dealing with relapse
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dealing with relapse
I posted my story on here about a month ago and updated it last week, but I have some very basic questions that I am struggling with.
I have a friend who I am romantically interested in but not involved with. He was clean for 23 months and then as his 2 year anniversary approached, he started drinking cough syrup again.
Last week, I wrote him a card...telling him that I hope he can see the wonderful qualities in himself that I see in him and that I hope I can see that his life that he worked so hard to rebuild is worth fighting for. He went to his sponsor that night and managed to stay clean for a few days.
I found out he relapsed again last night when I went to pick him up for a fundraising breakfast we were going to. This was the first time I had really seen him in an altered state. It scared me.
So, a relationship anytime in the near future is just not going to happen. But as a friend, should I just stay away? Should I offer support? If I should be there for him, to what extent? I don't want to inadvertently cause any harm or push him further into relapse.
Any advice on the role I should play as a friend, if any at all, would be very very helpful.
I have a friend who I am romantically interested in but not involved with. He was clean for 23 months and then as his 2 year anniversary approached, he started drinking cough syrup again.
Last week, I wrote him a card...telling him that I hope he can see the wonderful qualities in himself that I see in him and that I hope I can see that his life that he worked so hard to rebuild is worth fighting for. He went to his sponsor that night and managed to stay clean for a few days.
I found out he relapsed again last night when I went to pick him up for a fundraising breakfast we were going to. This was the first time I had really seen him in an altered state. It scared me.
So, a relationship anytime in the near future is just not going to happen. But as a friend, should I just stay away? Should I offer support? If I should be there for him, to what extent? I don't want to inadvertently cause any harm or push him further into relapse.
Any advice on the role I should play as a friend, if any at all, would be very very helpful.
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
I don’t think you’re dealing with slips or relapses anymore...it’s more of active addiction with brief moments of sobriety. Nothing you can say or do will cause him harm or push him further into addiction, he’s doing that just fine on his own. I no longer allow toxic people in my life, but if you choose to stay on the hamster wheel, meet for coffee at a neutral location, take $5 with you, lock your purse in your trunk and don’t walk on eggshells. Unless you yourself are an addict with some depth of sobriety or a professional in the addiction field there is nothing you can do to “support” him.
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As a recovering addict myself, I can assure you that he has all the help and support he needs in the rooms of 12 step programs, including his sponsor.
He needs strong male role models in recovery, not a female on the perimeter trying to be supportive.
When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, there was no one offering support. My friends and sponsor in AA knew I had to do what I had to do.
When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again, I drug my pathetic carcass up all 23 steps to my home group, and I started all over again.
He needs strong male role models in recovery, not a female on the perimeter trying to be supportive.
When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, there was no one offering support. My friends and sponsor in AA knew I had to do what I had to do.
When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again, I drug my pathetic carcass up all 23 steps to my home group, and I started all over again.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
As a recovering addict myself, I can assure you that he has all the help and support he needs in the rooms of 12 step programs, including his sponsor.
He needs strong male role models in recovery, not a female on the perimeter trying to be supportive.
When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, there was no one offering support. My friends and sponsor in AA knew I had to do what I had to do.
When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again, I drug my pathetic carcass up all 23 steps to my home group, and I started all over again.
He needs strong male role models in recovery, not a female on the perimeter trying to be supportive.
When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, there was no one offering support. My friends and sponsor in AA knew I had to do what I had to do.
When I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again, I drug my pathetic carcass up all 23 steps to my home group, and I started all over again.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh
Thanks for the advice. I am a male, by the way
I know for me, if I have romantic feelings for someone, it's impossible to be supportive as a friend. My emotions get the better of me.
I still stand by what I said. He needs the support of others in recovery from addictions, period.
After I got back into recovery, my emotions were all over the place, and it took a good two years to feel somewhat stable internally.
Thank God for my circle of support in the rooms of AA.
