86753091

Good morning new friends,

Was it only last week that the chaos seemed to have lessened and I was seeing a little light at the end of my tunnel? That darn classmates.com website, I never should have signed up. People keep finding me. But the past 2 or 3 days I have been very happily beginning a new relationship with some cute guy I missed out on in high school. It's 35 years later and were both grown and it's really been a nice few days of getting to know each other.

Too much to wish for. My AD didn't make it home last night. Her AJODDBF (addicted - jerk off - drug dealing - boyfriend) who's supposedly on his way to jail - just not soon enough - is apparently still available to her. I hope. Because otherwise, who knows what may have happened to her. As her latest episode winds down and she becomes more and more mentally stable - I have to wonder what sort crap she may be getting herself into as opposed to someone persuading her into crap. Maybe she'll turn up sober and sane in time for her SMART therapy classes today.

I really hate drugs and drug addicts and the way they selfishly consume a mother's thoughts. I woke up with such pleasant thoughts on my mind, and a sweet little good morning email to go with them, until I found the AD hadn't made it home and my thoughts have been stolen away. She never sends me any sweet little good morning emails.

I really hate drugs and drug addicts. It's never gonna end, is it?

Thanks for the place to vent,

cb

outonalimb

CB...

You're powerless.
Offer your AD up to your higher power for care, take a deep breath, and go on with your day. I know its not easy. Sending special mom hugs your way.......

Ann

I prefer "Love the addict, hate the disease."

But that's me, today, when it's not in my face.

Hope your daughter is okay and makes her session today.

Big hugs from one mama to another.

86753091

Which leads me to another thought and probably should be another thread but, am I destined to live my life with addicts, co-dependants and friends and family of addicts?

So many people have lives that don't revolve around addiction. It's the sort of life I prefer and gravitate toward and had for 40 years, but I'm dragged back into the world of addiction because nobody wants this sort of thing invading thier drug free world.

I don't want to try to figure out if my date is working his program, or if he's been clean and sober long enough. I just want to happily try to figure out where he's going to take me this weekend.

It's never gonna end is it?

cb

gotahavfaith

I feel exactly the same way CB. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Let's just take a deep breath, and say a prayer and go on with our day. I'll try to have a good day if you do to.

Gotahavfaith :ghug3

Chino

Your participation in the world of addiction ends when you want that.

I participate in the world of recovery, no active addictions allowed, not even my behavioral addictions. If I slip in my personal recovery program, then I slip back into that world of chaos.

86753091

"My 27 year old daughter is a drug addict. My life is filled with the various struggles related to that. In this world we call it chaos. I cannot relay to you the horrible examples, I can only spare you.

So I’m sorry to say we cannot continue this relationship, because I am otherwise engaged."


My life is just a giant nightmare.

86753091

I just feel like I'm going to be finding someone to share my life with in a different world. I'll probably find some relatively nice man at a nar-anon meeting someday. I just have to re-think my boundries in this area. If some man is gonna love me, he's going to have to be willing to accept these worlds of addiction and recovery because that's where I live. I just have to accept it and move on. It's just really in my face this morning and making it easier for me to accept.

Thank you all for jumping right in here with me for support - it really is a world full of generous people who share reality with you.

Freedom1990

I sleep well at nights knowing I have placed my AD in God's loving hands.

What she does/doesn't do with her life has absolutely no bearing on my life or happiness.

86753091

I suppose I shouldn't be so hands on, after all it has been several weeks since she stopped hearing the voices. I'm sorry, Anvilhead, I know that was sacastic of me.

I've reunited with about 2 dozen high school chums (men and women) over the past year, this was different. Prior to this I have only shared my struggles with my daughter's addiction with one of them and it effectively got him off my back, he was bugging me to date him and I didn't want to. One slap of reality and he gave me back my space. But now, another old friend need to know. Funny how I've put this part of my life on a "need to know" basis.

I'm not blaming my daughter or her addiction for the lack of anything in my world or for the presence of anything. I'm just, day by day living my program and today is the day I have to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change the circumstances of my daily life, I can only accept what I've been given and work with what I have. Today has been a little bit of heartache and it's not even noon. I have a house to clean and some sewing to do and a little later today I have to get out for a walk to the store. My life goes on and I accept it. Maybe one day I'll meet a nice man who's the right one for me, and maybe it just didn't happen yet. I got all excited over nothing and it made me hurt. I'm grateful I can still feel these feelings.

Thank you again but I accept my world and I'm moving on.

cb

PS Don't think I'm moving on without hope. Later this evening when I have a talk with this guy, I'm going to hope he's able to accept me and my world the way we are. Or maybe that conversation will come later when he's had time to digest it all. It really is a big part of a person's life and who they are and how they live. An important part to share from the beginning.

Spiritual Seeker

Your AD should not be in control of your sanity, happiness, joy, relationships, etc

You are the one who makes this choice. Detachment is a wonderful thing.

