig deep to find this thread...
Just wanted to put something out there that I've been thinking about in regards to detachment... I always used to think that letting go...detaching...was losing my control...my power over a situation... As I've pondered the concept and read the threads the last few days from those here whom I believe have a good grasp of detaching, I've begun to believe that, in fact, detachment is the opposite... It's actually empowering...it's actually giving power back to yourself...not being a victim to the chaos and addiction...but rather, having an inner strength that allows you to live in peace regardless of what's going on around you... So, in reality when it's truly achieved...in its truest form...detaching is an empowerment of self... To truly control how you live your life...it's a gift you give yourself... With that in mind, I'm more open to the concept...it's not a negative (as I originally perceived it), but an exciting, positive change...and as I think of it from that aspect, I'm not so resistant to the concept...I enjoy the thought that when my exah pulls his shenanigans, I can breathe deeply...give it over to God...and keep living my life. I love the strength of that...the empowerment I feel when I realize his addiction has no more control over me!
Just wanted to put something out there that I've been thinking about in regards to detachment... I always used to think that letting go...detaching...was losing my control...my power over a situation... As I've pondered the concept and read the threads the last few days from those here whom I believe have a good grasp of detaching, I've begun to believe that, in fact, detachment is the opposite... It's actually empowering...it's actually giving power back to yourself...not being a victim to the chaos and addiction...but rather, having an inner strength that allows you to live in peace regardless of what's going on around you... So, in reality when it's truly achieved...in its truest form...detaching is an empowerment of self... To truly control how you live your life...it's a gift you give yourself... With that in mind, I'm more open to the concept...it's not a negative (as I originally perceived it), but an exciting, positive change...and as I think of it from that aspect, I'm not so resistant to the concept...I enjoy the thought that when my exah pulls his shenanigans, I can breathe deeply...give it over to God...and keep living my life. I love the strength of that...the empowerment I feel when I realize his addiction has no more control over me!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
So I went out with some old High School friends of mine last night. It was nice seeing them after all these years, and it was especially nice to get out of the house for a little while.
A few things happened last night that made me realize how far I have progressed in my own codie recovery:
One: One of the couples was telling us that they are buying a house so his dad can live there. Apparently my friend's Father is somewhat of a train wreck and has managed to get himself in a position of having no money and lost his marriage due to his reckless behavior.
Now, I was THINKING ( "Oh man, you are enabling this man and rewarding Him for His own poor choices." ) But my mouth stayed closed and I kept that to myself. Normally I would have given a 30 minute speech on why this in not a good idea...and maybe tried to give a lecture on enabling.
So, Yay for Me.
Two: There was a point in the night where the group became REALLY drunk ( I was drinking iced tea ) .... and they started to get VERY LOUD at the restaurant and began to try to pressure me into drinking.
This was the point where I got my purse, hugged everybody and went home. No hostility, no judgement...I just went home.
The old Me would have gotten defensive and stewed in my own soup of disapproval. The old Me would have stayed and remained irritated...or caved in a started drinking.
I just thought I would share with my "peeps" what I saw in myself last night.
I liked it!
A few things happened last night that made me realize how far I have progressed in my own codie recovery:
One: One of the couples was telling us that they are buying a house so his dad can live there. Apparently my friend's Father is somewhat of a train wreck and has managed to get himself in a position of having no money and lost his marriage due to his reckless behavior.
Now, I was THINKING ( "Oh man, you are enabling this man and rewarding Him for His own poor choices." ) But my mouth stayed closed and I kept that to myself. Normally I would have given a 30 minute speech on why this in not a good idea...and maybe tried to give a lecture on enabling.
So, Yay for Me.
Two: There was a point in the night where the group became REALLY drunk ( I was drinking iced tea ) .... and they started to get VERY LOUD at the restaurant and began to try to pressure me into drinking.
This was the point where I got my purse, hugged everybody and went home. No hostility, no judgement...I just went home.
The old Me would have gotten defensive and stewed in my own soup of disapproval. The old Me would have stayed and remained irritated...or caved in a started drinking.
I just thought I would share with my "peeps" what I saw in myself last night.
I liked it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have been putting a lot more recreation in my life. I spent so long in a funk of isolation and trying to get unstuck, and I would sit at the computer for hours sometimes. Then I felt like I could make connections with other people who were also struggling - many of them in a deeper hole than I was then in, since I had started crawling out.
