New and looking for advice - AS of BF

Old 05-05-2010, 08:39 PM
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New and looking for advice - AS of BF

First I want to say that I have been reading and lurking here for about two months. You are all so wonderful and supportive that I finally got up the nerve to post. (actually nerve the second first post go lost somewhere )

I will try to make this brief so that it doesn't overwhelm anyone.

I have been involved with my bf for almost two years now and he has an AS who is 19. He probably could not have used those words three months ago but in the last 6 months has come to the realization that his son's problems are extremely serious. In December I clearly set my own boundries around the situation and stipulated that if his son was high, checked out, overtly angry/aggressive, disrespectful I refused to be around him. (I have a bit of experience having had an alcoholic father) Had to follow through a few times by leaving in the middle of the night and electing not to spend time with my bf. Thankfully he respected me for my convictions and none of this has ever caused any difficulties between us.

To the point: AS got himself into some serious trouble by going on a drug induced rampage at college that got him kicked out and charged with a couple of felony assault charges. BF obtained a lawyer. Prosecutor agreed to time in rehab counting as time served. At the advice of the lawyer AS went to rehab (after much negotiation not to....but bf made it clear that was the only option he was willing to support) and missed his third court date. Court then issued a bench warrant and bf may have to forfeit his bond; even though he was told this was a formality and not to worry.

After one week in rehab (this is a long term program geared towards young adults) AS decides he want to leave as this is "not the right place for me". Center calls to warn dad and when he gets the come and save me call from the AS just restates his position that this is all he sill support and if he decides not to stay he is on his own. Kid stays after trying to negotiate - threatens to commit suicide etc. Now two weeks later during a parental followup call with the Center bf is advised that AS is trying to get himself kicked out by becoming intimately involved with someone in the program. They know this because AS told them this is what he is trying to do. Huh?

I know that addicts in early recovery do not necessarily think logically but this makes no sense to me. I guess I am looking for some advice here on what to expect. Does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior? Just looking for a benchmark on what is normal and what may be coming next.

Appreciate any feedback or advice; thank you in advance!
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Old 05-05-2010, 09:21 PM
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He's going through withdrawals and not ready to quit. Hopefully he'll last there long enough for the fog to clear, grab this opportunity. If not, he'll get kicked out and MAYBE allowed back in after a night or two away, but he'll have to convince them of his sincerity. Otherwise he's headed to jail.

Before I forget, kudos to you!
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:15 PM
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I have to say that your perspective is encouraging. I had neglected to think of this within the context of withdrawal. Hopefully the fog will clear for him sufficiently for him to know he has a great opportunity there for the taking. Best result anyone can hope for at this point.

Thank you for your warm words too!
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:35 AM
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Good for you for setting your own boundaries and sticking to them, you are your own person.

BF should continue to state what he has already stated to son - this is the ONLY option I am supporting.
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Old 05-06-2010, 10:16 PM
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cynical one,

Interesting question about the DOC and one that has us baffled frankly. Pot is the base line but he is very informed and involved with opiates I think. Need to admit here I am not as informed about all of this as many. He is very informed and according to his therapist only energized and engaged in discussion when taking about the pharmaceutical components of pshyco interactive components of over the counter drugs. As far as I know the kid has a meth pipe, steals his Mom's over the counter sleeping drugs and pain killers. Loved NA as a way to score Oxys. And the fridge in the garage was filled with whip cream canisters. Basically he seemed to use anything that he could use to check out. Perhaps he was still in the stage of choosing a DOC. To me it seemed that the form of an altered state didn't matter so long as it took (takes) him away from the reality at hand.

I agree about the lawyer and DA approach but his Dad was still in the stages of saving his only child. I respect that. But I respect even more his moving quickly (and I might add painfully) to the position of offering the kid one last chance and alternative. He very much feels that offering one last positive alternative with full support wassomething he needed to do. Perhaps for himself but hopefully it will give his son a framework to recover.

Such a very touch road for a parent......particularly one who loves his son completely. In retrospect he clearly sees where he may have set this limit earlier.....but he is doing it now with a tremendous amount of conviction I know all will relate to a huge emotional price.


I so appreciate your comments about my boundry setting......a skill learned early at a great price but one I rely on greatly. It is so very hard to watch and support someone else coming to terms with what I now do naturally. Shame anyone needs to learn these lessons and doubly tough to have to learn this as a parent.

You are all so wonderful.....thankyou! I look forward to any further insight.

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Old 05-08-2010, 06:11 AM
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Well I think both you and your BF are doing the right thing, you have your boundaries and stick to them.

Sadly that is the only thing you can control, the rest is all up to him!

All the best for you all.
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cangel2 (05-08-2010)
Old 05-08-2010, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by cangel2 View Post
Just looking for a benchmark on what is normal and what may be coming next.
Normal and addiction I think may be an oxymoron.
Well, it is in MY son's life, anyway.

I think your boundaries are right on the mark.
The problem lies with the boy's father and hold determined he will be to stick to boundaries.

Addiction is a tough road to go, I know, I'm the mother of 2 addict sons, ages 31, and 37.

Hugs to you,
and I'm so glad you posted.
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cangel2 (05-08-2010)
Old 05-08-2010, 01:21 PM
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Thank you for your insightful post. I also want to mention I just love your quote! Makes me giggle everytime I read it!

I am sorry that I am not familiar with your story but as the parent of two AS sons can you share with me some of their attempts at recovery and what involvement you found to be the healthiest for you? Having a tool box of appropriate responses and actions is probably the best thing my BF can gather now.

I agree the a good deal of the problem in the past with my BF's situation was created by his enabling behavior. I also believe that he is clear on that now and is doing his very best not to repeat his past "mistakes". So hard to learn to separate loving from enabling as everyone here knows and lives everyday.

Best to you! I appreciate your reaching out to me a great deal.
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