quick update and question
 

So I 've posted here two or three times now about a friend I am romantically interested in but not involved in a relationship yet.

After a week shy of two years clean, he relapsed. Then he relapsed a week later. He told me today over lunch that he has actually been relapsing every weekend for the past month...ever since the first relapse.


1. He said he feels in a good place now because he no longer sees any benefits to using.

2. He also said that he was debating whether or not to tell me about all of his relapse instances because he didn't want me to make him regret telling me. I guess this means he didn't want me to give him a hard time.

Frankly, these two statements don't seem to go together. If 1 were true, than he wouldn't care about 2. I also think 2 is incredibly manipulative, and the only reason I didn't say so is that I need to think about how I want to confront him on it. Statement 2 indicates that he will only continue to be honest with me if I don't give him a hard time...which means he has not decided to restart his recovery program.

He did a better job of hiding the last couple of relapses from me...the first couple of times I could easily tell. He is no longer relapsing; he is entering another active addiction phase.

When he says something that I know is either manipulative or just not truthful, should I confront him on it?

Maybe he's under the delusion that I will start a relationship with an active addict. I will not. How blunt should I be in telling him this?

He is just not committed to his recovery at this point in time. He's not going to meetings; I suspect he is not talking to his sponsor. This is very sad.

Yep he is in active addiction again.

I am at a point where I care about him enough that it is hard to simply walk away. Maybe that's what I need to do anyway.

I am at least not doing the typical co-dependent things like offer to go to an AA meeting with him or to take him to his sponsor. I've been reading Codependent No More. It has been enlightening and I am using some of the lessons I am learning from the book in my dealings with my friend.

oshkosh,

i think anvil is right on here. his addiction is alive and well, and it seems that he feels that if he owns up to it, and tells you that he's ready to be done, then all is good.

you are still struggling whether to cross the line into a full-fledged relationship. but let's think about what you know, and what you said:
you know he is not working a program
you said you will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not doing the above.

case closed?

perhaps so. I am just very sad. I really liked him.