Anybody break up with a pothead?
 

Just a question thats been bothering me today because of 4/20.
Did anyone just break up with a pothead?
If so, how is it now and what advice do you have, if any?
Im still heartbroken and its been two months no contact.
Also, I keep wondering if he ever cheated on me.
I dont peg him the type AT ALL but he spent alot of time away from me the last two months. Thats when I found out he was hiding a big secret....
anyway, any advice would be helpful
thanks :grouphug:

I can't say I've broken up with a pothead.. but I've been a pothead. I quit almost five years ago. It's irrelevant, but I think you made the right decision to leave him. I would NEVER date someone who smoked pot. It's illegal, and I don't care what people say, it's a gateway drug. From my experience, nearly every pothead I've met is just a loser. Harsh, but true. I was in fact that loser, until I decided I wanted better for myself.

I would stop trying to worry about the past. The I wishes, should of, could of, and worrying about what if's. It's done. Not to sound harsh, but it will be the easiest way to move on. I know, it's hard...

I'm sorry that you're heartbroken. Do you have any hobbies yourself. What do you like to do? Do you have positive, healthy friends that can offer you happiness and distraction? I would do everything in your power to just focus on you. You left him for a reason, try and focus on that.

I wish you the best honey. I know it's not easy. I don't know your whole story, so it's hard to offer much advice on it. I just truly believe potheads are a waste of time and energy. A lot of my friends still do it, and that's fine. I just fine myself wanting to see/talk to them less and less. You're better than that. Call me cynical or critical.. drugs are just stupid in my opinion. Pot included.

best of luck! :)

Hello NewLife,

Welcome.

I just hate it when I see 100 people have read a post and hardly anyone took the time to respond. Maybe they think like me, Jenny said it so well, how could we improve on that? But they're all here for you, me too.

CB

:grouphug:

thank you. I know. I never should have wasted my time. But I did, and it hurts like no other. I guess I thought it was a phase. 10 years is no phase.
I needed a better life for myself. I dont do drugs and I certainly dont want a man to raise my future kids around drugs.
It just takes time, and right now time won't move fast enough!
thanks for the support. Im keeping busy and staying away from him.
I am on the road to being successful and I just keep reminding myself of that.
He only brought me down.

For 10 years he chose drugs over you. And he would have for 10 more.

All men have faults...just make sure the faults of the next one you can live with. :wink:

newlife,

well, your name says much! good for you.

you are doing what you need to. it takes time. we need to feel our grief, and then, one day, the sun begins to shine again. doing things like checking up on him, hoping he will change the way we want, keeps us stuck.

i too thought that perhaps my addict boyfriend might be with someone else, when he would dissapear for a day or two at a time, and be vague about his whereabouts. later i found that he was using - not pot but harder drugs. he, too, wasn't the kind that would step out on me. i know now it was always the drugs. when they take over, that's the only thing for them (although some do use other women i guess)
it helped me to know that the other love was drugs not another woman.

i have a hard time believing that only pot use would look like this. but, it doesn't matter. he is now out of your life, and you WILL get over this.

i'd also like to say that you did not waste 10 years. you had to stay in that relationship for those years to get where you are today, and to learn what you had to learn. sometimes it takes a very long time (to learn) and sometimes we go back to the same lesson with other people. i hope that doesn't happen for you.

coffeedrinker~
you live in minneapolis? we should pm sometime. I could use a friend that understands this whole mess.
Yeah, it was the pot but here's the thing. Since he moved out of his parents house two months ago, I found out he was growing in his aunts house!
Thats when I left him. That's why he was so distant those two months. I had just recently mentioned cutting down to him because those two months he seemed so different and it was really affecting our relationship.....he wasn't calling as much and just seemed super paranoid, not wanting to ever leave the house. He even commented it was "too cold" one time to go out to eat.....and he's a snowmobiler! Thats when i knew something was up.

Anyway, I lost track of my thoughts but yeah we were only together for a year and a half. He has been addicted for 10 yrs (before me, starting at age 16). So if it takes half the time to get over him, I should be good by the fall lol.

I was a pothead- married a pothead. I got clean, and he didn't....Pot to me is changing seats on the Titanic. It is not healthy- 50 kinds of tar in it.....it's illegal.....I wish booze and cigarettes were too......My body is my temple.....glad finally feel that way and know I cannot live with anyone who is not healthy. My X did rehab but didn't get clean. I had to let go or be dragged. I still go to AA and Alanon and NA.

