I'm Scared and Freaking Out!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
I'm Scared and Freaking Out!!!
I have been off and on here for the past few months so my original story will not be too hard to find. I don't want to bore you with all the details again.
Long story short, my husband is an alcoholic and drug addict (opiates). He's not drinking now but the pills have gotten out of hand. This has been going on for years and I am finally over it and just want to move on. He left about 3 months ago and was gone for a few weeks. We had an agreement that when he came back, he was going to get help and if he was caught taking them again, he had to leave for good. Well, here we are....I don't think he has ever stopped but now I have proof that he is still using. He has become a totally different person...I don't know him at all anymore. He has reached to lows that I never thought I would see. He's in trouble with money again and just a few days ago he was caught going through his moms purse stealing her meds. I told him he needs to leave and that I can't take it anymore. He goes back and forth from being understanding that he is the problem and he needs to go and then a short while later he is telling me that it's my decision...I am the one giving up. Why do they do this? Why do I feel like crap about it when I know its not me? I've been there for him wayyy too long and I just want my kids and I to move on. It's best for us all. He told me last night that I need to let him know what I want him to do....if he needs to make long term plans for living arrangements and if we are getting divorced. If so, he has some things he needs to do. That scares me and I don't want him to know it. I want him to leave...I'm done but since I am a stay at home mom and the kids are about out for summer break, I have a feeling that he is going to try and screw me around with the money. That is the last hold he has on me. I'm really freaking out because I know what I want but I am terrified at what is gonna happen to me and the kids. It's all going to happen fast. I say to myself "whatever happens, happens" but now that it's time for me to live by that, I can't!! I'm not a gambler....I like everything to be planned and now I am losing control of everything! What is my first step? Should I see a lawyer right away? How fast do they set into motion whats going to happen with the money? How do I protect the kids? Obviously I want full custody and I doubt that will be a problem but will they put that on paper quickly? It's so much not knowing that is killing me! He's putting me on the spot that I need to tell him tonight!!! I'm sorry if I'm rambling....I am just scared out of my mind and hate walking into the unknown!!!
Long story short, my husband is an alcoholic and drug addict (opiates). He's not drinking now but the pills have gotten out of hand. This has been going on for years and I am finally over it and just want to move on. He left about 3 months ago and was gone for a few weeks. We had an agreement that when he came back, he was going to get help and if he was caught taking them again, he had to leave for good. Well, here we are....I don't think he has ever stopped but now I have proof that he is still using. He has become a totally different person...I don't know him at all anymore. He has reached to lows that I never thought I would see. He's in trouble with money again and just a few days ago he was caught going through his moms purse stealing her meds. I told him he needs to leave and that I can't take it anymore. He goes back and forth from being understanding that he is the problem and he needs to go and then a short while later he is telling me that it's my decision...I am the one giving up. Why do they do this? Why do I feel like crap about it when I know its not me? I've been there for him wayyy too long and I just want my kids and I to move on. It's best for us all. He told me last night that I need to let him know what I want him to do....if he needs to make long term plans for living arrangements and if we are getting divorced. If so, he has some things he needs to do. That scares me and I don't want him to know it. I want him to leave...I'm done but since I am a stay at home mom and the kids are about out for summer break, I have a feeling that he is going to try and screw me around with the money. That is the last hold he has on me. I'm really freaking out because I know what I want but I am terrified at what is gonna happen to me and the kids. It's all going to happen fast. I say to myself "whatever happens, happens" but now that it's time for me to live by that, I can't!! I'm not a gambler....I like everything to be planned and now I am losing control of everything! What is my first step? Should I see a lawyer right away? How fast do they set into motion whats going to happen with the money? How do I protect the kids? Obviously I want full custody and I doubt that will be a problem but will they put that on paper quickly? It's so much not knowing that is killing me! He's putting me on the spot that I need to tell him tonight!!! I'm sorry if I'm rambling....I am just scared out of my mind and hate walking into the unknown!!!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
WOW! ZOOOOM!
Okay first thing - breathe! Just take a breath.
You've already done the wisest thing and that's coming here
to get your head sorted out
and be with your friends.
ok.
Can't do anything with a racing mind.
have a coffee - catch the morning news...
nothing is going to happen in its entirety in the next ten minutes.
You don't have to go running around like a chicken with your head cut off either.
Be sane.
Be smart.
These women on these boards know a LOT about the topic.
Listen to them.
Weigh it out, what they tell you.
Do you have a 3-D recovery support circle?
Nar-Anon-or-AlAnon??
This would be the time to make that call.
The first thing anyone needs is a plan.
Okay first thing - breathe! Just take a breath.
You've already done the wisest thing and that's coming here
to get your head sorted out
and be with your friends.
ok.
Can't do anything with a racing mind.
have a coffee - catch the morning news...
nothing is going to happen in its entirety in the next ten minutes.
You don't have to go running around like a chicken with your head cut off either.
Be sane.
Be smart.
These women on these boards know a LOT about the topic.
Listen to them.
Weigh it out, what they tell you.
Do you have a 3-D recovery support circle?
Nar-Anon-or-AlAnon??
This would be the time to make that call.
The first thing anyone needs is a plan.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I agree with Barb firekitty-
One thing at a time and easy does it.
Make a plan, keep it safe, and take one little step each day towards reaching your goal.
