My MOTHER!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
My MOTHER!!!
LONG story short.... My sister and her hubby have had my 19 yr old AS staying with them (as you know I kicked him out), we he has been for about a week. They said they had to try to help him cause if something happens to him they will feel guilty.
My AS was on house arrest there , I am suprised he stayed to be quite honest!! Two of the days he left school early they caught him huffing carb cleaner again... One day he stole $20.00 from my parents and went for a "walk" he went strainght to the smoke shop and bought spice. That night my sister caught him smoking it in her bathroom. On Saturday he decided to leave and go stay with one of his friends.
Got the "talk" from my mom... She is trying to figure out what went wrong with Randy... she said she was not ready to give up on him like I have, this pissed me off..My mom is the poster child for co-dependency!!! She is angry that I have shut his cel phone off, took him off our auto insurance and wont let him move home.
I told her I have not given up on Randy.... I have done everything I can and need to take care of me and my two young daughters now. She said I am selfish.... I am confused!!! I dont think I have given up on my son, but maybe I have.... He huffed again this weekend, his friend called me to come get him I said NO. He should call the police.
My mom said but poor Randy!! REALLY WTF!!??!! Yes, I feel awful for my sweet son, but now my mom is making me feel guilty!!!
My AS was on house arrest there , I am suprised he stayed to be quite honest!! Two of the days he left school early they caught him huffing carb cleaner again... One day he stole $20.00 from my parents and went for a "walk" he went strainght to the smoke shop and bought spice. That night my sister caught him smoking it in her bathroom. On Saturday he decided to leave and go stay with one of his friends.
Got the "talk" from my mom... She is trying to figure out what went wrong with Randy... she said she was not ready to give up on him like I have, this pissed me off..My mom is the poster child for co-dependency!!! She is angry that I have shut his cel phone off, took him off our auto insurance and wont let him move home.
I told her I have not given up on Randy.... I have done everything I can and need to take care of me and my two young daughters now. She said I am selfish.... I am confused!!! I dont think I have given up on my son, but maybe I have.... He huffed again this weekend, his friend called me to come get him I said NO. He should call the police.
My mom said but poor Randy!! REALLY WTF!!??!! Yes, I feel awful for my sweet son, but now my mom is making me feel guilty!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
She can only make you feel guilty if you allow her to. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You put up with his actions until you couldn't take it anymore. You have other children who need you.
Sorry, but Mom is going to have to figure this out on her own. If she continues to coddle him, he'll keep stealing money and using. Hopefully soon she'll figure it out, but that's not your problem. Refuse to discuss Randy with her if it makes you feel bad. Don't let her make you feel guilty.
Sorry, but Mom is going to have to figure this out on her own. If she continues to coddle him, he'll keep stealing money and using. Hopefully soon she'll figure it out, but that's not your problem. Refuse to discuss Randy with her if it makes you feel bad. Don't let her make you feel guilty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Enodm:
Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. I just checked out "Tough Love" by Pauline Neff that talks about the Palmer Drug Abuse Program and the response we need to give our addicts - which is the same response you are giving.
One of the hardest things about this whole journey is other people who step in to enable when we moms do the right thing and refuse to enable any more. If you are a reader, you can find good books that help you deal with this.
Just hang in there. Your mother and other family members will get to the point where they don't want him at their house. Hallelujah! Less enablers for your son which translates into your son's addiction having less chance to survive.
This is the time when you need to distance yourself as much as possible from those enablers so as to minimize their ability to dump their building stress on you. Perhaps you could have some print-outs to give them (or mail to them) as a way of responding to them when they do dump. I gave my son's uncle and his mom (my ex-MIL) a copy of "Ten Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem" by Ed Hughes that i found on the Internet. They never commented to me on that or even acknowledged that they received it. But when i got word that my son had been kicked out of their home, I called the ex-MIL and told her that she did the right thing.
Again, hang in there Mom. You are doing the right thing. Keep coming back here where you will find the ESH you need to get through this - we are here to help you!
Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. I just checked out "Tough Love" by Pauline Neff that talks about the Palmer Drug Abuse Program and the response we need to give our addicts - which is the same response you are giving.
One of the hardest things about this whole journey is other people who step in to enable when we moms do the right thing and refuse to enable any more. If you are a reader, you can find good books that help you deal with this.
Just hang in there. Your mother and other family members will get to the point where they don't want him at their house. Hallelujah! Less enablers for your son which translates into your son's addiction having less chance to survive.
