I'm at it again...
 

I cried like the biggest baby my whole way home from work. The simple thought of his stomach, his arms, his face, his touch... I was screaming and crying, and I looked like a fool..

It was different this time though. I didn't cry because I miss him.. I cried because I'm GOING to miss him. I'm mourning the fact that he is gone. I am sending him my goodbyes. I have no choice but to walk away, and I'm crying like a little kid.

The pain is unreal... I have to do this. God, I'm going to miss him soo much......................

I HATE THIS.. I'M LOSING MY MIND. I HURT SO BAD. I'm sorry to be so wah wah wah... I just need support, or something... Assurance that this isn't a mistake...

:c021:

It's ok. What you are feeling is normal. Be reassured. Sometimes the right choice isn't the easy choice.

Ur not alone. I was never alone.

I got me a pretty journal book
and began writing my days
inside each page. All my
thoughts, wishes, pains, joys.

I dont know where u r in faith,
but i was raised with religion
and faith in the Man upstairs.

It's that Power greater than I
Whom has been with me thru
thick and thin.

It's thru that Power that has
given me the guidance and
strength I needed to make
it thru everything in life.

When down, i have to get out
of myself thinking....my pity
pot where i use to like to soulk
and feel sorry for me.

I would think of the countless
other people that r in possibly
worse pain or situations than I.

I would put the focus on helping
others or doing some random
act of kindness which always helped
me forget why i was on my pity
pot in the first place.

One step at a time.

when i saw my therapist two weeks ago, one of the things that he said was that i
"have a tremendous need to be needed".

i have been sitting on my hands so that i don't grab the phone to say "i'm going to be in your neighborhood; do you need anything?" or "how are you doing today?"

this is huge. not just missing someone you love, but actually a lifestyle change.

you ARE doing the right thing. no doubt about it.

funny you mention need... as I wrote my goodbye, I said..

"just so you know, I am just a phone call away if you ever need anything". I want to help, ugh.

As for faith.. I was just having that conversation with my boss. I want to believe in God, and I think I do. I just don't know how. I really don't know how. I admire that in others... but I'm not sure if I believe or not.

Thanks everyone.. I cried.. I said my goodbyes.. then I stopped crying. I feel a lot better.. I think...