Jenny1232

So, you chose to stay with your husband? Do you believe he will change? Don't you resent him? Don't you feel like he's holding you back? How do you deal with all of those emotions? It just seems so impossibel to me...

hello-kitty

You know, actually Alanon recommends that you don't make any changes to your relationship when you first start working the steps. The steps are about you. Your supposed to focus on them one at a time. They really aren't about whether you leave your husband or your boyfriend today. You don't really know where you are going to end up when you start the steps. The steps are just about getting you healthy and helping you make wise choices when it comes to your life. They are about staying in the present time and focusing on today.

Just because you don't leave your husband today doesn't mean you can't leave tomorrow. and vice versa. But for TODAY you are choosing to stay and that's ok. Because it's your choice. It's not like you are a victim anymore. You are in control.

For me, my life has become biting off little pieces that I can actually handle. I can't solve ALL my problems at one time, but I can work on one small problem at a time, and solve it. It's about staying in today - what do I need to do RIGHT NOW TODAY to make my life a better place. I need to stop worrying about things I cannot control (the future, my ex's choices) and start focusing on the problem that is right in front of my face.

Analysis paralysis. I rarely suffer from that anymore. because I'm constantly moving forward - even if i don't realize it. I just keep trying to do the next wise thing - and most of my worries take care of themselves.

ThatLittleGirl

So, you chose to stay with your husband? - Yes, I'm staying with him for now...I have twin daughters...4-years old who adore their dad...but he's in the guest bedroom...has been for months now. So, we're setup more like roommates than husband/wife...which works for me. It gives me space and breathing room...to think...setup firm boundaries. I plan on working the steps to my recovery... I will not make any more threats that I will not carry out...so, until I feel firm one way or the other, I'm going to sit in place and get better... At the end of this journey, if my AH is not by my side, that OK...but I feel like I'll "know" what's best for me and my daughters when the time is right. Today, the time isn't right...it's too fresh and I'm too new to the process. I don't always feel 100% "comfortable" in the not knowing aspect of "letting go"...but I don't have to be at this point...sometimes it's a fake it until you make it kind of day...

Jenny1232

You make some really good points. I'm trying really hard to retain and apply all of this information. Yesterday was my first real test, and I kind of failed.

I came home and my boyfriend had a four loco (it's this huge soda/energy drink/malt beverage) and it's about a 10% alcohol content. I initially saw it,and I was pissed. "Doesn't he know I hate his drinking" "Why the hell does he want to make me mad" "Cant he see I don't like when he does this" "Does he even care" "What's wrong with him". I kept telling myself it's okay. He's not hiding it. It's just one. I tried to not be mad. He got out of the shower... and instantly, he said, "whats wrong". I tried to play it off, but he knows me so well. I never went into the specifics... I just started talking about how I need to stop trying to change his life and control it.

I was just SO uptight. He was trying to get me to relax and calm down, and I didn't know how. Finally, I had a beer. Then, I felt instantly calm. We were getting along great. I just don't understand why I'm so uptight. Had it been my dad, my friend, anyone else with that drink, I wouldn't have cared.

Why am I so uptight with him? He's an easy going guy - and he's so sweet to me the majority of the time. I'm bitter. I constantly get an attitude with him.

Atleast I recognized and tried to help the situation. I know one day isn't a cure - so soon, perhaps?