pinkrose77

My (ex) guy went to detox this morning. its wednesday. i just found out monday morning that he was using, and we broke up. i told him i would talk to him when he got help. he's getting help. but i'm still so confused. a part of me wants to punch him in his face for lying to me and hurting me, but the other part of me wants to wrap my arms around him and give him all the love and encouragement i have in my heart. the only problem with the latter is- i don't know what will happen when he gets out of rehab. i have barely had time to process my feelings about this whole situation. i just don't know what to do.

pinkrose77

I just don't want him to think I'm abandoning him. through all this I see all the good in him. I just want him to see it to. I know its a situation that's completely out of my control, but it doesn't make it any easier.

suki44883

His focus during this time should be only on what is going on inside rehab, not anything outside, including you. Leave him to do what he needs to do to help himself.

hello-kitty

Allow him to find recovery on his own pinkrose. Giving him space and time to do this is not abandonment. He needs to be able to focus on HIS FEELINGS about his situation, not your opinion of his situation (good or bad).

It's good you recognize that you cannot control his situation. The next step is to start focusing on things you can control - your behavior. Your personal boudaries. Now that he is gone, it's truly important to work on yourself and your personal boudaries.

Make a list. What are your values? What do you want out of life? What are your goals? What are your boundaries? What are the consequences if someone violates them? These things are for you. They cannot be dependent on him and his recovery. WORK THE RECOVERY YOU WANT HIM TO WORK.

Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them.

pinkrose77

he called me last night before he left and asked if i was going to start dating other people when he's gone. of course the answer is no. i am in no position to be dating anyone, and neither is he, but i just don't want him to worry about it. and eventually i want to get to a point where we can be a part of eachother's lives in some way. he's my first love.

dopedout

I found out Thursday via a phone call that my wife had left to go to her hometown 12 hrs away for detox/rehab, and she checked in on Monday.

Every.Single.Minute of today, just like yesterday and the day before, all I can think about is talking to her. I know she's hurting and I'm so upset with her for leaving like she did and all i want to do is exactly what you want to do...

Try your best to let him be. I just want to send her a text that says 'i love you' or 'hang in there' or 'we're proud of you' but I'm not -- this is what I tell myself: She may appreciate it, or it may reach her at a time when she's not feeling well and it may be unwanted. But: her getting a text from me with that message at any given time will not be the difference between her getting better and not getting better, nor between her coming back to me or not. So, even if it gets to her at a good time and it's helpful to her, it's not anything she either doesn't already know or can't wait to hear later, at a better time.

I hope this helps. It's not making me feel any better, but it's helping me do what I need to do, which is give her space to heal on her own. I just started crying as I wrote that. I know it's hard. But you can do it.

pinkrose77

thanks dopedout. i am so sorry that you're struggling in a similar situation, but your advice helped a lot. i just want him to get better, i see the good in him. even if he doesn't. i just don't know what the future holds for us, and it definitely is not going to go back to the way it was when he gets back. the last text he sent was "my heart will be on reserve for you until you say its over forever" but im in no position to make that choice right now.

PinkPixie

Let him work on himself and in the mean time you can work on being the best you can be. Hang in there!

OceanSize

i am now in a similar position - my axbf (well, i don't know what we are anymore) (and it doesn't matter - the labels don't matter) has written to me telling me he is seeking treatment for himself, he thinks about me, and he's not trying to hurt me, he knows he's got a problem.

not responding with "congrats! you can do it! i love you! you are my soulmate, i'll be here when you are ready!" is extremely difficult.

i just know, now that he's admitting his problem, that i can't control the outcome.

and boy oh boy, i'm scared. but also know, that if he ever does come back to me, i need to be the best possible me i can be. not for him, but for me.