feel like a failure, but i'm learning
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
feel like a failure, but i'm learning
well i had a relapse big-time last week.
xabf and i still have contact. his daughter called me about his b.day a few weeks ago - although i had planned to not see him, changed and we all played tennis and had dinner. it was nice. he was hurt when i told him i was going home alone, but got over it (translation: understood).
he used my car, as he sometimes does, last week, and when he picked me up from work that day, he looked like his old self. had run out of his lexipro (and his counselor called me asking if i could help him get the rx but i said i was setting boundaries), but then he finally got it and was feeling better. i have to admit, i went right to that "hopeful place" in my heart.
the next day, we were going to connect, visit a museum (his idea) and have dinner. i texted him that i was done with work early. no reply. an hour later i texted him that since it had been over an hour, that even if he was in the shower or not by his phone at the time....that even a depressed person could send a message. said that i kept going between wanting to be supportive of him, but wanting to be treated decently. said this is so, so old.
no reply.
it felt like back when he was using.
for three days i was spinning. wanting to berate him, wanting to tell him how falling apart i was, wanting to call and just say "come".
but i didn't.
it was awful, and a reminder of how things can be - with me - when he is like this.
this is what i think i am learning:
that it doesn't matter if he is so depressed he is isolating, or has his phone off.
that he may have relapsed. it sure seemed like it. but that's not what matters.
what matters, is that i know what kind of people i want to associate with.
they need to be forthcoming, respectful, use the common courtesies of answering a person, and apologizing when they have done something wrong.
i'm getting back on solid ground now, and i have a renewed belief that the distancing myself from him, the not trying to rush in the save him when there's a problem, was and is, the right thing to do.
i guess i needed that reminder?
xabf and i still have contact. his daughter called me about his b.day a few weeks ago - although i had planned to not see him, changed and we all played tennis and had dinner. it was nice. he was hurt when i told him i was going home alone, but got over it (translation: understood).
he used my car, as he sometimes does, last week, and when he picked me up from work that day, he looked like his old self. had run out of his lexipro (and his counselor called me asking if i could help him get the rx but i said i was setting boundaries), but then he finally got it and was feeling better. i have to admit, i went right to that "hopeful place" in my heart.
the next day, we were going to connect, visit a museum (his idea) and have dinner. i texted him that i was done with work early. no reply. an hour later i texted him that since it had been over an hour, that even if he was in the shower or not by his phone at the time....that even a depressed person could send a message. said that i kept going between wanting to be supportive of him, but wanting to be treated decently. said this is so, so old.
no reply.
it felt like back when he was using.
for three days i was spinning. wanting to berate him, wanting to tell him how falling apart i was, wanting to call and just say "come".
but i didn't.
it was awful, and a reminder of how things can be - with me - when he is like this.
this is what i think i am learning:
that it doesn't matter if he is so depressed he is isolating, or has his phone off.
that he may have relapsed. it sure seemed like it. but that's not what matters.
what matters, is that i know what kind of people i want to associate with.
they need to be forthcoming, respectful, use the common courtesies of answering a person, and apologizing when they have done something wrong.
i'm getting back on solid ground now, and i have a renewed belief that the distancing myself from him, the not trying to rush in the save him when there's a problem, was and is, the right thing to do.
i guess i needed that reminder?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Sometimes we need a reminder! I know I did, and that's what helped me become stronger and stick to my boundaries the next time I was tempted. You are growing in your recovery... it is showing. He will either grow in his.. or not. But either way, YOU'RE going to be OK!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by rayofsunshine 
But either way, YOU'RE going to be OK!
Yes my friend - You are ok!
You and your HP are OK - even Better than OK!!!!!!!!!
Please remember - It's not about YOU!
There is nothing, absolutely nothing you could have done that would have changed HIS actions, behaviors, etc.
Just take the very best care of YOU
YOU DESERVE IT!!!
HUGS,
Rita
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