Thanks for missing me!! I went away for the weekend with N.L.I. He brought me to the lake cabin that was built the year he was born. It is the most special, and his most favorite place on earth. It was an incredible weekend, perfect in (almost) every way, and neither of us wanted to return to the real world.
Today I rollerbladed, talked to my daughter for about five minutes, then went and worked a 10-hour day. More of the same tomorrow, and the next day. Ah, such is life for us working folk.
Thanks for missing me!! I went away for the weekend with N.L.I. He brought me to the lake cabin that was built the year he was born. It is the most special, and his most favorite place on earth. It was an incredible weekend, perfect in (almost) every way, and neither of us wanted to return to the real world.
Today I rollerbladed, talked to my daughter for about five minutes, then went and worked a 10-hour day. More of the same tomorrow, and the next day. Ah, such is life for us working folk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Havin' a hard time detaching tonight SR. I just wanna bang some heads! It's everything that I have right now not to go through the phone and wring some necks. (xah AND mil) It's $/child support fueled.
I could spew venom @ both of them, but instead I'm going to turn the phone off. That's progress, right?
BTW - through my extreme anger, I am GLAD to catch glimpses of this. It's a GREAT reminder of the past. A place that I will never, ever go to again.
I could spew venom @ both of them, but instead I'm going to turn the phone off. That's progress, right?
BTW - through my extreme anger, I am GLAD to catch glimpses of this. It's a GREAT reminder of the past. A place that I will never, ever go to again.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
It only takes one deja vu moment to make us realize why they are our ex, doesn't it? I always think it's strange how quickly and easily my heart goes back to its old habits...wanting to believe that he's not as bad off as he is...Then BAM...he does something that is a trigger in my memory of our life together and I go back to knowing the divorce was the best thing for me and the girls....and there is a reason he is my ex. I always appreciate those moments too...my exah is who he is...and the more I am around him these days...the less I can tolerate him...ironic isn't it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thanks TLG - Yesterday was yet another defining moment for me. I woke up today not mad like I was, but with just a calm realization. What set me off last night was expectations. He had a fair amount of $ come in and I expected it to handle it differently. It was MY expectations that he'd see how full my plate was and how much it takes to raise kids financially. On some level he knows this, but I guess I was feeling disrespected, unappreciated etc. But those feelings happened with me because I expect him to see that. My bad... I see that now, but was seething with what I found out yesterday.
I've not received a dime in child support. Divorce is going on 5 months being final. Yet MIL continues to pump money into his account for haircuts, cigarettes, etc. She put a whopping $50 into HIS child support account so he wouldn't be turned over to 'legal' and have a bench warrant out and go back to jail. I flipping gave 4x that to babysitters in a week to care for OUR kids so "I" can work. I haven't seen a dime of that $ because of supposed fees. Before you all point out that HIS MOM is paying squat to HIS child support. Yep, I know it. I haven't spoken to her in months because she's a sick, sick woman who sets me off every single time I speak with her. I cannot even stand the tone of her voice anymore.
Just another reason to detach from all of this. You are right TLG - there is a reason that I fought so hard for him to be my ex.
I've not received a dime in child support. Divorce is going on 5 months being final. Yet MIL continues to pump money into his account for haircuts, cigarettes, etc. She put a whopping $50 into HIS child support account so he wouldn't be turned over to 'legal' and have a bench warrant out and go back to jail. I flipping gave 4x that to babysitters in a week to care for OUR kids so "I" can work. I haven't seen a dime of that $ because of supposed fees. Before you all point out that HIS MOM is paying squat to HIS child support. Yep, I know it. I haven't spoken to her in months because she's a sick, sick woman who sets me off every single time I speak with her. I cannot even stand the tone of her voice anymore.
Just another reason to detach from all of this. You are right TLG - there is a reason that I fought so hard for him to be my ex.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
I'm recovering from foot surgery...slowly but surely...it was painful...and I thought many times, I would never have subjected myself to this torture if I'd known how painful it would be...and to boot...I am allergic to all pain pills (how ironic that my exah is addicted to them) except Percocet which the doctors refuse to prescribe me... So they sent me home with a script for Darvocet... Well, needless to say, I am allergic to that too...I spent all of Day 2 post-op on the floor puking my guts up...so I went completely off pain pills on Day3...and while I was in a lot of pain, I preferred that to the throwing-up. So I'm finally healing and the pain is lessening, thank goodness...now I'm hopeful the procedure is successful and all this won't have been in vain!
