Angry and Sad
Finding Truth Within
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
Angry and Sad
Went to exabf's family reunion this weekend (so the kids could be there.) Well ex made t-shirts for everyone that attended except me. I know him and his girlfriend did it intentionally to snub me and try to make a point that I wasn't a part of the family (just there because of the kids.) 
I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I am pissed and sad. I went out of my way to have the kids there all weekend. 
I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I am pissed and sad. I went out of my way to have the kids there all weekend. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
1. Try not to project what you think may be true, with what certainly is true. I spent years of my life KNOWING what my xah was thinking, and what his motivations were. Even if I was right, it was an excercise in futility.
2. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did the right thing. We can always feel better when we have our integrity
2. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did the right thing. We can always feel better when we have our integrity
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
if that indeed was the case, then how childish of them....
And although i understand, that we can't read people's minds/or assume anything--- i always knew what my ex was upto.... it's just one of those things.
Sorry you had a rough one, why didn't you just leave the kids there, and have the t-shirt crew deliver them back to you??
Love,
Cess
And although i understand, that we can't read people's minds/or assume anything--- i always knew what my ex was upto.... it's just one of those things.
Sorry you had a rough one, why didn't you just leave the kids there, and have the t-shirt crew deliver them back to you??
Love,
Cess
Finding Truth Within
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
Ex had an episode last month where his gf got PFA against him. He wanted to use and she had his money, so he did everything but physically hurt her to provoke her. She called the police and he broke a glass and started cutting himself to make it look like she attacked him. The police had her in hand cuffs and were about to take her away when he finally told them the truth.
Consequently, he doesn't have the kids on his own. Addiction runs deep in his family. Ex's gf, ex, the children there, and I were the only sober people at this reunion. I honestly wouldn't trust my children with them alone.
This weekend, I asked someone to keep an eye on my son at the hotel pool because I had to take his little sister up to the hotel room. She came up to the room about 15 minutes later, and I asked if someone was watching the kids. She said her husband was. About an hour later someone else from the group brought my son up, and she said that she had totally forgot that I had asked her to watch him (she thought I meant her kids when I had asked.)
I am usually very cautious about who I leave responsible for my kids, but she is a mom too, so I assumed she would be on top of it. This was my first time meeting her, and most of the others, as well. I didn't realize she might not have been sober.
Consequently, he doesn't have the kids on his own. Addiction runs deep in his family. Ex's gf, ex, the children there, and I were the only sober people at this reunion. I honestly wouldn't trust my children with them alone.
This weekend, I asked someone to keep an eye on my son at the hotel pool because I had to take his little sister up to the hotel room. She came up to the room about 15 minutes later, and I asked if someone was watching the kids. She said her husband was. About an hour later someone else from the group brought my son up, and she said that she had totally forgot that I had asked her to watch him (she thought I meant her kids when I had asked.)
I am usually very cautious about who I leave responsible for my kids, but she is a mom too, so I assumed she would be on top of it. This was my first time meeting her, and most of the others, as well. I didn't realize she might not have been sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
"Ex had an episode last month where his gf got PFA against him. He wanted to use and she had his money, so he did everything but physically hurt her to provoke her. She called the police and he broke a glass and started cutting himself to make it look like she attacked him. The police had her in hand cuffs and were about to take her away when he finally told them the truth. "
Be glad you came to your senses and made hom an ex and be grateful that all he's able to do you is possibly snub.
cb
Be glad you came to your senses and made hom an ex and be grateful that all he's able to do you is possibly snub.
cb
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Satya,
Why do you feel angry and sad at not being included in this disfunctional family?
They sound very unhealthy.
Are you angry because you went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure your children were included? Perhaps your anger stems from an unmet expectation of gratitude. Addicts are notoriously self-centered and incapable of gratitude. In the future, if you think its important that your children have contact with this side of the family, do whatever you do without any expectation of thanks and solely for the good of your children. maybe then your anger will go away.
Hugs
Why do you feel angry and sad at not being included in this disfunctional family?
They sound very unhealthy.
Are you angry because you went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure your children were included? Perhaps your anger stems from an unmet expectation of gratitude. Addicts are notoriously self-centered and incapable of gratitude. In the future, if you think its important that your children have contact with this side of the family, do whatever you do without any expectation of thanks and solely for the good of your children. maybe then your anger will go away.
Hugs
Finding Truth Within
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
Satya,
Why do you feel angry and sad at not being included in this disfunctional family?
They sound very unhealthy.
Are you angry because you went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure your children were included? Perhaps your anger stems from an unmet expectation of gratitude. Addicts are notoriously self-centered and incapable of gratitude. In the future, if you think its important that your children have contact with this side of the family, do whatever you do without any expectation of thanks and solely for the good of your children. maybe then your anger will go away.
Hugs
Why do you feel angry and sad at not being included in this disfunctional family?
They sound very unhealthy.
