Jenny1232

Thank you Hydro.. I am actually and adult child of alcoholics.. they're fine now, still drink, but not heavily.

However, I know the outcome. I have huge abandonment fears; I'm terrified by loud sounds; I harbor a LOT, I mean, A LOT of resentment towards alcohol in general (though, I drink on occasion). I know...

Insulated

I've been on the receiving end of a child placed in protective custody. DON'T count on the grandparents actually taking the child. The child may actually wind up in foster care, temporarily. However, the child is innocent and deserves to have sober stability and nourishing food with the simplest of care...cleanliness. You would be a great humanitarian to speak up on behalf of this innocent child.

Jenny1232

Yeah but.. she is fed well, very clean.. I mean, her mother is really good about all of that.

It's just the "drug runs", late night at hotels, or being in the back seat while her mom is high on something...

Other than lack of discipline, rigid schedule (the little girl will be wide awake at 5am), or screaming and throwing fits in stores, etc... so, other than that, she's well taken care of.

suki44883

From your initial post...

She's a HORRIBLE mother... she does feed and bathe her child.. but she really neglects her, and drives around doped up all the time...

Now you say the child is well-taken care of. Which is it?

Jenny1232

it's both. I do think she's a horrible mother. BUT, the child IS fed and bathed, and not all dirty, etc.

She just drives with the child drunk.. and doesn't have a schedule, or discipline her.. and she is rather neglected.

It's hard to explain. The little girl eats. She's not starving and left in the cold, or in ratty clothes. She's well kept up in appearance. It's the people she's around.. and the backseat car rides while her mother is high.

Firefly305

I'd make the call, definitely. The child can't do it herself. Whether she's placed with the Grandparents or in Foster Care, at least she will be fed, clothed, bathed and NOT going on drug runs with Mommy.

Jenny1232

So, no one has ever heard of CPS horror stories?

Done_With_It

The child is living a horror story..

Have you ever done this? Dealers carry guns, threaten and hurt people over the smallest of stuff, people who drive drunk crash into things and other people and kill people. A child has no place being in the middle of all of this.

Either make the call or don't, but no one here can predict the what if's with CPS.
The fact is she is with a using addict in a car around dealers.

Good luck with your situation.

lauren

Perhaps Jenny it would be good to step back and contemplate
why you initially posted about this young child. From my
reading you were not just concerned but were in fear for the
welfare of the child's future. This is very commendable and more
often than not our gut reaction is instinctive of something being
very wrong.
Parenting involves being committed to the child at our very
best at all times with whatever tools we have on hand to give
them foundation, this foundation usually carries them through
out their lives even when they falter and make bad choices. These
examples of parenting bring many back from doing drugs to
being productive adults and contributing to making life whole
some for themselves and their family and friends.
Parenting should be a place of peace, trust and security for
a child.
Your choice may not be comfortable for you but may be the
only comfort for this little girl.
Take time and think it out.

lauren

Jenny1232

I know, but I almost feel like it's a control tactic on my part. Like, "I'll show her". I feel like maybe it'd be a "wake up call".

That's very co-dependent behavior - which is why I was also seeking advice. The little girl does need better care. My friend once asked me, "how do you think (little girl) will be in ten years"? and I said, "If things don't change, REALLY F'ed up". She was a little offended, but that is the truth.

So, I do feel the girl needs a better life. Her daddy gets out of prison in a year, so perhaps he'd take her (he's really good with her). It's just a messy situation for everyone.

I'm sure her mom will die within a year, from a heroin overdose. She got a DUI back in Feb. Why on earth, hasn't she been prosecuted yet?

queenteree

Jenny, I won't relate any cps horror stories, but I can relate my experience with cps in my area. My daughter is a drug addict. I'd first became aware of it last year when she was taking Xanax. In my opinion, my grandkids were neglected in the fact that she would be passed out while they watched tv and played with their toys in their own apt. If they were hungry and couldn't wake her, they'd fend for themselves. They'd call me (they're older, at the time 8 and 7), tell me "mommy's sleeping" and of course, I'd come get them and take them for the night or nights. I've heard stories of her taking them down to 7/11 in the middle of the night also, I'm guessing for drugs. Anyway, last year I told her get help or I'm going to court to get custody. She went to rehab. Did it help? Yep, for a few months, then it all started again.
My AD was high on the first day of school this year, forgot to get her kids off the bus. School called me, I got them and brought them back to my house for the night. In any event, my older granddaughter told her teacher about her mom's pill problem, school called cps. I have had my two granddaughters since September 2009. I do not have custody of them, only recently got temporary custody, on basically a weekly basis, because the judge "wants to preserve my daughter's rights to her children" even tho for the past 9 months she has been kicked out of three outpatient programs and one inpatient rehab, because she continually gets high and relapses. She has tested positive for opiates, cocaine and benzos all the time!!! Also, my husband is in early recovery now, so the judge isn't too fond of that (can't blame her). But I am doing all I can do, but it is not easy. CPS demands alot, they call me all the time, they come to the house all the time, I had to get the girls in counseling, and up until 2 mos. ago, I had to drive them to and from school, taking my lunch hour to get them after school, to a town 3 towns away because CPS would not allow me to register them in my school district in case they went back with their mother.
My grandchildren are safe and happy right now, and feeling very secure. I can only pray that they stay that way. My daughter is still deep in denial at the moment, no way will she be getting help any time soon. But, maybe this will be a wake up call for your friend. In any event, I'm not going to say either way whether you should call cps or not, that is your decision alone, you must make the one you can live with. However, if you know this girl pretty well, maybe you can speak with her parents (the child's grandparents), maybe they can get temporary custody of the child without everyone getting in the system. Just a thought. You and that beautiful child (can't blame her for being a brat, most children of addicts have issues) are in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

