Nothing works
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 30
Nothing works
My sister has been in "recovery" (according to her) since April. I was still mad. Still unable to sort it out. I came here and posted and it helped. I read posts and it helped a lot.
Then I decided that coming here wasn't a good idea. It felt like I was fixating on her problem and every time I came here I was nursing that wound. So I stopped because I really believed in her recovery and I didn't want to fixate on her past. It seemed to make sense at the time. She even got custody of her son back and things were really looking up.
Last week Sis called and wanted to take my boys to the circus. I was hesitant. Her attitude has been better than it has been in years. I have been taking the advice I've read everywhere. Look at actions, not words! Her actions were that of a normal person. I was hesitant though because I had been such a jerk (for lack of a better word) about her crack addiction that it felt hypocritical to suddenly let her take them for an evening unsupervised. Like I was pawning my kids off on a person I previously demonized just so I could have free babysitting. I reasoned that my 15 yo nephew would be there and what could she do in a few hours? And the boys were SOOOO excited to go. She even bought them souvenirs. She seemed so... normal!
Well, Saturday night mom gets a call. Sis relapsed. (ah, what a happy Mother's Day for my mother!) She's been using since a few days after she got her son back and though she swears she wasn't doing crack AT THE TIME she took my boys, she was before and after. Knowing how crazy she gets when she's coming down, it didn't make a lick of difference.
I put my two young sons in harms way just to watch a couple of clowns dance around. Man, I feel so stupid.
The worst part is Mom wants to circle the wagons and not tell anyone. The reason why Sis got her son back was because nephew's grandmom (who had temp custody) was so fanatical about his upbringing that she virtually shut this side of the family out. Though I am ticked that grandmom treated us like the enemy I feel guilty about leaving dad and grandmom out of the loop. This is his son! Not some stupid game we're playing. I am confused about whether I should say anything.
I am so angry and confused and scared. And ashamed. Ashamed I let my kids go and even ashamed that I turned my back on the community that helped me as soon as things were looking up. I know you don't expect a member to stick around when this sad part of their lives is over but I still feel it.
I'm scared because I thought I could read her and I can't. There is no "safe" attitude or actions. She can be completely normal and still using.
Then I decided that coming here wasn't a good idea. It felt like I was fixating on her problem and every time I came here I was nursing that wound. So I stopped because I really believed in her recovery and I didn't want to fixate on her past. It seemed to make sense at the time. She even got custody of her son back and things were really looking up.
Last week Sis called and wanted to take my boys to the circus. I was hesitant. Her attitude has been better than it has been in years. I have been taking the advice I've read everywhere. Look at actions, not words! Her actions were that of a normal person. I was hesitant though because I had been such a jerk (for lack of a better word) about her crack addiction that it felt hypocritical to suddenly let her take them for an evening unsupervised. Like I was pawning my kids off on a person I previously demonized just so I could have free babysitting. I reasoned that my 15 yo nephew would be there and what could she do in a few hours? And the boys were SOOOO excited to go. She even bought them souvenirs. She seemed so... normal!
Well, Saturday night mom gets a call. Sis relapsed. (ah, what a happy Mother's Day for my mother!) She's been using since a few days after she got her son back and though she swears she wasn't doing crack AT THE TIME she took my boys, she was before and after. Knowing how crazy she gets when she's coming down, it didn't make a lick of difference.
I put my two young sons in harms way just to watch a couple of clowns dance around. Man, I feel so stupid.
The worst part is Mom wants to circle the wagons and not tell anyone. The reason why Sis got her son back was because nephew's grandmom (who had temp custody) was so fanatical about his upbringing that she virtually shut this side of the family out. Though I am ticked that grandmom treated us like the enemy I feel guilty about leaving dad and grandmom out of the loop. This is his son! Not some stupid game we're playing. I am confused about whether I should say anything.
I am so angry and confused and scared. And ashamed. Ashamed I let my kids go and even ashamed that I turned my back on the community that helped me as soon as things were looking up. I know you don't expect a member to stick around when this sad part of their lives is over but I still feel it.
