Any suggestions? Stuck at Step 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
Any suggestions? Stuck at Step 1
Dear SR Friends,
I am married to a pill addict. After excellent advice from you all, I have returned to Nar Anon. I have been to a few meetings, and I plan to keep going for a long time. I now realize I have a long way to go.
So here's my question/problem- I believe in my brain that I have no control over his addiction, but my feelings always get the best of me. I can't get myself to completely 100% admit that I have no control over his addiction. I feel like I could be stuck on step 1 for months... It's tought to explain. I really believe (when I'm thinking realistically) that I have no control over him. But my actions, thoughts, etc. don't match up. I have been reading a lot about detachment. But nothing seems to get through to "my heart" that I can't control his addiction.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Is it just going to take time? I could really use some good advice... And I always find it on SR.
Thanks a Bunch,
Christen
I am married to a pill addict. After excellent advice from you all, I have returned to Nar Anon. I have been to a few meetings, and I plan to keep going for a long time. I now realize I have a long way to go.
So here's my question/problem- I believe in my brain that I have no control over his addiction, but my feelings always get the best of me. I can't get myself to completely 100% admit that I have no control over his addiction. I feel like I could be stuck on step 1 for months... It's tought to explain. I really believe (when I'm thinking realistically) that I have no control over him. But my actions, thoughts, etc. don't match up. I have been reading a lot about detachment. But nothing seems to get through to "my heart" that I can't control his addiction.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Is it just going to take time? I could really use some good advice... And I always find it on SR.
Thanks a Bunch,
Christen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Christen,
You summed up my feelings so well.
After years of recovery work (with periods of relapse mixed in between), I'm right back where I started -at Step 1. I'm certainly no expert.
I was thinking about this yesterday...trying to define EXACTLY what it is that I am powerless over.
The obvious answer, of course, is that I can't make choices for him but thats just the tip of the iceberg. It doesn't matter how much I love him, how badly I want to see our family in tact and healthy, or what I think he's capable of being with recovery under his belt. Nothing I do, say, think, feel or believe makes a bit of difference when it comes to his problem. Nothing.
The hardest part of this battle is reconciling our head with our hearts.
Maybe our hearts are never fully on-board. After all, we love these people. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. In my case, the addict will always be my son's father. For that reason alone, my heart will always hold on to some type of hope that my exah will get and stay clean. And thats okay, I guess.
Maybe it just boils down to moving forward with your head...even though your heart isn't on board. I dont' want to believe that we have to give up the hope we hold in our heart to recover.
You summed up my feelings so well.
After years of recovery work (with periods of relapse mixed in between), I'm right back where I started -at Step 1. I'm certainly no expert.
I was thinking about this yesterday...trying to define EXACTLY what it is that I am powerless over.
The obvious answer, of course, is that I can't make choices for him but thats just the tip of the iceberg. It doesn't matter how much I love him, how badly I want to see our family in tact and healthy, or what I think he's capable of being with recovery under his belt. Nothing I do, say, think, feel or believe makes a bit of difference when it comes to his problem. Nothing.
The hardest part of this battle is reconciling our head with our hearts.
Maybe our hearts are never fully on-board. After all, we love these people. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. In my case, the addict will always be my son's father. For that reason alone, my heart will always hold on to some type of hope that my exah will get and stay clean. And thats okay, I guess.
Maybe it just boils down to moving forward with your head...even though your heart isn't on board. I dont' want to believe that we have to give up the hope we hold in our heart to recover.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"Fake it 'til you make it"
That's what I had to do. I understood the words of being powerless, but couldn't find a way to accept them until I changed my behavior. I had to go through the motions first. I had to practice staying out of others business before I no longer wanted to.
Trying to control others is a habit, just like an addict trying to control their DOC. I had this habit for a very long time and it's taken a ton of work to break it. I still comes up to nip at me every now and then but, since I've re-established self control, my actions no longer reflect it.
That's what I had to do. I understood the words of being powerless, but couldn't find a way to accept them until I changed my behavior. I had to go through the motions first. I had to practice staying out of others business before I no longer wanted to.
