Losingmylove103

So I have know my husband for yrs. A yr and a half ago we started dating and he was the best things ever to say the very least. He was so affectionate, loving, caring, considerate, funny OMG I could go on and on. Well right away I noticed he didnt sleep well at night. He seemed to think he had restless leg syndrome but it was worst than that when he described it. He would take 2-3 baths/showers a night to ease the pain. He would take tylenol/aleve/advil to try and ease the pain. So then I found out he started getting pills to sleep. Wether it was perks or oxy whatever he would take them at night to sleep or so I thought. So time went on we planned our wedding and I told him how bad I hated that he was taking the pills. We decided as soon as we got married he would go on my health insurance and finally get to the bottom of his problem. So he went for several appts for the dr it still seems to be a mystery. He did find out he has sleep apneia (sp) and he still hasnt gotten the results from a nerve test they did. Also he always avoided the blood work so maybe there would be some answers there. So of course as time went on he was taking them thru out the day and it seemed to be his reasoning for everything. He was doing bull **** side jobs instead of looking for a real job. The side jobs paid cash daily so that worked perfect him cause he had cash daily to get what he needed. So of course the longer we go into this the more I have lost the man I fell in love with. He was no longer affection he was no longer funny he was no longer any of the traits I fell in love with. He wanted to be left alone all the time, he would sleep as long as I would let him, he never wanted to go family functions etc etc. Well 2 weeks ago tomm I found out there was over $100 missing from my sons allowance that my grandparents give him. So that morning at 5 am I told my husband he had to leave which in turn meant he was taking his son with him. My heart hurt so bad for his son but at that time I knew I was making the right desision. So since then its been a rollercoaster ride. 4 days after I told him he had to leave I went to see him at his mothers and he was so messed up he was falling asleep standing up to make a long story short I found out that night he has been doing heroin for the past few months when he couldnt get his hands on pills. So now he has admitted that to me and told me he was going to start a suboxone clinic. I was devestated and heart broken. Yesterday I found our camera is missing. He is yet to admit to me that he has taken the money or the camera. I do not want him in a program. I asked him to goto inpatient rehab and he did call and make the appt for this thurs. I miss him so much and I do see a huge difference since he started the suboxone program but I feel its a substitution. I do not think he will go to the inpatient program and I am not sure I should push him to since he has custody or his son and doesnt want to be away from him for that amount of time. I am just to stressed I feel like I am losing my mind. I know I should also mention that I am horrible at throwing things in his face that he has done. I dont know why I do it but I feel the need to remind him that this is his fault and after I do it I know I shouldnt have but I hate him for doing this to our family. I know this is a little all over the place but so am I at this point.

Losingmylove103

Sorry we both have a son each. My step sons mother sucks! SHe has visitation but never shows up so basically she is not in the picture.

barb dwyer

Hi Losing -

Welcome to SR.
I hope you'll find the information you need here
make friends
and even find your smile again.

I hope you'll take your time and read the stickies at the top of this forum
maybe even visit other F&F forums
(alcoholism, ACOA etc.)
and see just how many of us there are.

You're not alone. Not any more.


Reading your story -
I wouldn't be surprised to find
that he's been on heroin all along.
I was suspecting it by about the fifth line of your story, actually
Just something to throw out there ....
something from my own experience.

I hope you'll change your mind about finding support near you.

Not support for him - but support for you.

It's going to be a rough row to hoe by yourself, hon.

There's support programs out there that can take some of the burden with you.

I truly hope you'll change your mind about that statement.
There's people who can help both of you...
people who've been there, and done that.

Again - welcome!

86753091

Good Morning,

I like the screen name you've chosen, it made me smile thinking this group should be called "Losing my love 101", instead of "Friends and Family".

I like that you know you made the right decision, even though you're feeling the great loss of your step son.

Maybe you could try to think of the suboxone as medically/physically treating his ailment until he's stable enough to do the emotional work on himself.