Hi Newlife.
I haven't been on this site in a long time. In fact, it's been months. I joined this site because, like you, I was torn apart by a pothead. It's been so long since him and I ended, but it still stings to know that a plant was more important. Doesn't it sound silly when it's put that way?
Trust me, keeping it no contact is the best thing for you. I went back so many times...and it never changes. I played his game for two years, and it still never changed. Please, please, take care of yourself and don't worry about him.

I tried suggesting cutting back on it to my guy too...it doesn't matter how much they try or don't try, if he was willing to do so, then he already would have. It's so hard watching those changes.

Please, feel free to message me. I'm gonna be around a whole lot more now. I may not be good with the advice, but I do understand 100%. It's never fun...

My AH was a pothead for 25 years. When I met him I knew he smoked it and basically gave him an ultimatum, me or the pot. He chose me and quit. But after quitting he had extreme anxiety and started taking Zanax. Then opiates. It all leads to destruction.

My brother is a pothead. It didn't seem so bad when he was young and single - he took care of himself and paid his bills. He had a lot of energy, then.

But then he got into adulthood. He didn't have the gumption to get an education; he was getting high.

He remains self-employed as a heavy equipment operator. Problem is, he can't afford much equipment, so his ability to earn is limited by his few, small machines. We're talking small, as in 4-wheeler with a plow to scrape snow at 3 am in the dead of winter. Or small tractor to smooth out new construction yards. He can't work for someone else and use larger equipment that would earn him more money, because he won't pass the drug tests they'd require and he knows this, so he doesn't even try.

He's now in his 50s, married, miserable with two kids living in misery in the household. He lives hand to mouth, hoping to make enough money each month to pay the bills. He and his wife bicker constantly but neither has enough money to get divorced and live independent of the other; they are simply too poor. He has no hope of ever advancing, or buying his own home.

I live across country, and every few years when I visit him, I see how his life is miserable, his family miserable, no hope apparent. I fully expect my next visit to see his older son smoking weed, too, now. The cycle continues.

He doesn't drink, or do hard drugs. But even so - who would want the life he does have, save a stoner?

CLMI

Welcome Newlife! Being here will help. It was 5 weeks ago that I told my ABF is was over. He's my first love, first everything and we've known each other for 23 years. I've never loved another man. We dated in high school and then I didn't have the money to go to college so I joined the military and he went to college and got into dealing. I can't tell you why but when I had the opportunity to be with him again and would call to find out how he was doing and find out he was still into dealing so I wouldn't go but I waited.

When it finally looked like he was going to get clean, he ended up getting a girl pregnant that he had only been dating a very short time, a month or so I'm told. He decided he wanted to do the right thing and married her; that ended in no less than a disaster with two beautiful kids and him smoking pot all day, every day.

A little over a year ago we were talking again and he finally decided he wanted to quit pot and drinking and he wanted to figure out how the two of us could be together. He has to have permission to take his kids anywhere and his ex won't give it and my child has two more years at the school she's been at since grade school; there were lots of things to figure out.

I waited patiently for him to try and quit himself and get to the point he would get some help/support. He never did and finally admitted he didn't want to quit. I was growing more and more frustrated with his lack of understanding how he gets when he's high or been drinking, just about everything that could go wrong in my life went wrong and his idea of support was just to talk more on the phone while he was high. I started to nag and we began to argue. Having grown up with a A brother and parents that abused alcohol and then a brush with an A husband I knew where this was headed so I decided to bow out gracefully, thinking we could at least be friends for the mean time and maybe he'd figure it out. Told him it was at least two years until I could leave where I was, his kids are still very young so he couldn't come to me for even longer so there was plenty of time to . . . figure things out but it didn't seem like a good idea to try and continue things long distance. He hasn't spoken to me in 5 weeks.

Like you, I don't believe it's about another woman but mine does have two other girlfriends - alcohol and pot. Worrying about what he's done or is doing is just part of feeling like a fool for taking so long to really see what was going on and start taking care of yourself - I would try to let that go like has already been suggested, it really is YOUR stuff coming to the surface.

I never thought he'd turn me off like he has and it hurts like hell but he's made his choice. I keep thinking we could have been like a fairy tale, so many years, so much in common, on and on and on. That part, the dream of what I thought we were, it's real to me as I'm sure your dream is real to you. There's nothing to be done for our disappointment and pain but what the ladies here have been telling you - get back into your hobbies and if you don't have any, get some. Alanon meetings really help me as well as AA. Recovering A will encourage you and give you the other side of the perspective, they can also tell you what the things you're addict has been saying REALLY mean. I find that helpful when I start replaying all the things he said to me, the things that made me feel like heaven was shining down on me and then all the things he DID that didn't go with what he said.

