Krys

So when I found out my bf had been using a month ago I also found out that he was using with the guy who got him into it in the first place. I know it's not this guy's fault entirely, my bf is no angel and can lead himself down a deep dark path all on his own, but was I wrong to say I did not want him around him anymore? This kid is bad news, he deals, he does every drug he can get his hands on and he hurts everyone in his path. I also told my bf that as long as this guy was in his life I knew I would worry constantly and did not think I could handle it. He agreed that he adds nothing positive to his life and that he needs to cut ties with him. He even went as far to say that they are not good for each other and they are morons together. He has spent the last month away from him and then this morning he tells me that he is going over to his house to get weed from him. My bf has been smoking weed, which I do not like, but I think he is doing it because he is still struggling and is using it to stay away from other drugs. He is seeing a therapist and trying to get a handle on his anxiety disorder and addiction, but cannot seem to do it without some form of self medicating. He is trying to learn how, but sometimes I feel like he is not trying hard enough. Then again who am I to say what is good enough. Anyway, I guess I am hurt because we were supposed to spend the day together and the weed was more important. He was supposed to be staying away from this guy and now he is hanging out with him instead of me. Am I being too controlling? I honestly don't know if I can live with this guy being a part of our lives. At the same time telling him who he can and cannot hang out with is not something that I am comfortable with. Ya know what really pissed me off is that when he told me he was going over there he said it with a smirk.Like a kid who just told his mother he skipped school and was proud of it. I do not want to be his mother, yet I feel like somehow I have ended up in that role lately. He said "At least I told you, I could have lied." This is true I guess. I hate feeling like this, I am so conflicted!

Freedom1990

So just what are you getting out of this relationship, honestly?

Personally I prefer someone who's present in life and doesn't seek chemical relief, and that includes weed.

This may be as good as it ever gets for you. Is that enough?

ANGELINA243

Drug use will always come first for a using addict. You can beg, plead, get angry etc--it doesn't change things. You can't change him or make him do what you want....and even if you could, why would you want a relationship like that? You have a choice. You don't have to be dragged right along into his addiction--you can detach--and I'm not even talking about breaking up necessarily. If his using is making you miserable--then do something about it--as far as you are concerned. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--his addiction. You can choose to stay together in this relationship (if you prefer) and set up healthy boundaries--but the key is, you have to stick by them and not cave in. I don't know how long you two have been together, but if it hasn't been long--is this something that you really want to be apart of? If he has no desire to change--which to me sounds like he outright told you he is going to use (and left to do so)....he already made his decision. Now, you have to ask yourself--what do you want?

Krys

I guess not. Ideally what I want from him is for him to gain a better understanding of his addiction and anxiety disorder. I hope that he gets that from therapy and a will to want to understand it, but I don't know if he will. I just don't want to be in this position.

Krys

Thanks angelina, we have been together 5 years...5 sober years. That's why it is so hard. I would be gone now if it weren't for those years. 2 months vs 5 years, it is hard to walk away. I guess for the time being I do need to detach. I've been doing that off and on, but I guess it does not work that way.

Freedom1990

I'm curious. What do you think his 'understanding' of addiction would fix?

Krys

Hi Freedom. I don't think it would fix anything, but I do think that having a basic understanding of what he is dealing with could help. He got sober before by cutting himself off from the people he was using with and for his son. He did not learn about addiction, he white knuckled it, which I think is why we are where we are now. He suppressed it, but he did not face it. I don't know if I explained that right, but I think you get what I mean. There was no therapy, no talk of triggers, he made no sober friends, and he put himself in situations that could lead to using. He has made great strides, but his anxiety disorder was also never addressed. The anxiety disorder was medicated, but he never went to therapy or learned other ways to control it either.

Krys

BTW, thanks for letting me vent guys...this room has been a huge help to a newbie like myself.

outonalimb

Krys,

You ask if you have a right to be angry. I'd say yes, you have a right to that emotion...The question is...where does the anger come from? It sounds like your angry that he's still using, still associating with someone who uses, and doesn't think he has a problem that needs fixing. If he thought he had a problem and he sincerely wanted change in his life, he wouldn't be doing the things you describe.

