Careful what you wish for
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I cannot detach...
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are correct. When you decide to, you will be able to detach, on a daily (or hour by hour, sometimes) basis, with help from your Higher Power. I am an oldest of an oldest, and my daughter is my oldest. She is 22 and sometimes stays gone all night, or flunks a class, or makes a bad choice. My mood isn't dependent on her, although it used to be. Today I choose to let her go and let God. And I get to start my day over whenever I want to. So do you!
Love,
KJ
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are correct. When you decide to, you will be able to detach, on a daily (or hour by hour, sometimes) basis, with help from your Higher Power. I am an oldest of an oldest, and my daughter is my oldest. She is 22 and sometimes stays gone all night, or flunks a class, or makes a bad choice. My mood isn't dependent on her, although it used to be. Today I choose to let her go and let God. And I get to start my day over whenever I want to. So do you!
Love,
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
I am always powerless against her addiction. I know the decision for change must come from the individual. There have been great periods of time, during this 11 years, that I have had a "hands off" approach. There have been great periods of time for reflection and advice. There have been great periods of time when I enjoyed life without the fear of death hanging over my head. It's just not today. Today I'm just trying hard to keep her alive so the light bulb, one day, can go off in her head. Tomorrow may not be this hard.
I wish the light bulb would go off in my head for detachment - but it hasn't yet. So here I am trying again. I just don't get it. But I have help and I know where to get it. AA is a wonderful safety net.
If I thought for 1 minute that she would ever run to a 12 stepper in her time of need - I would completeley detach. But I have no faith in her where this is concerned. She has not done it yet. She never talks the talk. She has never shown me any desire to curb her addiction.
I just do my best to keep her alive until she's ready.
I wish the light bulb would go off in my head for detachment - but it hasn't yet. So here I am trying again. I just don't get it. But I have help and I know where to get it. AA is a wonderful safety net.
If I thought for 1 minute that she would ever run to a 12 stepper in her time of need - I would completeley detach. But I have no faith in her where this is concerned. She has not done it yet. She never talks the talk. She has never shown me any desire to curb her addiction.
I just do my best to keep her alive until she's ready.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How hard this is for parents to understand. I'm sorry for your struggles. I just see you digging a hole deep enough to bury your daughter and yourself in and I don't sense that you have any idea that you are doing this.
I hope you can step back long enough to think about the wonderful things that people have said here today. Just consider that maybe there is another way to love and support your daughter.
Do you realize that this isn't detaching? This is controlling. This is saying if she does it my way, I will let her.
She has no desire to curb her addiction right now. She doesn't want to change at this point in time. You can't force her. Try to love her as she is. And accept that what she is doing IS what she wants to do right now. And then figure out what you are willing to put up with in your life and around you - and draw boundaries. Focus on you and your sanity. It's no good if you let so much life be sucked out of you fighting her addiction NOW, when she's not ready, that when she finally does want help, you are unable to support her because you have no strength left in you.
Have you considered that what you are doing may be causing more harm then good? There is another way...
I hope you can step back long enough to think about the wonderful things that people have said here today. Just consider that maybe there is another way to love and support your daughter.
If I thought for 1 minute that she would ever run to a 12 stepper in her time of need - I would completeley detach.
She has never shown me any desire to curb her addiction.
I just do my best to keep her alive until she's ready.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Try working the 12 steps of al-anon.
It can change your life.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
We can be as sick as the addict in our own way. This is what we have control to change
It can change your life.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
We can be as sick as the addict in our own way. This is what we have control to change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
Hello SR friends,
Of course my girl came home in time for her b-day. Safe again. She's anxiously looking forward to whatever gift I was able to send her, I was too exhausted to travel and spend the day at the mall, as we normally do.
She probably won't be really thrilled, I sent her a blue book, a birthday card and a short letter that includes the local phone numbers of available sobriety assistance in her area.
Far cry from our usuall $200 at Victoria's Secret and $400-$500 on whatever else in the mall strikes her fancy.
Who knew mom's could respond in this fashion?
Me? I had a home delivery with a midwife & a doctor 27 years ago today, and I am celebrating myself. I'm having my favorite kind of cake, my favorite champage, and my favorite chicken dinner.
Am I detaching?
The high school sweetheart thing probably wont work for me - don't you hate it when someone you thought was so wonderful doesn't turn out to be as intelligent as you might want a man to be in your life? But he has been a pleasant diversion in the midst of this recent chaos and he really is wonderful in a sweet sort of way. Couple more dates and I'm detaching.
Thank you for your support - I hope there is no "next time"
Of course my girl came home in time for her b-day. Safe again. She's anxiously looking forward to whatever gift I was able to send her, I was too exhausted to travel and spend the day at the mall, as we normally do.
She probably won't be really thrilled, I sent her a blue book, a birthday card and a short letter that includes the local phone numbers of available sobriety assistance in her area.
Far cry from our usuall $200 at Victoria's Secret and $400-$500 on whatever else in the mall strikes her fancy.
Who knew mom's could respond in this fashion?
Me? I had a home delivery with a midwife & a doctor 27 years ago today, and I am celebrating myself. I'm having my favorite kind of cake, my favorite champage, and my favorite chicken dinner.
Am I detaching?
The high school sweetheart thing probably wont work for me - don't you hate it when someone you thought was so wonderful doesn't turn out to be as intelligent as you might want a man to be in your life? But he has been a pleasant diversion in the midst of this recent chaos and he really is wonderful in a sweet sort of way. Couple more dates and I'm detaching.
Thank you for your support - I hope there is no "next time"
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