OceanSize

Hi.

this is my first post.

I'm here because i'm in the midst of a breakup with a manic depressive pot smoker and i can't even believe that i found someone else in a similar situation. (in a different thread about pot)

$300 or more / week on pot. broke at the end of every month. makes 150k/ yr.

we went out for a year and a half. He isn't just a pot head, he's a bi-polar man with a serious heart condition and does not get any (any) help. He doesn't take care of himself.

at all.

his life is currently in danger. his heart condition is fully untreated, he drinks soda and eats ice cream by the pint. i'm pretty sure that's not good for a heart condition.

but....

he's completely high functioning - successful attorney. Work is not yet suffering, although i feel sure he smells so much like pot on a daily basis (he must).

work is the only facet of his life that isn't suffering. It's the only entity he answers to or takes seriously.


me: i am not a picnic, but got on a road to recovery. I became happy. I am making great choices overall, running a business, clearly engaging and embracing huge change. reaching out to friends. my changes are obvious to my friends and family.

he has made no efforts to become clean, focused, healthy or make positive changes. He procrastinates. Its easy for him b/c he can wear a suit all day, but when he comes home, it's only about getting high, eating, and avoiding all social contact.

i do a lot of public speaking, teaching etc. he hasn't come to any of my "gigs" - he can not ever make the time, even those that are in the same city. it never bothered me until recently.

2 wks ago he expressed to me that he needed help.

i HATE HATE myself b/c i worry that i wasn't encouraging enough. I was very encouraging, but maybe not enough?

either way it doesn't matter b/c now he can focus his anger at me - now he can blame me for a broken relationship. He can blame "the relationship" for what is so clear to me: of the 2 of us, 1 of us is making efforts to live a healthy life.

we got in a fight last weekend. i was seeking a compromise so that we could find a way to adjust plans. I wanted him to come to dinner with a friend and her boyfriend. i know, that's annoying. but in a year and a half we've only been on 2 double dates. He does not like to socialize.

He was angry, didn't want to compromise, i got upset, i didn't react well, we argued. My reactions were strong. I yelled "you obviously don't want to be with me you don't want to see me just set me free" and he said "fine we're broken up." and he hung up the phone. I called back. i was calm. I said, "look, we are having an argument, it's obviously out of hand, we need to be adults and calm down, talk." He refused "you did this, you said set me free, this is what you want, now you get it, you did this"

He was horrible, so mean. there was no grace in this "breakup" - as if no love has ever been shared. there was nothing respectful. When he is angry his whole face changes. his eyes glaze over. he stops seeing me and sees someone else.

i think it's his father.

maybe his mom too.

he smokes pot but becomes addicted to anything. He knows this about himself.

this is a nice way to vent - but the bottom line for me is that i love him. every day i would look fwd to seeing him and i would tell him that. I helped him take care of himself, and when he was loving toward me he would recognize it - but when he's angry his eyes glaze over and he speaks to me as though he is powerful and i am meaningless. he uses depositin tactics and doesn't know it. he minces my words.
then come the statements that are designed just to hurt me:

"you ruined my weekend"



and as i write all this, knowing that i am just venting, i also know this:

i love him and all i want is for him to remember that conversation about getting help and to GET THE HELP.

im praying.

today was a sad day. I cried all day. all i wanted to do was play scrabble with him. i don't understand why we can't just do that.

5 days no contact. I'm scared i'm going to get an abusive email tomorrow.


but i pray i will get one that says "i need help"

i know i can't help him, but i love him endlessly.

he's 39 - i am his longest relationship at 15 months.

i miss him, and only want him to be well

i have been crying all day.

i wonder if he misses me.

i wonder if he is thinking of me

and i wonder if i'll hear from him again.

Ann

Welcome to SR, Ocean, you have come to a good place.

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt, but truthfully, reading your post, it seems you are doing the right thing because you deserve so much better than this.

You deserve someone who will go out with you and love your friends and share the happiness in your life...without getting stoned. You deserve someone who treats you as well as you treat them, someone who is healthy and who doesn't need to be "saved".

More important than that is that you deserve to be happy with yourself. Nobody else holds the key to your happiness, sweetie. Only you hold that key and this may be a good time to get to know what you want out of life.

It may be hard right now, but I promise that one day you will look back on all this and be a little wiser for the journey.

Hugs

OceanSize

thank you so much. while i know you are correct, i hold on to hope that he will contact me and then get the help he needs.

i go through moments of deep deep sadness and every now and then deep insecurity.

it is hard to remain confident.

i am still trying to make sense of this.

OceanSize

i feel like at any time an abusive email will arrive. i've been preparing for it. but it will be hard either way. it's hard now.

i wonder if he's already replaced me.

barb dwyer

Hi Ocean -

I understand your frustration very well.
I've a family member who's also manic
(if not graduated to full blown psychosis or something by now)
who smoked constantly.

how interesting they're both in law.

