aah1977

I've been away from the board for a couple of months because I found the more I posted and looked on here the more it felt like I was still being sucked into enabling and co-dependency as well as wallowing in constant self pity. I've been trying to live my life free of issues surrounding my husband's addiction. I was pretty successful until this weekend!

Long story short since my husband (we've been separated since January) was arrested in February he was doing good. Then he relapsed about 2 1/2 weeks ago. He has been working 2 jobs to try and give me a little bit of child support and actually had gotten a job in his profession that was starting next week. Well, I suspected he may have relapsed and of course his family was no help to me. I called to voice my concerns and was blown off several times. My last call to them was Thursday and their attitude was their son was fine.

Anyway, I went out of town for the weekend and I guess they knew everything wasn't fine because they entered him into a detox program. It is a 5 day non-medical detox. It is a totally free program and after the detox he can go into a 6 month inpatient rehabilitation program at that facility. It is actually a place for homeless men and he has already been calling them to voice his opinion on the place because he doesn't feel like he is like the men there. He was a professional man making 6 figures before this latest relapse and has a very high opinion of himself. Truth of the matter is he really is no different than the homeless men there.
He went into the detox program thinking after 5 days he could come out and go to a 28 day inpatient rehab. I spoke to his dad last night and he told me that when he gets out of the detox they are telling him they changed their minds and he has 2 choices 1) to stay there for the 6 month program 2) not voluntarily do the 6 month program and they will revoke his bond. I need to add he did willingly go to the detox and could leave at anytime. He does want to get clean, but I have a feeling the way the in-laws are going about the actual rehab is not going to go over very well.


I'm extremely upset with this whole situation! When my husband got arrested I felt they shouldn't bond him out. They were in agreement, but after a couple of days they were feeling really bad. They assured me that conditions of his bond would be that he would stay with them, attend NA meetings daily, enroll in an intensive outpatient program at a rehab facility near us, cut ties with the addict woman he met that triggered a relapse, chores, job, etc. Within days of him getting out I could already see that they were allowing him way more freedom than they should have been, they were even having this addicted woman and her kids over for dinner. When I found out she was in the picture still I asked that when my son was visiting she and her kids not be there and I've since found out they weren't facilitating my wishes. There were several occasions that I felt they weren't holding firm to their original "contract" (yes, they made him sign something) and said something. Their answer was always that he was a grown man and they didn't feel right enforcing curfews, choice of friends or chores.

Now we are back in a relapse situation. I don't even know where he is nor am I pushing to find out because I need to stay out of his ciaos. I do think however that the way they are going about this isn't right.

I'm trying my hardest to stay out of all this mess, but he is my child's father and want the best for him. I wish before sending him off to a detox they would have mentioned something to me so I could have given them some valuable information. Since we are still married he is still on my insurance. We have excellent behavioral health insurance that almost fully covers up to 8 days of medical or non-medical detox. It will also do inpatient with a $300 copay if another mental issue is addressed with the substance abuse. We can also get him into partial hospital care (which means 8 hours a day 7 days a week) with a $300 co-pay. I was sort of thinking that might work good if he could get into an Oxford House. So, I've spent a good part of the morning trying to find someplace for him to go that could be 30 - 90 days. While I'm sure 6 months would be good for him realistically I don't see it happening and it will only make him angry to have been tricked into thinking he was doing a 30-60 program. And, yes there is some selfishness on my part-we have a 2 year old and not seeing his dad for that length of time will be extremely difficult not to mention no child support. If he is gone for 6 months, I will lose our house etc. I know I should be thinking of how in the scheme of things 6 months is nothing compared to a lifetime of continued drug use or his death from an overdose. I know I should look at 6 months as an opportunity for him to really reevaluate and adjust his life, but I just think that is a really long time for him to be gone from his life. I didn't sleep at all last night worried about what will happen and it frustrates me because I had been doing so good!

I wish I could just step away and let it take its course, but I feel like since I hold the piece of the insurance puzzle I should help. We have all been wiped clean financially due to his addiction and now there really is no money to get him into am inpatient facility. Any suggestions? Or should I just mind my own business?

smacked

Sounds like his parents have established some pretty strong boundaries. There isn't a rehab on earth that will work until he's ready.. personally, I would stay out of it..not too sure why you're so very involved at this point, I do understand you share a child. That article that cynical posted about enabling is a great read.