Trying to control others is a habit, just like an addict trying to control their DOC. I had this habit for a very long time and it's taken a ton of work to break it. I still comes up to nip at me every now and then but, since I've re-established self control, my actions no longer reflect it.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Well, I'm still on Step 1 as well... I do NOT want to move on until I've "got it" down as I see it as the foundation to the rest of the program. That being said, I understand how hard it is to completely let go. I'll tell you what I'm doing...but I understand this is what's right for me and my family...it may not be right for everyone.
My husband is also a "pill" addict... He has been an active addict for years and years. I came to realize through the sticky 'What Addicts Do' that I had been deluding myself for many, many years. I wanted to deny his behavior because I didn't want to deal with them, and I didn't want to have to make some very difficult decisions. So, even though the blinder came off so-to-speak, I still couldn't let go of the "investigative", nagging, anxiety behaviors. I wanted to know if he was using...when, where, how, etc...then, I was going to leave for good (yeah, just like the other ten times...not). Well, two weekends past, I just "knew" he was using even though he denied it...so I forced a separation from him. It felt sooooo good. No more analyzing strange behavior slurred words, sleeping 'til noon, etc... The house was peaceful with just me and my daughters. I loved it... So I told him last week I was filing for a divorce. I still love him, I always will...and I hope he finds his recovery. But like I told him...it's as if we both jumped out of an airplane and are careening towards earth at 1,000 miles an hour. I was waiting for him to pull his parachute so I could pull mine...we'd do it together. I realized last week he may never pull his parachute, but I COULDN'T wait to pull mine any longer...so I did. I pray he will eventually, but if he doesn't, that's his choice.
So, I'm staging my house and will put it up for sale in the next couple of weeks. I'll live with my parents short-term until I can get on my feet again. Emotionally, I've never felt better. Because you see...for me...I couldn't detach while we shared the same space...and I would never get over the anxiety that his reckless behavior could have major financial implications for everything we've worked for for the last ten years. So, I'm taking steps to put space between us emotionally and financially. If years down the road he's wanting to work things out between us or I am...I'll be emotionally healthy enough to make a decision one way or another. But I won't live for that or focus on that...but rather, focus on me and my daughters and ensuring a healthy, safe, loving environment for us is my priority...
I know that's long, but I hope it helps you...email me if you ever want to chat!!!!
My husband is also a "pill" addict... He has been an active addict for years and years. I came to realize through the sticky 'What Addicts Do' that I had been deluding myself for many, many years. I wanted to deny his behavior because I didn't want to deal with them, and I didn't want to have to make some very difficult decisions. So, even though the blinder came off so-to-speak, I still couldn't let go of the "investigative", nagging, anxiety behaviors. I wanted to know if he was using...when, where, how, etc...then, I was going to leave for good (yeah, just like the other ten times...not). Well, two weekends past, I just "knew" he was using even though he denied it...so I forced a separation from him. It felt sooooo good. No more analyzing strange behavior slurred words, sleeping 'til noon, etc... The house was peaceful with just me and my daughters. I loved it... So I told him last week I was filing for a divorce. I still love him, I always will...and I hope he finds his recovery. But like I told him...it's as if we both jumped out of an airplane and are careening towards earth at 1,000 miles an hour. I was waiting for him to pull his parachute so I could pull mine...we'd do it together. I realized last week he may never pull his parachute, but I COULDN'T wait to pull mine any longer...so I did. I pray he will eventually, but if he doesn't, that's his choice.
So, I'm staging my house and will put it up for sale in the next couple of weeks. I'll live with my parents short-term until I can get on my feet again. Emotionally, I've never felt better. Because you see...for me...I couldn't detach while we shared the same space...and I would never get over the anxiety that his reckless behavior could have major financial implications for everything we've worked for for the last ten years. So, I'm taking steps to put space between us emotionally and financially. If years down the road he's wanting to work things out between us or I am...I'll be emotionally healthy enough to make a decision one way or another. But I won't live for that or focus on that...but rather, focus on me and my daughters and ensuring a healthy, safe, loving environment for us is my priority...
