wishiknew

Hello All. I was here a little over 2 years ago under a different username. Posting on this site and hearing others here helped me get through a very difficult time. My RH relapsed recently and of course more lies. I even question whether he ever was completely clean. And he seemed to have other addictions and obsessions as well. I here it is common to substitute addictions. He was sooo good at leading a double life. Church on Sunday, family time, steady job by day. Pill popping, porn watching whenever he could when no one was around. Very confusing. I decided enough is enough. I'm not one to give a lot of chances and don't really consider myself a codie. Although I am a control freak which is a characteristic of a codie. I gave him 1 chance. When he went back to his old behaviors this time I legally seperated from him. Now he says he is serious about his recovery and it didn't work the first time because he didn't work the steps. But that doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. He has lied so much I dont know what to believe anymore. Our entire relationship from the day we met has been based on lies. I just have to expect everything he says regarding his addictions to be lies. He does appear to be doing better but I just dont want to go through that anymore. But with that comes guilt. I feel guilty for not standing by him. The movie last night didn't help with that guilt either. He says we need to go to counseling but for whatever reason I have always resisted counseling. I am just paying for someone elses opinion. And I am not one who easily exposes their vulnerabilties. Especially to strangers. (I know y'all are strangers but it is different doing it here.) I used to beg him to read the bible with me and now all of a sudden he wants to quote me scripture and tell me how God can fix us. Sort of pisses me off. NOW he wants to preach to me. Don't get me wrong I believe God can fix anything. I just dont believe my AH. Anyway..... it feels good to post on here again. Thanks for letting me ramble.

ThatLittleGirl

I understand all the distrust. After ten years of active addiction...which means constant lying and manipulating, I filed for divorce from my husband today. I have had enough...I waited, perhaps too long, until I knew I could not continue to live this way. The constant lies have built a wall over which I can no longer see my husband... He sent me an email about a week back (during one of his rare moments of clarity) where he said he could "see" all the wrongs he had perpetrated against me over the years; and he asked if there was any way to make it up to me...where to begin. But, just this week, the defensiveness and lying have started up again...so I know his recovery has not yet started. Regardless, I had an appointment with my attorney for today at 1:00 and the divorce process has begun in earnest. His reaction? Shock...I don't think he thought I'd really do it...after all I'd spent years and years with only empty threats to give him. He left the house about 15 minutes ago...crying...didn't really want to talk to me...on his way to see his drug counselor...saying he needed space to process this. My response was to say "OK...take all the space you need". I don't feel the guilt anymore...after all these years, I knew it was time for me to move on; as Melody Beattie would say, "I'm climbing out of this abyss". If my AH wants to work his recovery in earnest and get better, in a couple years, perhaps I'll consider a reconciliation if it's what we both want. But for today, I am moving forward with what I need...peace and distance from his addiction for me and my daughters. I learned from this board and my meetings not to make empty promises (which is sounds like from your experience you probably already know)...so I haven't. I told him if I found him in active addiction, I would move on with my life...so I am.

If you feel you need the space, take the time for yourself. Spend some time in reflection to understand whether or not you truly want to reconcile with your husband. There should be no time limit on you for making a choice one way or the other...and if there is pressure, you should reject it.

Welcome back to SR...you know what I've only just begun to experience...this forum is an incredible sanctuary for those of us struggling with addiction in our lives...

Ann

Welcome back, Wishiknew.

Doing the right thing can be very painful and hard, but it's still the right thing and the pain doesn't last forever.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but glad you are taking care of yourself now and healing.

Stick around, we're still walking with you here.

Hugs

sojourner

I'm assuming you meant the Lois Wilson movie when you mention feeling such guilt about leaving your husband. It's funny you say that, because a good friend of mine (with many years in Alanon and still married to her recovering husband), called me after she watched that movie. She was fit to be tied! After watching that movie, she felt like there was something wrong with her because she just does not feel all the sugar-y stuff for her husband like what was in the movie! And she was struggling because she felt like there was something wrong with her!!

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, because you actually typed it in your post, that movie has guilted you into second-guessing your decision regarding your own marriage. I would suggest that you not minimize that and push it down away from your consciousness and then find yourself reconciling with your husband because you think you did not "try" hard enough.

There's another thread on there that talks about that movie. There's people on that thread who did not find the movie helpful, and maybe that would help you to read those. I myself thought it was too sappy, she was too sappy in-love with him even at the end, and the movie was way too much about Bill W. and not enough about Lois.

Hope that helps.....

