how 2 have relationship w/active AD

Old 05-13-2010, 10:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
keepinon's Avatar
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
how 2 have relationship w/active AD

My 18 year old daughter is in an abusive relationship and they are both addicts (mainly smoking oxys I think.) We put her in a fancy Malibu rehab.. she relapsed a month out. Asked her to leave home and told her she was on her own.We do not give her any money or come to her rescue. my problem is I would like to stay in touch with her and she wants to as well but when we get together there is really nothing to talk about as she has no job, got kicked out of school, and just lives in dark room getting high. Want her to know that we still love her, but how do u have a relationship with someone you don't trust and is an active user. Should I tell her to call me when she's clean? I just want to maintain contact without getting all sucked in and is sooo deppressing to see her though. Any tips?
keepinon is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to keepinon For This Useful Post:
sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-13-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 10:33 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
coffeedrinker's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i guess i would keep the contact to a very minimal amount, i.e. major holidays or family celebrations. my daughter joined us for mother's day brunch the other day, and when i hadn't heard from her asking directions, or saying she would be late, i thought she was going to miss it. but she showed up, looking bedraggled, and we girls had a very pleasant time, chatting and joking about this and that. she and i don't talk about her addiction; she knows that i'm there for her when the time comes to face it.

my xabf lost three years of his life, where there was no contact with anyone in his life, except other drug connection people. it's painful for him to know that things went on that he wasn't a part of, and the one time he did surface, for a beloved grandmother's funeral, he barely remembers it, and felt completely disconnected. it is something he can't get back, and has to live with.
coffeedrinker is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to coffeedrinker For This Useful Post:
sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-14-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 12:21 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Chino's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Blog Entries: 3
Impurrfect has said how much it meant to her, that her dad stayed in touch with her when she was wandering the wilderness. He'd take her to eat, if I remember right.

I remember the holidays with my daughter when she was active, and I won't ever do that again. Too much chaos and nothing was genuine. There were times she skipped out or didn't show up and I'd breathe a sigh of relief.

Should there be a next time, my plan is to meet her and do things with her, keep conversation neutral and to a minimum. Even in recovery, we do so much better that way.
Chino is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Chino For This Useful Post:
outtolunch (05-13-2010), sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-14-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 06:40 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Thumbs up

I use to meet my son for a meal every few mos.
On his B'day I might bring Grandma along or he'd bring girlfriend.
Also, For his B'day I would take him to buy a practical gift, usually shoes.

Of course @ these times I would notice how his addiction was progressing, but keep my opinion to myself to the best of my ability.
Mainly I'd just relate to the degree possible to keep some thread of connection + sense of family.
I kept separate times to talk to him abt. treatment; most often I did not hear
from him 4 a long time after these talks.

He went 2 two short-term treatments. His third rehab lasted 18 mos. at a facility just for 18-26 yr olds. He has stayed sober since being out and now works 4 a rehab.
He is one mo short of 26 yrs old.

Don't give up hope, stay connected, keep her out while she is addicted,
continue not to enable, know that this is a progressive disease that often needs many rounds of treatment. Do all you can to get yourself right,
I work the steps through Al-anon, which changed my life in ways unimaginable before I
got busy with this program
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Spiritual Seeker For This Useful Post:
sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-13-2010), wicked (05-13-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 06:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
outtolunch's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Maintaining contact is not the same thing as having a relationship.

I can tell you what worked for me. I skipped the whole dang holiday routine because I could not pretend that things were normal, because they were not.

Picking her up on a street corner and buying her an occasional sandwich worked best. I asked no questions and so she told me no lies. When she hit me up for money, I said no. We talked about the dog, a lot. That's as good as it got back then.
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-14-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 07:12 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
Seren's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,605
Blog Entries: 8
Interesting topic! My A stepson is living at a homeless shelter and has a history of alcohol and crack addiction. He has a birthday next week, and we are thinking of just asking if he would like to meet us for lunch--our treat.

He occasionally stops by his Dad's office to say hello.

It is hard to know how to keep in contact without getting all wrapped up in the drama and manipulation. We just try to keep our distance and watch from afar, but we do want him to remember that we love him.

Hugs to you as you decide how best to proceed! HG
Seren is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
sojourner (05-14-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 07:21 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Bernadette's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,802
I've been through long periods when it was just impossible for me to have much contact w/ my A bros. It was making me insane.

I used to send them postcards frequently though. Just little messages of love. Once when one of them was hospitalized and my sis and I had to go into his apartment I saw he had some of my postcards taped up to his wall and on his fridge. Made me cry.

Well, the whole situation can make me cry!! But it was a very strengthening experience for me to find ways to convey warmth and love but end all enabling behaviors.

Bernadette is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Bernadette For This Useful Post:
sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-14-2010)
Old 05-13-2010, 08:09 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
keepinon's Avatar
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Thanks to everyone who helps. i have been trying to do the lunch thing and the card thing. It will just have to be enough for now.. i really miss her, especially how she was the brief time she was sober and really rational. Just really having a hard time loving her and watching her downhill slide...all you guys know what I mean ....
keepinon is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to keepinon For This Useful Post:
Chino (05-14-2010), mooselips (05-14-2010), sofacat (05-14-2010), sojourner (05-14-2010), Spiritual Seeker (05-13-2010), tjp613 (05-16-2010)
Old 05-14-2010, 06:13 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
When the student is willing, the teacher appears.

I cannot tell you all how this thread has helped me because it is EXACTLY what i have been struggling with the last few months since I started buying my AS lunch periodically. Yes, it is difficult to sit with someone who only has overwhelming problems to talk about. Good grief, it was difficult to listen to him tell me that his girlfriend has major complications from an STD that may render her unable to have children and, when I tell him he now has this STD, he only shrugs it off by saying, "it's not a big deal, 50% of the population have this." And Outtolunch, the biggest neutral thing to talk about is the dog!!! (maybe that's where you got your user name from?)

But then he wanted to come over to my house on Mother's Day to see me. No! That is not going to happen! I have to set that boundary as gently as possible! I am in charge of how this contact is going to go, and buying him lunch periodically is it. Like what was said above, this is only contact - not a relationship.

Thanks to everybody. Not only did you help Keepinon but you also were a tremendous help to me.
sojourner is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sojourner For This Useful Post:
Chino (05-14-2010), sofacat (05-14-2010), Spiritual Seeker (05-14-2010), tjp613 (05-16-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:00 PM.