dopedout

Hi. I'm new — I just need to share my story. My wife is checking into detox today and i'm not doing well.

I don't know where to start so i'm just going to start typing and see what happens. She is my second wife, and we have been together for seven years. I share custody of my two young sons, and she (I will call her Z) has been a great stepmom, and has sacrificed a lot to be with me. I knew she was an addict when I married her, but I guess I didn't realize what an addict was. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have mattered, though. I love her, and there's nothing I can do about that. If we can make it work, we can make it work. I guess one thing I was hoping to find out from you all is whether or not these situations can ever work. I'm looking for either some hope or someone to tell me that I can't find any hope here.

She is an opiate addict, which started from two lower body injuries from several years ago, one of which occurred during a violent crime where she was nearly killed. Several years ago she was determined to get off vicodin and for the past 3 years or so she's been taking suboxone under the care of a doctor. She has tried recently to cut down the dosage, but he doesn't seem to think it's a problem to keep taking what she's taking. But she feels like she's a hostage to it, and she doesn't want to keep taking it. Complicating things for her is that she has a thyroid condition that requires more health care than we can afford right now, and to counter the physical and mental problems from her thyroid, she's prescribed klonopin and adderal, as well as a thyroid medication. She may suffer from bipolar, and she has a hard time getting up in the morning, and often experiences somewhat manic episodes later at night, which are mostly energetic/anxiety jags where she either gets all kinds of things done or worries excessively about things.

I'm no picnic myself. I have ptsd from something in my past, and, though I've been doing much better recently, I have suffered from serious depression and anxiety in the past, and about 3 years ago I voluntarily admitted myself to a local hospital's psych ward for 6 days. At the time I was taking tons of meds, for back pain, an infrequent but significant seizure disorder, acid reflux and IBS, and my mental health stuff. One difference between Z and I is that she seems to be a classic addictive personality and I am exactly the opposite. I have tried most drugs recreationally and for a while, when I was really depressed, before Z and I met, I spent a few months actually trying to become an alcoholic. I was in a lot of mental pain and I wanted to drink it away. I didn't care anymore about anything. But after a few months I became bored. It was my failure as an alcoholic, actually, that made me try to get help from a doctor for my ptsd. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm sort of proud of myself that in the past 2-3 years I've been able to stop taking many meds — I don't take vicodin anymore (which is good, since Z would always steal it, and that caused a lot of trust problems, etc), and I don't take any anti-anxiety meds at all anymore. Because of $, I had to also stop taking my seizure and stomach meds, and my sleep medication. After 6 years of trying every SSRI in the book, my psychiatrist after my hospitalization tried adderal for my depression and it worked, and that's the only thing I take now (although I did just get a refill of ambien, but that's because of what's going on now).

However, I also use pot. I have lost 30 pounds in the past 12 months because of all my stomach problems, which cause pain, diarrhea and a lack of appetite. I have lost so much weight because I only eat one meal a day, which is at night, because I have to smoke before I am able to eat more than a snack. I spend about $40 a month on weed, which replaces my $260/month stomach meds and my $60/month sleep meds. I don't drink (neither does Z, much at all) anymore because there's something wrong with my liver enzymes, and I was tired of doctors not believing that I was only a casual drinker when they saw my blood tests come back. I'm also carrying a 4.0 gpa in my grad classes, and have never had any problems with being motivated, etc. Of course, I could be in denial, too. I'm open to that, but Z and I have always had a pretty honest relationship, and we're non-conformists and anti-establishment and mostly pretty rebellious, but also responsible people. I don't smoke with the kids around and we're active in their school activities and involved in their lives. I should say here that the behavioral problems surrounding Z's addiction are entirely behavioral — there is no issue in terms of her drug use itself — other than the fact that she is finding it increasingly difficult to manage her moods through the meds, which is why she is disagreeing with her doctor about whether to keep taking as much suboxone.

I realize this is getting long and I'm sorry...

On Thursday she called my cell phone. One thing complicating matters is that we are both unemployed. I am in grad school full time, and start an internship in the fall. Anyway, my class had just started (and she knew I would not be able to answer it). I saw she left a voicemail, so I just texted her to ask what was up, since I couldn't check her voicemail in class. Basically, she sends me a string of text messages that amount to the fact that she is driving in rented van to her hometown, where her parents and brother and sister live (all adults — we're about 40), to check into detox and get her life back on track. What that means is that she drove 12 hours across 2 and a half states without telling me she was going anywhere.

