difficult few days - fear, uncertainty, lack of control?
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difficult few days - fear, uncertainty, lack of control?
I have had a difficult couple of days. Everything seems to be related to my codependency and also to a big thing for me - fear--esp., a fear of a lack of control over what is going on around me. I really like to know what to expect, what is going to happen, etc. I know that we can't really know that, but it has really hit me over the past few days.
First of all, I had a discussion with RABF, about some behavior that he is going back to with a web group that he was active in while he was active in his addiction. I guess the prior behavior didn't have to be related to addiction, but it became that way. It became an excuse for him to sit around in the void of Oxycodone because he could just live on the Internet. He told me that he would never go back to the group because it was tied to his addiction. However, now he is saying that he is back to the Internet group, but it's no longer related to his addiction. Of course, that got me upset and I told him how scared it made me because I got so close to losing him. He said that I didn't get that close to losing him--trying to downplay how bad things were. I was like, yeah, I did. Either you would have died, gone to jail, or I would have had to walk out. He claimed that he was the one who stopped that progression, he stopped his addiction, and he is not going back to that.
Then, yesterday was Mother's Day. That is a hard day for me because I am quite estranged from my mother. She is an addict, and she has mental illness. So, I did call her on Mother's Day, but the conversation went downhill. She was surprised about where I work (I've been there 15 months), and then she spiraled down into some crazy talk about how she's been in bed for 9 weeks because a TV fell on her head. My mom has a history of somatic delusions, substance abuse, and other mental disorders (bipolar? borderline?). So, I shouldn't have been surprised. I just felt kind off dirty after the conversation. Her crazy talk gets me all confused because it doesn't make any sense, and then I feel crazy.
Then, I was kind of feeling weird because my half-sister posted a pic of my father, and I have no contact at all with him. Actually, he just doesn't care what I do, so that is a weird situation. He is also a substance abuser, alcoholic, and has various mental illnesses.
Then, I go to work, where everything seems to go downhill more. There are going to be some major staff changes. They've been continuing to cut hours, overtime, etc., due to financial issues. Now, I am very uncertain about how much longer I'll be there. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I do know that there will be cuts in my department. I have gone to a different status (not full-time), so that would cut my chance of getting lay-off benefits.
I know this is long, so thanks if you have stayed with this post. I just feel like I'm rolling downhill and quickly gaining speed. I feel such a lack of control of my RABF, my parents, my work, and subsequently, everything. I hate having everything so confusing and unpredictable.
First of all, I had a discussion with RABF, about some behavior that he is going back to with a web group that he was active in while he was active in his addiction. I guess the prior behavior didn't have to be related to addiction, but it became that way. It became an excuse for him to sit around in the void of Oxycodone because he could just live on the Internet. He told me that he would never go back to the group because it was tied to his addiction. However, now he is saying that he is back to the Internet group, but it's no longer related to his addiction. Of course, that got me upset and I told him how scared it made me because I got so close to losing him. He said that I didn't get that close to losing him--trying to downplay how bad things were. I was like, yeah, I did. Either you would have died, gone to jail, or I would have had to walk out. He claimed that he was the one who stopped that progression, he stopped his addiction, and he is not going back to that.
Then, yesterday was Mother's Day. That is a hard day for me because I am quite estranged from my mother. She is an addict, and she has mental illness. So, I did call her on Mother's Day, but the conversation went downhill. She was surprised about where I work (I've been there 15 months), and then she spiraled down into some crazy talk about how she's been in bed for 9 weeks because a TV fell on her head. My mom has a history of somatic delusions, substance abuse, and other mental disorders (bipolar? borderline?). So, I shouldn't have been surprised. I just felt kind off dirty after the conversation. Her crazy talk gets me all confused because it doesn't make any sense, and then I feel crazy.
Then, I was kind of feeling weird because my half-sister posted a pic of my father, and I have no contact at all with him. Actually, he just doesn't care what I do, so that is a weird situation. He is also a substance abuser, alcoholic, and has various mental illnesses.
