shebagirl

Ok... AH told me this weekend that because of all my bull crap, that I was the reason he abused his pain pills! Whatever!!!! I was so angry he actually said this!

Why do I continue putting up with this? I don't know if he really believes this or he just said this to hurt me. He says he never does anything right and he uses to feel better! Why is accountability so hard for some people?

I know I am not the reason but why does it hurt so much to hear this?

I know that there are always choices and we can choose to let things go and and forgive. But why am I holding on to things that happened in the past? Part of the reason is that it continues to happen. I know I am resentful, but having really hard time letting it go!

I know I need to go talk to someone; but just needed to vent a little bit!!! I guess next step for me is setting up the appointment or going to a meeting.

coffeedrinker

for me, every time my addict would do a turnaround and be really committed to his recovery, he'd apologize for little (or big) things, i would be completely forgiving of all the old hurts from the past.

then, when he'd be back to ick (his addict behaviors) all those old things would resurface, in my heart and mind.

i never really got it all analyzed out, but i know this happened over and over again. maybe we don't really let go of them?

dopedout

I always thought my wife was saying things like that just to hurt me. I was convinced of it. But now I think she actually means it -- but the difference is, what's screwed up is just that she believes it. So, she's not saying it to be hurtful, and at least there's something there that I can hang on to. She thinks she's just being honest.

If it continues to happen, try to disabuse yourself of the notion than you're not able to let go of things from the past. That it's still happening is proof that you're not holding onto the past. It only seems that way because the same things are happening.

I don't know how to talk to an addict. I don't know what to say when it seems like we know what they are trying to tell us but their words come out all mean. If I object to something like that, it only gets worse. If I let it go without responding to it, then she (my wife) only gets bolder the next time around. If I agree, then I sound like I don't care.

You really can't win. But I think that's the point. There are certain things any of us can say to the person we love, aren't there, that we know will absolutely stop the conversation in its tracks. It seems like the addict is willing to go a lot further a lot faster to use a kill shot like that.

Christen

I recommend that you do both (set up appointment & go to a meeting). I don't want to rock the boat... but I want to be honest with you. It is not your fault that he has a problem! BUT to move forward, we need to see that our feelings (resentment, bitterness, anger, mistrust, ........) are not helping the situation. It took me a long time to realize that when I give my husband attitude, I'm not helping him stay sober. I'm not making him use, but I AM CAUSING SOME KIND OF TROUBLE. Does that make sense?

I think that if you don't understand what I'm saying, that meetings will help you. Our addicts are not thinking clearly. And a lot of the times we (spouses) are not thinking clearly either because we are so mad. After learning my lesson the hard way hundreds of times, I have learned it is my job to take care of myself. We need to set an example for our addicts. Of course I'm angry, resentful, blah blah blah, & I understand how you feel. But we must control our emotions. We have to keep our peace. That's the best thing we can do for our addicts. And it takes time, hard work, & studying. No one is perfect. But I used to flip out on my AH about once a week. And now I flip out on him about every 6 weeks. But after I flip out, I start over again.

Please go to a meeting. Don't learn the hard way hundreds of times like I have. I hope nothing I've said hurt your feelings. You have every right to be mad. But we can't let our feelings control us.

Luv,
Christen

outtolunch

Words can only hurt when they feed your own belief system.

Impurrfect

(((Shebagirl))) I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie with loved ones who are addicts.

I KNOW, without a doubt, that no one ever did anything to make me use, and nothing I do will make anyone else use. However, the words of an addict still hurt. Quite honestly, though, I'm living with my dad and stepmom and stepmom is both an active addict and a raging codie....the things she says as a CODIE can cut me to the core, too. She can be passive-aggressive, manipulative, etc.

What I'm saying is...though we're not responsible for their use, we DO have to look at our own behavior in the problem. I've done a ton of work on MY codie issues since coming here to SR and by focusing on MY behavior, detachment, and how I react to things, my life has gotten much, much better.

I'm still living in a house with a miserable dad (also pretty codie) and stepmom, along with my 16-year-old niece who we are raising (her mom died, dad is an active addict on his way to prison) and I'm trying to be a role model for her. It's taken time, a lot of work, and a gazillion hours, posts, and reading on SR, but I definitely see progress.

Trying to talk to an addict or make sense of what they are saying or thinking is futile unless they are in a strong recovery program. If we're active or not in recovery, we just don't think like normal people and no one can understand that except another addict. Heck, I can't believe the things I did, other than they seemed like a good idea at the time.

Keep reading, posting and check out some meetings. Read some books by Melody Beattie (especially Codependent No More) if you haven't already. When we've lived with addiction, we put up with more and more until we turn into someone we don't even recognize. We CAN, however, regain our self respect, self esteem, and joy for life....regardless of what the A (addict) does.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Summerpeach

How true! Trying to talk or reason with my RA is close to impossible. His world and mine are totally different.
He will say things and then deny saying them and I am sitting there stunned thinking, he cannot be serious! And he is dead serious, but I'm not sure I believe they don't know what they're doing. I think some of it is intentional.

Can it all be unintentional?

shebagirl

Thanks guys for all the post!! Christen my feelings are not hurt at all from your post. I totally agree, my attitude definitely doesn't help. It makes perfect sense. I know it is just not him. I guess I just wished and hoped he would see my point of view for once.