I was hurt and upset. She took our pets — our bird, indoor rabbit (a new bunny we just got), and our dog. She also took things that were meaningful to her that she didn't trust me not to "destroy" as a reaction to her leaving. These weren't just pictures or items — she took all the laundry baskets, most of our blankets, the living room pillows she made, our big cutting board (which is really old), these nice measuring cups that her sister bought us (but which are our only measuring cups), stuff like that. Even today I'm still finding out things that are missing. The boys spent the weekend with their mom but they will be coming home on Wednesday and I still don't know what I'm telling them.

I feel like she broke up with me but I "know" she didn't. I tried to get her to stop the car just so I could catch up with her on the road and say goodbye. At this point she was only 45 minutes or so down the highway. But (and this is the problem/question, finally) she claims that the reason she took off like she did was that she is scared of me, that I am manipulative and abusive, and that if she did tell me she was leaving I would have prevented her from doing so.

The bunny is a family pet, and so is the dog (she's the only one who likes that damn bird). I understand that she thinks she can't trust me, but it still hurts that she's at her parents' house, surrounded by family, and I'm sitting here without even my dog to throw the ball to. The boys love the bunny and the dog, and now that's all gone.

She's not communicating with me much. I finally spoke with her last night on the phone. She said she loves me and that she wants to work things out. We talked about bills and what we were going to do this week and next in terms of those details, and I was actually the one who was more upset than she was. She wanted to tell me a funny story about something that happened and I asked her not to, because I was too upset to hear something like that. At the same time, I reiterated that I support her and love her and am completely devoted to her, but also that I respect her privacy and that I had no intention of trying to stop her. When things really got bad last week, she interpreted my being upset that she took off without saying anything as proof that if she had told me in advance, I would have tried to force her to stay. This is the "addicted" behavior that I'm not sure about — does she think I'm a monster because of her addiction or am I really causing problems for her? I will understand if she doesn't love me anymore and it won't work, or if her addiction is preventing her from having a real relationship with anyone. But how do I tell if she really has a point that I'm manipulative?

This can all be explained with one example. Earlier in the week, she and I got into an argument on the way to baseball practice with the boys. I'm a coach and had to be on time. She was running late and I was waiting, and not saying much, because I didn't want to **** her off. About 5 minutes after we were supposed to leave, I poked in on her and mentioned that it was noon and time to go. She rushed out and got upset and started explaining that she didn't realize how late it was and all that — basically, all the excuse-making that I'm mostly used to. I said, it's ok, let's just go, and we got out the door and got in the car. The first thing I see on my dashboard is a big wad of her nicotine gum. So I grab a napkin and cover it up and of course it gets all smushy and everything, and I'm really annoyed, because the same thing happened 2 weeks earlier, and I often feel like she doesn't have much consideration for me. But I didn't say anything other than just stuff like, "oh man, that's just great," etc. After a few miles of driving, and with me sitting there ticked off (all she did when she saw it was tell me that if I hadn't covered it up with the napkin, she could have waited and scraped it off, or something — it immediately became MY fault, of course), she started doing her makeup and then mentioned something about a friend of hers who had just texted her something funny. I listed to it, and then I asked (very nicely, I think — definitely in a low voice, and not angry, etc) if she could apologize for the gum. This immediately created a situation where she was extremely pissed off that I hadn't apologized for treating her so meanly when she was running late for practice. In the conversation that ensued, she got more upset and began to cry. I put my hand on her back and gently rubbed her shoulders. She wiggled away, and got even more upset, and now, when she was angry with me about how I reacted to her leaving on Thursday, she described that incident as an obvious example of my physically assaulting her, because I put my hands on her without her wanting me to.

My biggest problem right now is that I can't accept that she really believes I am as mean to her as she claims. I have always thought it was just her being defensive, and this caused all our fights, because she often accuses me of outright cruel behavior — behavior that I can't understand she could actually see that way and still want to be with me — behavior I am confident I am not engaging in. And so I get upset that she's accusing me of these things, and I feel like she's manipulating the conversation on me, but she accuses me of the same thing. I know she has intimacy problems, and that she has a hard time getting close to people. I also know that she wants to be close to me. Or at least she thinks she does. She says she does.

