Jenny1232

I think I've become shallow.

I have a best friend, of twelve years. She's always been into drugs. Well a few months ago, she told me she'd been snorting heroin. She swore she'd never shoot up.. I knew better. I did everything in my power to help her. My ex and I, took her and her daughter to the aquarium, we let her come over and spend time with us (when we didnt even want to be around her), we invited her everywhere, to keep her away from her druggie friends.

Well, that plan failed. I then, started my own recovery from co-dependency.

I cut off my communication with her. Maybe not the best, or the nicest. I just didn't really want to be around her anymore. She knows I'm anti-drugs, and she started snorting in front of me, and bringing her druggie friends around us. I no longer wanted to be apart of this.

However.. I never directly said that to her. Just stopped really responding to her calls.. and went from hanging out everyday, to not at all.

Well, she sent me a text last night. She said, things had gotten BAD! She'd been shooting in the neck, doing a bundle a day. Not that I even knew what that was, but it's a lot.

All I thought was, no surprise here. I found myself becoming very cold. I told her, now wasn't the time. That I had not one sympathetic bone in my body for her situation. I told her I loved her, and I wished her well. However, I got pretty bluntly rude.

I said she was making a choice to do this. If she wanted to quit, she needed to remove herself from her druggie friends and enter rehab. She said she didn't want to lose her job, and I told her she'd lose a lot more than her job if she didn't. I told her she needed to take a step back and really assess what's most important. She works, with ALL these druggies. It seems like everyone in our hometown is shooting up. So, I feel like, she doesn't want to lose her job, because she doesn't want to cut off connection.

I feel mean. I was downright cold. I just.. man, I've gotten MEAN. I'm angry, all the time now.



I feel kind of bad.. but I can't help this girl. She's a lost cause in my eyes. She's been doing drugs for ever ten years, since she was twelve. I can't save her, and I won't wear myself out trying anymore...

Impurrfect

(((Jenny))) - I'm an RA and I can tell you that what you did was, in NO WAY mean....it was actually the most loving thing you can do for her. It took my family and loved ones telling me, basically "we love you, but we don't want anything to do with you", along with having to deal with my consequences to get me to my bottom and seek recovery.

You did good, sweetie, you really did. I know it's hard....I'm a codie with addict loved ones, too, and it's hard.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jenny1232

Amy,

Thank you for shedding light. She may not see it that way.. because she finally stopped responding to me. I can't help but feel bad over how rude I was, but thank you for telling me it's okay. I thought people were going to tell me that it was cold, and you don't treat loved ones that way.

I feel a lot better about the situation! I mean, as cold as I acted, I can't help but worry about her. She's going to die.. She's got a three year old daughter, who doesn't have an active father role in her life (he's in prison). I feel for the daughter.. as she's either away from her mother.. or on drug missions.

Her family, is kind of.. eh. As long as she's got her drug buddies.. I don't see much happening. Her whole family.. and what few sober friends could write it her off, and it wouldn't matter. She's got a slew of losers to get high with.

It's CPS, who might make a difference...

Christen

You did the right thing. You did the right thing. You did the right thing. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Just thought you needed to hear that. Think of it this way- your decision to detach could be the wake up call that makes her want to seek treatment....... or not. Either way you have made it clear that you are taking care of you. And we all (including me) benefit from stories like yours--- having the courage to not be a part of the madness. So thank you.

Christen

You did the right thing. You did the right thing. You did the right thing. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Just thought you needed to hear that. Think of it this way- your decision to detach could be the wake up call that makes her want to seek treatment....... or not. Either way you have made it clear that you are taking care of you. And we all (including me) benefit from stories like yours--- having the courage to not be a part of the madness. So thank you.

LGLG07

AGREED , You absolutely did the right thing !

She doesnt see it that way because shes actively using . She will never see it that way until shes clean and in recovery and she will never be clean and in recovery until she wants to be . Nothing you can do to help her but let her go . You definitely did the right thing .

Also try to remember by keeping them in our lives we make ourselves nuts . Trying to help somebody stay clean when they dont want to stay clean just opens us up to being lied to and betrayed . Dont put yourself in those situations anymore . If nothing changes then nothing changes . We teach people how to treat us and if we stick around when they lie and cheat we are sending a clear msg that its ok to treat us that way because thats all we are worth . They certainly arent going to leave us , we let them walk all over us why would they ??? So we have to take a stand and leave them , we have to make the change to better our lives and ourselves .

86753091

Jenny,

I appreciate a woman who knows her own bounds and holds her family in high enough regard to not let her friends do possible damage.

Don't be angry with yourself, you're doing the right thing.

Enjoy the life you've created and allow yourself to feel sympathy for others who haven't been fortunate enough to enjoy your path. Just keep on not letting it affect your family.

I hope your friend finds her path to sobriety soon.

cb

So many Jennys, so little time.

