Feeling lost and alone..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1
Feeling lost and alone..
Hi all. This is my first time posting in a forum like this, so please don't mind me if I mess something up. I hope this is the right place to post this, as it is a little about me, but mostly about the problems I'm having with my boyfriend right now.
Well, I guess I may as well start at the beginning. We met when I was 5 years old. He was my cousins best friend, and I was always over their house because they had the nicest toys and an in-ground swimming pool. We hit it off and remained friends ever since. When I was 15, I was cheated on by my first boyfriend with my best friend. Well, he was there (I'll just call him Jack from now on) for me and helped picked up the pieces. We then began dating, and we have been together ever since - almost 8 years now. Well, about a year into our relationship, we started smoking pot and stuff, but eventually ended up as opiate addicts. After a few years of this, and countless attempts to quit together, he went to the methadone clinic and counseling. I claimed to quit but was actually still using. That went on for another few years, until I finally came clean with him and sobered up. It's been a little over a year for me now.
Like most every night anymore, I went down to his house. I had been suspicious that he had been using for awhile now, but like all good addicts he lied and lied, and I desperately wanted to believe him. Well, I finally caught him doing it. This isn't the first time he relapsed. I'm just so very tired of this. Of course he says he's going to quit, but I've been through this so many times. I know how tough it is - I've been through it. He said he gave me another chance, and he did, so I should give him one. Well I have given him so many chances, I've lost count. He'll sober up for a few months-year, and then relapse. Tonight, I almost relapsed. I would have, except for I couldn't find anything, luckily.
I just don't know what to do, and there isn't anyone in my life that would understand what I am going through right now. He's been in my life forever, and I love him so very much, but I can't be risking my sobriety. If I leave him, I will want to use to ease the pain, but if I stay I will want to use because I know he is using. I just can't picture my life with him or without him. My head says go but my heart says stay. He said give him the weekend to sober up (I think he just wants to use the rest of his pills) so I guess I'll see come Monday. I just feel so alone and I hate not being able to talk to anyone about this. I don't know what to do. I haven't stopped crying for hours now. I've been puking and shaking. I keep having mini anxiety attacks and I can't breathe (smoking and asthma doesn't help either, but that's a different issue). I guess I just wanted to get it all out, so thank you for letting me post here.
Well, I guess I may as well start at the beginning. We met when I was 5 years old. He was my cousins best friend, and I was always over their house because they had the nicest toys and an in-ground swimming pool. We hit it off and remained friends ever since. When I was 15, I was cheated on by my first boyfriend with my best friend. Well, he was there (I'll just call him Jack from now on) for me and helped picked up the pieces. We then began dating, and we have been together ever since - almost 8 years now. Well, about a year into our relationship, we started smoking pot and stuff, but eventually ended up as opiate addicts. After a few years of this, and countless attempts to quit together, he went to the methadone clinic and counseling. I claimed to quit but was actually still using. That went on for another few years, until I finally came clean with him and sobered up. It's been a little over a year for me now.
Like most every night anymore, I went down to his house. I had been suspicious that he had been using for awhile now, but like all good addicts he lied and lied, and I desperately wanted to believe him. Well, I finally caught him doing it. This isn't the first time he relapsed. I'm just so very tired of this. Of course he says he's going to quit, but I've been through this so many times. I know how tough it is - I've been through it. He said he gave me another chance, and he did, so I should give him one. Well I have given him so many chances, I've lost count. He'll sober up for a few months-year, and then relapse. Tonight, I almost relapsed. I would have, except for I couldn't find anything, luckily.