So when I asked her last night if she really believed that my putting my hand on her back to try to soothe her was a form of abuse, she said she did, but I finally got a ray of hope because she also said, finally, that she realizes that she might not be thinking right. She said that she knows that it doesnt seem right that she feels that way, that I manipulate and mistreat her, but that she really does feel that way. She said she was definitely open to the possibility that she's not seeing things the right way, and she was also going to start meeting with a counselor there to talk about what to do to work on our relationship, and she wants to do counseling together if we can, etc.

She said her counselor mtg was at 10am (about 90 min ago) and her detox admittance was at 2pm. But I called the facility to see what kind of detox they do and they had no 2pm appt scheduled. The woman I talked to was actually kind of mean and dismissive of Z — I thought I'd have to convince them that I wasn't an abusive husband out to find my wife or something, but it turned out that the woman I spoke to at this hospital clinic was just suspicious of a suboxone addiction at all (but I know it happens), and was quick to point out that nobody was scheduled for 2 (I may have called the wrong facility). But Z hasn't responded to any of my texts since about 8 this morning. I am walking a fine line because I don't want her to interpret my contacting her as harassing her, and if she needs to be away from me the last thing I want to do is pop up every two minutes on her phone. But I am so worried about her. I tried calling her sister last night, and did find out that Z was ok, and her sister was definitely not nice to me. Even if Z is being honest with her family (and I believe she is) about the fact that it may be her addiction that's doing this, they still understandably aren't happy with me. Either way, of course, whether I was being mean or not, I failed her. I thought her suboxone treatment was going ok. I thought our problems were just communication problems, made worse by our financial worries and our health problems, but that could still be worked out by talking. I always believed that her mischaracterizations of me were just things she said in the heat of the moment and she didn't really mean them. Now she tells me that she did really mean them, but that she realizes that she may not be judging things right.

I want to be hopeful but it's not easy. I told myself all weekend that I wasn't going to call her and wasn't going to text her, that I had already told her I support and love her (and with money I stupidly don't have, I sent her roses that were there the day she arrived), and that if she doesn't appreciate me now, on her own, then too bad for her. I told myself that I had to be strong and not tell her how I was feeling, because she had to have some consequences to choosing to call me cruel and mean when I really wasn't. But I did finally contact her last night and she called me back. I couldn't take it anymore, and I figured I had to know something or my heart was literally going to explode. It was seriously a physical problem I was having until I talked to her. And when she told me that she doesn't want to feel this way and that she knows that something's not right, I felt hope. And so I opened up, and told her how I was feeling, and that I missed her but supported her, and that I only wish I hadn't already screwed up so bad that I couldn't be with her during this time. Even if it's all her fault, I still should have recognized that it was an addiction problem and not just a communication problem, and I could have done better. Instead, I don't know when I'm going to see her again, or if I should trust ANYTHING she's telling me even now, or anything. And I let it get that bad.

I'm the husband of a person who needs rehab so bad she had to drive 12 hours away from me into the home of her elderly parents just to get out from under me enough to get herself help. I'm that guy — that guy who was so selfish that he didn't try to get his wife the help she needed.

She said that she wants to come home soon, that she loves me and the boys and our life together but hates herself as a pill-thief and someone who cant be productive and find a job. I see that she's in a rut, and that her addiction is keeping her down. But she also said that she wanted to do detox, rehab and a halfway house and then get a job and get some money before she comes back. But she said she expected to be back before July, but, then again, it's almost noon now and I still haven't heard from her all day. I worry that she's so dependent on her family that she won't want to come back. She definitely feels that they can help her but I cannot, although she acknowledged last night that it might not be all my fault that I can't help her, that she may be unwilling to listen to me because she feels too defensive with me.

Well, it feels better just to have written this down. I'm in big trouble because I can't think. It's almost finals week and I can't afford to be unproductive but I'm trying every distraction I can find to take my mind off of things and it's just not working. I did a lot of outside work on Saturday — manual labor and sweating and all that, but I can't concentrate enough to do any reading or studying, much less work on the papers I have to do. I started crying for the first time yesterday and I thought today would be better after yesterday but not so far. It would all be different if she hadn't left like she left. I want her to get better and I want her to be with her family instead of here if it will help her more to do that. But it still FEELS like she broke up with me. Like she's not coming back, and it feels like she thinks I'm a bad person. It's one thing if the woman I love doesn't love me back. But does she really hate me? Will she ever be honest with me?