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i also met my addict in the workplace. we clicked right away, worked well together, and became the best of friends quickly. the intensity of my emotional involvement clouded my judgement regarding his work performance, and his sobriety - or lack therof. i went to rescue him, tried to support him, and make him see how beautiful he is, more times than i can count. although i was married (and he respected that), i and he, as you, fell in love. i am now four years divorced, we did try for a "real" relationship, and it has been the most powerful and painful one of my life.
you commented about you two being drawn to each other - the baggage - and, from my experience and what i've read here, i know this dynamic plays out in millions of relationships. so i think you're right on on that one.
i, like cynical one (your first thread) applaud you for trying to keep your eyes wide open going into this. if you are like some of us, you will fight the feelings deep inside that tell you something is not right, and you will read here but take some of the warnings to heart, discard others, and go into the relationship hoping or believing, that your situation is different. Hope is not a strategy, or a tool.
i think you need to take a giant step back. let him work on his sobriety, with the people he's supposed to be working with, and see if he turns this around. of course he can, but will he?
i also think it is very interesting that you have known this guy for awhile now, but you started your first thread just minutes before he relapsed. could it be that there is something inside of you that is just that tuned in? i think so. we like to say here "listen to your gut". it is really the most telling piece of evidence you can access.
you commented about you two being drawn to each other - the baggage - and, from my experience and what i've read here, i know this dynamic plays out in millions of relationships. so i think you're right on on that one.
i, like cynical one (your first thread) applaud you for trying to keep your eyes wide open going into this. if you are like some of us, you will fight the feelings deep inside that tell you something is not right, and you will read here but take some of the warnings to heart, discard others, and go into the relationship hoping or believing, that your situation is different. Hope is not a strategy, or a tool.
i think you need to take a giant step back. let him work on his sobriety, with the people he's supposed to be working with, and see if he turns this around. of course he can, but will he?
i also think it is very interesting that you have known this guy for awhile now, but you started your first thread just minutes before he relapsed. could it be that there is something inside of you that is just that tuned in? i think so. we like to say here "listen to your gut". it is really the most telling piece of evidence you can access.
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
i also met my addict in the workplace. we clicked right away, worked well together, and became the best of friends quickly. the intensity of my emotional involvement clouded my judgement regarding his work performance, and his sobriety - or lack therof. i went to rescue him, tried to support him, and make him see how beautiful he is, more times than i can count. although i was married (and he respected that), i and he, as you, fell in love. i am now four years divorced, we did try for a "real" relationship, and it has been the most powerful and painful one of my life.
you commented about you two being drawn to each other - the baggage - and, from my experience and what i've read here, i know this dynamic plays out in millions of relationships. so i think you're right on on that one.
i, like cynical one (your first thread) applaud you for trying to keep your eyes wide open going into this. if you are like some of us, you will fight the feelings deep inside that tell you something is not right, and you will read here but take some of the warnings to heart, discard others, and go into the relationship hoping or believing, that your situation is different. Hope is not a strategy, or a tool.
i think you need to take a giant step back. let him work on his sobriety, with the people he's supposed to be working with, and see if he turns this around. of course he can, but will he?
i also think it is very interesting that you have known this guy for awhile now, but you started your first thread just minutes before he relapsed. could it be that there is something inside of you that is just that tuned in? i think so. we like to say here "listen to your gut". it is really the most telling piece of evidence you can access.
you commented about you two being drawn to each other - the baggage - and, from my experience and what i've read here, i know this dynamic plays out in millions of relationships. so i think you're right on on that one.
i, like cynical one (your first thread) applaud you for trying to keep your eyes wide open going into this. if you are like some of us, you will fight the feelings deep inside that tell you something is not right, and you will read here but take some of the warnings to heart, discard others, and go into the relationship hoping or believing, that your situation is different. Hope is not a strategy, or a tool.
i think you need to take a giant step back. let him work on his sobriety, with the people he's supposed to be working with, and see if he turns this around. of course he can, but will he?
i also think it is very interesting that you have known this guy for awhile now, but you started your first thread just minutes before he relapsed. could it be that there is something inside of you that is just that tuned in? i think so. we like to say here "listen to your gut". it is really the most telling piece of evidence you can access.
And I think you really nailed in in terms of describing how I am feeling. For me, I fell out of love with my current partner before I ever developed feelings for this coworker. SO the two are at least separate issues for me, though sometimes it gets a little cloudy. I saw him high for the first time yesterday at the fundraising breakfast I mentioned, and when I was driving home, I was looking forward to returning to a stable partner. But I got home and within minutes I remembered all of the reasons I wanted to leave that had nothing to do with the coworker. So, at least I have that peace of mind.
I am learning to listen to my gut again. Not doing so is what got me into the relationship I am currently trying to get out of.