I just don't know what to do, and there isn't anyone in my life that would understand what I am going through right now. He's been in my life forever, and I love him so very much, but I can't be risking my sobriety. If I leave him, I will want to use to ease the pain, but if I stay I will want to use because I know he is using. I just can't picture my life with him or without him. My head says go but my heart says stay. He said give him the weekend to sober up (I think he just wants to use the rest of his pills) so I guess I'll see come Monday. I just feel so alone and I hate not being able to talk to anyone about this. I don't know what to do. I haven't stopped crying for hours now. I've been puking and shaking. I keep having mini anxiety attacks and I can't breathe (smoking and asthma doesn't help either, but that's a different issue). I guess I just wanted to get it all out, so thank you for letting me post here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mass.
Posts: 49
He's been in my life forever, and I love him so very much, but I can't be risking my sobriety.
He wants the weekend to use, the he'll sober up next week...until when? It's too much for you to have to worry about his sobriety when you just said yours is on the line.
Get away from him, go to a meeting, go to a sober friend or familys house, get your head back into YOUR sobriety!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Stranger, glad you joined us.
It is hard to watch someone we love destroy themselves, and harder to walk away. But if we don't we get drawn into the addiction and go down with them.
I found that I couldn't stay in my recovery if I had one foot in my son's addiction. It just doesn't work that way.
Your sobriety may very well mean your life. He's not worth dying for, nobody is.
Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and maybe find the courage to live your life better.
Hugs
It is hard to watch someone we love destroy themselves, and harder to walk away. But if we don't we get drawn into the addiction and go down with them.
I found that I couldn't stay in my recovery if I had one foot in my son's addiction. It just doesn't work that way.
Your sobriety may very well mean your life. He's not worth dying for, nobody is.
Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and maybe find the courage to live your life better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you already know this, but you need to put your sobriety front and center.
many here are both a recovering addict, and also love someone who is an addict who is using.
welcome to s/r. you can come here to learn more about loving an addict, and what you can do about that. we say to detach from the addict, and take care of yourself.
peace,
many here are both a recovering addict, and also love someone who is an addict who is using.
welcome to s/r. you can come here to learn more about loving an addict, and what you can do about that. we say to detach from the addict, and take care of yourself.
peace,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Ann 
He's not worth dying for, nobody is.
It was not worth it.
He ended up hooking up with another addict/alcoholic, and they are still together after 20 years, using/drinking together.
She weighs maybe 90 pounds. Her face is scarred up from a car accident she had when she was loaded.
I didn't even recognize him the last time I saw him.
He went from a handsome, strapping, muscular guy to an old man with bloodshot eyes and a huge distended belly from all the alcohol consumption.
I'm not willing to give up my hard-earned recovery for anyone, period.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr.
sorry you are having to go through all of this but glad you found us. i understand where you are at right now, i've been exactly there myself. i'm a recovering addict who tried to stay with my addicted husband which caused me to throw away 9yrs sobriety and then 5yrs. after 21yrs of a 24yr marriage, i had to separated myself to save my sobriety and my sanity. today, i'm 8yrs clean and he passed away in feb/10, never having gotten serious about his recovery but still making promises to quit, when........... believe me, i heard all the promises of quitting plus every excuses that says "later".
i agree that its more than likely, your bf is saying what he needs to say to protect his addiction. you said it yourself, its not that easy to "just quit" try to keep the focus on you,, watch his actions. in time if he does decide to get serious, i'm sure you'll probably be one of the first to know.
sorry you are having to go through all of this but glad you found us. i understand where you are at right now, i've been exactly there myself. i'm a recovering addict who tried to stay with my addicted husband which caused me to throw away 9yrs sobriety and then 5yrs. after 21yrs of a 24yr marriage, i had to separated myself to save my sobriety and my sanity. today, i'm 8yrs clean and he passed away in feb/10, never having gotten serious about his recovery but still making promises to quit, when........... believe me, i heard all the promises of quitting plus every excuses that says "later".
i agree that its more than likely, your bf is saying what he needs to say to protect his addiction. you said it yourself, its not that easy to "just quit" try to keep the focus on you,, watch his actions. in time if he does decide to get serious, i'm sure you'll probably be one of the first to know.
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