Thanks for listening...

Ann

Welcome, dopeout. I feel the chaos in what you wrote and I pray she does make in into rehab (or already has). She knows she needs help and at least she went to her parents where the animals can be cared for while she does what she needs to do for herself.

You say you smoke pot (for the pain) and even though it is for pain, pot can still get you high and with you high and her on drugs, it sounds like a toxic relationship.

This might be a good time for each of you to stop trying to please/manipulate/control the other and just find some recovery with some space between you.

Since you are the one who posted here, I am going to suggest that you try some addiction counseling or NA meetings that may help you deal with your own issues with drugs. What you ultimately choose to do is up to you, but if you want healing of some kind, it would be a good beginning.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll take a read around and
perhaps learn from what has helped so many of us.

Hugs

dopedout

Thanks, Ann. I need honest answers and I appreciate it.

I just got a text from her. She said she was turning her phone off for today because she had to worry about herself and not be a basket case today, and that I should worry about me.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so utterly disconnected. My wife is about to go into detox and I don't know where, I have no contact info for the facility, there is really no way for me to initiate a call to anyone in her family without it being the same kind of disruption she's trying to avoid herself, and I have no idea if the feeling on her end is that I will be kept in the loop or not.

I guess my role here is to back off and just wait for her to want to talk to me. I think of myself as her partner but she is thinking of me right now as the problem. When I ask her how she's doing she sees it as an attempt to control her by asserting myself into her life. If something happens and I don't know about it because she wasn't talking to me, then there's nothing I can do about that.

It's just that the first 3 days of struggling to deal with being out of the loop and completely in the dark didn't go so well. I thought we had turned a corner last night but I guess not.

hello-kitty

Hi Welcome. I was so fixated on my ex's drug addiction that it distracted me from my fixing my own personal issues. Once I started focusing on myself, it became much easier for me to live a quality life that I was proud of. My ex was then free to work on his own issues without my interference - which was what he needed to do. Unfortunately, he's not done using yet. But I'm much healthier and have stability in my life. Yay!

Have you considered Al-anon for support?

coffeedrinker

welcome to sr, dopedout.

there is so much in the original post it's hard to know what to respond to.

but, ann and hello kitty have given excellent advice.

following along that line of thinking, here is something you said:


When things really got bad last week, she interpreted my being upset that she took off without saying anything as proof that if she had told me in advance, I would have tried to force her to stay. This is the "addicted" behavior that I'm not sure about — does she think I'm a monster because of her addiction or am I really causing problems for her? I will understand if she doesn't love me anymore and it won't work, or if her addiction is preventing her from having a real relationship with anyone. But how do I tell if she really has a point that I'm manipulative?

First of all, to say that there is an issue, based on someone else's behavior, does not a monster make. Things aren't so black and white, usually.

Here addiction may prevent a healthy relationship with anyone, but her becoming fearful is not a classic byproduct of addiction.

I would suggest that you take a good, long, and honest look at yourself. We all have character flaws, or things that cause the people we love some angst, or that trigger issues from our past. What are yours? How might they be harming this woman that you love?

I'm sure it felt like a slap to just find her gone the way it happened. But I would use that escape of hers as a starting point. It does seem as though you may have left for more than just a little time away, but based on what you two said to one another, does want to work on things - as you do. Try your best to take her going away and being incommunicado as a good sign -- she recognizes that she has a lot of work to do, and needs to focus on herself and that work. That's what she's supposed to do. And you should now as well.

Are you sure she is only going away to detox, and not also go to treatment? That is probably the case, and it will be for a month or more. Give her her space, and start working on the new "you".

dopedout

She's not sure what form detox/recovery will take, but I want her to be there as long as she needs/wants to be.

I think that's a good idea. My problem now is that I've decided that everything I do is a problem for her. So I'm naturally obsessing over everything, and so my entire existence is spent remembering every mistake I ever might have made. I guess I'm looking for some relief —*it's why I probably over-attributed her anxiety to the classic behavior of an addict —*it's just that her defensiveness seemed so attached to her desire to not want to have the "it's because of the addiction" conversation.