The man you love is in there, I BELIEVE that about mine and all the others here, the problem is they're lost to us until they decide to live. We have to go on with our lives. Living with an addict changes us, damages part of who we are. The dream we had while we were with them, that has to die or that part of you that is changed and damaged will never be repaired and we will live in sickness, apart from them but right along with them.

I am glad you're here and hope that you find some smiles today or tommorrow.

i'm dealing with a breakup involving a pothead. you aren't alone.

i agree. it's the addict. not the drug of choice.

thanks everyone for your advice and perspectives. I hung out with my friends ex tonight. She just wanted to "hang out" with him as friends so I humored her.
Anyway, he is a pothead and I told him about my breakup with my ex. After awhile, her ex admitted to me that he grows too.
He is the same age as my ex, still lives at home, and when he talks, he sounds like a 16 year old.
It REALLY opened my eyes. My ex just wasn't what I needed. I settled and I need to stop doing that. I always settle and I need to start looking for a guy thats on my level.
Its been a long journey so far, but I am slowly restoring my self esteem and learning some heavy lessons about love and lust along the way.
I need to take my blinders off and take into consideration these little red flags when they come along. Then I need to RUN!!!!!!!
When I met my ex, he was a pothead living at home, unemployed.....
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Im happy to say that Im finally changing and it feels so good to be out of the bubble.

My husband was/is addicted to pot. I hate it. I couldn't stand seeing him grab his bong and head for the back porch. Then I'd hear the sound of his lighter, then him hacking away coughing.

He'd cough so hard his face would turn beet red and his veins would pop up. I thought he'd have an aneurysm.

He smoked first thing in the morning, all day and last thing he did before he went to bed. He spent lots of time, money and energy on his mistress Maryjane. She came before his kids, food, rent, bills, everything.

Along with his cigs, booze, pot, meth, sex addictions not to mention the mental, emotion, verbal, psychological abuse he spewed forth on me and the children and as if that wasn't enough I found out that he was a narcissist (a cheating one at that) Soooooo, I kicked his arse out and the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Now when I get up in the morning I get to enjoy the sounds of the birds signing instead of listening to an annoying pothead choking on a bong hit and hacking up a lung.

Life is peaceful without a pothead in it :)
Passion

God, I remember that sound every morning. The lighter, the sound of the water in the bong, and then the hacking cough. Every morning and every night. I hated it, I hated the smell and I hated seeing that stoned look in his eyes. He was getting stoned before he went to work, sometimes that involved getting up early and handling explosives. Stoned and handling explosives? My God. How stupid is that. He also works construction jobs in the summer (he works freelance for his friends) where he smokes on the job. Then he wonders why he broke a $600 sink! I was way too tolerant of that crap. We couldn't even go on a hike without him stopping to light up. Nature you know. Great place to get stoned.

He offered it to me twice in one day before when we first started going out. He knew I didn't touch the stuff, but offered it anyways. I was pissed he did and told him so. It was just him being uncomfortable around a sober person.

I don't know about him, but I think life and the world look pretty damn great on their own to be altered by drugs...

oh gawsh. that cough.

the cough became so annoying. it grated on my nerves. then i felt guilty because i would say "well it's not his fault"

but that's ridiculous. it's just illogical thinking.

Yep my exah smoked hydroponic stogies like they were cigarettes! (10 - 15 a day) ... I absolutely hated...hated the smell!!! His eyes were continuously glazed over. His cough could be heard for at least a block away!

Then after smoking would eat a weeks worth of groceries in an afternoon and then call all his buddies to tell them how high he was... WTF!

He spent at least 800 to 900 a month on pot and the grocery bill was about the same... looking back.... I put the groceries on the credit card so he could have cash to buy his pot... I'm still paying for the groceries he ate last year!!!!

Mine too would want to take a ride to the country to enjoy nature while stoned.

makes me sick to think of it again... yuck!

I wouldn't break up with someone just cause they smoked pot sometimes as long as it was reasonable - like a non-alky enjoying a glass of wine or two. If the person was stunted in life because of it, that's a different thing. I don't require a Morman - just a responsible non-addict.