Krys

Hey Jenny, I had to do the same thing a few years back. I was friends with a girl for 15 years, and finally had enough. She sucked the life out of me and it just was not healthy. I was there for her, but she was never there for me. Anyhoo, I think we all tend to give a lot of ourselves and that is what these types of people love about us. We never say no, we are always there for them, we are often the only people left in their lives that have not burned out. Unfortunately it is not healthy for US. While we are looking out for them, who is looking out for us? NO ONE. It is perfectly loving and acceptable to say I love you, but I will not watch you destroy yourself or take me down with you. You seem to really be taking control of you life even though I know you feel out of control right now. A therapist is a great idea, I just recently started seeing one of my own and it has been a life saver. It's something I can do for myself that makes me feel better, and more importantly gives me a fresh perspective on things. Oh and it's nice to have someone on my side too! I can not stress this enough...do things for yourself no matter how small. Every little step will make you feel stronger.

Jenny1232

You know, I've been calling therapist all morning.. and it sucks. Every appointment has to be pushed back a few weeks. I need therapy NOW! I'm searching for someone who offers evening appointments, and it's tough!

Krys, how did your friend take it when you cut ties? I'm not too sure mine even cares. I mean, her brain is FRIED. She's been using drugs since she was 12. Every drug, without much of a period of sobriety. Is there even hope for that? She never fully developed...

86753091

I'm sure she thinks kindly of you when she's able to think clearly. I'm gonna bet what little memories she has of you are good ones, but she's on some pretty powerful drugs.

The all consuming kind.

Chino

Jenny, when I was 14 years old I was lashing out at the world and my behavior reflected it. The mother of one of my friends spoke with me, one on one, face to face. She said she'd no longer allow her daughter to hang out with me, until my world was stable again. It hurt like hell to hear it but I respected her honesty then and obviously still do now, since I remember it. Something else she gave me was validation that my world was screwed up, while everyone else was in denial.

You gave your friend a precious gift

Jenny1232

Actually, here lies the problem. Her memories of me are consumed by getting drunk or high, or popping pills. We NEVER hung out sober, it was always to get high. A few years passed, and I changed drastically. I think she still clung to the "fun" me... because she started to call me lame, since I like to be in bed by 9pm on a sunday.

I moved foward five years ago. She stayed in place. We still... stayed best friends. I would only drink with her. Then, I got sick of drinking. We'd hang out and do nothing, but I don't think she could tolerate that too much.. as she tried to make me do "nothing" with her.. with her druggie friends.

coffeedrinker

don't you guys think that if an addict reaches out like this woman did - not blaming, not responding to an ultimatum, not someone who uses the statement "i'll get sober" to manipulate, but asking for help - that you should - IF YOU WANT TO - respond by offering support? isn't it possible to be their cheerleader from the sidelines, to be supportive without being an enabler?

wishiknew

Support from a distance. When they use to this degree they can be dangerous.

Krys

When I cut ties with her she emailed me and blasted me for pretty much nothing. She was so screwed up I don't think she remembered half the stuff she said or did to me and talking to her about it was like banging my head off of a brick wall. A few weeks later she sent me another email apologizing but I did not respond. She has sent several since, and since her brother and my bf are friends she has tried to get to me through them as well. She has not changed and the way I see it, I don't trust her and she drains the life out of me without giving anything back so I see no point in letting her back in. As far as therapists go, I had to wait a week, but also needed to call a few before finding one. They are out there...don't give up.

Krys

I probably should have added that even when she is not using (one time...when she was pregnant) she was still narcissistic, and did not care about anyone else. This girl would literally talk to me about her life 4 times a day for as long as I would let her, and then when I tried to talk to her about something that was going on in my life she had to go. Her brother is the same way, pills, coke, couldn't care less about what is going on in my bf's life even when he is sober (he's had a few periods of sobriety). My point is, if she was a good friend but just happened to be a drug addict I would have done what the ladies above had said. I would have cheered her on, but I would have distanced myself.

Carol Star

This is what I had to do with my husband. I am worried about your friend's 3 yr. old.........

Jenny1232

I too, am worried about her three year old. This girl.. I won't even go into it. She's put through hell, and doesn't get the proper attention she needs. Yes, she's clothed and fed.. but that's about it.

Coffeedrinker, I do agree. I don't think she was even looking for support. She was looking for shock. She's always laughing about her usage, etc. I saw her status on facebook the very next day, and it was about how she was having a great time, hanging out with her druggie friends. She doesn't want help; she wants attention.

86753091

I'm sure we've all taken someone to a meeting. It makes it easy for me to live with myself by taking anyone who wants to go, as opposed to taking a dear addicted friend. Timing is very important and you may not always be the person available for your friend in the moment, so I think it's a good idea to be a friend to whoever wants the assistance. Reaching out is simple and can be done in a non-enabling way, just not always to the person you wish would take it.

cb