Or, at least: every effort I make to show her I only care and love her ends up seeming to her like an attempt to control her. So the only thing I can do right now to change my behavior is stop making efforts to show her I love and care about her.

Until I talk more to her, how can I know what to do?

And until I can talk to her, I can't even change the way I try to show her I love her. I guess I can show her by leaving her alone. So that's what I'm trying to do.

coffeedrinker

yes! great start. you are showing her respect by allowing her the space to tackle her demons.

as for the "stop making efforts to show her I love and care.."

you don't stop showing that you care, you change how you show that love.

Freedom1990

Many of the major pharmaceutical companies offer reduced-cost and free medications to low income folks.
http://www.pparx.org

I've been able to get my antidepressants, my Neurontin, and in the past, my Aciphex (I know all about stomach problems) through programs like Lilly Cares for free.

dopedout

hi freedom1990. We've looked into all of those. I had a pretty good job before I was laid off. my unemployment is actually too high to qualify for the low-cost meds programs I need, because my income is affected by the child support I pay, since I have less than 50% custody, but I fall in too high an income range prior to paying support to qualify for the meds I need.

I realize the marijuana appears to be an issue. Obviously I'd stop using it to get her back. I'd change anything if it stood in the way of her having a good relationship with me. I also don't consider my using it like I am now to be a long-term solution. Once I'm employed and back on my feet I'll be able to buy more accepted medication and actually be able to eat regular meals and live a normal life.

But even if the weed is a problem, just not using it anymore won't solve anything. I would have to identify bad behavior on my part that is associated with my using it, and change that behavior. Otherwise I'd just replace it with something else without changing the real problem, and that's no good.

The good news is that she was just accepted into the state medical insurance program, under the women's health program. We've both been wait-listed for more than a year because of budget shortfalls in the program, but at least now she can get what she needs.

dopedout

Well I just want to say that you've all helped me a great deal already, and thank you for that. I am much better now that I was this morning. I finally got up the nerve to call and talk to my parents and let them know what was going on, and, much to my surprise, my mom was nothing but supportive and understanding of both Z and me.

I think I see where my current problem is -- this current problem that is causing my heart to race constantly and my stupid eyes to start crying for minutes at a time -- it's probably very typical, but it's why I came to this forum looking for help, and that is that every time I think I finally figure it out, at least for a few moments, I am hard-wired to tell Z about it. And I have to stop that. I can't call her or text her even to tell her that I love her or that I support her, or even that I forgive her (I do) or don't resent her (I don't) or that I can figure out how to manage even if she decides never to see me again, that I just want her to be happy. Because right now she sees that as an attempt to make my concerns more important than hers. Every time she sees my name on her phone, it's a source of stress, and all I'm doing is bothering her with the details of my own problems as if she's going to congratulate me for finally being nice to her.

I know I've been nice to her. I know that I'm not as bad as she says I am when we're in the middle of an argument. Because I know that she's the addict and that she's not even nearly as bad as I treat her when we're in the middle of the same argument. So if she's not as bad, then I'm not as bad, either. And I'd like to think that now that I can see how bad she was with her meds, and since she told it to me like this -- I have to hang on really really really really really really really tight to the fact that she thinks her perception of me might have something to do with her addiction. Because if it does, and she succeeds in her rehab, then at least we have a chance to really trust each other as closely as we used to.

Yeah yeah listen all you lovely ladies -- I am f'ing crying my eyes out right now. I started out this comment ok but not anymore -- but it's hard being a guy in this situation. I'm supposed to be who she turns to for help. I'm supposed to KNOW that she needs help, and help her, before she has to ask. That's my job. I knew she was wanting to cut down on the suboxone, and I tried to get involved, but she gets very closed off when it comes to her meds, and she'd say that she wanted my help but then she'd go to the doctor and come back and say that she was ok. I thought she was managing better than she was.

But I'm also choosing (in this minute -- it might change in an hour) to be encouraged by the fact that she thinks her responses to me are due to the addiction, and that she's done what she's done not just for herself but for us. I have to believe that.