I know it's hard, but try to stay in the moment, don't awfulize the future or child custody or any of that. Just do the next right thing and stick to your plan.
peace-
b
One thing at a time and easy does it.
Make a plan, keep it safe, and take one little step each day towards reaching your goal.
I know it's hard, but try to stay in the moment, don't awfulize the future or child custody or any of that. Just do the next right thing and stick to your plan.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by firekitty 
He told me last night that I need to let him know what I want him to do....if he needs to make long term plans for living arrangements and if we are getting divorced. If so, he has some things he needs to do. That scares me and I don't want him to know it.
In other words... If you tell you hubby about your plans.... you give him leverage and power over your future... so if/when you tell your hubby anything... tell him on a need to know basis....preferably when it is in your favor.
I hope this helps some.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
First things first. You don't have to figure everything out right now - you just need to have a plan to ensure the kids are safe and that they have shelter, food and stability. Once you have those things, then you figure out the next steps.
Just because he says "jump" doesn't mean you ask how high and when. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean you have to give it too him. It's a chinese firedrill. And it's manipulation.
He's a big boy. He can work out his stuff on his own. His issues are not your responsibility. His issues are caused by his drug addiction.
But I definitely suggest you stop treading water and start moving forward one step at a time so you can provide a stable healthy environment for your children to grow up in.
Good luck and come back more often to let us know how things are going. It may help you keep yourself and your future on track.
Just because he says "jump" doesn't mean you ask how high and when. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean you have to give it too him. It's a chinese firedrill. And it's manipulation.
He's a big boy. He can work out his stuff on his own. His issues are not your responsibility. His issues are caused by his drug addiction.
But I definitely suggest you stop treading water and start moving forward one step at a time so you can provide a stable healthy environment for your children to grow up in.
Good luck and come back more often to let us know how things are going. It may help you keep yourself and your future on track.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
thanks for all the replies. Your advice means alot to me. I have been thinking all day what is the best way to handle it. I don't really want to throw out any words with him that may cause him to snap. He's never been the kind of person that would do something violent but I don't really know him anymore either. I'm thinking it will be best for me to tell him we need to separate for a while and then re-think things later depending on how he is doing. That will buy me some time to get him out and talk to a lawyer. I want to be done with this lifestyle but don't want to tell him how done I am until he is out of the house.
He has never held money over my head before because despite his addiction, he has always took care of me and the kids financially. But I have a gut feeling that he is in trouble with money. He went to my mom last week asking for 600.00 to bail him out at work so he would not get fired. She did not give it to him of course but I think that was just how much he needed at the time....he probably owes way more than that.
This has consumed him so much now that he's out for only himself 100% of the time! I have a feeling once he leaves here, he will lose his job and then who knows what. It's like I can see it clearly as day. I can feel all h*ll is about to bring loose!!
He has never held money over my head before because despite his addiction, he has always took care of me and the kids financially. But I have a gut feeling that he is in trouble with money. He went to my mom last week asking for 600.00 to bail him out at work so he would not get fired. She did not give it to him of course but I think that was just how much he needed at the time....he probably owes way more than that.
This has consumed him so much now that he's out for only himself 100% of the time! I have a feeling once he leaves here, he will lose his job and then who knows what. It's like I can see it clearly as day. I can feel all h*ll is about to bring loose!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
how are you doing today, fire?
have you secured everything that you are able to? checking accounts, jewelry, stuff that he can pawn? he is desperate, so don't take chances. i remember a time when i had car keys inside of my pants (underwear), and hung my purse on a hanger, inside a coat or dress, in the closet. i also had the best hiding place - in a ziploc bag inside of the dirt of a plant. crazy, but at least i knew if he snapped, stuff would be safe.
have you secured everything that you are able to? checking accounts, jewelry, stuff that he can pawn? he is desperate, so don't take chances. i remember a time when i had car keys inside of my pants (underwear), and hung my purse on a hanger, inside a coat or dress, in the closet. i also had the best hiding place - in a ziploc bag inside of the dirt of a plant. crazy, but at least i knew if he snapped, stuff would be safe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi and welcome. I live in NC too. Before you do anything, go see a lawyer. Most attorneys have free consultations and can give you a "check list" of sorts of what to do and what to expect. You have to be legally separated for 12 full months before you can get a divorce. A seperation agreement will address who pays what bills, child support, custody, visitation, living arrangements etc. It's a valuable document.
Check it out.
My husband was also into opiates and things progressed rapidly. Anything that wasn't nailed down or would obviously be missed ended up in pawn shops and such as it is that the laws protect us.....I couldn't get my own stuff out of the pawn shop even though I had the same last name and address as my husband. They wouldn't even tell me if he had pawned anything at their shop. I didn't want to pay for my own property but it was mine (or the kids) and I wanted it back.
Welcome again and I look forward to seeing more posts from you!.
Check it out.
My husband was also into opiates and things progressed rapidly. Anything that wasn't nailed down or would obviously be missed ended up in pawn shops and such as it is that the laws protect us.....I couldn't get my own stuff out of the pawn shop even though I had the same last name and address as my husband. They wouldn't even tell me if he had pawned anything at their shop. I didn't want to pay for my own property but it was mine (or the kids) and I wanted it back.
Welcome again and I look forward to seeing more posts from you!.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
