ThatLittleGirl

So, all week I've been trying to figure out tools for controlling my compulsions where my addict husband is concerned. This is going to be hard to explain...but I'm good at being focused on me and not my AH's addiction until I experience a "trigger"...usually when I'm around him. An example, on Sunday we went to take pictures in the bluebonnets with the girls (it's an annual tradition for us)...anyway, I noticed he was grinding. Boom, instant trigger for me. I DIDN'T want to, but I felt compelled to start grilling him about drugs...I tried to be subtle, but I wanted to get the questions I had out and I wanted answers. In my head I'm thinking...he's going to lie...he's going to manipulate...but I don't care, I want to know. Of course, I got no where; except frustrated...and pi$$ed-off...and the rest of my day ruined.

Does anyone have any road blocks that they use to trip-themselves up before they start full force down this path??? I've tried saying the serenity prayer, but it's not enough...I've tried exercising, but when I'm done, I still feel like an invisible force is pushing me to confront him. It's frustrating...I'm OK if he's not around, but when he is and I see a trigger...it's all over... I get "crazy" obsessed with finding, questioning, etc...AH about his drug use.

Just wondering if there are any tools I can use to not allow his behaviors to trigger me as effectively as they do...

Chino

That was really hard for me, too, and I had to do a lot of soul searching. Confrontation had become a nasty habit and it predated my daughter's addiction. My first impulse is and always will be fight instead of flight. I started asking myself do I really want to suffer the after effects of a confrontation with an active addict? I had to constantly remind myself that her addiction did not rule me too, unless I allowed it. Eventually it stuck.

Christen

Dear Friend,

My husband is also an addict. I have some suggestions, but honestly I have a LONG way to go in this area too. And I also see many triggers right when he gets home from work. And I drive myself nuts thinking- am I paranoid or is he high? is he tired from work or is he high? why does he have energy? maybe he is high? he doesn't look so great, maybe he is high? Gosh when I type it out it seems so pathetic... Now if my gut tells me to ask him, I ask him flat out in 2 sentences- "you on drugs? (he says no) You sure? (he says no)" And if he's lying I can tell in his body language...

When I get into "crazy mode" I do my best to stay busy until my "fit" is over. I find that when I'm bored is when my mind wanders on bad stuff... If it's about time for him to come home & I'm still ina fit- I leave. I'll stop by a friend's house, walk my dog, go to tim hortons for coffee, or even running errands can help. I have jumped his a$$ so many times right after work, & I have learned THAT'S NOT COOL. It's better for me to not be around him at all when I'm in "crazy mode". And usually I can talk myself out of having a fit. Of course, an occasional fit happens. And I feel like a failure when it does... But they are happening less often. So I guess it's improving.

Anyways, good luck. LOL It sounds like we could be twins. Take care of yourself.

hello-kitty

As an addict, I have to avoid triggers. It's truly life and death form me.

At first after I read your post, I thought well avoiding your husband will be tough since you still pick bluebonnets etc with him.

However what you can do avoid is picking bluebonnets with him when he grinds his teeth. Maybe teethgrinding is a trigger for you that your husband is using drugs. And with good reason.

So maybe you need to set some simple boundaries and enforce them. If using it's doubtful he's going to come out and tell you. He's an addict and he will lie to protect his addiction. Therefore you need to learn to trust your gut. Trust your instincts. Triggers can be a warning because once you learn to recognize them, your next step is to learn to do whatever it takes to avoid them.

shebagirl

I think I am in the same boat myself. I haven't seen my husband all day but every time I talked to him today, something wasn't right and of course my first thought is he is messed up. So I am going to have to the fight urge to say something myself tonight. It is so hard because there is completely no point to ask when he is that way. Because he will deny, deny, and deny!

I think the above post about trusting your gut is the best advice. I know it would be nice for them to admit it to you; but you and I know that is probably not going to happen. So why bring it up?? Will it change anything?

Now I am thinking to myself once again: Why to I continue to do this to myself? Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, right?

sofacat

Personally, I wasn't capable of not "probing" when suspicious. I wasn't strong enough in my own "codie" rehabilitation to be faced with triggers and not react to them.

I have some space between us now so i can work on myself and try to understand the need to want to control everything and everyone. It's helping so much.

Give yourself some time....just like he has to. You're both going to be faced with triggers of your own...it's just finding coping skills that will help you get through it....like coming to SR, for example. If you're feeling that "pulling" to probe....take a time out and just come here...or go to a meeting. We all get it.

ThatLittleGirl

My first impulse is and always will be fight instead of flight. - That is me too...I have no qualms about confronting him about his issues...And you're right...it's harder on me emotionally, I believe, than him after it's over...I'm the one who's up half the night rehashing the whole fight...

I do my best to stay busy until my "fit" is over. - Come to think of it...this does work for me. If I'm busy around the house or with the girls...I don't pay attention to him...and so I don't really notice his "trigger" behaviors as much...

If using it's doubtful he's going to come out and tell you. He's an addict and he will lie to protect his addiction. Therefore you need to learn to trust your gut. Trust your instincts. - You are so right...I need to remember this...and not let myself go there in the first place!

It is so hard because there is completely no point to ask when he is that way. Because he will deny, deny, and deny! - Yep...that my addict husband to a tee...deny, deny, deny...I ask myself the same question...why am I doing this...still???

Personally, I wasn't capable of not "probing" when suspicious. I wasn't strong enough in my own "codie" rehabilitation to be faced with triggers and not react to them.

I have some space between us now so i can work on myself and try to understand the need to want to control everything and everyone. It's helping so much. - I'm with you on this...I truly believe until I'm healthier and more grounded in the steps, I will have to have space. I actually went to an attorney on Monday and am in the process of filing for a divorce. So, in about 4 months, my AH will be my exAH. My hope is that time and space will heal all...

Thank you all...I have a personality type that likes examples and tools to work with...I don't want to be a puppet on a string any longer to his addiction. I've come a long way, and I am proud of my progress...but Sunday was a complete disaster. He even said, "I can see changes in you...but I don't know what happened on Sunday". I just wanted to scream...But truly, I allowed his behaviors to trigger my co-dependency into high gear..., and I hope one day I won't.