It was always hard talking with her when she got bad because I literally couldn't believe she could think what she claimed to be thinking. The source of my frustration with her, and my contributions to a bad communication pattern, at least recently, were a result of my inability to appreciate that she really did believe the things she was saying. I feel funny getting too specific about "he said - she said" but the way it basically went when we fought was that I would bring up or she would simply perceive some problem -- even as minor as who left a pan out -- and she would escalate the conflict almost immediately by accusing me of doing something at least 100 times worse than whatever it was she thought I was accusing her of, and very soon I was at the end of my rope, because I couldn't reconcile the fact that this woman who was usually so loving with me and is absolutely thoughtful and compassionate to everyone around her could really feel that I was actually as horrible a person as I'd have to be to be doing to her what she said I was doing.

But maybe she was just as uncomfortable with that as I was.

I don't know where she is right now. That's hard to write. It's not a control thing, is what I want you to know. I'm not good with people. I don't like talking to people, and I had to email my one friend a few hours ago to see if he could talk tonight about it because I'm too uncomfortable bringing these things up. I'm very shy and have a hard time talking -- one reason my posts are so long and drawn-out is that I'm a writer (so is Z), because it's how I best communicate. If you were to hear me tell you these words, it would be a mess. I would be all over the place, forgetting myself, losing words, stumbling, etc. When I got divorced from my 1st wife, you know how you always hear that that's when you'll find out who your friends really are? Well I found out that I had one friend. Even my family talked more to my ex-wife than to me for about a year, because I just couldn't bring myself to explain all the problems that we had to anyone in a way that made them understand my point of view. What surprised me the most was that I was fine with that.

So, in short, I know this is bad, and that I may have to deal with this soon, but Z is really and truly my best friend. Not in the sense that she's just about the only one left, but in the sense that she's the only one I want to be around. She's the only person I've ever met who even comes close to fitting my pretty specific version of what a human being should be, much less a partner, and she fits it perfectly.

We weren't always like this -- we had some very good times for long stretches before things got bad, and that includes times when she supported me while I was dealing with my custody situation. So the sense that I've let her down is overwhelming, and when it comes to trying to convince a girl that I'm the right guy for her, the only thing I know how to do is play the confident hero. Now I see that my efforts to be confident and strong only made me seem aggressive and not understanding, and honestly I don't know how else to be.

But I can't have lost her yet, right? I'm not going to call her again or text her until I hear from her and she tells me it's ok. I have to trust that she's actually going to detox and rehab because that's what she told me, and, while this whole thing is impossibly hard, it's also our best chance in a long time to find a way through it, because at least it can finally be addressed outside of an argument or other strong emotions.
So as I sit here asking all the wives for the great continued advice on how to be a successful man without coming off like a lout, I have nothing but sympathy for what you're going through -- the thought of losing Z is so hard for me to even consider that to realize what you've been through with those you love is unbelievable. I literally didn't think I was going to live through the weekend. I guess all I can ask is that both Z and I want to try to get through it, and it seems like that's the case. So all I've really been doing is feeling sorry for myself and making my wife miserable because of my own insecurity. Funny thing is, I'm remembering how she helped me through tough times in the past, and I'm using those to try to stay afloat.

dopedout

Ok, perfect example -- I just found a nar-anon meeting tonight about a half hour away. I think I will try to go, but all I wanted to do once I made that decision was to text Z and tell her, because I thought it would be something she'd be happy and grateful to see.

But right there -- that's what I need to not contact her about, right?

hello-kitty

Give her space. It might be hard for you but it's what she is asking for. Allow her the dignity of dealing with her problem her way. And you deal with yours.

coffeedrinker

i'm a writer too. we americans with a short attention span might have trouble sticking it out with the long ones, but....
it's also a tool to process your stuff with.

when you guys would have an argument, and she would escalate, get nasty, blame you for all kinds of things (a lot of addicts blame the significant other for them using drugs, if you can believe it) i think THAT is addict-type behavior. that wasn't what it sounded like in the original post. in the o.p. is sounded like she was afraid of YOU escalating, trying to change her mind, etc. two distinctly different things, imo.

i think that you are enmeshed. this is very common, and it feels like you are connected on the soul level. i get this; i am still trying to break the bonds with my recent sig other.
it's very strong and it is a part of who we believe we are, not just who we go home with.

i hope you have a good experience at nar-anon. it may be different than what you're used to or what you expect - i would urge you to go to the same meeting several times.

dopedout

she is afraid of me escalating. but thats not what happens. From my point of view, she escalates and then uses my response to her escalation (which is usually along the lines of "What are you talking about" and then some well-stated and impassioned explanation about why it's not reasonable for her to make the connection she's making) to make it sound like it's all my fault.