So you want him to change.
He doens't want to change.
And that leaves you feeling angry.

Not trying to oversimplify...I know its not quite that simple...but yet again, it is.

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will put him on the path you think he belongs on. No amount of lecturing, recommending, encouraging, reasoning, loving, worrying, fighting, stewing, crying, hoping or even praying will get him there.

He has a right to live his life however he chooses.

And you do to.

It sounds like you have all your energy focused on HIM and what he OUGHT TO BE doing.
Your efforts are in vain.
Take that love and energy and direct it towards yourself.
Focus on YOU.
What do you want?
When you can answer that question and it doesn't revolve aorund what your bf might be doing, you'll find peace in your life.

Keep searching.

Krys

Thank you Outonalimb. That post was very helpful. I knew all of that, but I needed to be reminded. It's easy to get sucked into what he is doing and forget about myself. I read some of the codependent no more thread and definitely see myself in it. That blows, but at least I know now. I think I will try to wrangle myself a copy of that book, lord knows I need it! For now I will focus on letting him figure out his own life and will try to focus on my own.

OceanSize

here's where i am crazy:

i am envious that you get to "let him" figure it out and figure yourself out and still be together.

however, at the same time, i'm starting to really revel in my recent alone time.

the truth of my situation is that he and i have enough unfinished "business" that we will more than likely communicate again.

the truth of what i want out of it is that i do want to remain in a partnership.

the truth of what IS is that right now we are not communicating or living together. (we were)

the truth is that i do miss him. he's my best friend.

and he's in a world of poo. (poo, what a great word). and i'm just gonna take care of myself and continue to lick my own wounds, learn more about myself and refrain from contacting him even though i miss him.

but i'm aware: i have this envy. And yet, when we were together, there was pain and envy in other ways. envy of couples who make plans in advance, envy of couples who go out and socialize. i was envious of women who had men who cheered them on with more than just gifts, but with full emotional and moral support.

the truth is that My whatever-he-is-to-me-now has a clinical depression problem (possibly bi polar) and is unmedicated with anything other than marijuana in large doses.

i love him, and i write on these boards instead of reaching out to him. I come here about once a day to deal with these feelings. i have therapy and go to meetings.

i secretly wonder when i will hear from him. i secretly hope that by doing the right thing, i will hear from him again.

BUT then the truth again: the truth is that everyday i deal with this, i become a little bit stronger and more aware of myself.

and then i wonder if this blessing in disguise will yield an outcome of love.

i miss him so.

and i like me.

i am confused, conflicted and introspective. overall, i'm also (dare i say) a little content. i have a life, i have friends, i can pay my rent if i keep working hard. and i am. and i do.

life is not so bad.

i love him still. it's not a fantasy. i'm becoming more aware that it's him. he is sick. and there's nothing i can do to help him figure that part out. i can't just make soup to help him. but boy do i want to, and that's what i'm trying to figure out too.

still, it's him. i do love him. and i want to be careful not to confuse health with the refusal to believe in love.

Krys

You are not crazy, I think that way all the time. I am envious of all of you for being able to say enough...even though you miss him, you were strong enough to take care of yourself and make it on your own. We have good days, and I think I am so lucky and that he is going to get it and we will be fine. I have bad days when I hate him and I want nothing more than to hurt him the way his addiction has hurt me. I don't do it, but trust me I have imagined a 1000 ways to get back at him. I struggle everyday against my desire to take the reigns away from him and take over so that we don't go down...then I remember I don't have to go down with him and that I need to let him figure it out on his own. I have no control and oddly enough sometimes that makes me feel better. I feel crazy some days, and healthy other days. On bad days I am envious of YOU and everyone here that made it out...still in love or not. You are not crazy, well no more crazy than the rest of us!!