I hope for the sake of your little family that he comes to realize he needs to do some work on himself.

cb

coffeedrinker

i understand that she believes the suboxone program is him still using a drug to manage his life.

this is a kick in the stomach. i know how it hurts to be betrayed by someone you love.

i wonder if cynical's hunch is correct - suboxone is usually reserved for the more chronic opiate-type drug users i believe.

i would suggest that you educated yourself about the sub. if he had just started using the heroin because the former pills weren't doing the job any longer, or he couldn't get hold of the pills, then i wouldn't be supportive of the sub program either. but it is a moot point - he's already on it.

i would also suggest that you try to step back and allow him to manage his own recovery - with his dr. of course. this is VERY HARD to do, for most of us. but all of us here at s/r will tell you that it's the right thing to do - for many reasons.

please keep coming back. i guess i would be glad that he is off the street drugs, and the lifestyle that accompanies using them.

Losingmylove103

Barb~~~When I said I dont want him in a program I meant I dont want him to go somewhere everyday to get meds. My reasoning for this is his sisters has been on the "program" (meth for her) for yrs and I just dont want him to think its a subsitute it needs to be a solution. I hope that makes more sence.

Losingmylove103

Cynical~~coffee hit the nail on the head I just feel like its a subsitute for the pills and the heroin. Not a solution for him. I really want him in a recovery program and he is not moving in that direction. Also I am so glad he is off the streets but he still seems like he is always up to something. I feel like he is sneaky about everything.

Coffee~~I do need to educate myself more and then begin working on me. I feel myself so consumed with him its rediculous. I do want to begin Naranon meetings soon possibly even this week.

barb dwyer

Ah. Yes it does. Good, I'm very relieved to hear that.

And I'm glad to see you posting and coming back as well!!!

coffeedrinker

Losing,

this is my story, for what it's worth:

abf relapsed on heroin and other drugs. i broke up; he begged and told me he has tried every way of getting clean and it hasn't worked long-term for him. the heroin is what keeps coming back to haunt him; would i please support him in an mmt (methadone) program? i said i don't know; we'll see.

got on the program, but also on a butt-load of other meds. i finally understood that he is not taking other street drugs, but this stuff has him falling asleep standing up sometimes. he is afraid to go off, having acheived some stability for mental illness for the first time in his life. he doesn't advocate for himself; he is overmedicated, but feels confused about what to do.

he goes to meetings sometimes, goes to therapy, but never (in my thinking) really embraced the program of n/a. i wanted to see him fired up about it. he is not able to be fired up about anything; just getting through each day.

i do not want to be with someone who almost never smiles, doesn't have fun anymore, and is sober but not working the steps. i guess i've reached a point where he's not healthy enough for me. i have posted some things that are - for me - heartwrenching.
leaving him has been hands down the hardest things i've ever done.

so, what my story means is that your husband may or may not get to the point where he's doing what he needs to do -- for himself. he may or may not get to where YOU need him to go. my xabf feels like he's doing ok. it's relative. ok means he's not using street drugs, he's making appointments and keeping them, he is always kind to me, and if i ask him to do something, does it, not extreme highs and lows.

but it's not "good enough" for me. and that is ok.

i would urge you to be a little patient for a little while. he is working through this, and needs to stabilize on the sub. he should not have to go in every day for very long. one step at a time. you can always reevaluate whenever you want to.

also, you need to work through your anger. what are you doing to address that?

Losingmylove103

coffee~I am going to start to attend naranon meetings this week actually cause my anger and confusion is to the point where I feel like I might lose it at any moment.

As of today I found out he is still using!!!! So he goes to this damn program everyday and is still using heroin. He had white powder all over his nostril! I mean what the hell is that about. I am so ready to lose it I swear!


He has done nothing to change his lifestyle! Not looking for a job not attending meetings or willing to do counceling ehhhh

wicked

There is absolutely NO reasoning with an addict in active addiction. and if we get too close, we get crazy all over US.

This bears repeating.
I love this anvilhead.
I know cause I have had the crazies on the inside and bombarded from the outside.
Wasn't much progress being made.

Losingmylove103

Well I went to my 1st Naranon meeting last night and it was such a stress reliever! Especially after he didnt even go to his appt with the inpatient rehab...(suprise suprise)
Cynical~I think you are right he is going to a meth program and lying about that too because he knows I am against it.

Anvil~I have cut out 98% of the communication with him and havent seen him today is the 3rd day...I do miss him terribly but I miss him not the addict that he is today.

Wicked~I agree...I feel like I am talking to a wall! Thanks anvil!

coffeedrinker

Losing,

The thing is, you will not really know what your husband is doing. Because you know he is not truthful, and because of that, even if he does say something that is the truth, you will not know if it is or isn't.