I've been dealing with my exah and my daughters lately...trying to come to terms with some things...I believe my exah loves the girls in his way, but I don't think he loves them like I do. When he comes to town...which has been the last two weekends, he'll spend a little time with them...then he needs a break. I just don't understand how he can not want to spend every minute with them when he's here...but he doesn't. So I am really seeing him in a different light these days...seeing his selfishness, his lack of humility, his inability to take ownership for his culpability in all this mess. He always sounds like poor-me, poor-me...and it's making it almost intolerable for me to be around him...I just want to scream at him to grow up and give him a dose of reality...but it would do no good. And yet, he still believes there's a chance for me and him...it's like he's living in another world...but it isn't Planet Reality... Any advice from other mothers out there...??? How do you deal with the relationship between addict and child? I believe that in spite of the addiction, exah is just deep down a very selfish, self-centered man (I don't know how I missed that all these years)...!!! But I don't want to take my feelings and spread that to my daughters...he is their father...so I don't know...I'm a little at a loss as to how to navigate these waters at the moment... Any advice is much appreciated!
I've been dealing with my exah and my daughters lately...trying to come to terms with some things...I believe my exah loves the girls in his way, but I don't think he loves them like I do. When he comes to town...which has been the last two weekends, he'll spend a little time with them...then he needs a break. I just don't understand how he can not want to spend every minute with them when he's here...but he doesn't. So I am really seeing him in a different light these days...seeing his selfishness, his lack of humility, his inability to take ownership for his culpability in all this mess. He always sounds like poor-me, poor-me...and it's making it almost intolerable for me to be around him...I just want to scream at him to grow up and give him a dose of reality...but it would do no good. And yet, he still believes there's a chance for me and him...it's like he's living in another world...but it isn't Planet Reality... Any advice from other mothers out there...??? How do you deal with the relationship between addict and child? I believe that in spite of the addiction, exah is just deep down a very selfish, self-centered man (I don't know how I missed that all these years)...!!! But I don't want to take my feelings and spread that to my daughters...he is their father...so I don't know...I'm a little at a loss as to how to navigate these waters at the moment... Any advice is much appreciated!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
he still believes there's a chance for me and him...
Same thing here, but it's on HIS terms. Like my prior post, I've seen ALOT in the last few days. Yes, since he's clean/not using, there are many good things that I could live with and wish I would have had, but the addict behavior is still there, which I will never ever again live with.
How do you deal with the relationship between addict and child? I believe that in spite of the addiction, exah is just deep down a very selfish, self-centered man (I don't know how I missed that all these years)...!!! But I don't want to take my feelings and spread that to my daughters...he is their father...so I don't know...I'm a little at a loss as to how to navigate these waters at the moment... Any advice is much appreciated!
Feeling the EXACT same way right now. My kids LOVE their dad dearly. How do you handle this in a healthy way?
He's practically tortured their mom, how do I keep it healthy for the kids. I cannot cut him out completely, they'd be devastated, but what is a healthy balance? TLG, your girls are younger than my kids (they're 9) but what do you do to let them know he's there, but not on a daily basis in a healthy way?
Great questions and I'm looking for the same answers. XAH is a GREAT bff to the kids, but they don't need a bff for a dad. They need a dad.
Same thing here, but it's on HIS terms. Like my prior post, I've seen ALOT in the last few days. Yes, since he's clean/not using, there are many good things that I could live with and wish I would have had, but the addict behavior is still there, which I will never ever again live with.
How do you deal with the relationship between addict and child? I believe that in spite of the addiction, exah is just deep down a very selfish, self-centered man (I don't know how I missed that all these years)...!!! But I don't want to take my feelings and spread that to my daughters...he is their father...so I don't know...I'm a little at a loss as to how to navigate these waters at the moment... Any advice is much appreciated!
Feeling the EXACT same way right now. My kids LOVE their dad dearly. How do you handle this in a healthy way?
He's practically tortured their mom, how do I keep it healthy for the kids. I cannot cut him out completely, they'd be devastated, but what is a healthy balance? TLG, your girls are younger than my kids (they're 9) but what do you do to let them know he's there, but not on a daily basis in a healthy way?
Great questions and I'm looking for the same answers. XAH is a GREAT bff to the kids, but they don't need a bff for a dad. They need a dad.
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