So, like, she'll start it by saying that my failure to remember to hang the towel on the door instead of the rack is something only a satanist would do (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly), and then she'll use the fact that I'm offended she called me a satanist to "prove" that I escalate every conflict into a fight.

I missed the meeting. But I had a good reason -- my friend out west just called me and I was going to call him back but we got to talking and it was definitely as good as I was hoping the meeting would be in terms of orienting myself and gaining additional perspective, but I will still try to get to a different meeting this week.

I am definitely enmeshed. It is the uncertainty that is bothering me, but the fact that I didn't feel the same uncertainty while Z was suffering right next to me is a failure on my part, and therefore doesn't indicate that the uncertainty is anything new. She could have walked out on me at any point, or worse. It's just new that I'm seeing it, that I'm feeling it. But that matters because now it's actually a better uncertainty (I think) than it was before I knew about it.

So --- I'm pretending that I accidentally skipped the really hard uncertainty, and now I just have this artificial uncertainty caused by the distance and by the fact that, as could have been expected, her method of conflict resolution for the particular conflict that was her leaving without telling me was irrational and misguided. But no more misguided than any of the arguments we've had recently, but I only see her leaving as something like a breakup because of the fight that it caused. It wasn't her leaving that was actually like a breakup. It was the fight we had about it, which was caused by the same nonsense miscommunication that we were already going through before that.

I am uncertain that she still loves me. But I don't think I should be. Because before the fight, when she was just leaving the message that she had left to go to detox and rehab, she told me she loves me and the boys and our home, etc. The fight didn't erase that -- even as she was irrationally worried that I'd interfere with her recovery, she still loved me. Or maybe that was BS too but I have to find something to hang on to. The important thing I'm trying to do is consider all of her actions and words, not just a few. And anyone can lie about loving someone -- that's never a certainty that someone really loves me in the first place -- I had no reason to doubt it when she said it 7 years ago, or 2 years ago, or last week -- It would be unfair of me to doubt it now just because of a fight we had after she said it. Because it's not like her underestimating my love for her is new -- so it doesn't make sense that just one more in a recent pattern of the same argument is going to change things so much.

Besides, I have a lot more forgiving to do than she does. She's invested in this relationship. She loves the boys. She's probably the one under the worst stress in terms of regretting her own actions and feeling anxious about what people think of her. She told me she loved me and I still am uncertain, so what is me telling her again that I love her going to accomplish? I have been only thinking of myself, and I allowed myself to get hurt by something that I could have predicted she'd do (disappoint me by underestimating my devotion to her), but which she has acknowledged is something she hopes can be addressed during recovery. It could be so much worse off -- I could have had to force her into rehab, or something could have happened to her, or who knows what we would have said to each other in next week's fight, or the week after that...

I'm getting closer to finding a peace here. I'm still trying to get to the point where I can focus on my work, so the rest of my life doesn't fall apart along with this. Because I am trying to tell myself that this hasn't fallen apart -- that it only feels that way because of that very specific "betrayal" that I felt from the way she left. But she had to leave that way or she couldn't have done it, so without her leaving that way, she wouldn't have the chance right now to get well.

This is what I'm trying to tell myself.

dopedout

She just texted me.

She's started in-patient detox. She's going to bed and was about to turn her cell phone in to security and she texted me what was going on, how she was feeling, and it was personal...

At first I wasn't going to respond. But then I thought -- the reason I wasn't contacting her was because I was giving her space. And if she was texting me, and it wasn't just "this is what's happening, thx - Z", but it was a regular conversation, then she was asking me to talk. So I wrote back that the facilities sounded good and that I couldn't imagine how she was feeling but that I knew that she could do it! And she wrote back about the meds they're going to give her, and talked about the nurses, and she wrote that she had to go to sleep and wasn't up for talking, and said 'i love you' to me and the boys, and meanwhile of course here I am typing a too-wordy too-long response to her last text, trying to tell her that I was so happy for her that I couldn't stop grinning like a fool, so I saved it and sent "wait", and she waited, and I sent her that one and then another (so sue me) that I love her, and the boys love her, and that I am sorry for EVERYTHING.

i wish she gave me more info but i'm ok with it -- there will be plenty of time to talk about what all went down after she's through this and if she is sincere about wanting to focus on our relationship after rehab. i'm in a little trouble with the rent and I don't know how long she'll be in-patient, but she did say a few days ago that she was going to send cash from her temp payroll account, so I am hoping/trusting that she did that earlier today like she said, and that she knew to look at our bank account first to see how much we needed, and that, if she didn't, I will figure something out. I am going to try not to worry about it.

