Complicated
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1
Complicated
I have a daughter who has one year clean this month!! I am so proud of her..she has embraced the program after many failed attempts and 6 years of heroin addiction. She lives approximately 2 hours away in a 3/4 house and has become a leader in her new community. It is so obvious when they are truly clean. There are no doubts or wondering. However, we both know how easy it could be for her to fall and her whole life currently revolves around keeping sober.
Here is where it gets complicated. We learn through the years how to deal with our addicts. We learn our boundaries and our helplessness in dealing with it. When they become sober, it becomes complicated in new ways.
I have raised her son since birth. He will be four this summer and has begun spending long weekends with her. She ideally wants him back. This is such a hard thing for me and I need advice. I would never want to deny anyone their son, but it is a hard place to be in. He looks to me as his mother, but I know that he is young and could adapt. This has opened all kinds of new codependency feelings in me - can she deal with raising him after never having him? can I deal with him being gone? I LOVE HIM!!! It is so hard to know what the right way to proceed is and what is best for everyone... anxious for advice.....River
Here is where it gets complicated. We learn through the years how to deal with our addicts. We learn our boundaries and our helplessness in dealing with it. When they become sober, it becomes complicated in new ways.
I have raised her son since birth. He will be four this summer and has begun spending long weekends with her. She ideally wants him back. This is such a hard thing for me and I need advice. I would never want to deny anyone their son, but it is a hard place to be in. He looks to me as his mother, but I know that he is young and could adapt. This has opened all kinds of new codependency feelings in me - can she deal with raising him after never having him? can I deal with him being gone? I LOVE HIM!!! It is so hard to know what the right way to proceed is and what is best for everyone... anxious for advice.....River
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
River, indeed this is complicated, and I am happy for you and your daughter (and your grandson) that she has found a better path.
One year clean is still fairly new to recovery. It's a great landmark and an indicator of sincerity about wanting to stay clean, but she still has a lot of work ahead of her.
Ideally, she would stay clean and could work something out that would work for all three of you. Recovery would make her choice one that considers all involved.
That said, I would get legal advice and at least know your rights and the rights of your grandson. Knowing what is legally possible will help you deal with what is morally right.
Welcome to SR, stick around and I'm sure you will meet many here who understand your situation first hand.
Hugs
One year clean is still fairly new to recovery. It's a great landmark and an indicator of sincerity about wanting to stay clean, but she still has a lot of work ahead of her.
Ideally, she would stay clean and could work something out that would work for all three of you. Recovery would make her choice one that considers all involved.
That said, I would get legal advice and at least know your rights and the rights of your grandson. Knowing what is legally possible will help you deal with what is morally right.
Welcome to SR, stick around and I'm sure you will meet many here who understand your situation first hand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
again``what anvil said......and big hugs to you gramma for being such a great person. This does have to be sooo hard on you. Letting him go will certainly change your life but the visits will be absolutely wonderful.
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