Codependency Forum
 

Not sure what you mean, Sofacat?

This IS a forum about codependency, based loosely but not officially on the principals of the Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) programs.

The problem varies with each of us, some are partners, some are parents, some are siblings and some are friends of people who are addicted to some substance. Some are just codependent in some or all areas of their lives and it has nothing to do with substance abuse.

The solution is the same for most of us, to find our own recovery and learn to live our lives in a healthy manner...whether we remain with our addicts or not.

My addict is my son who has been missing for almost 6 years. But I am still a recovering codependent who needs to work on my own program daily so I can continue living a life that is happy, peaceful and filled with joy.

If I am reading your post wrong, please forgive me. But please know that anyone facing codependent issues is welcome to share here...whether or not it has anything to do with substance abuse.

Hugs

Let me add that recovering A's are welcome to share here as well if they are also facing issues of codependency. Many of our regular posters here are double winners, recovering A's and recovering codependents both.

So again, I am not sure what you are looking for.

Hugs again

Great suggestion sofa! I am in the same situation. I've removed myself, but still need to reprogram for future relationships.

it seems that a lot of the traffic in f & f, are about the interactions and pain it's caused by an active addict in their lives. or the newcomer who is just beginning to understand that they can't fix their addict. the focus is very much still on the addict, the drama that surrounds having someone active in their addiction, etc. i think what sofa is suggesting, is that if there was a forum that was a little more tailored to those who have moved forward, who still see themselves as codependent, and needing help and support, yet not interacting with a practicing a, that it would feel more right for them.

personally, i like visiting the forums and who they attract they way they are. but i get what she's trying to say, and i know that i could always still choose f & f. like "bikers in recovery" it would be "codependents in recovery", folks that used to be "using" but have moved on, and as such attracting a different set of people

I think this sums up my feelings also. When I arrived here, it was the threads that I read from those who had been where I was - that now had something that I wanted - that kept me coming back and kept me listening.

I'm not sure a different forum for those who are struggling with an addict in their lives than those who have decided not to include addiction in thier day to day lives would be productive in the same way this forum is.

These days I read more than I post and I'm still learning, everyday, from both of the above mentioned. And then some days I have to back off, simply because.

You are welcome to start a thread to discuss the issues that you see surrounding you these days and I guarantee people would learn from it, even if just from reading.
(((Hugs)))

Also, you can start new threads right here that are more for people with a little recovery, and the newcomers can read and learn from our sharing.

CatsPajamas recently posted a thread about Friends, and changes we have made since finding recovery. She posted another about Step 11 Prayer and Meditation. Anyone who has reached Step 11 probably is well on their way in recovery, and again the newcomer can ask questions or learn from those who have gone before them...just as I learned from those who went before me when I was new to recovery.

All threads do not have to be about struggles. They can be sharing about your experience, strength and hope, how you found recovery and how it works in your life today, and about issues you still struggle with.

If all the oldtimers were some place else, who would hold the light for the newcomers?

Just a thought here, for what it's worth.

Hugs

Sheesh, I think I just repeated what Cece said, lol, time to clean my bifocals. :D

I'm definitely seeing all sides to this discussion and think that it is an excellent one.

As I think about it I sometimes feel that whatever codie issue that I am working through takes a backseat to the pain that accompanies life with an active abuser and/or one that is in and out of sobriety. And that makes me reluctant to post. Which I know is not the best mind set.

The Alanon meetings that I like the best are the ones that really keep the focus on me and my side of the street....how to handle my feelings and emotions vs. the latest that my "qualifier" is up to. I like the focus to be on "why am I behaving/allowing/pertuating what is happening in my life vs. why can't my addict be different and what he is up to.

As I think about this topic I think that the main difference between SR and "live" meetings is that on SR not every one is working nor even knows about a program of recovery. In the Anon meetings, there are beginner meetings that help to explain how the focus is on us and not our addicts (even if the addict is clean) and exactly what that looks like in a meeting. There is no giving advice and no cross talk.