Jenny1232

Thank you for your story, Queenteree! That leaves me hopeful. I did consider going to her parents, BUT, he mother is an alcoholic, and her father.. well they aren't very close at all. I also thought, if I did that, it wouldn't be anonymous. My friend has shady friends, and honestly, I fear what they could do to ME to get revenge...

I'm a thinking.. thinking.. thinking..

Thank you. I'm glad your grandparents are in a better situation. Best of luck, and with your daughter.

queenteree

Jenny, I know what you mean about the shady friends ... drug dealers are no one to mess around with. They will kill an entire family for money that's owed to them. Guess her mother is out if she is an alcoholic, that's just placing the child in a similar situation, if not worse. How about the father's parents? Do you know them. I seriously doubt the father will be able to get custody of the child when he gets out of prison, they tend to not give custody to criminals (I know this to be true given my husband had 3 dwi's and is considered a "criminal"), so it doesn't have to be a felony. Besides, what kind of life could he provide for the child? I wish I had a solution for you, but I don't. Sorry ....

ZombieWife

It sounds like your "advice shopping" in a sense, looking for an answer we have yet to give you? You keep bringing up how terrible of a mother she is, that she's a rotten child with no discipline, that her mother drives under the influence, brings her child on drug runs, severely neglects her.

Remove the "I feel bad for calling CPS" for a moment and just look at the facts.

If you ask enough people, you're going to get such a mix of responses that you'll be back where you started with no sound advice.

Consider this: when you call CPS, it's not a guarantee that the child will be taken away OR that they will find reasonable cause to get involved. It's their job to assess this situation and I've actually heard of a few stories where CPS has been involved numerous times and no action was taken at all.

catlovermi

So, which is the lesser guilt:

1. Upsetting the mother by reporting her, upsetting the status quo, or
2. The risk of the child being raped, kidnapped, or injured by a drug dealer, or injured/killed due to a car wreck by a driver under the influence

Those are what you need to weigh against each other.

So, really, which is the one to choose? The child can't choose for herself. She needs an adult observer to see her risks, and make sure adult society protects her.

You don't need to act as judge. You simply report the facts to the people whose job it is to investigate, that's all.

CLMI

Chino

And the child could be dead the next time.

Jenny1232

Well the dad IS a criminal.. had several felonies on him. Sounds sick, because he was a good, caring dad.

As for HIS parents.. well his father committed suicide years ago.. and his mother's alright. I think she's the little girls best bet, to be honest.

Great points everyone. I should stop getting so many different awnsers, because I'm confusing myself.

Has anyone ever read, "A child called IT" or something like that. About a boy named Dave? That was long, long ago, but CPS hardly did anything.

Anyone.. the "mother" texted me today, telling me how messed up it is that I'm not a part of her sobreity, screw me, and it's better this way... She's been my best friend for YEARS.. so it's sad.

wicked

Yes, cause I think you are trying to equate all of CPS with some spectacularly poor cases that were managed by them. My experience with CPS was fantastic, they hooked us up with community services and counseling for my children.

I say, let's look at this from the other side. How many heroin addicted mothers have a good outcome with their children? Really, think about that, she has already been exposed to deals and guns and life threatening dangers. Is CPS really the larger of two evils? I would say no, and that is based on my experience and other mothers in the program with my daughter.

Yes, a spectacular failure by CPS long long ago. What does this have to do with a little girl in daily danger and neglect? You have knowledge of a child in danger (heroin addicted mother) you have the power (telephone) to get this knowledge to the authorities that handle these problems.

If using CPS horror stories is what is keeping you from calling, I suggest you see a movie called "Trainspotting" heroin addicted parents.
WARNING! WILL TRIGGER ADDICTS!

I think what happens in "Trainspotting" is more likely to happen that what happened to Dave long, long ago.

BBD

Jenny, You do need to calm down and think this out. The child is clean, fed and has a bed to sleep in. BUT~~~~what if they get in an accident and the child dies. Think about that. Any small child should not be with an addict out on the road. She should be home in her our bed sound asleep at night. I'm thinking CPS will show up and talk to the mom. That may be enough to make her change some of her habits with her child. You are doing no harm in having this situation chacked out. What are you afraid of??

Jenny1232

I have seen trainspotting, but it's been so long I cant recall any of it.

Hmmph. What to do, What to do?

BBD, you're right. They won't immediately take her child.. so perhaps, she would change some habits. She says she's "in recovery" now.. but we all know heroin recovery rates, especially without being instituionalized...