I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly. Are you saying you'd prefer to offer him a 'nicer' 30-60 day program instead of the 6 month option?

I know when I got sober, 30 days was a ridiculously short amount of recovery time to qualify for anything very meaningful or lasting.

Sorry if I misunderstood your point.. I read your post a few times to make sure of what you were saying..

aah1977

I don't know why I'm involved either really! I'm not proposing a nicer option, but I do think that they SHOULD look at some other options that are available to him through our shared insurance. He called on the way to detox on Saturday to talk to our son and tell me what was going on. He had found the detox facility himself and was actually planning on going in on Thursday of this week after his pre-trial. When his parents confronted him about the relapse he told them he was going to detox on Thursday and they said he had to go immediately. He was fine with that and was hoping to get out of the detox and go straight to a place he found that had a 30-90 program. Apparently, when his dad dropped him off at the detox he found out about the 6 month program and is now giving an ultimatum that he either do that particular program or he will revoke his bond. I was planning on totally staying out of it until his dad told me he was going to give him this news when he finishes the detox. I totally understand they are setting boundaries, but I just think they are forcing something and it won't go over well. My husband was trying to do something for himself and now his control freak father has found a way to get involved on his terms.

I want to stay out of it and when I got the call on Saturday that he was going I wished him well, got off the phone, and went about having a good weekend never giving it a second thought. Last night when I got home I called his parents about plans they had to pick up my son tomorrow and that was when his dad brought this all up to me.

coffeedrinker

it's interesting to me that you wouldn't be on the "side" of his parents. it sounds like they were his enabler (the bond, living at their home, etc) and this was not a good idea, yet when they have realized the error in some of those things, and are learning to break free from it, you are angry.

i think the bottom line is that you want to be in the driver's seat. not your husband, not his parents.

i also do understand that he may not be able to easily relate to some of those other inpatients, and you are concerned - you want his recovery to be optimal! but really, he may not be in a position to call the shots. he has a relationship with the parents and if he wants to continue on this course with them (the living with them and receiving financial assistance) he may not have a choice. let this be between him and his support people.

i also understand that you didn't want to be so immersed in s/r and all the stuff that is a constant reminder of your pain. but....i don't think your issues go away by not facing them. i hope you are doing well, but i think you have some things to address.

aah1977

anvil, I know all this and have been so good for almost 3 months at reminding myself of these things. We are already in the process of divorce, but in my state you have to be living apart for 1 year and 1 day before you can actually be divorced. So, I do know the consequences of his actions as they relate to me and I've been taking the right steps to be free of him. We had been discussing counseling to learn to parent together, but with this relapse I don't see it happening.

Your last sentence hit home! That is really hard for me-I fell in love and married someone who hung the moon. He was one of the most honest, caring and ambitious people I've ever known. While I don't believe anyone is a saint I do believe my husband had one of the kindest hearts a human can have. Oxycontin destroyed that and it breaks my heart that our son may never know his father as a good person. People that know of his situation are just perplexed that this kind of thing can happen to a person like him. I have to remind myself daily that he isn't the father he should have been and I can only pray that one day he will come back around. Until then I've got to make sure I do everything possible to make my son secure.

aah1977

I really don't want to be in the driver's seat with this. I HATE that I let my self get sucked back in last night. I am angry at them because you have no idea how awful they were to me when I made the choice to step aside. I have a very bad relationship with them and was told I was evil and heartless for setting boundaries. When this all began according to them it wasn't serious, I caused it, etc. They still aren't stepping aside though-they seem to be trying to control where he goes. I get the whole idea of if he doesn't go to treatment they will revoke the bond, but what is wrong with where he found for the inpatient care? If the addict has to want to I'm sure telling him he can't go to one place, but has to go to the facility of their choice won't go over well and he'll be out of there first chance he gets.

I know I need to just let it go!