I don't think he can really get high on suboxone. Esp if he has been at all a hard core H user. A weenie user could probably catch a little buzz, but then he wouldn't be on the sub. It is not common to snort sub, as it just doesn't do much for the user. He could be snorting in an effort to get high, he could be getting a little buzz, or he could be snorting because he wants to get high. But it's not gonna work for him and if that's the case, he'll either wait a couple days and go out and get the drugs that work for him, or he'll want to be clean and he'll just give up.

Bottom line is that you don't trust him, he is not honest with you, and he is doing nothing (except the sub, if he's really doing that) that will truly aid his recovery.

One of the reasons people choose suboxone, is that they DONT have to go to clinic everyday. It is prescribed in a doctor's office, not a special clinic (like M.done) and I think they get like a month at a time. Some people keep a supply of sub around to stave off the withdrawal they will go into when they don't have their drug of choice.

How are you doing today? Are you able to move forward, and put some things into perspective?

Krys

Suboxone is for withdrawal, some ppl are on it for years though...which I tend to think is out of fear or abusing it. You can't get high off of it from what I know. It will limit the high he could get from using another drug if it is in his system and he tries to do other drugs as well. It won't stop him from trying though. It can also make him sick if he does try...it is an opiate blocker. My ABF tried snorting percocet while he was taking it and said he could not get high.

Losingmylove103

Well I cut off communication with him for almost 3 days then Friday night I broke and seen him and things went great. He seemed more normal then I have seen him in months. SO Sat after I got off work he asked if he could go to my sons soccer game and things went so well I actually stayed at his mothers with him. Then Sunday we spent the whole day together. He was in no way "messed up". And I did my best not to bring up to many issues. It was like the old him that I had missed so much! I am going to try and take it day by day and see how things so without a lot of throwing things in his face. I am going to continue to go to the Naranon meetings because I think they did a world of wonder for me.

LGLG07

May sound harsh but very true . I agree w/Anvilhead . I went down that road so many times .. They show a smidge of their old selves , and because we want so badly to have them back the way they 'used' to be , we immediately forget what they did yesterday and the day before and just get caught up in the fairy tale that this is our happily ever after .
Be very careful . He may be doing well these past few days and continue to do well for a another few days or forever , nobody really knows . Problem is , if he doesnt continue to do well , you are going to get caught up in the CRAZY (thks Anvilhead) again .

Keep us posted .. we have all been there !

Losingmylove103

Thanks for the reminder but I havent forgotten! I am trying to take things day by day and not bring up to much of the past. He is looking for a new job he called his previous boss and she told him to call her back at the end of this week. Also for 6 days now he has been "himself" this is the longest amount of time I have seen him be "himself" for over 6 months. I am really trying not to get snowed or be to niave. On Tues he has an appt with a inpatient facilty and I am not sure if that is something that will happen or not. It seems when I am with him I am so in the minute that I try not to think of all the things that have happened. THen when I have time alone to think my head is all over the place.

Hammerhead

Food for thought...

For me...when I "didn't bring up too much of the past" (a.k.a. remember)....

I forgot!

Christen

Dear Losing,

I am married to an addict also. So I relate to your story a lot... I also understand your feelings about suboxone. My husband bought suboxone off the street for a long time. It can help a lot of addicts get on their feet, but it can also be abused. In my opinion, it just prolongs the situation. In our case, it hasn't helped. It just puts off the withdrawals for a while.

We don't have kids. So your situation seems a bit more complicated. I'm glad that you are coming to SR for support. But I must ask- have you attended nar anon meetings in person? Because in my case, the "light bulb" didn't go off in my head until I had real people in front of me to talk to. I highly recommend that you go to meetings, and commit to keep going to them. It has been a huge help to me. It's the only way I've really been able to keep my peace, and work on my marriage.

Losingmylove103

Christen~I did begin Naranon last week I attended 2 meetings and intend to attend the Thurs meeting week also. Not sure about the Fri since I have something else that night. I really think he should attend inpatient to get off everything including the suboxone but I cant imagine 2-4 weeks without him but then I cant imagine a lifetime without him either and if he goes back to using that might be what happens. So I continue to fight with myself inside. It seems I am so moody today one min I am happy the next stressing over everything.

Hammer~ If I bring up things it just causes arguements so it seems if I only talk about the present and the future things go so much better. Maybe its me not being realistic I dunno