I'm scared because I thought I could read her and I can't. There is no "safe" attitude or actions. She can be completely normal and still using.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by SisOfAnAddict 
I am so angry and confused and scared. And ashamed. Ashamed I let my kids go and even ashamed that I turned my back on the community that helped me as soon as things were looking up. I know you don't expect a member to stick around when this sad part of their lives is over but I still feel it.
i think if you drop off, it's not turning your back on us.
as for member sticking around after the sad part of their lives is over, gosh i appreciate some of our long-term members so much - i hope they don't go away!! they are here to help us. and i know that life hits them in the face sometimes, too, and then we are here to help them.
i understand not wanting to fixate on the addict any longer. it can suck the life out of you. but what this site is really about, imo, is not just coming here to get a fix on a situation, like a band aid that when the sore has healed you're done. but it's more like coming here to acquire tools for living a healthier life, so that when the next thing comes to wound you, you won't get the owie so you won't need the band aid.
do you think there is something that is not "outing" your sister, yet it is not lying to cover up either?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back Sis, and don't feel bad about leaving, we don't take attendance here and just keep our doors open 24/7.
You did what you thought was the right thing, it just turned out badly but at least your kids are safe.
I find that when I make a mistake or misjudge a situation, I learn and when I know better, I do better.
Her addiction and recovery is hers to own. You don't have to try to hide it, nor do you need to discuss it with everyone who asks.
All you need to do is to protect yourself, your kids, and inform innocent family members who might be vulnerable to her behaviour, like older members who may be used.
Keeping your sister in my prayers.
Hugs
You did what you thought was the right thing, it just turned out badly but at least your kids are safe.
I find that when I make a mistake or misjudge a situation, I learn and when I know better, I do better.
Her addiction and recovery is hers to own. You don't have to try to hide it, nor do you need to discuss it with everyone who asks.
All you need to do is to protect yourself, your kids, and inform innocent family members who might be vulnerable to her behaviour, like older members who may be used.
Keeping your sister in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Sis,
I'm glad you're back. People come and go here and the door's always open.
Since its difficult (if not impossible) to tell if the addict has relapsed unless you're living under the same roof with them (and even then it can be really hard), I think we have to operate on the assumption that the recovering addict is still using when it comes to deciding if our children will be safe in their care. At some point, if the recovery is real, you'll know it. There are alot of recovering addicts on this board and you can tell their recovery is real. It's just obvious by their words and actions.
Don't be too hard on yourself over the circus thing. Chalk it up as a learning experience. Say a prayer for your sister and leave her in God's care. There isn't anything you can do or say that will make a difference in her recovery.
As for what to do about her son...that's a tough call. I personally think the father has a right to know if she's relapsed and placing her son in danger. If you're really sure that she has relapsed, *I* would probably send an anonymous note to protective services and let them investigate. I'm all for leaving the addict to do what they please but it scares me to death to think what her son might be exposed to in the process.
No easy answers...thats for sure.
I'm glad you're back. People come and go here and the door's always open.
Since its difficult (if not impossible) to tell if the addict has relapsed unless you're living under the same roof with them (and even then it can be really hard), I think we have to operate on the assumption that the recovering addict is still using when it comes to deciding if our children will be safe in their care. At some point, if the recovery is real, you'll know it. There are alot of recovering addicts on this board and you can tell their recovery is real. It's just obvious by their words and actions.
Don't be too hard on yourself over the circus thing. Chalk it up as a learning experience. Say a prayer for your sister and leave her in God's care. There isn't anything you can do or say that will make a difference in her recovery.
As for what to do about her son...that's a tough call. I personally think the father has a right to know if she's relapsed and placing her son in danger. If you're really sure that she has relapsed, *I* would probably send an anonymous note to protective services and let them investigate. I'm all for leaving the addict to do what they please but it scares me to death to think what her son might be exposed to in the process.
No easy answers...thats for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Sis: You're always welcome here. I've been coming to this site long enough to know that many of us visit and post heavier at times than at others. Just depends on what else is going on in our lives.
I see a comparison between your mother's desire to keep drug use a secret and the addict's desire to keep their drug use a secret. You're not just dealing with your sister's addiction - you're also dealing with your mother's addictive-type response to the addict. Your mother is not putting that little boy's safety first because of that. Can you see why the person who had temporary custody is suspicious of the family members surrounding your sister? I am thinking that the nephew's grandmom has had many previous dealings of this type before and learned from experience to be very suspicious. Keeping this very important piece of information away from the dad and grandmom is not in the boy's best interest.
Again, welcome back!!
I see a comparison between your mother's desire to keep drug use a secret and the addict's desire to keep their drug use a secret. You're not just dealing with your sister's addiction - you're also dealing with your mother's addictive-type response to the addict. Your mother is not putting that little boy's safety first because of that. Can you see why the person who had temporary custody is suspicious of the family members surrounding your sister? I am thinking that the nephew's grandmom has had many previous dealings of this type before and learned from experience to be very suspicious. Keeping this very important piece of information away from the dad and grandmom is not in the boy's best interest.
Again, welcome back!!
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