As for my issues, I do deal with them. I go to Al-anon a couple times a week and see a counselor. I only go once a month because of my schedule and financially right now I can't go more frequently. I just found that the more I came on here the more I spent all my time focused on my issues surrounding my addict.

aah1977

My state doesn't have legal separation. In Virginia you have to be living separate for 1 year and 1 day before divorce proceedings can begin. We were in the process of drafting a separation agreement with a mediator, but now with him gone I'm not really sure what will happen. The separation agreement states what will happen in the divorce and can be filed in the courthouse prior to the divorce, but you aren't considered legally separated. We were working with the mediator because it was way cheaper than having my lawyer draft it, send it to his lawyer so they could scrutinize it and revise it, send back to my lawyer etc. With the mediator we agreed on stuff, she would file it and then at 1 year and 1 day we could get the lawyer to look over it and proceed with the divorce. I don't have the money for a lawyer right now so not really sure what to do!

aah1977

So true, so true!

Chino

Is that really a bad thing, especially in light of the resentment that's rearing it's ugly head with his parents? There's a middle ground somewhere and I hope you find it soon

sofacat

"should I just mind my own business?"

I vote yes on this idea. You already know there's nothing you can do except "you".

aah1977

I wouldn't say it was a bad thing, but I felt like when I was on here regularly I was on here all the time. It was up on my computer morning, noon and night and it felt like it was consuming me.

suki44883

I remember you aah and I've thought about you a couple of times. I see the in-laws are still trying to control everything.

It's a shame your husband relapsed, but I'm glad he is seeking treatment. I am kind of thinking you should let them handle it since they are the ones who bailed him out. If your husband is truly serious about living a sober life, it won't really matter where he is or for how long. It's just part of the consequences he needs to face for his bad decisions.

I am concerned though, about you losing the house in the next six months. I mean, it's really not a good idea to depend on him to keep your house. I think I would be focusing on where my son and I are going to live. If you start now, you have a better chance of finding something you can afford if it really looks like you're going to lose the house. You can't help your husband right now, but you sure can look out for yourself and your son.

aah1977

Suki, thanks for thinking of me. I'm currently working with the bank to figure something out. They don't really want more houses and I do make good money. If I can get them to refinance and eat some of the cost (still less than if it foreclosed) then I will be fine with or without him. As it is right now though my mortgage would eat up more than half my income. I just know that if they won't work with me I will have to let it short sell or foreclose I guess. I really don't want to do that, but we did invitro to have our son and maxed out the equity before the market dropped to finance the invitro as well as to do some improvements. We figured we would be in the house for many more years so it didn't seem like an awful idea at the time. We had no idea the market would take a dive AND that my husband would become addicted to drugs. I could go move right now in with my parents or a rental, but I'm pretty sure the house won't sell and I just don't want to uproot my son at the moment. I've got big decisions to make!

suki44883

Yes, sweetie, you do. So, you don't have time to worry about your husband or where he is going to be spending his rehab. You and your son are your first priority. Your husband can take care of himself and if there are any problems he can't handle, I'm sure his parents will be true to form and be there to take the reins.

aah1977

It just sucks because you marry someone to walk together with and to make these decisions with. The house is in both of our names, it was a joint decision to buy it, every thing that is in it was done as a couple and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of the mess he made. ALONE! The disease has robbed us of the dreams we had. Now I am the sole caregiver and decision maker. I was always the stronger force in this kind of stuff, but I always knew I had someone to discuss it with. Now it is just me!

I have friends going through divorce right now and it is tough on them, but they still have a person to co-parent with. The decisions on what to do with the house isn't just left to one person. They get shared custody so at least they can have some me time and their children get the benefit of having both parents in their life. It gets ugly don't get me wrong, but divorcing an addict adds a whole new layer of awfulness!

suki44883

I understand, really, I do. You feel shortchanged and it is not at all uncommon in these situations. Still, the thing is, your son needs you to make these decisions and even though it sucks, you have to do it. From everything you have written, your husband sounds like a pretty good guy who just got in trouble with drugs. I haven't seen anything from you about him being at all vengeful or hateful to you. His parents are the ones trying to put ideas in his head by talking bad about you. I get the sense that if you and your husband could make these decisions without his parents sticking their noses in, things would go a lot more smoothly.

coffeedrinker

I get it. I'm on here a lot and have just started to break away the past couple of weeks. But the being consumed, the site being a constant reminder of HIM -- yeah.

I didn't understand that your in-laws demonized you, although you did touch on that in the o.p. Sounds like they're all digging a hole, and you get to stay completely out of it. Goodie.

And...for what it's worth, I think the Sal.Army's program has a lot going for it.