I know that's long, but I hope it helps you...email me if you ever want to chat!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But like I told him...it's as if we both jumped out of an airplane and were careening towards earth at 1,000 miles an hour. I was waiting for him to pull his parachute so I could pull mine...we'd do it together. I realized last week he may never pull his parachute, but I COULDN'T wait to pull mine any longer...so I did. I pray he will eventually, but if he doesn't, that's his choice.
Thank you ThatLittleGirl.
Beth
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
For Me, I had a hard enough time minding my own business, let alone minding someone else's for them.
Something had to give. I had to fix Me. That was it. I was (am) broken and I
knew (know) it.....and the Steps have worked so well for millions of people, who am I to change them> so now I follow directions and keep the focus on Me. I am a much easier person to be around because of it...it is showing.
Step One I think is the hardest one to come by, but once it really sinks in....the ride is so much easier. It happens to everyone at different times in their lives....yours will come too. Be patient, and keep working....it works.
((((( hugs ))))))
Something had to give. I had to fix Me. That was it. I was (am) broken and I
knew (know) it.....and the Steps have worked so well for millions of people, who am I to change them> so now I follow directions and keep the focus on Me. I am a much easier person to be around because of it...it is showing.
Step One I think is the hardest one to come by, but once it really sinks in....the ride is so much easier. It happens to everyone at different times in their lives....yours will come too. Be patient, and keep working....it works.
((((( hugs ))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 36
The big ONE!
I have an AS and kicked him out about six weeks ago. I read step one faithfully as well as other al-anon material but, just like you, didn't feel convinced.
Just yesterday, I realized that to get past step one, I don't have to give up hope. I think I had given up and it was causing me a lot of saddness for the past week. I can have hope. I can ask my higher power to watch over him and keep him safe and let him have sobriety one day. Now I feel I am at step two. I don't know if this helps....but this is what helps me.
I hope you find some comfort...peace....and hope from all of us here and your higher power - you know, we deserve it.
Kelly
Just yesterday, I realized that to get past step one, I don't have to give up hope. I think I had given up and it was causing me a lot of saddness for the past week. I can have hope. I can ask my higher power to watch over him and keep him safe and let him have sobriety one day. Now I feel I am at step two. I don't know if this helps....but this is what helps me.
I hope you find some comfort...peace....and hope from all of us here and your higher power - you know, we deserve it.
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have been doing Alanon for over 10 years. When I stopped caring about my husband (now ex) I thought I had finally "learned" step 1.
I didn't even fully realize how difficult step 1 is, until my abf relapsed (last year) and I was calling him, sending messages, calling him on stuff that didn't make sense, trying to reason with him, and showing up at the town he was in, 100 miles from mine! Looking back I clearly see how off-the-wall crazy it was, and I was, but at the time, I truly, truly did not.
Every so often, I would get a call or text that stated how close he was to falling apart. Barely hanging on, he would say. It was implied, and I assumed, we were talking about the mental illness issues that can flare up and bring him to his knees. I now understand that wasn't it.
The full impact of my powerlessness hit me right between the eyes when on the run down there to rescue him, when I did know he was using, did know he was stuck and seemingly unable to break free, and knew that he was on the verge of a breakdown. The timing was right - I knew it. But meeting him, a lot of tears from both of us, and falling asleep exhausted, I realized he was not going back with me. I got myself up at 4 in the morning, drove and chain-smoked back home, and let go.
My experience was that it had to get that bad - I had to really experience the complete powerlessness (and the craziness that accompanies trying to have some power) in order for me to really get it.
I have back-slided a bit since that awful time, but I never question how much power I really have.
I think it takes time. For some of us, a really, really long time.
Peace,
I didn't even fully realize how difficult step 1 is, until my abf relapsed (last year) and I was calling him, sending messages, calling him on stuff that didn't make sense, trying to reason with him, and showing up at the town he was in, 100 miles from mine! Looking back I clearly see how off-the-wall crazy it was, and I was, but at the time, I truly, truly did not.
Every so often, I would get a call or text that stated how close he was to falling apart. Barely hanging on, he would say. It was implied, and I assumed, we were talking about the mental illness issues that can flare up and bring him to his knees. I now understand that wasn't it.