coffeedrinker

krys,

i had those good days/bad days myself. for a couple of years. it now feels like such a waste.

barbdwyer calls it SPINNING, and that is exactly what it is.

so, you just recently had the surgeries? i'm trying to guess the timeline of what's going on, just to have a picture.

here are some thoughts:

it strikes me as odd that you only knew him clean and sober, clean for six years, yet you thought you should have known better than to bring the percoset into the house after your hospitalization. did he tell you, or otherwise let you know that he didn't think he could trust himself around meds like that? cuz i don't question whether or not i can have rx medications around clean and sober people.

i understand white-knucking it. it's not Real sobriety. if someone's in that state, they are always a half-step away from using.

i think, if he really truly wants to be clean and sober, he would not be smoking weed, nor hanging with the "friend". my xabf said many, many times that he knows he "shouldn't" be associating with some of his old using friends. then he was associating because he was dealing. he just didn't want to completely give up the life. it's like my alcoholic yet sober mother who liked to still go out with her friends who would have cocktails with dinner. something about them drinking at the table with her, she liked.

i also understand that he's trying to figure things out. but, imo, he has not surrendered. he is one of millions of addicts who think they can do it "their way". again, imo, he cannot. i've seen this so many, many times.

you are second-guessing yourself every other minute. this, too, i get - completely.
do you have the "right" to be angry, to have expectations, to make demands, or tell him it's not good enough? here on s/r we say "hands off the addict". but, how do you reconcile the two? "hands off" and "but i feel that something's not right" ??

it's a struggle.

here is a part of my story:

i believed my xabf was clean for about three years. then, i started sensing he had relapsed. i was talking to him about it, and he told me that one time, several months earlier, he left the house. he didn't go to his friend's to get high; he went to this friend's place off and on have known each other for years. but, he ended up there, and he used. he od'd. they had narcan to give him, so he came back, but it was close. it was a dramatic story, and his voice betrayed the emotions of having almost killed himself. then he looked at me and said, "and that was the last time i used." i had no choice but to believe him - i didn't understand why he was acting like he had relapsed, but what he said about the overdose....
well, he lied. and what a lot of us will say is that the lie was worse than the deed they lied about.

what i didn't know about then, but i think i do now, is that your instincts point you to a truth. we push down our gut feelings, when they are pointing us to something that is too painful or awful for us to want to deal with.

i don't know your boyfriend/husband. but from what you've posted, something is not feeling right about his six years of sobriety, and his one temptation taking him back into active addiction.
again, my story, but my x also has depression - some pretty severe dep. sometimes. once when we were talking about it, he said he didn't know which was the chicken and which was the egg. that maybe he wasn't born with it, but after years and years of drug use, and the accompanying lifestyle, he has these problems now, and they are debilitating.
and an addict who is in active addiction CANNOT successfully treat his mental illness. the addiction issues take a front seat.

Krys

Thank you Coffee Drinker. I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I think unfortunately I am going to have to falter for a bit here and there, but I am going to give myself a time limit. I do not want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I'm thinking 6 months should be a good amount of time to see if he gets serious and cleans up for real. He came to me on his own today and said "I realized something I think you already knew...I can't smoke weed. It's wrong and I cannot do it once in a while, I have to do it everyday. I am going to stop now." I did not put that on him (I was pretty hands off with the weed, I just made it known that I did not like it.) so this was a surprise. He also came to me yesterday and said that while he was with the "friend" the other day the friend said something like "I feel great, I am off the Suboxone and I will never be on it for that long again" (he was on it for 3 months) he then added "I am not saying I will never do a pill again, I can still do one once in a while, it's no big deal...I just won't do enough to need the Suboxone for that long again." My bf then said to me "It was the first time I felt like you probably feel...like I am not listening to Jim, I am hearing his drug addict lie and rationalize. I just wanted to leave." It's these moments of clarity that give me hope, guarded hope, but hope. In the meantime I will take care of me, I will go to therapy, do the work and prepare for the worst. I hope I don't have to meet it face to face though.