pamhausle

I am married to a non-treated bipolar substance abuser. He uses marijuana and alcohol to cope with his depression, and when he does this it sends immediately into manic, bordering on psychotic, episodes. He has ruined his once-thriving busines by alienating clients with his acidic beratements. He has been banned for life from numerous internet posting sites. OUr teenaged daughters have no respect for him. Today he managed to get us kicked out of our bank! This all happens while I am at work. I come home to find him drunk and sulking, or manically abusing the pets. Why am I still here? Well, he wasn't like this at all for the first 7 years of our marriage (we've been married almost 19 years). When we moved back to our hometown after our first child was born, he got in touch with a boyhood friend, the same friend who still supplies him with marijuana. This so-called friend knows about the cannabis-induced mania, and has some idea about what my children and I have to go through. This 'friend' has a wife and 3 children and they seem very normal. I have spoken with both or them about this problem. I said nothing for years and years. They seemed to understand and want to help. That was 6 months ago, and things got better for a while. 2 weeks or so ago, my husband was in a deep depression, realizing (as he does when he 'comes back' as I call it) what he has been putting us through. His 'friend' called and invited my husband to a gaming night - I know longer accompany him to this, the 'friends' are uncomfortable having me there. Of course, he came home very late, drunk, and with marijuana, which he hides from me, but I know all his hiding places. I found it but did not take it, as this has caused problems before. That was more than a horrific week ago. He has trashed his office (over the garage) with the 'plan' of painting the room. He has broken just about every coffee mug and drinking glass in the house. This is the kind of thing that happens regularly.
Here is where I need advice: should I contact the 'friend' again? This guy, I think, really cares about my husband, and maybe just does not understand the severity of the problem. I never want to see my husband taken away in a straight jacket again. I love him, but I have had almost more than I can take, certainly dealt with it longer than most would have. My dad thinks I should kick my husband out, but I really want to work through this. I would appreciate any feedback I can get. I really have no one with whom to confide.

justjo

OK 19yrs - 7yrs = 12 years of this crap. I wouldnt even get the 'friend' involved. This is a serious problem/addiction. Untreated - Why?
This is the first step I would take - get him diagnosed properly and into professional medical help.
For your sake and the childrens sake, I would be leaving or he needs to seek immediate professional help. Ask yourself why these years have passed and why you are still enabling him. Love conquers all?? nonsense, sanity conquers all.

Rianestorm

I'm sorry if I seem unsympathetic, but all I seem to be able to think about is your daughters. I grew up in nearly identical circumstances and I don't think you realize how hugely damaging this is.

If there is any possible way for you to get him help, my advice is to do it. And if you can't do that, my honestly well-intentioned advice is to think of your children and animals.

Both of them depend on you for a home, food, water and protection. And if they can't recieve those things they will make you pay a price for not supplying that.

If you knew me you would be shocked at some of the things I've done to my parents. I'm very soft-spoken and kind, but I've called the cops on them more times than I can count. I've yelled and screamed and cried. I made a real and sincere attempt to ruin my life just to get back at them. And very nearly succeeded.

Because when you want to hurt someone, you don't hurt them. You hurt what they love most. And that was me. I knew they loved me, they just didn't do it well. And I was always one of those kids who was more than willing to cut off their nose to spite their face.

I really hope you take this in the spirit it was intended.

Riane

outonalimb

When my exah began to use heroin, I blamed his problem on a friend of his.

I thought if I could just convince this 'friend' how devastating the heroin was to our family, he would stop using with my exah and things would be right again. Addiction doesn't work this way. Even if you were able to convince this man that he is harming your husband and family and he decides to stop supplying your husband with marijuana, your husband will find it elsewhere. Do you see that? Trying to fix this problem by focusing on the friend is like trying to cure cancer by taking away someone's cigarettes. The disease will continue until REAL medical treatment is sought.

I know you're probably at a low point right now but I have to ask you to consider how this is effecting you and your children. I can't imagine growing up in this type of environment. Your daughters will carry this experience with them their whole life. And although they may hate the situation, they will probably seek out a man alot like their dad because they have come to think chaos and addiction are normal.

You aren't powerless over your life. You're just powerless over his addiction. I truly hope that you will seek help for yourself. Do it for yourself...do it for your children. And, believe it or not, once you seek help for yourself and find ways to remove yourself and your children from this situation, you may actually find that you've helped your husband in the process. Don't do it for him. Do it for you.

Krys

I am new to the addiction side of things but I am not new to Bipolar disorder. He needs treatment for that NOW. He is self medicating because more than likely even when he is "back" he is unhappy and is suffering with highs, lows and mania that accompany the disorder. It is not an excuse for his behavior (you need to get yourself, kids and pets safe first!) but you may see a difference after he is treated. I work with children with this disorder and a lot of times they need to be hospitalized until the doctors can get them stable with the right dose and combination of meds. I really feel for you, and although I am new to addiction and probably don't have the right to give anyone advice on it just yet, I am hear if you need an ear. I don't know if he is the type to agree to help or not, if he does not I really hope you can take care of yourself and keep safe.

Freedom1990

You can co-sign me on the above sentiments.

I'd also recommend hopping over to the adult children of alcoholics forum here at SR and read how this kind of insanity has affected adults who had to grow up with it.

BleadingHeart

Hi. My daughter is bi-polar, and O.D.D., it's not fun. 3 months ago she started medications for bi-polar and life has improved dramatically. She was in so much mental pain that SHE wanted the help, which is most of the battle. Good luck, you are not alone.