SufferedEnough

My 35 year old boyfriend just recently admitted to me that he's addicted to vicodin (again). He's gotten up to 15-20 pills a day. He's been about a week and a half clean. He is suppose to start going to NA meetings this week. I have taken away his access to money and he knows that if he violates my "conditions" then it's over. I'll pack up my kids and leave without looking back.

My biggest problem is not knowing how to treat him now? He's been really lazy around the house for months and months. I now work 40+ hours a week, come home, make dinner, do dishes, bathe kids, etc... and he just sits on the couch. Do I make him get up and do stuff? He works 40 hours a week, too. But I work more than he does. How do I handle this? Do I treat him like rehab would and "show no mercy" or let him be a lazy pain in my ass?

suki44883

I'd try for a happy medium between "show no mercy" and "lazy pain in my ass." I've found that a lot of times, men aren't to quick on picking up subtle messages. Have you told him you need help around the house? I know it should be obvious, but still...if you haven't told him, you shouldn't really complain that he doesn't help. If you have told him and he still sits there like a lump, then I think I'd let him know that you won't put up with it and if you are going to have to take care of everything, you might as well be doing it in your own place.

86753091

Part of the thinking at the board & care my AD is living in is that chores are a necessary part of healing and life in general. You have to be responsible for something and chores are only the beginning. Contributing to your household and the care of your family is a great responsibility and brings many people a sense of accomplishment.

My AD was mopping a floor this morning - she never mopped my floors!

Just make his chores something he can physically and mentally handle until he's able to recognize he has to do them without prompting.

Good luck,

CB

hello-kitty

Maybe it's time to stop thinking about how you treat him and start thinking about how you treat yourself.

Is he your baby, your master or your partner?

I guess what you do now comes down to what you think you deserve out of a relationship... and whether or not you are getting it from him. Drugs or no drugs.

coffeedrinker

of course he should contribute to the household, be a partner in that he would ask you what, if anything you need from him. but some people, especially those that have connected with a "caretaker" type, are not ambitious enough to even do a bare minimum of that. and those of us who own the caretaker role, just swoop in and do everything. it's not until later that we start seeing things differently, and get some expectations of what he should have been doing all along. that's when we get pissed.

how does that change?

the issue, as i see it, isn't what you should "have him do" or how much like a rehab should you run your house and such. we already know that he should be doing chores and helping out. so, it's how you communicate that.

hang around here for awhile. you'll read alot about BOUNDARIES.

maybe start out by having a talk with him, telling him how you feel that you do more than half of the household stuff (are they his kids? if not, he gets a pass on kid stuff) and ask him if he'd like both of you to figure out together how to divide stuff up, or if he'd just rather you come up with a list and you can discuss it.

remember, talk to him using "I" statements ("I feel like I am doing more than.....") and not "You" statements, which make every one of us feel defensive.

Let us know how things are going. Welcome to S.R.

Chino

Q: How do I treat him now?
A: The way you want to be treated

SufferedEnough

Thanks everyone. You all had great advice, and it's really helped me out. Things are already getting better. I apparently wasn't the only one who had a big talk with him about being "a lazy ass". His boss/brother-in-law had the same talk with him the following day. I guess he just needed to know that I wasn't being selfish and trying to attack him.

sofacat

I guess he just needed to know that I wasn't being selfish and trying to attack him.

I see nothing wrong with being selfish every once in awhile.

Christen

I am married to a pill addict as well. And I also ask myself the same question ALL THE TIME. I highly recommend that you find the time to go to nar anon meetings in person. Hopefully you will meet some people with some insight for you. I have met 2 people going to nar anon that have been completely invaluable to me.

The best advice I can give you is to back off of him a little for the first 4-6 weeks. Don't be a complete push over, but don't be a nag either. The best advice I can give you is before you do something for him- pause and check your motives. Stop and ask yourself- am I doing this to make his life easier so he will stay clean? If this is the case, don't do it. It took me an entire year to realize that making his life easy isn't helping, because that's not reality. Addicts need to learn to stay clean when life sucks. And when we do everything for them, they will never learn to cope.

Hang in there.

Christen