It is hard to let go of resentment towards paying all the bills, taking care of our kids, and cleaning the house. On top of that, when he has bad day or episode, I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. How is that fair? I just feel like the whole world has to revolve around him and what is important to him? What about me and what is important to me? I basically just have to suck it up and go on. Over period of time it just gets to me.

I am pretty much an open book with him and I need to learn to stop that. The last time we had a fight over his addiction was when he was messed up at family function on Easter! Guess what, he was fine just tired! I knew better and told him after he decided enough to sober up he had to get help. He is next week but still taking his pills (as prescribed according to him). He has had a valid reason for pain pills just taking triple the amount prescribed daily. According to him, he is taking as directed now. He already has said he doesn't know if he will be able to quit completely b/c of his injury (how does he know if he doesn't try, right? Excuse, isn't it?) I will give him credit he hasn't seemed messed up last 3 weeks. I am just waiting for it to happen again b/c it always does. Not much faith, huh! Then last week I had a snag in my schedule and asked him to pick up our kids. He asked if I could see if someone else could, if not he would. Then Friday on my day off, I had to get up and get our son ready for school while he laid in the bed. He just doesn't see that his selfish behavior hurts my feelings and makes me feel that I am not important. I guess it is the small things sometimes that get to me. That's what caused my most recent out burst.

I wonder if I am wanting something he can't give me. I just want normal life with someone that I can depend on to help me. I feel like that isn't asking to much.

One thing that did help me was the sticky up top about what addicts do! That explains a lot.

Thanks again everybody!

cessy68

Oh my, hi there hon, I haven't talked to you before, but I can relate completely to your post.

If you can navigate this site well, try looking at my posts from the past.... it's sickning how much they sound like what you just wrote.

With that being said, there is a saying here on SR, "nothing changes if nothing changes".... you and the addict in your life WILL keep doing this same dance, YOU WILL keep tolerating/ till you blow... again. He WILL keep doing his thing with drugs.... and this WILL cycle over, and over, and over, and over....................till SOMETHING changes. (note) it dosen't matter what the something is, you can change how you look at him, you can leave, he can quit, (not likely), etc.... but bottom line is, don't be surprised at what he does, and further more, expect to be pissed at yourself, over and over, for getting upset about something you know you cant control.

My advice, run honey run.... if you cant, I understand, but you will be doing the same thing over and over till something changes.

Love,
Cess

Impurrfect

((Summerpeach)) - it's not that it's either intentional OR unintentional, and I know that makes no sense.

Let me say this...the things we do in addiction, we are not doing AT anyone, for the most part. I didn't use to hurt anyone. Truth is, I was totally convinced that the only person I was really hurting was myself. When the few occasions would pop up and I would realize that my family was worried about me, well gee, I'd just go get high and not think about it!

When I was "sorta clean"...only dabbling here and there for a very short time, I was angry and acted out, but didn't realize it had anything to do with addiction. I just wanted to be left alone. I was clean (and I was 95% of the time), working, paying bills and I did my best to understand that I had to rebuild trust, deal with the consequences I'd built up from using (and there were MANY) but I was still very, very angry - angry that I couldn't use when I wanted to, that I couldn't just numb my feelings out, angry that I'd made such a mess of my life.

Did I mean the things I said? I never meant to hurt anyone, no. By the same token, the day my dad picked me up in Chattanooga, TN from my relapse, he told me "I hate you, right now". I understood what he said, but I also knew he didn't mean it.

We codies say a lot of things WE don't mean either. We're just as sick as the addict, in most circumstances.

I'm NOT downplaying the damage the addict does. I'm simply saying, stop trying to figure out whether what they're saying is what they really mean. If they're behavior is unacceptable, then you have a choice....accept it or do something about it. That goes for ANYONE in our life, whether or not they're an addict.

I have boundaries. My 16-year-old niece talks to my stepmom and dad like a dog...calls them names and cusses them out when she's angry. She was raised to know that she can get away with this. She NEVER talks to me like this because she knows I will not talk to her or have anything to do with he for quite a while, and she can't stand it. My stepmom has tried her best to drive a wedge between us, and it will work (temporarily) but we have a bond and my niece respects me. It all started with changes in MY behavior and how I reacted to my niece's behavior. FWIW, teenage behavior is a lot like that of an addict..me, me, me.

The faster you can stop focusing on "did he really mean that" and focus on "is this acceptable to me", the faster you can reclaim your life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

You're heading in the right direction, girl, reaching out here and looking for a meetings. Both will help you keep your balance no matter how he does with his addiction/recovery.

He blames you because the alternative would be to blame himself and he's not ready to face the truth. It hurts because it is a mean thing to say. Perhaps he wants you to hurt as much as he does, which is why so many of us find ourselves slipping down with the addicts. Hurting with them won't save them, it will just hurt.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs

barb dwyer

I SO relate to your original post because -

My own mother was abusive.
So I know in advance I was raised to be their victim.
Your opening post reminded of
once my mother said to me after a particularly bad 'episode'
when I was probably...maybe... third? grade?

"If you weren't such a horrible person I wouldn't have to beat you."

And on many many levels ... I believed her.

I had an ex tell me something quite similar as well.

Once. One Time.
I left that same night.

For my own choice circle - those words are a dealbreaker.
I make a clean break and have nothing further to do with that person.


So this thread gave me a chance to think about just how far I've come.

Thank you for that.