ThatLittleGirl

Wow, it's amazing how much emotions can swing from the start of a day to its finish. I know that being separated from her is difficult, but if the end justifies the means, it will be worth the pain. I would definitely reiterate how important it is for you to take time for yourself...attend Al-anon meetings if you can, definitely stick around this wonderful board, and read the different literature available. Space from the chaos may provide a light that was missing before; and sometimes we can only get that space for ourselves by drastic means. I had to force a separation from my husband (he's the addict) because I couldn't think in the living environment we created day in and day out; it's not that I didn't/don't love him, but rather, that I couldn't change my habits and processes with the daily rituals going on in our household. So I would hold this time as a gift in which you can explore yourself, learn more about who you are and what you need...perhaps that will provide opportunities for clarity in your relationship with her. If/when you two are able to come together again, it will be on healthier terms where you are both working together and not against one another. I wish you all the best! Please stick around this forum, read all the stickys at the top of the forum, and post as needed...the people at SR are the best at honest and caring support...!!!

dopedout

When I read this:

You immediately grabbed my attention, because that is what's been going on -- so it really hit me when you wrote:

Thank you for that. I am so worried about my coursework, and figuring out a slightly new schedule for the boys, since Z used to drop them off at school some days and if this goes past Memorial Day, which I have to expect it will (or be even more needlessly disappointed), I'm going to have to actually give up some nights with them because of my class schedule, that I haven't even thought of looking for a silver lining. Well, my friend tried one earlier tonight but it didn't work, so, as a writer, I just had to express appreciation for the way you put that, because it felt like you knew what I had to hear and how I had to hear it.

I can do that, I think. I still don't have my head together. One reason I keep writing and writing here is because it puts my chaotic head to something productive -- all I'm thinking about is her and what I did wrong and what she did wrong and the kids and all of it -- and writing it like this makes it seem like it makes sense. Nothing makes sense until I write it ... I know it sounds like I'm talking to myself, because I am ... when I'm not writing here I'm stalking the floor, tearing out my hair or just crying. Or staring at the tv. Or enjoying a few minutes of an adrenaline rush after hearing from Z. But that's it. I have to get my head together because I have work to do -- I have papers and tests this week that I haven't even started. Obviously I can write fast but I'm still unable to THINK about anything other than her, and I'm worried about her and worried about us, so until I can stop thinking about her for a second, I can't even start my work (I've tried -- I'm trying!).

But, yes -- ok, I can work with that. Thank you! This forum is far too welcoming for me to go anywhere, and I know this is going to be a long haul no matter how it goes. And my friend did provide some motivation for the one thing I can do to still be a good ol knight in shining armor, at the same time that I give her her space and get myself screwed back together.

Now I'm going to go and try really hard not to get caught up in the worst possible everythings again. And then tomorrow.

OceanSize

i definitely relate to this, although in my situation, we are not married.

however, to echo all that i'm learning - your role is to take care of yourself in the ways you need to - not to sit and wait.

part of that is posting here, so welcome to the board (i say that as a newbie...)

married or not, labels as girlfriend or not labeled as girlfriend, these are relationships. this is starting to make sense...

dopedout

Thanks, oceansize. Now that we know what we have to do, we actually have to do it. Not the fun part.

I'm feeling bad now, but it's late and I'm being masochistic. I want to think about her, because it makes me happy to think about her. I could see the real Z tonite when she wrote me, which has unfortunately inspired all the brain cells that experienced my first falling in love with her to come rushing back to life all at once -- that's the masochism -- it hurts but it feels so good because for better or worse I just love her. Oh well. It's better than thoughts that are 100% bad. Baby steps.

I tried so hard to say the right words to her tonite but through all of it I really only hope she could see the real me.

OceanSize

focus on *you* so you can know who the real you...is