Carol Star

The movie of course didn't go into his womanizing. Some people feel Lois was a fool. She did get royalties from the Big Book after he died. Glad she did myself. Back then we didn't know about codependence. I would have been real pissed at him not working and losing her family home- but I am grateful for them Lois and Bill. Sorry- I will find the other thread.....

Chino

In our second year of marriage I insisted we see a counselor because we were having communication issues (my husband is not an addict). The therapist took a brief history from both of us and said he needed to start with me individually before we proceeded as a couple, because I had a lot of baggage. I didn't follow up because I didn't want to do the work.

A few years ago my RAD wanted to do family therapy but her therapist said she had to be in recovery before he could help her, then moving on with family. See the common theme? Until personal issues are addressed, there's no point working with others. Until your husband is working some kind of recovery with his addiction, there's no point. Active addiction is not rational and soul searching.

I didn't start out in this world with codie behaviors, but I developed some of them, and can pin point exactly where, when and how they started. After that first false start, I've sought out therapy a few times for different issues. I've been seeing my current therapist for over two years now and I feel blessed to have the opportunity. It's made a world of difference in my life.

My therapist doesn't give me his opinion unless I ask for it; instead he helps me find better coping skills, behaviors, thought patterns for the ones I recognize as being problems for me. In the short span of these last two years, I've learned how to take control of my life and without taking prisoners. 12 step programs address the same issues and they are free. I like to do both because I want to hear others stories, want to be inspired, and occasionally need it to be all about me.

It's too ironic how similar my former thought patterns and behaviors were almost a mirror image of active addiction, with one crucial exception: they protect their addiction at all costs and I did not do the same for myself. I've learned how to do that in positive ways now

wishiknew

Thanks Thatlittlegirl, I think I probably needed to hear the part about taking my time and not feeling pressured. I don't think my AH really expected me to seperate either. Although I constantly needed reassurance from him that he wasn't using and told him many times it would be over if he did it again. I don't think he thought I'd go through with it. Its been about 6 months since he got caught and we seperated. He says he wants to come home. I'm just not convinced. So many lies...... I don't think I will ever be.

wishiknew

Thanks to you all for the warm welcome and replies. Although some days I feel like letting him back in, because he seems better or because I feel guilty or sorry for him something in my heart, gut, deep within my soul tells me its not the right thing to do. I am scared to let him back. I fear what I don't know. Right now he is saying and doing all the right things but that is how he gets what he wants. He has said and done all these things before. Chino...... you bring up some good points about counseling. I don't know why I resist it so much. I know all this has affected me and I would probably benefit from it. I guess thats one reason I'm back on here because I need it to some degree. I have never been to any meetings. I eventually would like to "build a bridge and get over it". I don't want to hang on to all this pain, misery, and chaos that living with an addict brought. I guess in some ways I feel like if I go to those meetings I'm hanging on instead of trying to forget and let go.

coffeedrinker

welcome back, wishiknew.

chino posted excellent thoughts on therapy - thank you chino.

my belief if that you do not go to a therapist to pay someone to tell you what's up, or what to think or do. it is to help you get clarity and discernment, to assist you in finding your own truths, and answers.

i understand the strong feelings of betrayal, and i support you in doing what you feel you need to do. perhaps a separation without the future already laid out would give you and him the space you both need, to figure things out. you do not need to have the pressure of one goal or another right now.

if he is truly working it like he's supposed to, he will very possibly come clean with you one day soon. he may or may not have been using all along, and you may never know for sure. that's something we have to learn to live with.

Impurrfect

((WishIKnew)) I'm an RA as well as a codie (in recovery) with loved ones who are addicts. I think that, for many, it just gets to the point where enough is enough, and that's okay!

I left my XABF because he was still using and I quit, but knowing what I do about addiction, I would have a very hard time trusting an RA without some serious long-term recovery.

As far as counseling, I have to echo what ((Chino)) said. I've been a few times, and have NEVER been told what to do. All they did was listen to me, discuss my feelings and talk about options...mostly what I'd thought about, but they would also point out some I'd never thought of. It was invaluable when I went.

I think you're doing the right thing by taking care of you and taking a break from him. If he is serious about his recovery, it will show, and he will continue it.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Give it time, take care of you, and let him take care of him and see what happens.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

wishiknew

I get what you are saying coffeedrinker. I rely on God and prayer for my clarity and discernment. He is my counselor. The problem is....... if and when he does finally come clean I probably wont believe him. He has cried wolf one too many times.