Is your AD a minor?

86753091

My AD is not a minor - though she has been heavily addicted from age 16. She'll be 27 on Wednesday. I think she'll pop up for her birthday - we're supposed to spend the day together and we haven't missed one yet.

She's my only child and I don't think I can detach. I really have to learn more about this. I think that all the materials available will only justify detachment. I'm not sure it's the right thing for us and am not anxious to experiment. It's just us two. The cost is too high if I'm wrong. She did leave Sunday night with the AJODDBF. She doesn't even see that she is directly responsible for his upcomming stay in jail and how stupid she is to be with him now. It's just not like her not call.

TT the high school guy - he says he understands and is happy to move forward with our relationship, seems sincere and I have no reason to doubt him, I just don't think he has a clue what real drug addiction looks like - I totally did not mention the voices. But I did tell him everything else. We'll see, it's a lot for a guy who's never smoked a cigarette and only drank beer about 3 times in his life. This whole thing just paled in comparison to my missing girl somewhere around 3pm and I almost didn't bother with him, almost.

cb

Chino

What does detachment mean to you?

Sunshine2

I am not an expert at all, but I have to ask: How has your close involvement worked for you for 11 years? Maybe it is time to look at that and answer it honestly.

86753091

My AD has no other family and her "friends" for the past many, many years are mostly unreliable drug addicts - not in recovery. We are in AZ our family is in CA and for the most part, unavailable. I feel she only has me to catch her if she falls in the world. Everyone needs someone they can count on 100%. If I turn my back on her when she tries to call me for help, there may not be another number for her to call. I cannot physically detach.

People always say "Let go and let God", right now when I know she's in a somewhat precarious position and there's nothing I can do about it - I have to let go and find peace in letting God catch her. I pray God keeps her safe when she or I cannot.

My biggest fear is that, while under the influence of drugs, weather illegal street drugs or anti-psychotic prescribed medications, she'll run out of cigarettes and money and hang around the front of a Circle K until some guy buys her a pack. Then I'm afraid he'll say "get in baby" and I'll never see her again because she'll be dead in the desert somewhere. Happens every day and there is nothing that makes her different than any other available woman for this sort of opportunistic predator.

So most other times in her life, I treat her as a responsible adult and let her do her thing. When she's not 100% mentally stable - I become overly involved and I don't think it's a good time to be letting go.

I cannot emotionally detach from this girl. Even if I didn't have all the motherly ties, she was the first born of the first born, I was the first born of the first born, so was my mother and my grandmother. We women have been (unfairly I'm sure if you ask the other siblings) specially loved by each other, specially talented, and the Madeas.
I cannot emotionally detach from my first born.

So I cannot physically detach myself from her and I know that I cannot emtionally detach from her - how am I supposed to detach?

If she dies, my world will end. I cannot imagine the pain I'll endure, but I've had many sleepless nights trying to steel myself up for the news - that hasn't come yet. I cannot imagine cleaning my house, sewing a little something or taking a walk to the store if she were dead - why would I?

CB

Sunshine2

I so understand what you are saying CB. My first born is my AS. I hang on to him for 9 years thinking he has no other place to go and that I need to be his safety net. The first day I found this forum, I also found this: (hope it is OK to repost)

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

-----------
It really spoke to me. I cried for two days and felt so incredibly sad because I was saying goodbye to the son that was still living in my mind. For the first time I knew with absolute certainty that me being a safety net for him has stopped him from learning to look after himself. I still worry about him, but I know I have to step back and let him learn whatever he needs to learn.

86753091

I am a Madea. My initial response to this drug issue 11 years ago was far different than what you see today. I have tried different stratedgies. Picture Madea finding out her child was doing drugs, I responded in her "heavy handed" way. The way I thought I should, naturally. It was not politically correct to treat a 16 year old child that way and her drug use was ignored and I was "chastized". I know no other way. I struggle through the ways of AA. It's un-natural for me.

Frankly, it involved survelliance, kidnap and forced hospitalization - but I was not going to let my child go to drugs and I feel equally strongly today yet I physically restrain to adhere to societies rules.

cb

86753091

"If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound."

I've seen this quote before and the do not believe in letting someone hit bottom where's today's drugs are concerned. Bottom is too easily death for meth or crack addicts.

Sunshine2

I know CB. How sad is that. But the truth is that whether we are there or not, an overdose can happen. Death can happen in our houses.

I, like you have also tried everything I could think of. I guess we all have. A week earlier I still said to a friend of mine that I do NOT prescribe to tough love, my son needs a roof over his head. I don't know exactly what happened. A light bulb went off and I just knew that no matter how hard I try, I couldn't save my son. I realised that maby if I let him go he could save himself.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you.

Chino

That is a choice and it doesn't sound like it's working very well for you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ment-love.html