Are you angry because you went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure your children were included? Perhaps your anger stems from an unmet expectation of gratitude. Addicts are notoriously self-centered and incapable of gratitude. In the future, if you think its important that your children have contact with this side of the family, do whatever you do without any expectation of thanks and solely for the good of your children. maybe then your anger will go away.
Hugs
You are pretty right on. I was going above and beyond, and ignoring some of my own needs in the interest of my children having time with their family. I stayed all day Saturday, and even spent the night at the hotel so the kids could be there for breakfast the next morning. I am an introvert and need time to myself daily, especially so during large gatherings (even with my close friends.) I should have taken a break on Saturday, and not done the overnight. Also the couple I shared a suite with were fighting all night long (they had both been drinking and possibly doing more.)
I can see now that the shirt thing just set me off, because I had already been building up resentment over not taking care of myself. And you are absolutely right, I expected others, most especially ex, to recognize the sacrifices I was making to so the kids could be available. Some acknowledgment and gratitude would have been nice. Thank you for reminding me ex is not capable of that at this time.
I am thankful for this opportunity to learn more about myself and my needs, and how important it is to take care of myself.
Today ex asked to take my son out to see a movie with the remaining family members. I had to hang up because I wanted to yell and scream at him. I called a friend for coaching. Through talking with her, I realized why I was so angry at him asking. I woke up this morning looking forward to relaxing and spending time with the kids, after the hectic weekend. When he asked I felt like I couldn't say no because we weren't doing anything special (just hanging out at home and playing in the yard.) I was able to call him back and let him know I was enjoying my day with the kids and I wasn't willing to give it up. He normally gets Wed., Sat., & Sun., for 4 hrs at a time, but got way more then that that this weekend.
It is sad that I invalidate my own feelings. Do I really need an excuse for wanting to spend the day at home with my children? Well, I am living and learning. Hopefully next time I take my needs more seriously.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Well thank goodness that's over. now you can say "been there, done that, and DIDN'T get the t-shirt."
Maybe it's time to distance yourself from the ex's family. I know that I wanted my child to know both sides to his family but the fact is that his fathers side of the family completely dysfunctional and I'm not going to be responsible for nurturing a relationship with people that I find neurotic, irresponsible and inapropriate. My time is better spent. And so is my son's.
I would skip any future events with his family. That's just how things end up in a divorce sometimes. What's the point. Do you really want your kids hanging out with those people when they get older?
Maybe it's time to distance yourself from the ex's family. I know that I wanted my child to know both sides to his family but the fact is that his fathers side of the family completely dysfunctional and I'm not going to be responsible for nurturing a relationship with people that I find neurotic, irresponsible and inapropriate. My time is better spent. And so is my son's.
I would skip any future events with his family. That's just how things end up in a divorce sometimes. What's the point. Do you really want your kids hanging out with those people when they get older?
Finding Truth Within
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Well thank goodness that's over. now you can say "been there, done that, and DIDN'T get the t-shirt."
Maybe it's time to distance yourself from the ex's family. I know that I wanted my child to know both sides to his family but the fact is that his fathers side of the family completely dysfunctional and I'm not going to be responsible for nurturing a relationship with people that I find neurotic, irresponsible and inapropriate. My time is better spent. And so is my son's.
I would skip any future events with his family. That's just how things end up in a divorce sometimes. What's the point. Do you really want your kids hanging out with those people when they get older?
Maybe it's time to distance yourself from the ex's family. I know that I wanted my child to know both sides to his family but the fact is that his fathers side of the family completely dysfunctional and I'm not going to be responsible for nurturing a relationship with people that I find neurotic, irresponsible and inapropriate. My time is better spent. And so is my son's.
I would skip any future events with his family. That's just how things end up in a divorce sometimes. What's the point. Do you really want your kids hanging out with those people when they get older?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have learned to be real good at not showing emotion. I had to practice a LOT too, but it helps me out a lot in situations like yours.
I won't DARE let someone know they "got to me" because it would be giving them power over me in two ways.
1 They get a tremendous satisfaction of "believing" they caused me some kind of pain.
2. I like to keep my power to myself, not give it away. I simply don't respond positively or negatively. Someone once said, "Power is not having to respond".
But, when no one's looking, I come here and vent!!! Get it out and feel better.
You're doing good. One would suppose these awkward moments that are purposefully contrived by people (with out a good feeling about their own selves or why else would they need to put someone down?), will come around in our lives. It's good to be prepared.
I won't DARE let someone know they "got to me" because it would be giving them power over me in two ways.
1 They get a tremendous satisfaction of "believing" they caused me some kind of pain.
2. I like to keep my power to myself, not give it away. I simply don't respond positively or negatively. Someone once said, "Power is not having to respond".
But, when no one's looking, I come here and vent!!! Get it out and feel better.
You're doing good. One would suppose these awkward moments that are purposefully contrived by people (with out a good feeling about their own selves or why else would they need to put someone down?), will come around in our lives. It's good to be prepared.
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