Nichole78

I think back to when my brother was about 2 years old, which is my sons age, and i would have never envisioned this as his life, he was such a good kid, loved riding bikes, loved motorcycles, walked to the flower store on saturday mornings to get my mother a flower, painted rocks and sold them at his little yard sales, and then this.......addiction. I look at pictures and cry because this is not the life anyone thought he would have, not even him. I know he didnt wake up one day and say Hey, im gonna be an addict but he is and being helpless is one of the worst feelings ive ever felt.

Hes been going to meetings, talking with his sponser, signed up for councleing and still replapsed. He called me yesterday and he was very very sick. Told me he was with his sponser and he was looking into detoxes, no beds until today.

When he is clean he tells me how much he hates being high and doesnt know why he does it. He says he wishes he knew how to do life right, and everything he has ever done is wrong. Hearing that from him hurts so bad. He thinks he is a terrible person, i tell him he isnt, he just has a terrible problem.

He was clean just under 17 months when he relapsed he was so disappointed in himself, got back into his meetings, and back in touch with sponser, 3 meetings a day some days and even the day he used he went to a 7am meeting and then BOOM he used. I dont know what triggered it, hopefully he does so he can make sure it doesnt happen again, all i know is he used for 4 days and now he is paying for it. Hearing him sick like that breaks my heart, but i told him i didnt feel sorry that he was sick and that he needed to pick himself back up and start over and that i still love him and always will and will support him every step of the way as long as he is doing the right thing.

My brother is my best friend, we talk daily, sometimes a few times a day. I dont see him much he is 2 hrs away from me that could be a good thing!

He just called me and told me he is still with sponser and he is going to see about getting into a suboxone clinic, i hope it all works for him, i dont want to lose him to this disease, that is my fear

and when i look at my 2 year old and think back to my brother being that young, i just pray and hope with all my heart that my beautiful son never ever has to live the life his uncle is living

Thanks for reading, i just needed to talk

Freedom1990

Hey Nichole, I completely understand your fears for your brother. Just remember, he's in good hands with others in recovery, and is actively trying to get back on the right path.

I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober and was out there for 2 months boozing and using.

Thank God I was blessed to get back into recovery.

That was my first and only relapse, over 19 years ago.

Take good care of yourself, okay? :ghug3

teke

just to let you know that i will keep you and your son in my prayers with a special prayer for your little brother. i pray that he soon finds his way and really get serious about his commitment to his recovery. i pray that god will protect him and lead him to the place where his is meant to be in life.

Spiritual Seeker

May your brother seek the help he needs and find his way in sobriety.

Nichole78

Thank you everyone, coming here helps me a lot but the heartache and worry never leaves......he was doing SO awesome with his recovery, not sure what really happend. Detox never happened yesterday, he used and said he is going to buy suboxne sometime today ILLEGALLY so not sure what to think. Says his sponser said its a better idea since he has a big job lead this week,,,,not sure i believe that dont think a sponser would recomment buying it off the street, but who knows..........thanks everyone,.....keep praying!!

JMFburns

Nichole,

Thanks for sharing yourself.

My 29 yr old son is the addict in my life and his sister, my daughter, who is 26 will have NOTHING to do with her brother whether he is struggling with recovery or using. It is heart warming to hear your love and concern for you brother.

I will send up a prayer for you and your brother. Thanks.

Spiritual Seeker

This sounds like the time to detach from your brother for your sakel
It does you no good to get caught up in the insanity of his addiction.

When he is working at getting well, he knows where to find you.
Be careful not to enable him in any way....big or small

sojourner

Nichole: May i suggest something here to help yourself and also your brother just as much.

Your allowing him to share so much with you about his addiction ("I don't know why i do the things I do") and your response of pity toward him is keeping him in the prison of "stinking thinking." Perhaps a better response on your part is to softly reject those comments from him by telling him he needs to be sharing that with his sponsor in AA/NA or his addiction counselor. Then you change the subject.

Your staying stuck in the strong emotional responses of pity, grief, etc., are keeping you in "stinking thinking." Do you baby your children like that, or do you tell them to get up, dust off, time to quit crying, and go back out and play? I hope you do the second, not the first.

Just my opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Nichole78

I told him today that if he didnt start doing more postive things to change his ways that i would have to stop talking to him daily because i refuse to watch him destry himself, told him i want my brother back cause right now he isnt my brother..........he said hes trying and wants the same........we shall see

justjo

I understand you so well and all I can do is give you a big hug. I have felt your pain and I still do.
I tried to support my sister by just being there. You know, if she needed me to take her to detox or rehab I did. I would take her out for coffee or a drive. I would be at the hospital every time she went. If she started talking negatively or asking for money I would cut the phone call instantly.
This is a terrible disease, I feel for you so much. These days my mind is at odds with the what ifs and whats nots, as she died 4 months ago. I believed she needed family support and no matter what anyone said to me, I still treated her with respect and loved the sister I grew up with. Even though, your brother is an addict, he still needs love and dignity, otherwise he may not make it through.
We do not have to put up with what comes with it - we can have our boundaries for that. But if it all gets too difficult for you, you can always have your time out and maybe only talk a couple of times a week instead of everyday. Keep telling him he is a wonderful person and possibly try to talk to him about his thoughts and feelings. Maybe if he opens up a little, it may help his recovery too.
Jo

coffeedrinker

I'm gonna take a stab here, I know I am writing while in reactive mode, but I have to go to bed.

There is a piece of dishonesty that your brother is hanging onto, I suspect.
The "big book" of A.A. says that those who seem unable to become, and maintain, sobriety, are somehow unable to be completely honest. I know it's not really fair to lump everyone into this category, or for me to make a judgement about someone I don't even know. And some people bristle at taking the AA book as gospel truth. But the reason I said this is because this statement jumped out at me:
Detox never happened yesterday, he used and said he is going to buy suboxne sometime today ILLEGALLY

I don't exactly know why, but there seems to be a surrender piece that is missing. Surrendering to the process - to his sponsor - to him really and truly knowing he cannot use anything, ever again, not even once - to his Higher Power.

Of course he feels rotten about the using when he's clean. That is the nature of it. It is real. But it's a cycle that he has apparently become a bit comfortable with. Feel rotten, use to mask the pain, feel rotten again. He is also comfortable hitting the streets for what he "needs". I know I may be way wrong, it's just a hunch.

Nichole78

Coffeedrinker.......you may be right, no one knows but him but you very well could be on track!

He did buy 3 suboxne for some kid he knows that takes it, says hes gonna take one today when he wakes up so he doesnt get sick, then half until they are gone........I dont know if its gonna work, i pray it does and i pray he really wants it too. He says the main reason he keeps on doing it is because he gets so sick, he did admit he also likes the feeling so maybe hes not ready, i dont know, i can only pray that something good happens before he dies, i cant lose him.



As for him being abusive when he calls me, not at all! If he were to get that way his calls wouldnt be answered at all. He doesnt do much complaining, just tells me he hates that his life has come to this and doesnt understand how or why he does what he does. He has hinted around for money but has never come out and asked me for it, im on a fixed income and he knows that i just wont give a cent out to someone in active addiction.

He really is a good person, this disease just has hold of him once again. He stayed clean almost 17 months...he can do it again. I told him last night to have some faith in himself because he is stronger than he thinks and can do this, also told him to pray and that ive been praying for him.

Its gonna be a long road, but i know he can do it, he may just have to hit bottom once again, i hope it doesnt come to that but it could be just what he needs........ill always be there no matter what, my back will never be turned away from him, but i just may limit things or i should say how much I call him, thanks everyone