This is the time when you need to distance yourself as much as possible from those enablers so as to minimize their ability to dump their building stress on you. Perhaps you could have some print-outs to give them (or mail to them) as a way of responding to them when they do dump. I gave my son's uncle and his mom (my ex-MIL) a copy of "Ten Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem" by Ed Hughes that i found on the Internet. They never commented to me on that or even acknowledged that they received it. But when i got word that my son had been kicked out of their home, I called the ex-MIL and told her that she did the right thing.
Again, hang in there Mom. You are doing the right thing. Keep coming back here where you will find the ESH you need to get through this - we are here to help you!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Guess it time to repeat what happened to me.
My parents ENABLED me until I was 33 1/2 years. Then, they finally had had enough and said NO MORE. That if I came to the door they would close it in my face, that if I called on the phone they would hang up, and that if I 'dared' to try and steal from them they would call the cops and THEY MEANT IT.
Well. ....................................... you can bet I was p*ssed. So p*ssed that I moved 3000 miles away and continued for another 2 1/2 years before I found recovery.
To this day, over 31 years later (I will have 29 years in June) I STILL say IT IS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME.
Please do not buy into your Mother's Guilt Trip. You are doing the BEST THING for your son. Your Mom hasn't had ENOUGH yet, she's still is trying to "HELP" her grandson.
You do not have to 'justify' yourself to her. You know that enabling him does not help. You know that he needs to find his bottom, and when he WEARS OUT grandma, and aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, acquaintances, etc he may find his bottom.
Hang in there. Come here, WE do understand. We are also walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
ps, please feel free to print out this post and give it to your mother if YOU THINK it might help.
My parents ENABLED me until I was 33 1/2 years. Then, they finally had had enough and said NO MORE. That if I came to the door they would close it in my face, that if I called on the phone they would hang up, and that if I 'dared' to try and steal from them they would call the cops and THEY MEANT IT.
Well. ....................................... you can bet I was p*ssed. So p*ssed that I moved 3000 miles away and continued for another 2 1/2 years before I found recovery.
To this day, over 31 years later (I will have 29 years in June) I STILL say IT IS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME.
Please do not buy into your Mother's Guilt Trip. You are doing the BEST THING for your son. Your Mom hasn't had ENOUGH yet, she's still is trying to "HELP" her grandson.
You do not have to 'justify' yourself to her. You know that enabling him does not help. You know that he needs to find his bottom, and when he WEARS OUT grandma, and aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, acquaintances, etc he may find his bottom.
Hang in there. Come here, WE do understand. We are also walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
ps, please feel free to print out this post and give it to your mother if YOU THINK it might help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember well, a recovering addict named Jon who is the founder of SoberRecovery. He told me once that it was possible I might just love my son right into his grave.
That's when I knew I had to let go.
Others, who have not walked in our shoes, understand nothing of a mother's love being great enough to let go. I don't have many conversations with people who criticize what I do or do not do.
It took me years to learn that to hang on would only draw my into the dark abyss of addiction with him, and that I was better to work on my recovery, hoping one day he would see the light and pull himself out.
Big hugs to you. If you have explained all this to your mother and she doesn't "get it", then I think I would just close the topic and not be available to discuss it any further with her.
That's when I knew I had to let go.
Others, who have not walked in our shoes, understand nothing of a mother's love being great enough to let go. I don't have many conversations with people who criticize what I do or do not do.
It took me years to learn that to hang on would only draw my into the dark abyss of addiction with him, and that I was better to work on my recovery, hoping one day he would see the light and pull himself out.
Big hugs to you. If you have explained all this to your mother and she doesn't "get it", then I think I would just close the topic and not be available to discuss it any further with her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Wish I had had the strength you have 7 years ago. You are doing the right thing. As enablers will get fed up eventually. Take care of yourself and your other children.
The best thing you can do for your son is to let him go.
The best thing you can do for your son is to let him go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Another RA here to say that I will forever be grateful to my family for loving me enough to say "enough - you got yourself IN this mess, you can get yourself out of it". Their love for me was never in doubt. That they loved me enough to let me hit bottom and find my own way back out of the pit I'd dug myself into - it was probably the hardest thing they ever did, but as I said, I am grateful.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I posted this a long time ago, but it's relevant again today. And, Ann beat me to it, the comment about an addict we know named Jon, who told me the same thing - I could love my son right into his grave....