The full impact of my powerlessness hit me right between the eyes when on the run down there to rescue him, when I did know he was using, did know he was stuck and seemingly unable to break free, and knew that he was on the verge of a breakdown. The timing was right - I knew it. But meeting him, a lot of tears from both of us, and falling asleep exhausted, I realized he was not going back with me. I got myself up at 4 in the morning, drove and chain-smoked back home, and let go.
My experience was that it had to get that bad - I had to really experience the complete powerlessness (and the craziness that accompanies trying to have some power) in order for me to really get it.
I have back-slided a bit since that awful time, but I never question how much power I really have.
I think it takes time. For some of us, a really, really long time.
Peace,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/others and our lives had become unmanageable.
I realized that if I had any power at all over my son or his addiction he would have stopped a long time ago. Indeed I was powerless and ready to admit it.
That part was easy for me, but I had to practice saying to myself over and over "I am powerless over others" to stop myself in my tracks when I had thoughts of control.
That my life had become unmanageable was obvious, lol, I was a neurotic mess and not one thing in my life was right.
There is a fairly good step study up in the Sticky threads at the top of this forum, maybe reading through some of those might help you too.
Good luck.
I realized that if I had any power at all over my son or his addiction he would have stopped a long time ago. Indeed I was powerless and ready to admit it.
That part was easy for me, but I had to practice saying to myself over and over "I am powerless over others" to stop myself in my tracks when I had thoughts of control.
That my life had become unmanageable was obvious, lol, I was a neurotic mess and not one thing in my life was right.
There is a fairly good step study up in the Sticky threads at the top of this forum, maybe reading through some of those might help you too.
Good luck.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Step one for me was about giving up my perception of control. Me? Powerless? Like bloody blue he__! I was holding on for dear life to my exah. I thought I was saving him, when in reality, I was preventing his salvation. I had placed myself as his higher power, I could fix this you know.....not. It was about accepting that I couldn't fix it. I really couldn't fix anything except maybe myself. And my life was a shambles because I had put all energy, my very heart and soul, into fixing his life.
Letting go of that meant me accepting once and for all, that I'm not the great and powerful fixer. My attempts at fixing had only ruined my own life, not helped save his. It humbled me to accept that.
Letting go of that meant me accepting once and for all, that I'm not the great and powerful fixer. My attempts at fixing had only ruined my own life, not helped save his. It humbled me to accept that.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
No control over him or his addiction...the bigger picture, you have no control over any
body and many situations.
Life gets simpler & lighter when we understand this and practice this in all areas of our life. It becomes easier for a spiritual awakening and existence when we give up the illusion of control. We grow faster and become wiser when our focus is on our own area of needs and growth. The sooner you will understand " I came to believe in a power greater than myself"
body and many situations.
Life gets simpler & lighter when we understand this and practice this in all areas of our life. It becomes easier for a spiritual awakening and existence when we give up the illusion of control. We grow faster and become wiser when our focus is on our own area of needs and growth. The sooner you will understand " I came to believe in a power greater than myself"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the road
Posts: 110
Sometimes it is hard to put into words how I feel. I am still on step one after 6 years of pondering it. For me step one is the visualization of me falling to my knees and saying God help me. I think of this at times when I know my addict is out of my control - wait a minute.. thats everyday all the time...
Finding Truth Within
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by ThatLittleGirl 
But like I told him...it's as if we both jumped out of an airplane and are careening towards earth at 1,000 miles an hour. I was waiting for him to pull his parachute so I could pull mine...we'd do it together. I realized last week he may never pull his parachute, but I COULDN'T wait to pull mine any longer...so I did. I pray he will eventually, but if he doesn't, that's his choice.
You put so eloquently what I have felt for years. I have moved forward and away from my ex many times only to fall back into it with him. Why? Because I have wanted him to grow and move forward with me. Like you, I have been afraid to go ahead and move on with my life, on my own, because I wanted to share my life with him. I am no longer willing to live my life on hold. I am no longer willing to wait to create the life I want.
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