want2Bfree325

About a month ago my exabf got out of jail. I at first was staying away but started talking to him again. I bought into the quack quack...he said he was clean, had hit rock bottom, would get my mother's jewelry back or at least start paying her money to try and make up for his actions while in active addiction. Said that he was going to do whatever it took to get his life back on track and that he would do anything to get his family back as well. I told him that I would not even consider moving in with him again and that he had a certain amount of time (one month) to start working and start doing something to pay my mother back or I was gone for good. I didn't give him money though I did buy him some food here and there. I kept my daughter away from him but allowed him to see our 8 month old son. When he started going into his bs about he needed money, I told him he was smart and that though I am sorry to hear about it, he caused it and he needed to figure it our for himself. Low and behold not it has been a month and I just found out that he stole from my mother again. I was so stupid. I let him come over one day when she wasn't home and now two necklaces are gone. I thought I was setting up boundaries, I thought that I was being rational and keeping him at arms length but I messed up and now others pay for my stupid choices. I didn't tell her that I was seeing him, I thought that once he started doing something to show that he was sorry and that he was changing that I could tell her the truth. Now I don't know what to do. She knows that he took it because she knows no one else would and she does know that he is out of jail but she doesn't know that her horrible daughter was the one who basically let him come in and steal from her. I don't want to keep quiet and lie anymore about what has been going on but I also don't want to make matters any worse than they already are for her or myself. I spoke with two people close to me who also thought that I should wait to tell her once things cool down a little and I think that might be best. I am also going to therapy today and will try to sort out what to do because I am not completely sure what I should do at this point. I believe that he is in jail or something because before any of this surfaced he had been missing and his phone is off. I just feel so horrible not for myself but for what my choices did to those that I cared about most. I am trying to understand why I would even entertain talking to him again or thinking that he has changed considering everything that he has done in the past year to me and my family. I feel sick to my stomach that I allowed him back into my life. I allowed this to happen, I am such a bad person.

suki44883

No, you are not a bad person. You made a bad choice and hopefully, you have learned from it. I have no opinion on when to tell your mother since I don't know your family dynamic. I do hope that you will not allow this man back into your home for any reason. He is an adult and needs to figure out how to take care of himself. Blocking his number on your phone might be a good place to start, and under no circumstances allow him in your home.

hello-kitty

You are not a bad person. He is. He took advantage of your trust and love. Addicts do it all the time. He probably even meant the things he said about staying clean and changing his life when he got out of prison. Thing is it's easy to say those things but much harder to do them. Staying clean requires that an addict some kind of program of recovery.

Now you know. Now you know you need firmer boundaries and you actually need to enforce them.

Don't fall for it again.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me...

want2Bfree325

Thank you so much for your responses. They mean more than you can possibly imagine right now. I am such a mess over this. It kills me to see my mother suffer losses on account of my naive decisions. It makes me think how my codependency causes those I care about to suffer much like his addiction causes those that he cares about to endure pain. It just really hurts so bad. I am crushed that I started to trust him again. In the past, my 'codie behavior' would of had me on the trail or at least suspecting something. This time I was completely blindsided and didn't see this happening. I mean I always thought that he could go back to drugs, I just didn't see him stealing from my mother again and his addiction coming into the picture so quickly at that. My anxiety is through the roof right now over all of this. I am definitely done at this point, I just can't believe it took this much to finally get it. He wasn't working a program. I never said anything that he should or shouldn't do anything but that thought stuck with me when considering if there was even a future with him. I just wish that I had pulled back sooner considering it had been about a month and he had done nothing for himself or anyone else for that matter. Just a big old facade that I was naive enough to fall for....

want2Bfree325

My mother is on her way to the police department as we speak....

ItsmeAlice

Mistakes by definition are not intentional. You made decisions with the light you had to see by at the time and the faith you had in someone who, by all accounts, should have been telling you the truth.

It's often said that when we are deceived and manipulated the first time, we are a victim, but when we walk back into the lion's den and get taken once more, we are no longer a victim but a participant. So what to do about? Beat ourselves up indefinitely? Tie ourselves to an ant hill wearing honey underwear? Quite the contrary.

To learn and move forward from these kind of good intentions that backfire, we have to be patient and loving with ourselves. Self-hate only worsens the situation.

You've made the first step by acknowledging the mistake and stopping the ongoing damage by cutting ties with him. Now accept that what happened wasn't all your fault. You may have let the beast in the door, but you did not foresee the damage it would cause. You can make amends for not knowing any better by supporting your mom in her filing of the police report and cooperating with the authorities to have him charged.

We cannot turn back time and change the past with our recovery, but we can mend the hurt and move forward in our lives leaving these beasts in the pit they put themselves.

Best to you!

Alice

outonalimb

want2be...

I don't know your family dynamics but let me just tell you this.

If I had a daughter in your situation, I wouldn't give a hill of beans about two necklaces or any material thing. Not if it meant that by losing those two items, my daughter learned a difficult but very valuable lesson.

I would imagine that your mother has agonized over your relationship with this man. Not even knowing her, I would imagine that she wants to see you happy and healthy and she knew in her mother's heart that this man was NOT the one.

If you take this lesson and REALLY learn from it, her loss will be worth it. Make this loss count. Use this lesson to improve your life and make better decisions. If you can walk away from this situation with a powerful lesson, the loss will have been worth it to your mom and to anyone who loves you and wants the best for you.

Don't beat yourself up. You followed your heart. No shame in that. There is only shame if you fail to learn something from it.

Hammerhead

ItsmeAlice... you have a special way of putting things...


You always seem to hit home.


want2Bfree325... we learn from our mistakes... then... we put them behind us and move forward... our mistakes do not define us... they make us stronger, better AND wiser.

:ghug3

Spiritual Seeker

Do beat yourself up...learn your lesson
Don't allow people to manipulate or use you.
Don't allow addicts, felons, and other bad people around your kids or yourself.

Live life with integrity and associate with others that are like-minded.