Then, I go to work, where everything seems to go downhill more. There are going to be some major staff changes. They've been continuing to cut hours, overtime, etc., due to financial issues. Now, I am very uncertain about how much longer I'll be there. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I do know that there will be cuts in my department. I have gone to a different status (not full-time), so that would cut my chance of getting lay-off benefits.
I know this is long, so thanks if you have stayed with this post. I just feel like I'm rolling downhill and quickly gaining speed. I feel such a lack of control of my RABF, my parents, my work, and subsequently, everything. I hate having everything so confusing and unpredictable.
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I guess my recovery program has been SR, reading codependency books, and seeing a psychiatrist. I think I have a lot of tools in my toolbox. Things seemed like they were looking up, but then I've had a bad couple of days. I think I just keep on getting reminded of how out of control life can be. It seems like we've had a lot of reminders of that lately. This work thing just seemed to be the final straw. RABF is in a temporary position that could be extended. I was expecting to work part-time and go to school full-time. I just may have to change some of the things that I'm doing. I just wish I knew what they were going to do at work so that I could make my own school/work plans accordingly. I know everybody is stressed at work. This announcement came today that they were going to have to lay off people.
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it does sound scary. and most of us do want to have control over the things around us, that affect us.
i just spoke at my al-anon meeting tonight. i talked about powerlessness (step one).
"when we claim powerlessness, we're saying that we're willing to end an ineffective life based on will power and control." (melody beattie)
it seems that this may be a place you could focus on?
good luck.
(sorry to throw that in about giving the meeting, but i'm proud of myself!)
i just spoke at my al-anon meeting tonight. i talked about powerlessness (step one).
"when we claim powerlessness, we're saying that we're willing to end an ineffective life based on will power and control." (melody beattie)
it seems that this may be a place you could focus on?
good luck.
(sorry to throw that in about giving the meeting, but i'm proud of myself!)
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I'm glad you threw that in there coffee, I think it was perfect timing.
My area just survived a flood of epic proportions. Somehow or another people are pulling silver linings out of thin air. One of them are all the jobs that have been generated, just like after major hurricanes. There's a day labor place across the street from our office and it's rocking morning and night. People went from being powerless to suddenly having jobs, they just had to ride out the storm.
Hang in there bluebelle and remember to hope
My area just survived a flood of epic proportions. Somehow or another people are pulling silver linings out of thin air. One of them are all the jobs that have been generated, just like after major hurricanes. There's a day labor place across the street from our office and it's rocking morning and night. People went from being powerless to suddenly having jobs, they just had to ride out the storm.
Hang in there bluebelle and remember to hope
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Yes, it is good for me to remember the first step.
I know that this is just one of those difficult times that I will get through. I also really do believe that something there is better for me in the future. There is a good opportunity out there. I'm just trying to focus on the positive, and focus on not reacting out of fear. I spoke directly with the director this morning. I asked point blank what was going to happen with my work position. They couldn't really answer me, but I felt that they were being open and honest about the insecurity of our work financial situation. I just have to focus on not fearing, and really focusing on gratitude for what I do have. I also have been focusing on what I can do (even though some of that is in baby steps). I'm trying to watch for the little things--like funny things our cats do our a pretty butterfly. It helps distract me from the worry.
I know that this is just one of those difficult times that I will get through. I also really do believe that something there is better for me in the future. There is a good opportunity out there. I'm just trying to focus on the positive, and focus on not reacting out of fear. I spoke directly with the director this morning. I asked point blank what was going to happen with my work position. They couldn't really answer me, but I felt that they were being open and honest about the insecurity of our work financial situation. I just have to focus on not fearing, and really focusing on gratitude for what I do have. I also have been focusing on what I can do (even though some of that is in baby steps). I'm trying to watch for the little things--like funny things our cats do our a pretty butterfly. It helps distract me from the worry.