Anyway-
over the years,
watching similar people
similar personality, I mean
and similar addiction to 'unaddictive' pot...

I do wonder if there IS something to the connection with depression?

For some reason -
they think they function better.
But in reality - they don't.

But God help anyone who TOUCHES that illusion.

This sounds like a very unhelathy relationship for you, hon.

I agree with Ann -
I can't help but feel you did the right thing for you.

I'm glad you're here.
You're not alone.

have you considered getting 3-D support as well?

While SR is the bomb - truly I love this place and what its done for me...

... we are physical creatures,
and need support in real life as well.

I hope you'll consider finding an alanon group near you
if for nothing else
than the comfort they can give you
while you get through this time.

Again - welcome!

TooMuchSunShine

Ocean, welcome to SR. Your story could be my story, every last detail right down to yours is an attorney except mine is a very successful master electrician - everything you've said, I've said, felt and been through. You've been calm, you're just trying to get out of the way and let the cards fall where they may, you're trying to help as best you know how but if you're like me at all, in the back of your mind you're scared and worrying, there's that nagging voice that asks you "Do you even know what you're dealing with?" I worry that I don't, then I make mistakes, then I beat myself up over my mistakes, he blames me, says awful things when he never did before, he started getting mean as soon as I decided to let him have the life he said he wanted but I couldn't live that one, now I'm Day 6 with no contact and I'm soooooo sad and heart sick and around and around I go. And oh how do I love him . . . I don't think I can even talk about that, gotta get ready for work, people are depending on me and I just want to crawl in bed and watch TV all day. I can't believe it could have all been lies.

But, I know it will get better, being here helps - I'm reminded I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not alone A do the same things over and over and over again. So now I don't have to feel like the crazy person that saw "a problem that wasn't there." It's there, it's real and there's not a thing I can do about it.

I've said this before, I have a dream, more like a movie really with characters I've never seen in a movie before but I kinda recognize them. The movie is about me and him, far, far, far into the future. We meet again by accident and through a series of funny situations and circumstantes we interact and he apologizies to me. We begin a friendship and walk off into the sunset (if you will ;-) to a bright and new future. I have this "waking" dream and it makes me smile but I know right now that it is just a dream, a movie and movies are not the real world. I have to completely let go and let (HP) I say the G word ;-) If I do not, all hope is lost and for right now, he is lost to me. We have to play the hand of cards we were dealt and man oh man is that hard. Today, I think I'm gonna just worry about today, let myself feel what I feel and try like hell not to send him any messages wishing him a good day. Wanna join me?

86753091

Ocean,

Now that you 2 are all broken up, who is he going to blame things on? And who did he blame them on before you came along?

You seem to be working your program in an otherwise healthy fashion.

Welcome.

cb

PS I'm homesick already for the Bay. If you're lucky enough to live by the ocean, you're lucky enough.

Jenny1232

Is he un-medicated? I'm assuming so.. and he self-medicates?

All I can say, is I'm in a very, very similiar situation. Minus the pot, add the pills and alcohol. Mine too has a heart problem. He's 30, and he's had two heart attacks. One at 19 and 21. He does nothing to take care of himself, and honestly, it's scary to think about.

Everything you described in your fight is EXACTLY what I go through. I'd say, walk away. No one deserves that, and it will eat at you and tear you down until you've got nothing left. You will literally lose your mind in this relationship. Do you want to live everyday, just questioning and worrying?

He may send you a nasty message... only to be followed up by a sweet, help me, love me message. It's a sick cycle, that really never ends. It only gets worse... It's a hard thing to accept, I know. I'm having a hard time dealing with the same feelings.. but it needs to be done.

I've never dealt with a bi-polar until him... I never want to deal with one ever again. Get out while you can. I know a year and half is a long time... but really, it's better than 10-20 years later. Eventually, you will leave. Why not now?

"i HATE HATE myself b/c i worry that i wasn't encouraging enough. I was very encouraging, but maybe not enough?" - I highly doubt you weren't encouraging enough. I'm sure you did everything in your power. Honestly, in this situation, there isn't much you really can do. This is on him, not you.

"He refused "you did this, you said set me free, this is what you want, now you get it, you did this" - I heard something along those lines everyday.. just like someone else said, who's he going to blame now? Ugh, it frustrates me to no end to read this... My guy is the EXACT same way.. and you just get SICK of it.. trust me.

"you ruined my weekend" - He's guilting you and manipulating the situation to gain the upper hand again... This displaces any inital fault of his, right on to you.

As hard as it is.. as much as you cry.. I'd truly just try and walk away. You deserve way better... and this pattern will only escalate... I wish you the best.. I'm sorry for your pain...

outtolunch

You have been going out for 18 months....

You don't like how he spends his money.

You don't like that he eats junk.

You don't like that he avoids socialization.

You don't like he won't attend your gigs.

You don't like he smokes a lot of pot.