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
praying for your Mom to have an open mind and open heart at the meeting tonite - that she will be able to hear what she needs to hear - that we can "love" them too much!!
Keep taking great care of YOU!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Keep taking great care of YOU!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
(((Hugs))) Please encourage her to stay and talk to an 'old-timer' with you.... so very helpful! She'll come around. It's "ignorance" that makes them think that we're being cruel or cold. Once the light comes on, and it will, things will be much better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If I told you that it's all your fault that there is a dead tree in my yard, would you feel guilty?
Probably not, because you don't know me or where I live, let alone anything about the tree in my yard.
Sounds like you are still processing this whole deal with your son and perhaps still have one foot planted in the land of "I should be able to fix this/him". When your mom talks, it feeds into your own guilt. Know what I mean.
When you are secure in your position, there is not much anyone can say that will make you feel guilty. In other words, the work has to come from within you cause Lord knows, we have no control over our moms.
Probably not, because you don't know me or where I live, let alone anything about the tree in my yard.
Sounds like you are still processing this whole deal with your son and perhaps still have one foot planted in the land of "I should be able to fix this/him". When your mom talks, it feeds into your own guilt. Know what I mean.
When you are secure in your position, there is not much anyone can say that will make you feel guilty. In other words, the work has to come from within you cause Lord knows, we have no control over our moms.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
My mom felt much better after the meeting (I always do)... and outtolunch, you are right, about the guilt part. Hopefully as I grow and I get better the guilt will go away. it seems to be, but that comes and goes, which I think is normal. Well as normal as things can be ha ha...
One hour at a time my friends, one hour!!!
xoxo
One hour at a time my friends, one hour!!!
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
I feel your pain. I have an adult daughter who's addicted. But there is more than 1 school of thought. Clearly the most popular way to cure an addict has been a 12 step program for many years. But there is the cognitive retraining program. A form of being taught how to better deal with day to day issues by making a consious choice. Along with medicinally restrengthening dopamine levels, which takes about 18 months. It does not require hitting bottom or letting somone hit bottom.
My daughter's insurace company uses this form of therapy. We have not been able to get the inpatient ($$$$) care but I understand it's quite effective. (google "SMART"). I'm grateful that it's here - the out patient therapy is somewhat effective on her. We're just beginning and families are encouraged to be part of the cure - nobody has to do it themselves.
I'm also fully aware that this website and forum and you all, subscribe to the 12 step theory. I'm going with whatever works and keeps my kid alive until she comes back to reality without drugs.
Some people cannot find the strength within themselves or the strength of a higher power that it takes to work a 12 step. My girl has been on drugs 1/3 of her life and frankly - needs cognitive retraining.
Just a thought and may be something open to your family as an avenue for recovery.
Best wishes to everyone in dealing with it all.
My daughter's insurace company uses this form of therapy. We have not been able to get the inpatient ($$$$) care but I understand it's quite effective. (google "SMART"). I'm grateful that it's here - the out patient therapy is somewhat effective on her. We're just beginning and families are encouraged to be part of the cure - nobody has to do it themselves.
I'm also fully aware that this website and forum and you all, subscribe to the 12 step theory. I'm going with whatever works and keeps my kid alive until she comes back to reality without drugs.
Some people cannot find the strength within themselves or the strength of a higher power that it takes to work a 12 step. My girl has been on drugs 1/3 of her life and frankly - needs cognitive retraining.
Just a thought and may be something open to your family as an avenue for recovery.
Best wishes to everyone in dealing with it all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by cb1504 
But there is the cognitive retraining program. A form of being taught how to better deal with day to day issues by making a consious choice. Along with medicinally restrengthening dopamine levels, which takes about 18 months. It does not require hitting bottom or letting somone hit bottom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
How's she doing on the dopamine? Protiens and soy products or drug therapy? My daughter at first had pretty harsh side effects from the drug therapy and had to be removed from that. With this recent relapse, I have a feeling they may want to start it up again at half dose.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
cb,
While there are a LOT of 12 steppers here, including myself, this board is not exclusively a 12 step board. There are plenty of posts on alternatives to 12 step recovery, just look around. For my part, even though I use AA, I support recovery regardless of the way you get there.
Keep posting, there is a lot of great support here.
While there are a LOT of 12 steppers here, including myself, this board is not exclusively a 12 step board. There are plenty of posts on alternatives to 12 step recovery, just look around. For my part, even though I use AA, I support recovery regardless of the way you get there.
Keep posting, there is a lot of great support here.
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