Krys

So I am new here and have been encouraged to see everyone being so supportive of one another so I figured where better to get an opinion? I should start by saying this is the first time I have had an addict actively in my life and also the first time I have been sucker punched by one so to speak (can't find a better way to describe the pain and agony of being betrayed by someone so close to me). My boyfriend of 5 years was addicted to Oxycontin a year before I met him and has been clean for 6 years. He was laid off from work for 2 months and during the second month he injured his back. He was given Vicodin and was responsible with it (he gave them to me to control in case of temptation). Unfortunately he was given Percocet at a later date and did not tell me, I can only assume the depression and anxiety (he has a bad anxiety disorder) finally got to him and the thought processes went something like "Ooh candy!" He said he thought he could handle it and I have since corrected him by letting him know his first mistake was not that he took them, it was that he hid them. He began abusing them and when he ran out he and his jackass friend (who got him into the Oxy's and has remained a small part of his life) started buying them off of another friends mother. He knew he was in trouble and although he usually comes to me with every little problem he thought I would leave him if I knew so he went to another person and got Suboxen to try and ease the withdrawal when he quit. I found out, busted him and a week long battle ensued. He has since come clean with everything including details I did not want to know. He is seeing a therapist for the first time, handed over his anxiety meds to me for safe keeping after admitting on his own that he had been taking more than he was supposed to, he told his family everything, told the "friend" he could no longer see him and is now taking part in healthier stress relieving activities and spending time with sober friends. While I am in no way under the illusion that this is the end and everything will be coming up roses from here on out I am hopeful. We have always leaned on each other and make a great team, so this was a devastating blow to me, maybe even traumatic. I am seeing a therapist and spending time with my friends to keep myself sane, something I should have been doing all along to keep my sanity. Sorry for the babbling, I just have a lot to get off my chest! What I want to know is, does anyone else have issues with their addicts family members being morons? I have always loved his family but I am really angry with them right now. I had been suspecting something was going on for a month and even confronted him about it (which of course got me nothing but lies). I literally drove myself crazy and ultimately lost many nights of sleep and ended up pretty depressed and stressed. Come to find out, after he told his family what had been going on they told him they had known the whole time and said to themselves "Krys is a strong woman and will figure it out, and when she does we will back her up." WTF? So their reasoning was that he would probably be fine and they would wait and see if it ruined his life again! What if I had not found out? What if it was too late? He has a son...did they think of that? Oh and I love how it all got to rest on my shoulders. Do you know how many times I have seen them and they have asked if something was bothering me, only to tell me everything was fine with my BF??? At least a dozen!! Am I crazy or do I have a right to be really pissed off right now??

outonalimb

Krys,

Welcome to SR.

I'm glad you decided to join us.

My ex's family kept alot of secrets from me about things in the very beginning too.

I love them to death. I'm still very close to them. But I also know that as long as I was there to prop up my ex, they didn't have to. Sounds selfish, I know.

I've really learned who my TRUE friends are when dealing with my ex's insanity. Your true friends...the people who really care about YOU would have never let this go on as long as it did.

Be careful about being the pill dispenser for your bf. He's either committed to recovery or he isn't. He's putting you in the position of police officer and thats just not healthy.
Either he's committed or he isn't.

Sounds like he isn't.

Let him take charge of his recovery and you focus on yours. SR is a great place to do it.

Welcome again...
Mary

meditation

As a recovering addict I am constantly told that if I have to take anything for pain and so far I haven't in 19 months but if I was to have to take something someone should be the "candy keeper". So if you are living with him and close it does make sense that you are the one to be the keeper of the pills. They harp on this constantly in rehab that we are not to be the ones that control our meds as the temptation is great.

I really have to back up Cynical on this as he is doing good things to overcome this and this is exactly what you would want an addict to do is own up and change behavior, change the people they hang out with and get some help. I do also agree he did not use to anger or upset you, it's just part of the disease that addiction is, we remember how great that high was and we forget just how crappy life is when we use and we think we can control it but it controls us from the minute we choose to actively Overuse our prescribed meds or use in an abusive way. It really had nothing probably to do with you. I think he family acted in a way that puts the responsibility on him to decide when he had had enough. As a part of the codependent thing we (addicts do this too) try to control people places and things and they chose to not control, it's not really something you can blame them for, but being angry is something you do have control over. You don't have to be angry, you can change your reaction to this as positive .. that he is getting help and not going further down the hole and it's something to really rejoice over. So many addicts stay in denial. It's a hard thing to be an addict and or an addict's family I sympathize with you on this but being angry only makes you unhappy.

Krys

Thank you for your comments. I tend to think that although he is a grown man the whole wait and see approach is never a good idea. Especially since he was spending everyday at their home while I was at work. I have had to take on a part time job in addition to my full time job while he has been laid off so we have only been spending a couple of hours a night with each other, they were seeing a whole lot more of him than I was. I understand the whole not wanting to tell me part of it, they don't have to tell me, they should have told someone though. It's not just their son they need to worry about, they have a grandchild involved as well and I would think they would have made his safety their first priority. I just don't understand their reasoning. I am proud of him for making the steps he has made, and yes I understand that he did not do this to hurt me, but that does not make me feel any better it still hurts no matter what the reason. How can being lied to not hurt? Have any of you been able to find a way to detach or ways to deal that make it less painful? Anyway, he is seeing a therapist and I am seeing one as well. Hopefully we can make it through this, I am trying to look at it like a wake up call, hopefully we can grow from this and not let it destroy us. There are just so many horror stories out there, it's scary. Thanks for all the advice, like I said I am new to this and I am just trying to handle things the best I can, any help is awesome!