And it sounds like you are really frustrated that he will not do as you want him to do, because in the name of love, you know what's best for him.

Have you considered that you might have some serious controls issues and might be a tad bit consumed with a make over? You can accept him as is, where is or move on and increase your chances of meeting someone who shares more of your values.

Chino

Pot stimulates dopamine production. THC itself isn't addictive but if a person is low on dopamine they'll become dependent on it for the stimulation. There are meds to stimulate dopamine production but they won't get a person high, so it's still addict behavior/personality.

OceanSize

i enjoy this perspective - but i have definitely accepted him - and definitely played a role in forgetting how sick he is, expecting unlikely compromise.

what is not bleeding through here is how willing i am to support him if he gets the help he needs.

i am getting help, working on self care. he isn't.

He knows i accept him as he is. He still fights me.

let me emphasize again: i have told him multiple times "i love you even for your flaws" and he has thanked me endlessly for those words. then the fighting....

hope that clears some stuff up.

Ive been journaling about my role in this, and my role (which i hope to change if there is a chance at wellness here) is that i have neglected to acknowledge how sick he is, and for the last 3 weeks have tried to behave as if he is healthy when in fact he is not.

now, i have no expectations. My biggest hope is that he gets help.

i am a survivor of depression on medication. I have great amounts of empathy for his situation.

and believe me, i'm no picnic as i said.

OceanSize

today i am sad again, but plowing through work as best i can.

still no contact.

this limbo is very difficult.

I am shocked to see so many others on this thread in a similar situation.

I am terrified of his next email. I just don't want it to arrive unless it has an air of positivity or love or acknowledgement of needing help, getting help.

i don't even care about saying sorry.

i want to be grown ups. together.

i wonder if he even misses me? has he replaced me already? is there anything i ever gave him that he can't get from anyone else? or was it all for nothing?

Jenny1232

You really sound to me like you're neglecting your own self-care, because you're scared to lose him. Regardless of loving, or accepting him the way he is, he isn't treating you right.

"He was horrible, so mean. there was no grace in this "breakup" - as if no love has ever been shared. there was nothing respectful. When he is angry his whole face changes. his eyes glaze over. he stops seeing me and sees someone else."

"i think it's his father.

maybe his mom too."

It's him... him, and no one else. There are plenty people who grew up in wretched families, and they didn't turn out like that. It's because he's an unmedicated bi-polar. I understand you love him. I understand you're hurting. I understand you want to support him no matter what. Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life though? That cruel, insensitive person, who leaves you apprehensive to read an email from him? Who leaves you wondering whether or not you can so easily be replaced? Is that the kind of love you want, and feel that you deserve for yourself? Don't lose sight of the big picture here..

Freedom1990

As a child, I wanted a lot of things that my parents didn't give me, and for good reason.

I didn't outgrow that stage as I became an adult.

Between my own addictions/alcoholism, and my 'love' for some of the sickest men around, I almost managed to kill myself in every sense of the word.

Two books I would highly recommend to you are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

I would also recommend locating local Naranon or Alanon meetings for yourself. Alanon tends to be more widely available.

I also have a 32 year old addict/alcoholic daughter with mental illness.

I love her, but from a distance.

I'm the last person to be able to 'help' her.

I'm too close, and there are professionals far more qualified than me.

OceanSize

thanks for the welcome, and for the insight. Frankly, he usually blames his problems on his dad's addiction. or claims he is incapable of happiness. when things go wrong for him, he moves to a new state. That's how he landed in the bay area.

thanks for the perspective on the bay area too - it's true, this is a beautiful place to live.

teke

welcome

OceanSize

so i know this is crazy but it suddenly dawns on me that we are in a "time out" right now.

is this delusional thinking?

i am in therapy and doing well, but the last two days have been hard. today is particularly hard b/c he is...um...twittering.

i am giving him space as much as he is giving me mine.

but am i being delusional?

86753091

Time out! Perfect time for reflection and maybe to re-examine your boundries. If anyone thinks they're coming back they would have to come back to a strong woman who respects herself and knows how to draw a line.
Turn the twitter off for 2 days and spend some quality time with yourself.
You're not waiting for him to come around are you? Let him adjust to your time schedule and if you let him come back, let him back in on your own sweet time.

cb

OceanSize

you are right. no twitter for 2 days.


one reason being, that he just twittered openly to the twitter universe

"what should i have for dinner" (i used to make sure he ate good food)

upon seeing that, i only wanted to go eat dinner with him.

i am realizing my role here. it couldn't happen without this time out.

(he knows i read twitter, i have to use it for work) (but i can go two days without it)

I am curious - tho i realize this seems delusional - what is the usual pattern when they refrain from contact. is there any real hope that he will get help. will we communicate again. these questions do plague me. i do love him.

i love me too.

i already ate dinner, btw. had dinner with a girlfriend. and it was wonderful!!!!!!!!