nytepassion

Although it's high time many of our adult children begin to accept the consequences of their choices, the plain truth is that we must first accept the responsibility for our choices-----past choices, present choices, and future choices.
Our biggest problem isn't our adult children's inability to wake up when their alarm clocks ring, or their inability to keep a schedule, or the inability to hold down jobs or pay their bills. It's not their drug use or alcohol addictions. It's not the mess they're make of their lives. The main problem is the part we're playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make.

The main problem is us.
Ouch.
It's also the excuses we make to ourselves (and others) for our enabling. Excuses like these:

1. "It's just so hard for kids today."
2. "If I don't help, who will?"
3. "But I'm only trying to help."
4. "No one understand my Larry [or Sally]."
5. "He [or she] just needs to find the right treatment program."

Excuses like these keep us in pain----and further from any real resolution for our children or us. What must stop are the ongoing (and often useless) discussions we continue o have with our adult children, who clearly know how to push our buttons, how to control us and thus control the outcome.

The excuses must end. And as difficult s it may be to hear, we may be somewhat responsible for whatever part we've played----large or small----in the dysfunctions of our adult children. For some of us the responsibility may be large. We have surely played a part----perhaps unwittingly----in raising disrespectful, irresponsible, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and debilitatingly lazy adult children. We have played some part in raising excuse-ridden sluggards----"The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desire of the diligent are fully satisfied" (Proverbs 13:4)

Does this sound harsh? It was meant to. I know some of you may be saying, "Allison, please don't make me feel even more guilty about my parenting choices. I feel bad enough already."
I totally understand. However, if we really want things to change it's time to stop feeling guilty, take the spotlight off our adult children and focus ownership of the issue on ourselves. The reality of what we've done and why we've done it my be ugly, but underneath it all is something beautiful: well-meant intentions. And it's those well-meant intentions that cause us grief today.
For years some of us have focused our attention (and worries) on our adult children. We've not only taken on the role of the director in the drama of their lives, but the roles of producer, stage manager, dresser, caterer, financier, and scriptwriter as well. We've done countless things for them that they are more than capable of doing for themselves. No matter whether it's a comedy, a tragedy, or a melodrama, it's time for the curtain to come down on this act.

This show is over.
But a new production is on the horizon!
We must replace our enabling behavior with something else.

Ending Enabling Behavior
From experience I've learned four life-saving truths about changing enabling behavior:

1. We can pray for the power to change ourselves.
2. We can help (not enable) adult children of any age develop wings to to fly on their own.
3. We can find comfort in knowing we are not alone on this journey.
4. We can take back our lives!

Allison's Top-Ten Suggestions for Breaking the Enabling Cycle..

1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, and financial health.
2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friend in addition to your troubled adult child.
3. You shall not accept excuses.
4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
5. You shall make fact based judgments without excuse and feel okay doing so.
6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values, and integrity.
7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your higher power.
9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.

Suggestion 10
You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY as outlined in part 2 of this book.

Of course to do suggestion 10 you would need to get your hands on a copy of the book. "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children"
By: Allison Bottke

The Six Steps to SANITY
"S"----STOP Your Own Negative Behavior
"A"----ASSEMBLE A Support Group
"N"----NIP Excuses in the Bud
"I"----IMPLEMENT Rules and boundaries
"T"----TRUST Your Instincts
"Y"----YIELD Everything to God
__________________________________________________ __

I am in the process of reading this book myself and I am finding it invaluable. I want to type the whole thing out here as it is packed full with priceless information for the enabler to feed their mind and become strong and healthy.

Though the book focuses on our adult children .. I find it can be just as helpful if the knowledge gained by reading this book was put to use on the addicted spouse too.

Need I say, "I highly recommend running down to the local library and grabbing a copy"

Passion

queenteree

nytepassion, thank you so much for your post and book suggestion!!! I have taken a long look at the part I played in the drama of my AD's life and how I have enabled. For years, I always helped her in any which way I could "because of her kids", I didn't want my little granddaughters to suffer. Thank God cps got involved, the kids were placed with me for months now. They are safe, secure and happy. I am detached from AD. She is homeless and getting kicked out of rehab after rehab .... but no more excuses. I have the kids, I take care of the kids, I love the kids, I am there for the kids ... she needs to take care of her, she's not my responsibility!!!
I am going to get that book!
Thanks again.