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The situation at work is still not within my power (of course). It is within my power to talk to the director, do my best to train my replacement, be professional, work hard, be nice, talk to my supervisor, etc. It is also within my power to try to change my school schedule. I can't change it right away, but I can watch for an open space. There are positive steps that I can take in the direction that I want to go.
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Wow...I could have written that myself Bluebelle.
Having a bit of a spiral lately too. I guess when it rains, it pours, eh?
Not to put the focus back on you RABF...but Mr.Sofa is an opiate addict and would sit on the computer playing Mafia Wars for days and days. He admitted that boredom was a trigger, and knew that that behavior was slippery. I see where you are coming from.
His choice though, right?
Here's to better days....I have been OD'ing on self help lately....maybe we should just go out and have some fun.
Having a bit of a spiral lately too. I guess when it rains, it pours, eh?
Not to put the focus back on you RABF...but Mr.Sofa is an opiate addict and would sit on the computer playing Mafia Wars for days and days. He admitted that boredom was a trigger, and knew that that behavior was slippery. I see where you are coming from.
His choice though, right?
Here's to better days....I have been OD'ing on self help lately....maybe we should just go out and have some fun.
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Thanks, Sofacat. I have had a lot of upheaval lately. The work situation is crazy, but I know I'm not the only person working somewhere that's going through layoffs. A whole lot of stuff is changing in my life and all at once. I guess I just have to ride the wave, or something.
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And you're right. It is RABF's business, not mine. He's been all whiny about his work and the people he works with. I don't know. He's been really moody lately. (Of course, I guess I have been, too.) He's had some disillusionment with a good friend that he had put on a pedestal. It turns out that the friend has his own problems and is talking the talk, but not necessarily walking the walk.
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I do take time for myself. I generally take breaks and go walking or running. I also like to take baths.
That motivation is really good. I am trying to work on asking myself if I can just do one thing to get me to my goals. Actually, I think I am doing a good job of working toward my goal. My full-time school and part-time work is part of that goal. Some of that is within my control. I know that I'm a good worker, so I think I could find something else if I needed to. I work really hard on my schoolwork, and am going to continue to do that. I've been working on asking for what I want and need from RABF. I'm going out of town to visit family, which means that I won't be here to "watch" RABF. That's a good step for me. In the past I might not do what is best for me or my family because I'd be worried that I'd need to be around RABF to watch him or to try to keep him doing right. I don't believe that anymore.
One thing that has really helped me with my decisions is that rather than worrying about whether the RABF is doing drugs, and making decisions based on that--I've been living life like he's not doing drugs. What would I be doing if I didn't have his drug use to worry about? Where would I go? How would I be living my life? So, even though I haven't been able to completely stop my worrying/control, I at least can make some good decisions based for myself. I kind of pretend to myself and act like I'm not codie. I've learned those hints from this forum, and from my codie books.
Thanks everybody!
That motivation is really good. I am trying to work on asking myself if I can just do one thing to get me to my goals. Actually, I think I am doing a good job of working toward my goal. My full-time school and part-time work is part of that goal. Some of that is within my control. I know that I'm a good worker, so I think I could find something else if I needed to. I work really hard on my schoolwork, and am going to continue to do that. I've been working on asking for what I want and need from RABF. I'm going out of town to visit family, which means that I won't be here to "watch" RABF. That's a good step for me. In the past I might not do what is best for me or my family because I'd be worried that I'd need to be around RABF to watch him or to try to keep him doing right. I don't believe that anymore.
One thing that has really helped me with my decisions is that rather than worrying about whether the RABF is doing drugs, and making decisions based on that--I've been living life like he's not doing drugs. What would I be doing if I didn't have his drug use to worry about? Where would I go? How would I be living my life? So, even though I haven't been able to completely stop my worrying/control, I at least can make some good decisions based for myself. I kind of pretend to myself and act like I'm not codie. I've learned those hints from this forum, and from my codie books.
Thanks everybody!
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