If I may ask, what happened when you tried for a real relationship?
Again, I thank you very much for replying to my thread.
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oh, he let me down in numerous ways. over and over and over again. even when he got clean and sober, there were other (mental health) issues and he would start to tackle that stuff, then not have good follow-through. he would get a job, lose it, take a temporary job, then stagnate. these things are probably more specific to my person than an accurate generalization for all addicts. although there's ALWAYS something, unless they have found recovery, and work it relentlessly, that will cause issues in the relationship.
this thing is HARD, osh. it's like they have to be VIGILANT, 24/7, for a long time, before it becomes second nature. getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a LOT of clean time under his belt, or has relapsed and isn't RIGHT BACK on that horse, coming to terms with what happened, is just doomed, in my opinion.
sound harsh? yep.
sound a bit jaded? guilty.
i did not use to be like this, this pessimistic. but it is what i have lived. a piece of spirit has died and sometimes i don't think it's ever coming back.
i know i'll have a life back again. i know it. but i also believe that there will always be a little sadness inside of me because of what that relationship did to me.
it's been about six months since i saw the writing on the wall, four months since i asked him to move out, and two months since i said "can't do this relationship any more" and i am definitely moving forward, definitely having stretches of "good" time. but i still feel heartbroken regularly.
this thing is HARD, osh. it's like they have to be VIGILANT, 24/7, for a long time, before it becomes second nature. getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a LOT of clean time under his belt, or has relapsed and isn't RIGHT BACK on that horse, coming to terms with what happened, is just doomed, in my opinion.
sound harsh? yep.
sound a bit jaded? guilty.
i did not use to be like this, this pessimistic. but it is what i have lived. a piece of spirit has died and sometimes i don't think it's ever coming back.
i know i'll have a life back again. i know it. but i also believe that there will always be a little sadness inside of me because of what that relationship did to me.
it's been about six months since i saw the writing on the wall, four months since i asked him to move out, and two months since i said "can't do this relationship any more" and i am definitely moving forward, definitely having stretches of "good" time. but i still feel heartbroken regularly.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
oh, he let me down in numerous ways. over and over and over again. even when he got clean and sober, there were other (mental health) issues and he would start to tackle that stuff, then not have good follow-through. he would get a job, lose it, take a temporary job, then stagnate. these things are probably more specific to my person than an accurate generalization for all addicts. although there's ALWAYS something, unless they have found recovery, and work it relentlessly, that will cause issues in the relationship.
this thing is HARD, osh. it's like they have to be VIGILANT, 24/7, for a long time, before it becomes second nature. getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a LOT of clean time under his belt, or has relapsed and isn't RIGHT BACK on that horse, coming to terms with what happened, is just doomed, in my opinion.
sound harsh? yep.
sound a bit jaded? guilty.
i did not use to be like this, this pessimistic. but it is what i have lived. a piece of spirit has died and sometimes i don't think it's ever coming back.
i know i'll have a life back again. i know it. but i also believe that there will always be a little sadness inside of me because of what that relationship did to me.
it's been about six months since i saw the writing on the wall, four months since i asked him to move out, and two months since i said "can't do this relationship any more" and i am definitely moving forward, definitely having stretches of "good" time. but i still feel heartbroken regularly.
this thing is HARD, osh. it's like they have to be VIGILANT, 24/7, for a long time, before it becomes second nature. getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't have a LOT of clean time under his belt, or has relapsed and isn't RIGHT BACK on that horse, coming to terms with what happened, is just doomed, in my opinion.
sound harsh? yep.
sound a bit jaded? guilty.
i did not use to be like this, this pessimistic. but it is what i have lived. a piece of spirit has died and sometimes i don't think it's ever coming back.
i know i'll have a life back again. i know it. but i also believe that there will always be a little sadness inside of me because of what that relationship did to me.
it's been about six months since i saw the writing on the wall, four months since i asked him to move out, and two months since i said "can't do this relationship any more" and i am definitely moving forward, definitely having stretches of "good" time. but i still feel heartbroken regularly.
What I have begun to understand, though, is that my romantic interest is incapable of and/or unwilling to deal with the kinds of emotions that I am experiencing. His solution is to get drunk. He has no intention at this point to get back on the wagon, and it is tearing me apart inside.
I am so very sad right now.
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