cinderellawkids

It doesnt seem to be talked about much, or maybe I just purposely skipped those threads, but Im going through something I never have before...
In the past 4 months I realized so much, the dysfunction that went on in my home, still goes on with my parents, at different extent...the emotional abuse, manipulation and poor me, from everyone...
it helped to see why I did things or reacted certain ways. However, that was the tip of the iceberg. I didnt realize how messed up I was/am. Its not fun, not comfortable and down right terrifying, but getting through one minute at a time with help from God.
For so long, I avoided and denied what I do, did and how I act. I made excuses for being snippy, over involved in myself and forgetting to ask how someone else was. Saying Good Morning to coworkers, neighbors and even people in my household was a rarity and if someone commented I took the fight or flight mode, after all things were soooo terrible, I had the right.

The more I change, the more I grow and the more I learn who I am the more I hate the other me, that keeps sneaking back up into my routine.

Im sitting here thinking, I cannot even think of the times Ive called someone to see how they were doing....I either didnt call, or called to fill a void in me. Until my father died and I made extra effort to call to check on my step mom, pick up a card and now send sympathy cards to others. I never did. Of course there was the cordial Thank you cards and such, but routine, not genuine and as time went on I felt more and more like I deserved the whatever, and less appreciation for others good.

Im not sure how mixed up in all this was the girl who took in strays(animals and people) and would have given the shirt off my back for someone, except in reality I think I did it for how it made me feel .

The more I realize and see come out in warped ways the more I think I was in so many ways a mirror image of my AH and his issues, aside fromt he substance, but heck maybe even that, I certainly used "my vices" to not feel and I blamed blamed blamed.

My behavior started way before Ah, and first xh, way before relationships, I was that way on different levels as far back as I can remember and the bad behavior just progressed.

I hope not to chicken out and run but to continue my journey and be the person Ive always pretended to be

frankly

You have taken a step that some never are able to take. Looking at ourselves from the outside, takes a lot of strength and courage. We don't always like what we see, but the mere fact that we are willing to see our bad and our good, means that we are growing in a very good way. I believe that you truely are the person you "pretended" to be. All that other stuff, well, I believe that it was created to shield and protect the kind gentle soul inside.

As you continue exploring you, you may find that the best friend you ever had was right there in your own heart. With that self evaluation, you will find peace and comfort with yourself. Wading through all of those defenses brings love......learning to love yourself.

Hugs
B

Chino

That is mature love and there's no greater gift

peaceteach

This is a very powerful post, Cinderellamom! Thank you for sharing. Your healing and self-love is guiding you well and I think it's really cool that you are able to see yourself in different lights. Life is a journey, and today is always a good day to make the changes that are right for you. Others will benefit directly and indirectly from you taking care of yourself, from you loving yourself. Good luck watching your new life unfold! It's a great thing, detachment and self-focus

ThatLittleGirl

Freak....Excellent post...Thank You!!!

FaultyWiring

Great post. Stay strong.

Jenny1232

I loved this post. Those have been my exact thoughts lately. I've been beating myself up for who I am... and who I want to be. I'm not sure which one is the real me. Reading this really helped me re-think who I am.