I agree that shining the light is the aspect of recovery that is so important. Early on I saw that Greets and Ann had what I wanted. If they had not been around I bet that I wouldn't have stayed around. Not everyone that posts here is actually interested in an Anon program but I've found that for me it's the only thing that works so those are the posts that generally participate in more frequently. Nothing changes if nothing changes so I'm going to accept this as a challenge to look at myself here.

I'm going to become more conscious of initiating (and responding to) posts that help me to focus on the concepts and issues of recovery vs. the details of what is happening in my life. I love being in a meeting and being able to bring up a topic and opening my mind and soul to other ways of looking at things. Maybe looking at it that way would help to meet some of the needs that we are feeling.

So....as usual...thank you all of my SR family for being you!

Thank you for the push I needed. I feel the same way. This forum is most often used by people in crisis related to substance abuse, and it makes me reluctant too. Not any more though ;)

I know that I came to SR in crisis, an exhausted, neurotic mess.

And it was the oldtimers here who helped me work my program and stick with it. I saw something I wanted and am ever grateful to all those who came before me and shone their light.

And yet it is often the newcomer who reminds me where I came from and how bad it was. This motivates me to stay diligent to my program so that I never have to go back to that dark place I came from.

That said, perhaps we should have more threads here sharing the good stuff of our program (like Cats posted). And perhaps we oldtimers should share more about how we got to that good place we are in today. Sharing that helps me and, hopefully, helps the newcomer too, to see that there is hope and there is a better way to live and to see that bad days don't last forever.

Good food for thought here.

Hugs

it seems that a lot of the traffic in f & f, are about the interactions and pain it's caused by an active addict in their lives. or the newcomer who is just beginning to understand that they can't fix their addict. the focus is very much still on the addict, the drama that surrounds having someone active in their addiction, etc. i think what sofa is suggesting, is that if there was a forum that was a little more tailored to those who have moved forward, who still see themselves as codependent, and needing help and support, yet not interacting with a practicing a, that it would feel more right for them.


I 100% agree with this. I think sofa and I are just freshly out of detaching (or trying to). I'll admit that for me right now, I skip over the newcomers for the most part because things are still too fresh me. It dredges up things that I'm trying to move forward from. It's not that I don't comment on newcomers threads, I do, but @ this stage with where I am I'm trying my best to pull myself out of being with an addict. Alot of the threads here are from newcomers who haven't even thought about that process.

I also think that people like Anvil, Ann, Cece, Freedom, HK, Cynical etc (sorry about anyone else I've missed...) Are waaaay farther ahead than myself. So I see sofa's point about wanting a 'bridge' from one extreme to the other. I've also noticed that alot of people have left SR once they've moved on from their addict. Sometimes being on SR keeps thoughts in the forefront of my mind. I wonder if it would be better to wean myself away from SR since moving on from my addict until I can get my legs underneath me?? I don't know.... hmmm

Anyway, JMHO. I'm grateful to SR for all of the great advice and help I've received here.

I think that it would be cool to have a codependency forum so that both addicts and non addicts can talk about it. I have codependency issues and I'm an addict.

Pinkgirl, many members here are double winners and there is no reason you can't share here. I fail to see why some people think that is not acceptable.

And Anvilhead, I couldn't agree more.

All I keep thinking is that recovery is NOT a straight line.

In the 5 years I've spent working on my recovery, I've progressed a great deal only to find myself regressing from time to time. Some slips are little. Some slips are big.

And the minute I begin to think that I've got it down, something happens to remind me that my recovery is always fragile. It always needs attention and care.

I get alot of sage guidance from the 'old-timers'. I can follow their light when I'm lost. But I learn alot from the newcomers too. If nothing else, it helps me to remember where I came from. It makes me appreciate the progress I've made and the newbies encourage me to work hard on my recovery and to share whatever I've learned along the way in hopes that something I have to offer will help them.

I think we all have so much to offer...and so much to learn...no matter where we are on the continuum of recovery. Thats why SR is such a blessing.